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Thread: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

  1. #1
    Mixing Old Fashioneds PhoneGrrrl's Avatar
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    The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    For a long time, I was a proponent of the Bachelor/ette drinking game—you know, a sip of your favorite adult beverage every time someone was amazing, had a journey, or Chris Harrison made some ridiculous over-the-top proclamation regarding the level of drama. Well, folks, unless you want to be seriously hung over tomorrow or pass out before the 45-minute mark, it’s best to skip the game this week.

    Let’s re-introduce ourselves, shall we?

    Just like on the original The Dating Game, we now have three bachelors vying for our Bachelorette’s heart (guarding and protecting implied, of course). First up is Bachelor No. 1, Chris, whom I’ve lost all respect for. It’s one thing to be sad about losing your mother; it’s quite another to pimp her death out as the reason you’re still single every damn chance you get. Maybe spice it up with, “Hey, I’m a landscaper—and a messy one at that. I’ve run off six girlfriends by stomping through their clean kitchen with my work boots.” I could buy that.

    Up next is Bachelor No. 2, Roberto, whom I’ve only recently realized has terrible skin, not so much of an upper lip, and sweats a lot. He’s not asked to defend why he’s single, but I’m going to go with the cheesy propensity to cart around that Lion King memento. He probably has a box of mementos from all girls he’s dated stashed under his bed.

    And then there’s Bachelor No. 3, Frank, who is just plain keeping a girl he dated around in his back pocket. Somehow “falling in love” with Ali really transferred into maybe, kinda, possibly falling back in love with his hometown honey, Nicole. Before heading to Tahiti, Frank must “find” Nicole—conveniently located at her tiny, yet impeccably clean apartment—and have a chat about getting back together. The conversation basically goes like this:

    Apt. int., day; on white couch. Nicole cowers in corner of couch, Frank leans toward her.

    Frank: I had a great start with Ali. I developed real feelings for her.

    (Long awkward pause that makes viewer reach for remote.)

    Nicole: Ever since you left, I have been consumed with thoughts of you. It is heartbreaking that you left me here. You disgust me.

    Frank: Wanna get back together?

    Nicole: I never wanted to be in a Tom Cruise movie, but damn it, you complete me! You must come home!

    (Frank and Nicole embrace; Nicole buries her face in Frank’s chest to avoid his crazy eyes and stupid grin.)

    Frank: Gotta book it so I catch that last plane to Tahiti!

    And scene. Apparently there are no phones, text messages, facsimiles, courier pigeons, or lackey PAs to deliver the message Frank and Nicole are back together, so Frank must “find” (again with the “find”!) Ali and tell her in person that he’s a giant douche.

    Pretty oil-free beaches, blue water, and a helicopter.

    Ali arrives at the resort in Tahiti, where she will of course “take it to the next level” and find a husband. I’m just curious about the resort; there are a series of the thatched-roof cabins built out into the water off the beach connected by a pier system. It is cool but I wonder how the plumbing situation is and if the room service is 24/7. That’s the kind of stuff that occurs to me when I see resorts like that.

    The first date goes to Roberto, who misses her and sees proposing to Ali as a real possibility. Ali meets him at his cabin and leads him out for another helicopter ride, because Ali’s life is all about flying in helicopters. They fly out to a heart-shaped island where they share voice-overs about the journey, the first date, Roberto’s hotness and ability to be a husband. They land “swim” in the lagoon, which appears to be 2.5 feet deep—really it’s an excuse for them to be all over each other for the day. After spending the day with him, Ali knows if she picked him, she would always be safe. Note to Kasey: Roberto never once uttered “guard” or “protect”.

    After spending the day at the lagoon, Ali and Roberto head to dinner. Roberto is still a bit wary at how fast things are happening and how open he’s been. Dinner starts out with a walk down memory lane to earlier that day at the lagoon—they are some lucky, awesome people (and the writers are in need of new blood…may I suggest consulting with David Lynch for next season? Maybe the Log Lady stands in for Chris Harrison for one round.) Ali asks Roberto if he sees a future together with her; he says he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t. He then wants to tell her something; she gets a look of panic on her face, but he assures her it is good. After dancing around the point, sweating so profusely I had to turn down my air conditioning by five degrees, and mumbling nonsense, he finally spits out that he’s falling in love with her. Ali’s eyes light up and they lock lips for a few moments before she pulls out the Fantasy Suite card. Roberto acts like this is a surprise, but we’re on collectively what, the 20th?, season, so this should come as a surprise to no one. Roberto, never one to let a good fantasy suite go to waste, and Ali, pulling the “spend quality time alone” script line, head to the suite, which they can only get to by walking through water. Roberto’s wet pants provides the perfect excuse for Ali to begin to undress him. And thus ends the first date.

    Pretty oil-free beaches, blue water, and a boat.

    Same song, second verse, everyone! The next day brings Chris’s date; they reunite on a terribly long dock, do the hug, lift, kiss thing and head out to the largest catamaran Tahiti provides. They curiously both wear long seashell necklaces whist sipping beer and talking (in voice-overs) how their relationship has taken longer to heat up, but now they’re really getting close. Ali’s time with Chris’s family helped that (with more mention of Chris’s mother) as well as Chris’s “cute” giggle. They have to make up for lost time, which includes a lot of making out. They arrive at the deserted island of their destination, but the water is so shallow, they have to swim the rest of the way. Ergo, more canoodling in the water as they slowly make it to the beach. There they pull apart some bivalves to find pearls of different varieties, no doubt planted by production. Ali likens their relationship to a pear—it started off slowly and ended up something beautiful. Or started off with a tiny annoyance until it calcified…tomato, tomahto.

    After the beach date, Ali and Chris meet up in the dark for dinner on yet another tiny private island that requires walking through water. They have a more casual dinner than the Roberto’s; Chris says the only thing he’d change about the process so far is that he’d have liked Ali to spend more time with his family. Family is important, but so is locking lips, and he tells Ali he could see himself with her forever while extremely red in the face. She pulls out the Fantasy Suite card, and again, it’s like Chris never heard of such a thing. He can’t get there fast enough—and off they go to a giant suite where they sit pool-side, he tells her he loves her, makes plans for the honeymoon and imagines his mother smiling down on him at having found his soul mate. I really, really feel bad for that poor, deceased lady right now.

    All those tears, and yet curiously no tissues.

    Frank, on his mission to find Ali, arrives in Tahiti to tell her about getting back with Nicole. He first seeks out the advice of Chris Harrison to determine the best approach to dropping his bomb on Ali. Harrison says he’s blown away and knows Ali was falling for him. Methinks one of those allegations is true, at best. Chris says to man up, tell Ali at the start of their date which, by the way, will start in about an hour. Harrison also warns him that he’s about to send Ali into emotional turmoil on the most important week of her life. (See, if you’d been doing the drinking game, you’d be in the ER by now!)

    That leaves Frank to stew and learn his lines/confect his story/whatever you chose to believe. He is perpetually wet-eyed, but not with actual tears yet. Oh, wait, they will come. Meanwhile, Ali is perky and ready for her day with Frank, complete with pink flower in her hair. She misses him and can’t wait to go sailing with him. She arrives at Frank’s cabin and clearly something is amiss. He hugs her and say the dreaded, “We need to talk.” At this point, Frank’s flared nostrils have turned into the not-good-kind of heavy breathing and the tears start to trickle out. Ali starts getting weepy as well, not knowing what is going on. Frank starts by saying that they had an “awesome” connection from the beginning, he developed stronger feelings as they went, but he was always holding something back, which just happened to be his feelings for his girlfriend, Nicole. Forgetting the entire scene was caught on tape, he tells Ali he went to Nicole for closure before coming to Tahiti, but the second he saw her, they had to get back together, due to a special “click” they have.

    Ali demands to know why Frank didn’t say something sooner and dramatically tosses the flower out of her hair. She points out she went out of her way to reassure him every damn time she saw his smarmy ass and he could have at least dropped a hint. So then they sit there for what seemed an eternity both covering their faces and crying. Or maybe pretending to cry, hence the covered faces and lack of tissues. This was not a seriously sad cry, but more like how you get weepy at a really sad documentary….no loud nose-blowing involved.

    Anyway, Frank asks for eventual forgiveness, Ali curiously hugs him goodbye, and she plops down on the beach by the water while he sits in his room. Chris Harrison visits with Ali, where she again regrets Frank didn’t give a clue of his conflict. She concludes that he stayed in the game because he was not honest and is a coward. Part of her also wants to see if Frank will stay, but knows that’s not the right thing for her and feels weak. Chris Harrison sends her to her suite to relax; she says Frank is the biggest jerk she’s ever known. Seeing as how she knows Jake, Justin, and a gaggle of other oddities from earlier this season, that’s a bold statement. Meanwhile, Frank packs his bags (if he ever unpacked) and heads back out on a boat, while looking wistfully at the island he’s just departed.

    Two men, two roses: the easiest rose ceremony ever.

    On the day of the rose ceremony, Ali and Chris Harrison have a little talk. Frank, she says, realized her biggest fear: she doesn’t want to choose someone who doesn’t choose her back. She has some doubt that she knows what she wants, but takes some solace in remembering a friend told her that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. She still has high hopes that her future husband is there and will go on with the rose ceremony and assure the last two guys they aren’t there by default.

    After Harrison escorts Roberto and Chris to the rose ceremony site, it is apparent Frank is not there; Harrison says Ali will explain and the guys exchange confused looks. Ali arrives and says that Frank did not take care of all things back at home, which is vague, at best. She assures them that Frank is not the guy for her; they’ve shown honor and respect for others and that is why they are still there. She wants to give the roses for the right reasons and have them accepted also for the right reasons. Red-faced Chris and sweaty Roberto both accept their roses, and it’s off to Bora Bora for them all, to meet Ali’s family and for the final rose ceremony.

    Before that can happen, the men are going to tell all hardly anything next week on LG.’s watch. And in the tag at the end of the episode, Ali goes postal on a melon with a machete. I like to think of the melon as Frank’s head, but I’m a violent sort of gal.

  2. #2
    Premium Member canuckinchile's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    Great recap PhoneGrrrl! I loved it when Chris Harrison pretended to be "blown away" when Frank broke the news. Um, didn't you just send a camera crew to interview him and his girlfriend? You make this schlock fun to read about, so thanks for that !

  3. #3
    FORT Fan Goalwatcher's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    Excellent on the "giant douche" in regards to Frank. I really only yell at my TV during sports, but I was calling him "douche" out loud. Often. I may have even flipped him the bird at one point.

  4. #4
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    Ok, I'm blaming everyone that has watched this show in the past couple of years. I actually watched this program this week-I've ALWAYS relied on you all to keep me abreast w/the lasted journeys and amazings and etc....phonegrrrl, your recap was so spot-on. My only rebuttal FOR Frank is that he did his own personal journey (yes, on Ali's time) and found his amazing ex to be the one he was choosing. At least he was man enough to tell Ali to her face. I thought it was better than finding or discovering it after the fact. I think she was more upset that she didn't have that extra fish on the hook for her last show. I personally say "encore" to Frank! Way to "stick it" to the amazing journeys!

  5. #5
    FORT Fanatic moflan's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    I, too, pondered the plumbing situation when I saw those Tahitian huts.

  6. #6
    FORT Regular windymama's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    Anyone know where I can find the taping/viewing schedule for this season? Thanks!

  7. #7
    FORT Regular Jackieblue824's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    I don't know which one is worse Frank or Justin. Nothing makes sense anymore. I don't think I want to watch this show anylonger. IMO the network should be sued for airing this type of show. I feel so sorry for Ali putting up with these loosers. If I where Ali I send the rest of the men home and pick the ...

  8. #8
    old cow
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    Chris, whom I’ve lost all respect for. It’s one thing to be sad about losing your mother; it’s quite another to pimp her death out as the reason you’re still single every damn chance you get.
    THANK YOU! I'm glad someone else said it besides me. I'm tired of getting crucified for saying something negative about the oh-so-awsome, Mr. Can do nothing wrong Chris.

  9. #9
    from sky to fire fireflyer's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    I liked everything about this recap! All the sweaty men, all the mom funerals, all the douchebag Franks, it was a well-written piece of summation. Chris is still in mourning, Roberto is... well... a sweaty HOT blonde-brain, and Frank is a double-Douche and a big WEINER. I think you pretty-much captured the gist!

    Only one thing could make this episode better: a guy opening the envelope and exploding in rage "What am supposed to do with Chris Harrison's room key?!?!!"

  10. #10
    from sky to fire fireflyer's Avatar
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    Re: The Bachelorette 7/19: Blow Out Preventer Required

    I liked everything about this recap! All the sweaty men, all the mom funerals, all the douchebag Franks, it was a well-written piece of summation. Chris is still in mourning, Roberto is... well... a sweaty HOT blonde-brain, and Frank is a double-Douche and a big WEINER. I think you pretty-much captured the gist!

    Only one thing could make this episode better: a guy opening the envelope and exploding in rage "What am supposed to do with Chris Harrison's room key?!?!!"

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