Welcome back to another “exciting” episode of The Bachelorette! Last week’s dramatic exit by Justin will be hard to top. In fact, they producers don’t even try with the regular show, and reserve the last thirty minutes for a Jake vs. Vienna smack-down. Oh happy day…my least favorite Bachelor season on my screen again. I powered through PLo’s season, put up with Jason’s use of his child, and even got to like Charlie, but Jake always creeped me out and I gave up after the second episode. And now this fool turns up on my week to recap.
The first of many castles…or subliminal advertising for that Nathan Fillion show.
Another week, another country, and another time host Chris Harrison greets the five remaining guys in a city square. Before sending them off to their hotel and date first date card, he says there will be four dates and there will be no roses on any of the dates and one guy will be cut at the rose ceremony. The fellas arrive at the hotel to find a date card addressed to Roberto, beckoning him to “come be the king of my castle.” Kirk likes Roberto, but thinks he’s better for Ali. All the guys are jealous, especially Frank, who jokes she’s going to throw him into the dungeon. Ali comes by the guy’s room to pick up Roberto while Frank nervously sucks on a juice box. Or perhaps it was a tiny box of wine, which would be an awesome thing.
On the date, Roberto and Ali walk through the city and Ali tests whether she can have fun and be silly with Roberto by taking goofy tourist pictures and dancing in the street. The people of Lisbon look on with annoyance and/or amusement. They then hop on a streetcar and ride through Lisbon making out and taking in the sights.
At the hotel in the guys’ suite, Frank offers the unsolicited advice that they really need to lay their cards out this week for the hometown dates as another date card arrives. This “hometown dates are important, like more important than global warming, soul saving, and disease curing” theme continues throughout the entire episode. The date card is for a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty; the card promises they “will find their future in the past”. Frank is not happy, even without a rose on the table. He sees a connection between Ali and Ty and thinks Ty is his biggest competition.
Back on the date, Roberto and Ali climb up some perilously steep stone steps and drink wine. Steep steps plus booze equals one seriously large insurance premium for this production, or maybe Fleiss really does want to take it to the next level and kill someone on this show. She wants to know what kind of food his mother will make if she goes to his house. He says Spanish stuff he doesn’t know the name of and hopes she does come so that she can ask questions about him. He’s still a mystery to her and wonders if he’s too good for her. This leads to an endless stream of compliments from Roberto when they’re not kissing. The sun sets over Lisbon and the date ends.
Awkward, awkward, awkward.
Ty and Frank meet Ali at a helicopter pad for their two-on-one date to “travel back in time” by flying over castles and through a patch of windmills. The guys are both feeling weird about this date, as they should be. They’re all a bit on edge at the awkwardness of the situation. They land at a castle and hike up to it, passing by some cute deer that Ty spots. Finally they sit down for dinner and tension is in the air. She wants to ask them each questions but not when the other dude is there. Ali finally pulls Ty away to have a chat. Frank threatens to drink his wine, but Ty only cares about protecting his spinach.
Ali tries to figure out the “traditional” values that Ty has and may have affected his prior marriage. She’s not sure his parents would like a career gal such as herself. He says he wants her to do what she wants and is “tickled” that she has a life plan. She giggles at his comment, but it comes off more to me that he’s ‘tickled” like he is when he sees a monkey driving a car.
In the hotel, the third date card arrives and it’s for Kirk; all it says is “once upon a time” which Chris explains is a fairytale reference to a seemingly slow-witted Kirk.
Ali and Frank then go for a chat back in date-land. Frank talks about his family—he takes them for granted because they are so close. Of course they’re close; he lives in the basement! That’s a fact that he hasn’t brought up to Ali so he breaks it to her putting the best possible spin on it and some crocodile tears to seal the deal. Then they literally were k-i-s-s-i-n-g in a tree and she expresses they both seem to have the same fears about each other. They rejoin Ty and call an end to the weirdness that the date was.
Another date, another castle.
Ali is glad that it’s just Kirk on this date, but her mind is preoccupied with the all important hometown dates on the horizon. They meander around the town a bit and then sip tall beers as they talk about the importance of hometown dates. Then they sip wine and kill their livers a bit more while seeing the town riding in a horse-drawn carriage. They arrive at a huge palace with gorgeous views, which has me bumping Lisbon up on my travel destinations. Kirk gets that Ali is stressed out and nervous; he says bringing a girl home makes him nervous too. She privately interviews that she’s not sure she is where she should be at this point in the process and will just have to take it one day at a time.
Kirk and Ali have dinner on the roof of the palace, which is lit up like a rainbow. She thanks him for bearing with her since she had so much on her mind. He tells her she can open up to him about anything. She says she worries that one day she won’t be good enough for him. He says that is the last thing she should worry about; he’s not falling for a concept of her or in love with love, but he genuinely cares for her and is ready for love at this point after his sickness. She realizes having serious conversations with Kirk is easier than with anyone else and makes her feel better.
At the hotel Chris’s date card arrives and reads “love gets better with age.” Ty points out Chris is the oldest dude there (at 33) so it’s only appropriate. The guys discuss the merits of having the last date on the day of the rose ceremony, as that’s when Chris’s date will be.
Back on their date, some local musicians serenade Ali and Kirk; they stand, watch the musicians, snuggle, and sip more wine.
It’s official: Fleiss hates Chris.
Chris gets the last date in Portugal; Ali is a bit nervous and they have a great big hug, but she’s feeling he might be sliding into the friend zone. He’s okay with whatever they do as long it doesn’t involve oil wrestling or stupidly small horse. Instead, it involves a scooter, which he’s never driven before. He doesn’t want to be the dude who kills the Bachelorette, but I’m fairly certain that is what Fleiss had in mind. Chris drives at about 4 mph through the streets, which is about how fast Ali thinks their relationship is progressing. She then switches to driving and it may be wipe out time.
Alas, it is not and they pull over for a nosh and a chat. It’s now time to get deep with breaking walls down and finding out Chris’s history. Ali starts by asking what his mother was like; Chris says he was an amazing, compassionate woman and had a lot of friends who still come around to take care of Chris and his brothers. Ali thinks his walls are coming down but worries it may be too late.
After their roadside picnic/sharing session, they drive to a winery with giant barrels of wine. She thinks maybe they should bring some wine to his dad if they do a hometown. And what about that hometown date? Would he be okay with that? He admits he’s slower to open up but his family will see how giddy he is around her and she’ll fit in. He brought a present for her, but waited to make sure he actually liked her before he gave her the custom-made bracelet. She likes that he waited to give her the gift and he’s glad it fits. He feels all warm inside being with her, but I’m thinking it’s all the red wine. They loll on the lawn of the winery and feel content.
Thank you for playing, now go home alone.
The night brings rain and the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison meets Ali at her limo and walks her in to the hotel with an oversized umbrella. She takes to the deliberation room where she reminisces about taking Jake home to meet her family. She was excited for them to meet Jake and worries the guy she lets go tonight may also be feeling that. There is no cocktail party tonight for this very important rose ceremony, so Ali delves right in. The guys all stand their in their groomsman/pallbearer stance with their hands folded over their crotchal region. She thanks them for being supportive of her decisions and going on the world tour with her. Her first rose goes to Chris, so maybe having a date on the rose ceremony day isn’t such a bad thing. The remaining roses go to Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Ty says his goodbyes to the guys and gives Ali a big hug. She walks him out to kick him to the curb in the rain. She asks if he’s okay, and he says he is just disappointed because he did have feelings for her. She says she just didn’t see it working out in the long term. She stands in the rain as the limo pulls away without an umbrella. Ty was sure he was the guy for her and doesn’t know what he is going to do from here, since everything seemed right. Meanwhile Ali is still standing in the rain and is curiously holding a paper that I didn’t spot earlier. Anyone else catch where she got it?
These people need to go away.
Chris Harrison begins the half-hour breakup discussion by saying that since no one bought this “relationship” in the first place, everyone loves the gossip and lies being spun now. Or at least that’s how I heard it. Not wanting the story to die, he has a sit-down with Jake and Vienna, both vying for new and exciting hosting/dancing/fame whoring opportunities. Here are the highlights of Chris’s conversation with these two yahoos:
*Chris greets Jake with a sultry “Hello, there” for his one-on-one time.
*Jake knew the relationship was on the skids before the news broke, but wasn’t ready to give up.
*Vienna blindsided Jake while he was two thousand miles away.
*Vienna does not get a sultry “Hello, there” from Chris when she arrives.
*Vienna thinks things went in the toilet after the first month; Jake checked out from interacting with her emotionally and physically.
*She went to the tabloids first as to preempt Jake’s run to the media.
*Jake is disgusted with Vienna for selling him out for cash money and then text-flirting with him while she did it.
*Vienna expected a normal life, not hooking up with a fame-whore pursing an acting career. (Has she seen The Bachelor before?!?!)
*Jake has flown a plane once in the past year.
*Jake is a dog-hater, and a smug one at that.
*Vienna is adamant she didn’t cheat on Jake.
*Jake is jealous of Vienna’s gay male friend.
*A “poly-o-graph” test would prove Jake is lying and that Vienna has serious trouble with the English language. Too bad it’s her native tongue.
*Jake loved Vienna for being supportive, funny, entertaining, and loving, once upon a time.
*Vienna loved Jake because he was genuine, compassionate, and fun to be around, once upon a time.
*All that fuzzy love feeling went away after the show ended, and Vienna gave back the ring twice before this last breakup.
*Jake disputes that there were two breakups; he thought it was just emotional manipulation by Vienna to get attention.
*Vienna only went on DWTS to spend time with Jake.
*Jake says Vienna is just as big of a fame-whore as he is.
*Vienna got a job in LA, even though she hates LA, because she doesn’t want to go back to small-town Florida where everyone hates her.
*Jake is easily emasculated just Vienna by interrupting his constant smug blather.
*Never try to rearrange Jake’s furniture or he’ll go off on you.
*Maybe it’s a good idea to keep the tape measure out of the bedroom.
*Vienna may be lying, but at least she’s not coming off with a creepy Tom Cruise vibe. I fully expect the term “glib” to be thrown out at any time.
*Vienna pledges this is the end of her talking about the break-up story. Someone needs to hold her accountable to that pledge.
*Jake shows his temper with forceful hand gestures, and Vienna storms off.
*Jake feels bad only for raising his voice.
*Chris wishes them both the best, and Jake can’t even say “thank you” because he’s smugger than humanly possible. I think he’s a robot.
A bit of cuteness makes sitting through that last 30 minutes worth it.
At the very end of the show, a bit more of the Roberto-Ali date is shown. As they were sitting there talking, a cute black and white cat wanders in to the room. He isn’t scared of these dating contest freaks at all—he*’s a cat, he’s too good for them. So he proceeds over to the table of wine and foodstuffs and just starts eating whatever is on the plate. I like this cat—cute, knows what he wants, and goes for it. Next Bachelor, anyone?
*Gender presumed. If it’s a girl cat, she could be the next Bachelorette.