Welcome back, Bachelorette fans, to another exciting step in Ali’s journey towards love. Just to explain the recap title, I wanted to call it "If You Left Your Baby in Constantinople, She'll Be Waiting in Istanbul" but that was too long, apparently. But first, let me tell you about the storm we had in my neighborhood last Friday. We had an exciting summer storm with high winds, hail, and some damage to Mr. LG’s truck (which had its tunneau cover ripped off and destroyed), and the unfortunate twisting of the supports for our satellite TV dish. The kids and I spent the night in the basement with no power while Mr. LG searched the neighborhood for our missing garbage cans (found – two blocks away, but one of my rather large flower pots disappeared completely, and hasn’t yet resurfaced, either intact or in pieces). And after the power returned, the kids and I were horrified to realize that we had no service from TV, even after the storm cleared. Yes, the storm had knocked our dish out of alignment, and therefore we had NO TV SERVICE. We had a long, tv-free weekend. There was some crying and nashing of teeth (mostly by me), but we had called and help was on its way.
So, we had NO TV SERVICE at our house since Friday night, and Monday, show day, we’re scheduled to have DirecTv’s extra special (read, additional monthly fee) service folks come to our house and get our dish working again. Mr. LG is waiting at home, and I call for hourly updates to make sure everything is fixed in anticipation of tonight’s episode. We do have tv – yeah! But for some reason, it didn’t remember some of the shows on my season pass list – including (naturally) The Bachelorette.
So (and here comes the explanation and apology part of this long intro for the recap), I missed the first half hour of the show while we’re finishing dinner. I live in the Central time zone, so the show starts at 7:00 here, in case you’re wondering what kind of crazy late night dinners we’re having. Yeah, yeah, quality time with the family, I missed the first half hour of the show that I’m supposed to be recapping. Well shoot. Sorry about that folks.
So, gathering what I knew from the previews and the show thread, the first half hour showed Justin getting busted by the show staff making calls to a girlfriend (or two?) back home while filming, and being asked to leave. I didn’t see it, so any readers who want to elaborate, please feel free. I can’t say that I’ll miss Justin, as he was tool and I’m glad he’s gone. Just sorry I didn’t get to see him go.
Following the Most.Shocking.Departure.Of A Cheater (Since Last Season)
There are 6 guys left. For this episode, we get two OOO dates (with Ty and Frank) and a group date for the other 4 guys. I finally get to my beloved TV when Ali is already mid-date with Ty.
Ali and Ty eat dinner, dance in the street to funky music, he explains what happened in his marriage that lead to his divorce, and Ali gives him a rose. It must have been a good explanation. I’m surprised that Ty is still here, but maybe Ali is still having left-over good feelings from his demonstration of his horse-handling skills from Iceland.
Here’s a Recipe For a Good Time:
4 Mugs of Beer.
4 Horrified American Guys.
4 Burly Turkish Guys.
8 Pair of Pleather Pants.
Stir Generously With Olive Oil (enough oil to make Paula Deen think it’s too greasy).
Next we head to the group date where the guys are roaming around Turkey, with Chris (formerly known as Chris L., who has now earned the name of Chris, not to be confused with our host, Chris H.), Kirk, Roberto, and Craig joining Ali for a beer. Ali used the beer to soften the guys up before she informs them that they have a wrestle with a bunch of literally oily Turkish guys to win some one-on-one time with Ali. There are four professional olive oil wrestlers, standing ready to pounce. Our foursome of bachelors dress into strange black pants, and we get to examine their bare chests. Ali pours olive oil all over their chests, and she doesn’t seem to hate that task.
Chris is the first to wrestle the Turkish olive oil wrestler, and he gets smacked around. So does Kirk, who concedes he got his ass kicked. Roberto is a former athlete, so he should do ok against the pros, right? Um no, he got body slammed by the Turkish guy, and Craig also took a beating.
Then Ali announces that the four guys will need to wrestle each other, and that the winner will get private date time with her. There is no rose on this group date, however, so all of these guys will be wrestling each other again at the cocktail party, apparently, unless Ali listens to my signals and ditches Frank on his date. Somehow (perhaps because this show is already taped, or maybe because they’re not listening to me) the contestants never follow my sage advice. If Jake would have heeded my advice last season, he wouldn’t have been front page of all the gossip rags last weekend after his relationship with Vienna imploded, as long predicted. Ah Jake, maybe being on the front page of Star Magazine while simultaneously also being on the cover of US Weekly was his goal all along.
Craig realizes that he needs to fight hard to win a OOO date with Ali if he wants to stick around any longer, as the three other guys have already had OOO time with Ali. Surprisingly Craig defeats Chris, and then has to face Roberto (who handed Kirk a defeat in their first round) for the date. Craig is a lawyer, not an athlete, but somehow beats Roberto to have the OOO time with Ali, and is awarded an awesome trophy that looks like the oily pants that the guys had to wear for this competition.
Craig gets to have dinner and make his move on Ali. He’s actually coming off as rather charming, despite his obvious character defect of being a lawyer (I say, jokingly, as both recappers for the show this season are also attorneys by day, recappers by night). The date between Craig and Ali doesn’t seem horribly awkward (unlike everytime we had to watch Kasey), so hopefully she won’t be stranding Craig on a glacier. However, I also don’t see great chemistry, as Craig doesn’t lean in to give her a big kiss when they are watching fireworks over the city of Istanbul.
The Return Of Side-Show Frank – Now Appearing At a Turkish Bazaar
Next up, Ali has a OOO date with Frank. Ali wonders if they can recapture the magic she felt on their first date back in LA when they smashed face on the hood of a vintage Cadillac. She hasn’t felt that closeness lately when he blended into the background while on group dates with more charismatic guys who don’t live with their mom and dad.
They walk through a very cool bazaar with brilliant colors and Frank is digging the locale, as there isn’t anything nearly so cool in his parents’ basement. I’m sorry, I know he has fans, but he’s just a loser, and putting on the silly harem hat while Ali puts on a rather revealing belly dancing outfit – not sexy. Ali is feeling comfy with Frank, though, and they get to see a lovely assortment of Turkish rugs, and Frank buys some huge rug. Maybe his mom had requested a souvenir for the house from his class trip. Ali feels like she has her “old Frank” back as she is feeling the same connection with him as she did on her very first OOO date with him back in California, so it looks like Frank is going to be sticking around for awhile. They get to tour a very cool cave, new rug in tow.
Frank shares that he only wants to propose to a woman once, get married once (but he doesn’t specify that he wants to propose to the same woman he marries), and is cautious to give away his heart to someone who is currently dating 5 other guys. Ali encourages him to open up to her more, as she’s feeling things for him. He’s got some demented chipmunk expression on his face, and she rewards him with a rose.
The Cocktail Party That Wasn’t – Hey, We Were Promised Booze, Haven’t We Earned It?
The guys are showing up in their snazzy suits, ready for the cocktail party in advance of the rose ceremony. Ali calls our lovely host, Chris H, to her suite to tell him that she would rather forgo the cocktail party and get straight to the elimination. The four guys from the group date are competing for 3 roses, because Ty and Frank both got roses on their OOO dates. I don’t blame Ali for not wanting to have to go through a bunch of small talk and possible pleading (though no-one has offered to guard and protect her heart yet, thank goodness) when she knows who she wants gone. Rip off that bandaid, girl.
The guys, however, are bummed that they don’t get drinks on the show. It’s always nice to have a cocktail or two before facing a firing squad. I have a bad feeling for our friend the lawyer. He didn’t really make a strong connection with Ali on their long-awaited OOO date, and without a final chance to plead his case, I think his less than stellar OOO date sealed his fate.
The guys all look nice in their suits, since Ali eliminated suit-hating Jesse. Barney Stinson would be proud. Kirk is styling the interesting fashion choices of a plaid shirt with a diagonal striped tie, which my husband claims is “true Wisconsin style.” I know that he is kidding about that. Mr. LG shared with me years ago that “true Wisconsin” was when we were driving in my home state in February, it was well below freezing, and some guy is driving his truck with no shirt on. That is “true Wisconsin” and I had to agree, it was unique. We know that Kirk looks better shirtless than 99% of the guys you’ll run across in ‘Sconnie, as he has some seriously nice abs. However this episode both Kirk and Chris seemed to have styled their hair in a cyclone, a disturbing trend.
Ali cuts to the chase and starts the heart-breaking with no further ado.
The first rose goes to – Roberto
Middle rose to – Chris (who no longer needs a final name initial)
The final rose goes to- Kirk
Poor Craig the attorney is shocked to be leaving and is holding back tears in the limo. Buck up, Craig, as you got a pretty good edit and I’m sure your dating prospects will be enhanced with your appearance on the show. Besides, you’ve always got that awesome oily pants trophy. I hope to see you hawking it on E-Bay soon. But I beg of you, go back to normal life and practicing law. If Craig shows up on The Bachelor Pad or any other embarrassing efforts to extend his 15 minutes into an entertainment “career” then I’m just embarrassed. Go with grace, counselor. And join us next week when my partner PhoneGrrrl will have the honor and privilege of covering the promised coverage of Jake and Vienna discussing the demise of their alleged “relationship” along with Ali’s fun-filled trip to Lisbon with her final five.