Hello Bachelorette fans, and thanks for joining us for another season of amazing journeys and truly awkward group dates. My co-counsel in recapping this season is the very talented PhoneGrrrl, and her recap from the premier is available here: The Bachelorette 5/24 Recap: Unemployed, Homeless SWF Seeks Life Mate Once again, I drew the long straw and didn’t have to figure out the names of all 25 guys (or even pretend to differentiate between all the bland guys in matching suits), but we’ll see how we fair with 17 guys to keep straight this episode.
Starting off tonight, Host Harrison informs the guys that there will be 3 dates: a one-on-one (also known as the OOO dates, for my readers from last season) which goes to basement dwelling Frank from Chicago, plus a massive group date, and some other OOO date with a player to be named later. Not everyone will get a date at all. Hardly seems fair with two people getting so much of her time, but there is some pressure on the OOO dates, as you either come back with a rose, or you leave right there. Will Ali be able to send someone packing mid-date? We shall see.
Dressed in Yellow, She Says Hello, Come Right Over Here, You Fine Fellow
Ali has been following the guys’ advice and is wearing a bright yellow tank top when she stops in to visit her stable of 17 guys. She swings by to pick up Frank in a cool vintage convertible. I’m not sure what kind of car it was (Mr. LG thinks it was a Cadillac), but the sheer length of it reminds me of the B-52s song “I’ve got me a Chrysler as big as a whale, and it’s about to set sail.” No sooner were the other guys jealous of the car then we see Frank and Ali’s ride break down on the highway. For some reason, they just abandon the car and magically arrive on Hollywood Blvd (oh, I could have used some production assistant magic on some of my ill-fated adventures). Ali signs autographs for some fans (really, there were groupies? Chime in if you spotted them) while Frank smiles and is pretty quiet.
Back at the ranch, Craig R. confronts Justin (a.k.a. the wrestler known as Rated-R) about why he doesn’t think Justin is honest and upfront enough for Ali. Craig (an attorney), uses the fabulous logical skill of extrapolating that because Justin did not reveal that he’s a professional wrestler at the very first opportunity, that’s he’s a habitual liar. I can understand Justin not wanting to lead with that. I don’t know about PhoneGrrrl, but I don’t tell people that I’m a lawyer unless I’m confronted when first meeting people socially. I think that is information that can wait until there is an actual date, personally. Craig R, though, thinks everyone should tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth every time they are at a cocktail party. I can see Craig R’s closing argument now: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. At a cocktail party the defendant introduced himself to me as Matt, but his name is actually Matthew. What kind of pathological liar would do that? You must convict him of _______ [fill in the blank criminal charges, and then insert rambling bit about being an unfrozen caveman lawyer . . . ]” You know I actually like Craig R, but I think he’s picking nits on this one, when there are much more obnoxious things going on at the Dude Ranch. Craig R should be much more annoyed that he shares a first name with Craig M, as that dude gives all guys named Craig a bad name – no offense to Craig T. Nelson, I always liked Coach.
Ali and Frank have a special key that lets them roam around by the famous Hollywood sign. Frank tells Ali about his life-changing trip to France where he left behind his old life as a guy with a real job and became “an aspiring screenwriter” whose legal residence was his parents’ basement. Frank seems like a nice enough guy, but 31 years old and can’t afford his own place, how long is he going to give this “aspiring screenwriter” gig a try before joining the grown-up world again? Unless he’s got a website outlining all of the hilarious thinks that his dad says, and is planning to assemble them into a bestselling book (whose title I can’t print on this PG 13 website, but I do like the book), which then gets picked up as a network tv series (Oh wait, that’s been done, but good work for that former aspiring screenwriter – and his dad rocks), well. Let’s just say that Frank’s current career path wouldn’t be my cup of tea, but I’m a little older than Ali. I hear that Generation Y folks have a high tolerance for dreamers who crash at mom and dad’s pad well into their 30s.
Back at the Dude Ranch, we get to see the guest list for the upcoming group date: Jonathan (the Weatherman), Ty, Chris H, Kirk, Hunter, Tyler, Steve, Craig R, Craig M, Chris N, Justin and Casey. As a recapper, I’d like to thank ABC and Fleiss Productions for that fabulous camera shot of the list of names, as I’ve always hated trying to figure out who all went on these huge early season group dates. Craig M immediately starts trying to pick a fight with some guy (Jesse, I think) for having tattoos. Mr. LG thinks everyone would look better with more tattoos, and thinks Craig M is a huge jerk for trying to start a fight for no apparent reason. Craig M puts his hands on the tattooed guy, which is really trying to provoke a fight. Dude, old guys in plaid shirts and bottle-cap hats should not be dispensing fashion advice.
Back on the date, Frank’s Buddy Holly glasses are on, then off, then back on, then off again – he’s a continuity stickler’s nightmare. Ali gives Frank the OOO date rose. Frank is trying to lean in to kiss her, but she still keeps talking. He finally gets his chance. There was apparently no hot-tub in the vicinity, as they are sitting on the trunk of the newly fixed vintage car. Maybe too much making out on the trunk causes old rental cars to break down, but for some reason I really would rather they’d spare the car and get a room already, as Ali confesses that she doesn’t want to hold back her feelings and gushes that she really likes Frank and feels and amazing connection – our first amazing connection of the season.
The Disfunctional Dozen
For the group date, Ali has to juggle 12 guys. I’m not confident in my ability to keep them all straight, but that’s Ali’s responsibility more than mine. The guys meet Ali in Malibu, arriving in their stretch SUV limo. They are walking on the beach. Justin vows to trip people with his crutches if necessary to get time with Ali. It wasn’t necessary, as she was concerned about him and constantly checking to see how he’s doing hopping along the rough terrain. For some reason, the date activity is a photo shoot with a famous photographer, Michael Greico, and they are shooting a charity beefcake calendar. I’m not sure who is going to be buying this calendar, as they are stuffing these guys into skimpy swim suits. Oh wait, it’s not beefcake as Ali is appearing in many of the shots. Now I really have no idea who is going to buy it, but because it is for charity, I’ll give it a plug anyway. The calendar is available on the official show site on abc.com.
Jonathan the Weatherman seems the most uncomfortable picking out a suit and the only thing in his size is something rather embarrassing. Steve seemed like a rather nice guy, trying to convince the Weenie Weatherman that it wasn’t that bad. Reminded me of the old song: “he was afraid to come out of the bathroom. He was afraid to come out to the beach . . . one two three four, tell the people what he wore. He wore an itsy bitsy tiny weenie yellow polka dot bikini, that he wore for the first time today.”
Craig M jumps in front of the camera first, waggling his fanny for the camera. Craig M was much more interested in strutting for the camera than he was in talking to Ali. Kirk from Green Bay actually scored a decent amount of clothes (man-capris and a shirt). As a native ‘Sconnie, I can attest that those Wisconsin guys can be rather pasty white mid-winter when this was filming, so that was probably a good choice by the producers. Ty from Nashville produces a guitar out of nowhere –seriously, there was no way he was hiding it in his swim trunks, and woos Ali with a song.
I Think We’re Alone Now, For Five Minutes. Let Me Tell You All About My Failed Marriage
Ty grabs alone time with Ali in order to confess that he’s divorced, after he made a youthful discretion (he was 27 when he got married – is that still considered youthful? Gen Y kids, who knows.). Ty is emulating Vienna’s move from last season where she tried to monopolize all of his time in an early group date telling Jake about her broken heart and divorce. Apparently that worked out for Vienna, and like Vienna, Ty got interrupted by someone else actually wanting to talk to their (mutual date) without dragging out all their dirty laundry for a good airing entirely too early.
This time, it was the Weatherman, moving in for some alone time. Jonathan is not going to win this thing. He’s creeping me out, as weatherman usually do. I’m not sure why – I just don’t like meteorologists. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to focus on the forecast (even when I actually care and want to know how to dress the kids), as I’m always too distracted with the crazy outfits and silly hair and standing around with crowds of people.
Jonathan spends all of his alone time with Ali ripping on Craig M, saying that he lacks character and is a dangerous person. Jonathan is right that Craig M is spoiling for a fight, but he wasted all of his time talking about someone else – a mistake that Ali herself made last season when she spent all of her time fixated on Vienna instead of developing her own connection with Jake. Craig M confronts Jonathan as soon as he’s done talking to Ali, teasing him about his shoes and pretty much trying to starting a fight. Jonathan is too smart to take the bait (even though he’s a self-proclaimed brown belt who could knock Craig M down, but he doesn’t want to risk a punch to the face). Craig M is certainly getting the jerky bully edit. As my old friend Cali used to say “you can’t edit in a bad personality.”
Back at the Dude Ranch, the remaining guys are waiting to see who gets the final OOO date, and who will have no chance to see Ali on a date this whole episode. Landscaper Chris L and John C were disappointed when the gift was cufflinks with Jesse’s initials, JB on them. Roberto was the other guy left dateless this episode.
Justin interrupts some guy that I have no clue who he was to spend time with Ali. Craig the lawyer fixes on Justin some more (rather than making any attempt to talk to Ali, apparently), while Justin is making his move on Ali. Ali gives her date rose to Ty the guitar playing divorced guy. Justin is envious that he didn’t get the group date rose.
Who Goes to Vegas And Doesn’t See A Single Elvis Impersonator?
The next day, Jesse has a OOO date with Ali. He’s the guy from Peculiar, MO, and he is an odd cat. I wonder if he brought his own shirt with French cuffs or if the show provided that one for him, as he described himself as a “t-shirt guy.” Ali greets Jesse on the steps to a private jet where they are heading off to Vegas. He’s cute, I don’t mind his tattoo nearly as much as Craig M apparently did, but he is a youngster, only 24 years old. Jesse holds Ali’s hand while they are taking off in the jet, as she is not a comfortable aircraft passenger. They land in Vegas and hop into a Ferrari convertible that Thomas Magnum could have used to cruise around Hawaii back in the day. They drive down the strip. Does Ali have some control issues, as she is always driving. Either that, or the show didn’t spring for insurance for any drivers other than Ali.
Ali and Jesse go to a brand new place called Liquid where they strip down into swimwear and have a huge private pool. Ali seems to be enjoying herself, even when Jesse remarks that the oyster on a halfshell (with a slice of lemon) tastes somewhat like excrement, with a slice of lemon. I’d feel the same way, but I don’t know I would have put it so bluntly on a first date.
They clean up well, with Jesse in a suit (with cufflinks) and Ali in a nice sparkely gown. They’re all dressed up, but with no place to go, as they seem to be just hanging out having a private dinner. Jesse admits he’s from a town with 3,000 people, and Ali admits she’s from an even smaller town, but likes the city. Jesse tells her about his passion for construction work and that makes Ali want to learn more, so she gives him a rose for being a genuine, solid guy. I’m not sure that he’s going to be around for long, but I don’t think Ali has the “killer instinct” to kick out a perfectly pleasant guy mid-date. I can’t remember who did that to Fred a couple seasons ago, was it Deanna or Jillian, but just plain cold as they’d already eliminated the other party to the two on one date and didn’t need to cut him like that.
Back at the Dude Ranch, Craig M continues his campaign to torture the Weatherman by putting on a bunch of Jonathan’s clothes and sweating all over them. Seriously, does anyone really do stuff like that? They very astute Mr. LG opines that everything that Craig M says is negative – that he doesn’t feel good unless he’s making someone else feel bad. Even though he might not be showing this side to Ali now, it’s part of him, and isn’t good.
Ali and Jesse get a private concert from Jamie Cullum (not sure, honestely, I’ve never heard of him). Guess Chicago wasn’t available for a second season, but at least I’ve heard of them. Jesse doesn’t sound like he’s heard of this singer either, but says this is his best first date ever.
Cocktail Parties – The Perfect Time to Throw Around a Baseball and a Weatherman
Time for the cocktail party, where three guys have a rose (Frank, Ty, and Jesse), three guys haven’t had dates at all, and Ali shows up in a cute cream-colored cocktail dress. She singles out Chris L the landscaper from New England (Mr. LG’s pick for the final 2 from the first episode). Chris tells Ali that he’s the oldest of three brothers in his family (but didn’t seize on the opportunity to tell her that they recently lost their mom), and that he is jealous that he didn’t have the chance to get to meet her more yet.
Next up is Roberto of the first impression rose and salsa dancing. He’s a world traveling former baseball player who was in the minor league system for the Rockies and Twins. He pulls out a pair of mitts and teaches her how to throw a knuckleball and compliments her pitching style.
Next up is the guy who looks too much like Jake but talks in mumbles (Kasey), who doesn’t even get to impress her with his lack of speech articulation before rose-holding OOO date having Frank interrupts even though he doesn’t have anything at stake that night. That is a rude move, Frank. Go take a timeout in your parents’ basement.
They are playing up for some big confrontation at the cocktail party between Craig M and Jonathan the Weatherman. Jonathan goes to talk to Ali, which gives Craig M the chance to apply more hair product and come up with more meteorologist quips while Jonathan once again wastes all his time talking about Craig M instead about himself and how he feels about Ali.
Ali talks to Craig M next, and she asks him sincerely if he even likes her because he always looks away from her. Ali calls him on his body language that he’s closed off and not facing her, wondering why other guys think he’s dangerous. He’s totally bombing on her questions, and Mr. LG has once again called it that he’s a low self-esteem jerk who can’t even talk to a woman, and has to pick on smaller men to feel valid. Lo-ser. I honestly feel from this exchange that Ali has no interest in Craig M, and that if he does stick around through this rose ceremony, it’s a producer’s pick for the sake of drama. Ali wants guys who are interested in her, and she’s called Craig M out as there for being the Omarosa of The Bachelorette, not to date her. For some reason Ali doesn’t see Craig M interrogate Jonathan about the conversation that Ali assured Jonathan would be private, but it’s plenty uncomfortable to watch a grown man attempt to bully another grown man.
Time for the rose ceremony:
Ali gives the obligatory “I don’t want to see anyone go, but this is part of the process” speech and begins.
First rose goes to:
Kasey - the guy who looks like Jake but talks like he has a mouth full of marbles.
Hunter – who got no air time this episode, but I think was the ukulele player last week
Roberto – the baseball player / salsa dancer
Chris L – the landscaper and Mr. LG’s pick
Justin – Rated R wrestler, who hops over and gladly accepts
Steve – who seemed like a nice guy from the group date
Kirk – our Green Bay native who keeps a low profile so far
John C – who didn’t get a date or any air time this episode
Craig R – the lawyer who talked more about Justin than Ali. Lat, Elie and Kash at Above the Law: A Legal Tabloid - News, Gossip, and Colorful Commentary on Law Firms and the Legal Profession will be happy to have a lawyer still in it, as they love covering attorney contestants on this show.
Chris N – I didn’t see anything of him today,
And the final rose goes to Jonathan the Weatherman, and she thanks him for having her back this week.
Surpringly, drama-king Craig M is gone (take that, posters who think that the whole show is scripted, as that is some prime drama walking out the door very early). Creepy Craig hopes that there are attractive women on his flight home so they can luck out whereas Ali has missed out. Um ok, jerk. You couldn’t even fake interest in her, but she should have kept you around and gotten rid of some guy who could look her in the eye and ask her a question about herself.
Also gone is Tyler, who had some mysterious bruise on his forehead, and some other guy that I didn’t even catch his name, as they didn’t show him saying goodbye to Ali. Sorry dude, I saw you standing there, but not with a name caption. Maybe they should have gotten monogrammed suits for the guys early on to assist us poor recappers.
Join us next week when PhoneGrrrl will resume her recapping duties. Sadly, Craig M will need to continue his campaign to popularize the too tight three piece suit somewhere else, but I’m sure he will jump on any opportunity to promote himself, the enterprise. Maybe he’ll show up on the next season of Celebrity Rehab, as I’ve heard that they’ve been having problems casting the upcoming season (despite the fact that Lindsey Lohan and David Hasselhoff both seem to have clear schedules for the upcoming future).