Andi Dorfman Addresses Josh Murray Split on 'The Bachelor: Chris Tells All' : People.com
Andi Dorfman: Splitting from Josh Murray Was the 'Biggest Failure of My Life'
02/15/2015 AT 09:00 PM EST
While most of The Bachelor's "Chris Tells All" special was not particularly illuminating (save for further confirmation of the fact that Kelsey is not of this planet), the second half of the episode gave a rare, raw insider's perspective on the inner workings of the show – and into Andi Dorfman's recent heartbreak.
Dorfman, who split from fiancé Josh Murray soon after the premiere of Chris Soules's season of The Bachelor, tearfully admitted to host Chris Harrison that her broken engagement was the "biggest failure of my life."
Harrison, who split from his wife of 18 years back in 2012, was genuinely sympathetic as he listened to Dorfman's confession.
Despite appearing quite close in front of reporters at the Bachelor live premiere in January, Dorfman admitted that was the night she knew that she and Murray were essentially over. "Having people ask about wedding dates and then seeing the other happy couples and people planning weddings, we had to ask ourselves, 'Why aren't we planning a wedding? Let's just be honest – why is it that we don't have a date?' ... That trip was very eye-opening."
Dorfman said their split "was pretty mutual" and explained she and Murray "were both very aware of the fact that we just didn't better each other. I didn't feel supportive and empowered and I don't think I gave him that support and empowerment that he needed. When you have two very passionate, very strong personalities in one house and nobody can back down and nobody is the calming force for one another ... it's a lot of emotion. It's a lot of tension in one house."
That's not to say, however, that they didn't fight to make the relationship work – by Dorfman's own admission, the two were so in love that they "sickened" the people around them: "I was finally that person where people were like, 'Look how in love they are.' "
"We loved each other and I think knowing what we felt for one another probably makes it that much harder not being together now," she said. "I'll always love him. I've never loved anybody like that in my life. I never even experienced love like that. I mean, will always, always have a love for him. That was my first true love, without a doubt – and my first heartbreak."
While their split was as friendly as possible, the two are not currently speaking. "There's a lot of emotion there so it's hard to keep a positive, healthy relationship going on now," said Dorfman, "and I think both of us get upset about each other's actions and we're just ... it's not a healthy place right now."
As Dorfman went on to reveal, her heartbreak isn't the only thing making her emotional: "I feel bad," she said. "I feel like I disappointed people, and it breaks my heart to know that people rooted for us. I feel bad that it didn't work out."
That said, Dorfman is still "grateful" to have been a part of the Bachelor experience. "My life changed forever. ... I don't want to look back on that part of my life with any regret or disappointment or anger. I want to look back and be like, 'You know, it didn't work out, but I still care for him, and I'm always going to care for him.' "
The Bachelor airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.
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