Welcome to the bizarre episode where reality show contestants who have been eliminated dish about the finalists before the “winner” is even announced. Can you picture this happening in any other show? Wouldn’t Survivor fans say, what the heck, show us who won already. Heck, even Flavor of Love fans may not have a patience of this piece of fluff which prolongs an already long season. I struggle to recap an episode that is essentially, a recap, but nonetheless, here we are.
We’ve Got Two Hours To Kill? What the Heck, Let’s Start With Clips From An Interview With Jake.
Chris Harrison starts off by showing clips of an interview he had prior to the show with Jake. To tease the whole worthless episode, he starts out by diving into the Rozlyn and the production staffer (whom they are referring to as “a producer”) “affair.” Jake mentions that this revelation “knocked him off his high horse.” And here we thought he was riding a motorcycle or helicopter the whole season, I don’t even remember seeing him on a pony, let alone a high horse.
Without dwelling on this long enough for it to get interesting, Chris transitions over to “another game-player this season” and talks about Elizabeth, but not long enough for that to be interesting either.
Chris then asks Jake about Vienna and his extreme acts of wimpiness standing on the bridge, contemplating bungee jumping. To give the perception of equal time, Jake talks about opening fortune cookies with Tenley and what a wonderful journey that is. Wow, Chinese food, what a trip, man.
I Seriously Want This 30 Minutes of My Life Back. Digging Deep Into The Who Gives A Crap Files of Past Contestants.
When we come back from commercial break, we get to see some sort of reality show version of Hell where former contestants from many different seasons gathered for a reunion in Vegas. We get nightmare contestants from past seasons showing us exactly why they are still single. Apparently they are also going on some cruise in Mexico, talking about how much promiscuity is going on in this group. I didn’t see any former “principles” (i.e. “the bachelor” or “the bachelorette” from any given season) in these “prolonging those 15 minutes by any means necessary” groups of mingling singles, but there were some former “final rose” contestants, including the still love seeking Jesse the snowboarder, who never gives up any opportunity to promote his brand.
As if we haven’t spent enough time watching these former contestants, we come back from the next commercial and see a Bachelor / Bachelorette service project with former contestants (including former principles Charlie O’Connell and some other dude that I recognized but didn’t write down fast enough – was it Matt? Oh who cares, really. No, I’m serious, does anyone care? Why on earth is this show 2 hours long? I’ve been a reality tv recapper long enough I really think this slice of programming torment is directed right at me personally – I digress, back to the recap).
By this time we’ve completely forgotten about this year’s cast entirely. Oh wait, that’s Jake, and they are showing all the marvelous things that they are doing while filming in St. Lucia, and then what Fleiss and company are doing for Haiti and other charities. There are kids painting pictures for lighthouses and tons of other “filler.” Good grief, we’re half an hour in and haven’t talked to anyone on stage from this season yet.
They Got All Dressed Up, Might As Well Let the Girls From This Season Talk Some Too.
Finally we have a stage full of former contestants from this season. We get lots of giggly girl comments about how much they still like Jake. Ashley confirms that she “fell” into Jake’s arms in her introduction on purpose, and that she practiced a couple time in her hotel room. Now you know next season someone is going to pole vault into their introduction, or perhaps arrive by disintegrating chair like Po in Kung Fu Panda to try to raise the bar once again.
The girls dish on their fellow contestants, and comment that Tenley is straight out of a Disney princess movie who poops rainbows. Now that you mention it, she does seem rather like Giselle in Enchanted. That completely explains the ridiculous voice. For equal time, we get to see Ali bag on Vienna and other folks pile on about her anti-social attitude. Chris tries to find out what exactly about Vienna that got all the girls so ticked off. There was a number of comments, but it mostly came down to she’s an immature idiot who doesn’t think about what she’s saying. Gia, as always, came to Vienna’s defense and said that she’s “a good person who deserves to be loved by someone she loves.” That is a nice sentiment. Too nice for this show, unfortunately, as it rarely ends up that way. But wait, Jason and Molly are getting married ON TV, so true love can happen. I wonder if ABC still has all that tacky pink décor from Ryan and Trista’s nuptuals.
Elizabeth tries to defend herself as not being a game player, but admitted that upon viewing the show, she was a major kiss-blocking tease. I didn’t create the Elizabeth Dating Decider game for nothing, kiddo. Check it out if you missed that recap: http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum...go-season.html You were a major game player, and you’re lucky that hardly any single straight men whom you might like to date would ever watch this show.
Prelude To a Confrontation – What Did You See Rozlyn Do?
Then they talked about Rozlyn and her kissing and cuddling in view of the other girls with one of the producers. Jessie witnessed them making out on a stairwell. Single mom Ella said that Rozlyn announced “if you see [producer’s name], tell him to come to my room because I need to be put to bed.” Let’s just say that enough of the ladies indicated they had noticed definite hanky panky that Rozlyn will have a credibility issue when she comes on this show later to defend herself.
You’ve Been The One Most Recently Publicly Dumped And Humiliated, How Do You Feel Gia?
Gia, as the most recently eliminated bachelorette, gets the spotlight for a segment. As the prettiest contestant in the final three, I was surprised that he ditched her in favor of a Tori Spelling stand-in and Disney princess camp escapee. She admits that she was insecure and didn’t open up to Jake as much as the other two girls did. Of course we finish up with the bathtub date from the last episode. We see Jake telling her that “it’s ok to fall” and I want to punch him in the throat. He had been a contestant just a year ago. He’s got to be some kind of sadist to simultaneously encourage multiple girls to just “fall” for him. Maybe Jake is hoping some cable channel will pick him up in a reality version of Big Love.
Gia is wearing some pink be-dazzeled catastrophe of a dress but still looks better than the finalists. She still seems broken up other his choice and over her lack of confidence for not throwing herself at him like some crazed stalker. She says “next time I like a guy, I’m going to be like Michelle.” Camera pans over to Michelle, who is not amused, as Chris indicates that “yup, guys love that.”
Now A Moment of Quiet Insanity with Michelle.
Smooth transition, and now we’re talking to Michelle, whom Chris remarks “shed more tears than any other contestant” and was kicked out in the middle of a date. We get to see highlights from the train wreck (or plane wreck – given her love of plane related analogies) of her “journey” on the show. And we end up with the most unwanted kiss ever, resulting in an immediate departure by city bus mid-date.
Michelle continues to be “shocked” by Jake’s bold move of kicking her off after she asked to leave, even though she agrees that if she was in the same position, she would have made the same decision if the situations had been reversed. Chris calls Michelle on her continued anger, and she pulls the “you were mean how you edited me” card. Elizabeth chimed in that she thought the editing was 100% accurate and that Michelle was a distant drama-queen PITA when she wasn’t in view of Jake. Michelle attempts to convince Elizabeth that she doesn’t need a therapist, and other girls beg to differ. Therapists around the country secretly hope that she doesn’t call their office, as she is beyond help. Dr. Phil is delisting his number as we speak.
You Got Off This Show With Your Job And Most of Your Dignity, Way To Go Ali.
Ali comes to center stage wearing a brown shirt-dress and we get to hear about her fear of flying, see their one on one date together where Jake flew her to the polo field where 70s and 80s power band Chicago played “You’re the Inspiration.” Oh Jake, Ali would have been so much better of a choice for you than either of your finalists, so sad.
And we get to see Jake and the ugly polka-dot sofa “I need to leave for work unless you tell me I’m the final one” speech. As a woman with a job, I completely respect Ali for her decision and hope that she has good luck in love in her future. Ali confesses that she had really felt that if Jake felt for her what she felt for him, that he wouldn’t care that she left the show, and that he’d come find her after the show ended. Ali was scared that Jake would feel that he owed her the final rose if she lost her job over him and staying on the show.
She says that if she could go back and do it differently she “probably would.” Don’t second-guess that choice, Ali. This is a guy who brought dim wit Vienna to the finales. He obviously isn’t using the same decision-making criteria that she uses. Perhaps he’s implementing an “underpants gnomes” business model in his dating choices.
Step One – eliminate all the smart girls with careers/ keep the bimbos.
Step Two – ???
Step Three – huge dating success
The World According to Rozlyn: All Y’All Are Liars and Bad People. I’m The Only Believable One. Yup, That’s the Ticket. Too bad we don’t still have Jon Lovitz around to interview her, as he knows a thing or two about pathological liars.
Next up, Rozlyn, wearing a lovely tiered dishcloth. She is walking through the studio with a burley production staff guy – so she does have a “type” after all. Chris introduces her by saying “here’s the woman who got a guy fired” and she comes on to a chorus of icy stares from her fellow bachelorettes. Chris said that he holds no ill-will for their “he-said, she-said” in the media despite her claims that it was “fabricated” by the show. This producer had interviewed her in her hometown. Rozlyn states that it was just a friendship and that nothing ever happened physically between them.
Chris asks why she didn’t object when he confronted her the night of the Most. Dramatic. Cocktail Party. Ever. She doesn’t actually answer that question and says something incomprehensible. Then she says that the mean production staff wouldn’t allow her to call her son, so she had to trade sexual favors for the producers’ cell phone. Ok, she’s not that blatent, but she does blame them and say that they didn’t allow her to call her son. Valisha and Ella both pointed out that as two other single moms on the show, they both had daily phone conversations with their kids with no interference from the staff.
Now Chris tries another approach, that of a parent to a lying child: “When I talk to my son and he’s going on an elaborate story about unicorns and magicians and stuff, I sit him down and say ‘son, isn’t the simplest story the truth.” Rozlyn can’t remember her question over the commercial break, which was “what proof of a physical relationship exists?” The other ladies line up and tell her they saw her cuddling with him, touching his inner thigh, making out on the stairs, and asking the producer to “put her to bed.” Rozlyn swears on her son that it didn’t happen, and calls Ella a liar and tries to trash her. Valisha tells Rozlyn that she didn’t want to believe it was true, but that she woke up at 4:00 am one night, got up and searched the house for her and didn’t find her in any of the rooms available to the girls.
Rozlyn then claims that all the girls and Chris must all be lying because they don’t have any of her actions on videotape. Chris tells her that they don’t shoot 24/7, they don’t make you wear mikes 24 hours, the producers know where the cameras are, and they don’t treat our contestants like they are in a Vegas casino, expecting that they’ll be stealing things. Rozlyn then accuses Chris of hitting on this producer’s ex-wife when they were in New Zealand, and continues her campaign of unbelievable bull-pucky.
Remember when I wanted to punch Jake in the throat earlier for leading on Gia when she wasn’t even in his final two? I take that back and want to redirect that throat punch to Rozlyn, who has earned it with her swipes at Robo-host Chris and bubbly Ella for no reason other than spite and venom. Oh yeah, everyone else is lying but you’re telling the truth. That makes sense.
And Now For Our Main Course, The Ladies Feast on Jake.
Lastly we have Jake face the ladies. First they talk about Gia and how his “heart was crying” when he had to let her go. Then he talks about how he wished that Ali would have jumped out of the limo and came back to him. Mr. Wishy Washy sounds like he’s still in love with everyone.
Chris then asks about the two-on-one date with Catherine and Ella where he let both go at the same time. Catherine is still holding a big grudge that she “deserved” to be there longer. This is a dating show. Tenure on the show is not decided by merit.
After watching the show, Jake said that he wished he would have kept Christina around for longer as she was funny and he missed out on seeing that side of her. Too bad her model-phobia was so paralyzing that she turned from funny to annoying on her last group date on the show.
Then we get the season’s blooper reel. I don’t think anyone will be winning $25,000 from America’s Funniest Home Videos, but it is an ABC show, so don’t rule it out yet.
Jake confirms that he is “happy with his decision” and then we get to see more completely unnecessary video clips about Vienna and Tenley. In a stomach-turning promo for next week’s finale, we get to see Jake pull a full-Mesnick cry over a bridge (nice touch) while they promote Tenley as “sugar” and Vienna as “spice.” I guess annoyingly dumb can be both a sweetener and a spice these days.
Join us next week, when my partner Brit Lit gives us her take on the finale, and then we find out what they have in store for us for after the finale rose, where I may once again attempt to recap a non-show.