Welcome back, Bachelor fans. It is I, LG, back for a second consecutive week. My partner in recapping crimes, BritLit, is out of town this week, but she’ll be back for the next two weeks.
Now we check in on our passel of lovely ladies. This week our brackets are narrowing down from the Desperate Dozen down to the Neurotic Nine – a hat tip to AFrankR for this week’s bracket title, and thanks so much for all the PMs. I’m glad to see my pleas for reader participation have not gone unheard.
I Hear Vienna Is Lovely This Time of Year If she isn’t locked in a house with a bunch of other girls competing for one man.
The ladies are unnaturally gathered around their living room, waiting to open the first date card. They are looking rather disheveled, leading me to think that they were woken up at the crack of noon to film this special moment. I’m sticking the term OOO for one-on-one as that is easier to type and works on so many levels. The first date card is a OOO date for Vienna. Michelle is super jealous, naturally.
Mr. LG points out that they must have woke the ladies up really early, as they don’t look “put together.” Apparently some people need more beauty sleep than others. Ali is jealous that Vienna is on a OOO date – how dare he after our OOO date was so super.
We get lots of footage of Jake and Vienna departing for their date and hoping in a helicopter. I just noticed that Vienna has one of the largest mouths this side of Billy Bass, the singing fish. I am really trying hard to like Vienna, but she just seems like she’s trying to be ditzy. We see clips of the other ladies back at the ranch, and they aren’t all fans of Vienna. One proclaims “if she’s his type, then I am not.” Well, that is my fundamental understanding of the show: that he supposed to pick one person, not multiple women. This isn’t Big Love, after all.
Vienna and Jake fly in a helicopter, and arrive at their destination, the Bridge to Nowhere. They are going bungee jumping, and Vienna tells him that he’s crazy to want to do that. Mr. LG was curious as to where there was a bridge without any road leading up to it, so he looked online. Yes, we’re nerds like that. Here’s your geography tidbit for the day. The Bridge to Nowhere, San Gabriel Mountains. It was built in 1936 as part of a road project. The road washed out in a flood and the project was abandoned in 1938, and the bridge stands there with no road access. The only ways to get there are a 9 mile hike or horseback ride, or apparently a helicopter ride. Sarah Palin is not the only one with a cool bridge to nowhere story now.
Stop Crying Or I’ll Jump Off This Bridge Just To Get Away From You.
Before Vienna can whip up an appropriate amount of drama about bungee jumping, Jake proclaims that he is afraid of heights, and then goes on to prove that he’s more of a drama queen than Vienna. Jake and Vienna gets Velcro’d together in harnesses, then an actual man working on the crew picks tiny Jake up over the tall railing on the side of bridge. Jake and Vienna sit on the railing, and Jake freaks out and starts crying.
Vienna realizes that someone needs to man up and put on some pants, so she pats Jake on the back while he cries into her hair extensions. Let’s hope that his tears don’t damage the adhesive or she could come back looking a little more disheveled than the girls did this morning. At long last, they jump off the bridge, strapped together. They have their first kiss while hanging upside down under the bridge.
After the jump, they retreat to have some food, wine, and conversation. Honestly, I can’t see the appeal, but she’s no more annoying than other women who have been on the show.
Back at the ranch, the group date card arrives. The clue is “Love is no laughing matter” and the attendess are: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ashley, Ali, Tenley, Jessie, Kathryn and Michelle. Ella is complaining that she has yet to have a date, and that she will be taking it up with Jake.
Tenley proclaims that she would be surprised if Vienna comes back from her OOO date with a rose, as she thinks that Jake will see what “they girls in the house” see and send her packing.
Meanwhile back on their date, Jake gets out of the hottub and gets the date rose for Vienna, as if just to prove Tenley wrong. Jake makes a perhaps prophetic statement about her maturity, and says that “I think I may have made a decision.” Vienna accepts Jake’s rose, and proclaims that she is on Cloud Jake right now. Cloud Jake is like Cloud Nine, only afraid of heights and a little shrimpy.
Vienna comes back and brags about her date, There are several “amazings” and “connections” so the social drink cues are coming so fast and furious. It seemed like the same situation as the television drinking game they featured on How I Met Your Mother last night, when the Robin character (who hosts a local news program which airs in the middle of the night) finds out that people are drinking every time she says “but, um” so she says it over and over, causing everyone to fall over. Yes, I watched another show that airs at the same time as The Bachelor. Monday nights are murder on my DVR – so many options.
Ashleigh proclaims she is not interested in hearing about her OOO date, and Ali is upset that Vienna dared to go on a OOO date and return, and informs her of that. It’s a little hard to tell whether Vienna is really as obnoxious as the other girls indicate, as we don’t see anything nearly as over the top Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs as what we’ve seen from Michelle this season.
Did You Hear The One About The Man Who Walked Into A Bar With Eight Women . . .
Jake’s going on his group date to a comedy club. Michelle is excited to go on a group date, but would rather have a OOO date. Jon Lovitz is the headliner at the Comedy Club. I remember Jon from his pathological liar character on SNL. Apparently Jon is not actually married to Morgan Fairchild, because upon seeing Jake’s entourage he tells Jake: “my God, there are eight of them, why don’t you just pick one and leave the rest to me.”
Jon Lovitz is coaching the girls on how to do comedy. Ashleigh picks up the insane martyr torch that Christina dropped last week, and starts inappropriately crying at a fun event. Christina was sobbing over the prospect of modeling for pictures. Ashleigh has made a complete mess of her face, crying over the prospect of telling a couple jokes in front of Jake, Lovitz, and a live audience.
Maybe it isn’t a good time to tell the ladies that these cameras around the house and on all the dates is actually going to be used to make a tv show that millions of people will watch. Heck, more people read my recap last week than were watching that comedy show at the club. (Lots more, but not that I’m bragging or anything. Ok, I am.)
Anyone who has seen the show before know that we’re not going to see the whole set for each of the eight girls. Heck, we never saw that much stand up comedy on the series Last Comic Standing, which featured real comedians, not crying girls. As reality tv fans have learned with many seasons of American Idol and Last Comic Standing, sometimes bad singing is good comedy. But bad comedy is not good singing. Not unless the joke somehow involves people singing the new hit “Pants On the Ground.” Love that song.
Ali is up first and tells some lame Winnie the Pooh joke, in which the punchline is Pooh. Somebody (maybe Jessie, I couldn’t really did the face) doesn’t tell a joke, but instead lies down and wraps her legs behind her head. Lovitz doesn’t miss out on that opportunity to announce that someone that flexible doesn’t need to tell good jokes. Elizabeth (she of the many rules about kissing) had a very raunchy set, just so that there isn’t any question whether she’s actually a Mormon. After that, I think not.
Kathryn calls Jake onto stage and kisses him, proclaiming that there is no punchline, she just wanted to see how his lips taste. Michelle is giving them the dagger eyes, and tells us that when she finally kisses Jake, there will fireworks. Candy will fall from the sky, and they will rip each others’ clothes off. Let’s hope that happens on a group date.
Corrie comes up and makes fun of all the other girls, which is funny for the girls, but definitely not for the audience, as she focused a lot on Vienna, who wasn’t even there. The audience couldn’t have been less interested, and Jake was rather stone-faced while hearing that Vienna loves to run around the mansion topless and talking trash about the other girls.
Ashleigh had declined to come up the first time she was called. When she finally goes on stage, she tells three blonde jokes, survives her severe case of comedyphobia. Luckily Ashleigh survived this terrifying date experience and (unlike Christina last week, who was traumatized for the rest of the date) starts having a good time.
Take a Number and Tell Jake How Much You Don’t Like Vienna.
Back at the ranch, Ella gets a date card for a OOO date. Let’s lift off to another world. Vienna looks very washed out without the makeup. She blathers on and on about her date, annoying everyone at the mansion. Ok, maybe it’s not everyone else having a problem. Maybe Vienna really is an annoying self-absorbed boob? Couldn’t be.
The group date continues with a roof party at a hotel, with food and wine. Because we haven’t really had enough desperation this episode, Tenley borrows Vienna’s playbook from last week and tells Jake that she had been married and divorced. She cries and tells him that she was a virgin when she got married, and that he cheated on her and left her heart-broken. Surprisingly, she doesn’t get interrupted by some bikini clad bandit trying to get more attention. Jake seems touched, but again, I’m wondering why (without any children involved) a past marriage is what someone chooses to talk about with their limited time.
Ashleigh gets to spend time with Jake, and she confesses that “the girls, myself included” were livid that Jake picked Vienna. The main complaint seems to be that she blathers on about her date. Jake is concerned that Vienna is so controversial and she isn’t even there to defend herself on this date. These girls need to be careful not to pile on Vienna too much, as it appears that he’ll defend her if he thinks they are ganging up on her.
As if on cue, back on the ranch, Vienna is talking to Gia and Ella. Vienna proclaims them all “fake” and says that they are jealous of her because she is real. From her fake hair to her fake toenails (with plenty of emphasis on her enhanced bossom), nothing screams “real” like Vienna. Heck, I think Vienna may have more sources of component parts than Vienna sausages, which are made with a mixture of meat and food-like substances which can only be described as “eclectic.”
Ali gets some alone time with Jake, their first conversation since their OOO date last week. As the variations on a theme continue, Ali weighs in that she was disappointed that Vienna came back with a rose. Jake gives us a confessional that he’s having a hard time trying to make all the women happy, as he isn’t a “serial dater.” We beg to differ, Jake, as you are in fact dating 12 women this week.
We Interrupt This Vienna Bashing For A Michelle Kissing Letdown Meltdown.
The ladies are gathered around the bottle of wine, toasting Corrie for daring to skewer Vienna with her comedy routine, proclaiming that she did Jake a “justice” (for which I think she meant a “service” – unless there is a new superhero in the Justice League, Truth-Telling Girl, whose super power is blinding honesty). All of the ladies except Michelle raise the glass to toast Corrie, but Michelle somehow makes even this conversation weird and uncomfortable.
Michelle rejects Ali’s attempt to help her show some social graces. Elizabeth sagely points out that Michelle doesn’t need a husband, she needs a therapist.
Michelle gets OOO time with Jake, and tells him that she is the only one here to find love and who wants a husband. She is crying while she tells Jake she really isn’t emotional. Then she awkwardly tells Jake that she wants to kiss him. All the other girls watch and worry that they are never going to hear the end of it from Michelle. Michelle proclaims “you gotta give me more than that.” Jake says he’s “honestly ready for this night to be over.” This ship be sinking, Michelle. But she doesn’t start bailing. Instead, she wants to push down on the throttle and drive this love boat straight to the bottom of the ocean.
As if they were readers of this website, the girls are analyzing Jake’s body language and see that he’s as far away from Michelle as the couch would allow. Michelle threatens to leave if he doesn’t beg her to stay and Jake replies “I think it would be better if you did leave.” She says “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me” and Jake says he gave her what she requested.
Jake walks her to a cab stand and puts her into an ugly green van. The ladies on the roof are tittering about what is going on, and Jake says “I asked Michelle to leave. When I know that someone isn’t right for me, we don’t need to wait for a rose ceremony.” The remaining ladies cheer and carry on with their party.
Jake doesn’t hand out a rose, and pretty much flees the group date and abandons the rest of the ladies on the roof. They talk about how brave he was to toss that looney mid-date. I think he did it out of self-defense. Maybe he’d seen the clip about her ripping his clothes off. Good riddance, Michelle, and I enjoy reading about how all her lunacy was actually a harsh edit. As my good pal Cali said on this website about 7 years ago, “You can’t edit in a bad personality.”
Why Do You Need To Take A Chopper To Sea World? It Has A Big Parking Lot, You Know.
They are playing up this flying theme for all it is worth this season, as Ella leaves for her OOO date with Jake in a helicopter and enjoy the scenery. They go to Sea World, and talk about how much she misses her son. I’m thinking “oh please, don’t drag another innocent child onto this show” so of course, they do. Just like Jason’s son Ty, and then the little girl who whose mom didn’t even make it to the finals with Jason, this show drags another minor into this mess. I was a single mom (before I married the fabulous Mr. LG) and the only person that I dated and introduced to lil LG was the future Mr. LG., and only after I was pretty darn sure that it was a serious relationship and that he wasn’t dating 11 other people at the same time.
Ella says “in a normal situation, I would never let a man I’m dating meet my son.” So, how on earth is it appropriate now, when Ella isn’t even the only person dating (and personally I don’t think she’s even in his top four)? It isn’t, and I wish the show would stop it. Ok, I’ll climb off my pulpit on that issue for now.
Ella’s son Ethan is seven, and he talked to Jake about planes. Jake admits that he was nervous to have Ethan there, but Ella says that she’s glad that Jake had a chance to meet him and see how Jake is with him. Ella says that she wants more kids. Jake asks how she would feel about hypothetically being engaged at the end of the show, and that makes Ella very hopeful that Jake’s feelings for her are above average. I really hope that he isn’t leading her on. As Cuba Gooding, Jr. told Tom Cruise in the movie Jerry McGuire, don’t mess with the single mom’s heart. That isn’t cool.
Ella says that she’s in for the long haul because there is a connection. Ah yes, more social drinking cues. Thanks Ella, I was feeling a little thirsty.
Vienna attempts to smooth things over with the other girls after no one else wanted to sleep in the same room with her last night. Personally I would have been happy to have a private room in that crazy house, but even Vienna picked that up as a snub by the other girls.
Too Much Teasing, Not Enough Pleasing.
Let’s face it. Usually the cocktail party before the rose ceremony is pretty boring. Girls who feel vulnerable circle around Jake and lobby for their rose. Elizabeth the letter writer who won’t let Jake kiss her (unless she is his one true love) is throwing her body towards his, but then just pulls back and alludes to a jealous side. Jake proclaims her a big tease for talking about kissing but not allowing it. He says that he knows that some people do not kiss for religious reasons, but that isn’t her deal (not after her stand up comedy set anyway). She admits that it isn’t a religious issue, but that she still wants to kiss him but doesn’t want him to kiss her.
Jake proclaims her the Queen of Mixed Signals. The Elizabeth says that she is offended that he thinks she is playing games with him. I think that Elizabeth is an excellent game player, and have an advance copy of her new dating board game. Check it out:
This new dating board game is actually courtesy of Mr. LG, who would much rather be watching 24 right now, but is helping me out with the graphic, so try not to notice that he used the Hasselbeck variation of Elizabeth’s name.
Interrupting Elizabeth’s torture session is Vienna, who has come to plead her case to Jake after hearing that the other girls have been trashing her reputation with him. Jake tells her to remember why she here, and to focus on herself. Great advice for someone who was already self-absorbed and as shallow as a saucer. The rest of the girls are ticked that Vienna is taking Jake’s time tonight when she already has a rose. Ali tries to explain to Vienna the math about more women than roses and that she isn’t competing for one, but it isn’t sinking in. It’s like trying to explain physics to a cat, I fear.
Elizabeth has now whipped herself into a frenzy and goes back to finish up her interrogation of Jake. She wants to know why he is “pressuring her” for a kiss. Jake doesn’t think Elizabeth has herself figured out yet, and that she’d be happier if she were in control. Or maybe he’d be happier if she were on a green bus, driving away from the mansion.
Chris Harrison appears and whisks Jake off to the Cave of Seclusion to ponder his choices in a room full of photos. I don’t think that this choice is that hard, really. Jake comes out and is ready to start passing around the flowers. Chris reminds us that Vienna and Ella already have roses.
And the roses go to:
Gia (who didn’t have a date this week and didn’t appear to have OOO time at the cocktail party).
Corrie, the jokester from the group date.
Tenley, who opened up about her divorce.
Ali, who was bitter that Vienna returned from her OOO date, that was in no way as cool as Ali’s OOO date last week.
Jessie, whom I think was the woman showing off her flexibility rather than comedy skills for Jon Lovitz.
Kathryn, the flight attendant.
And the final rose goes to: Ashleigh.
That leaves Game playing Elizabeth and Valashia, the single homemaker. I don’t remember her getting any air time this week or last week. I certainly don’t remember an explanation for how a single woman is a housewife, as who is paying for the house if she isn’t working. Oh who knows – not my problem, and not Jake’s either, as he cut her lose and she seemed to know that there wasn’t a “connection.” Social drink!
Even while saying goodbye, Elizabeth continues to flirt with her body while avoiding his mouth. Maybe Jake has really bad breath. We are down to the neurotic nine, so with both Michelle and Elizabeth leaving this week, we’ll need to see which ladies go loco next week.
As part of the closing credits, Jake does a series of “you know you’re the bachelor when” jokes which are pretty good. With a drink in hand, of course, as he looks like he’s auditioning for the role of Julian in The Trailer Park Boys. There’s a two drink minimum at Lovitz’ show, as drunk people laugh more. Let’s hope that isn’t part of Jake’s piloting routine as well. Join us next week as we continue our amazing journey with many connections and tearful decisions – we can all drink to that!