The Bachelor is back!
Tonight's season premiere was like a mix of Dancing with the Stars (the gowns, the body glitter, the spray tans!) and soft-core porn (Jake spent the first two minutes sudsing his abs in the shower, God help us all).
And while some initial meetings were downright painful—did a girl really ask if he had a "registry for those guns?"—others seemed to have some chemistry right off the bat.
So who will win? Are there any frontrunners? Here's what Jake tells us exclusively after tonight's episode…
Be honest. What'd you think of the girls?
I'm completely blown away. I'd talked to some of the past Bachelors and Bachelorettes, and they said, normally on the first night you can kind of pick out your top four—I have absolutely no idea. No clue in the world who they are!
Is it tough telling them apart?
I know faces but I don't know names. I'm not a good name person. That's the one thing if I could change anything about myself, just to have the memory of an elephant with names. One girl came up to me and said "What's my name?" And she got me. I had no idea! She told me Vienna, like the sausage. So I remember that.
Did you like the selection?
The 25 girls that came in that are just absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and I'm starting to get attached to each and every one of them in very different ways.
What do you think the girls think of you?
Everybody probably has me pegged as the perfect guy, which just couldn't be further from the truth. Maybe a little intense. As they're getting to know me, they'll find that I, you know, act like a 12-year-old all the time. I don't have a serious bone in my body.
Are you leaning toward one woman? How will you choose?
Unfortunately there are more than a couple of girls that I think there really may be something here! And you know, we have rose ceremonies coming up. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do! The only thing I'm trying to do is 'Don't panic.' I feel like if I just let my heart lead and stick with what I know I'll make some really good decisions.
So who will "win?" My money's on Ali, the "refreshing" blonde in the yellow dress who lost her voice and tripped, while my expert in-house male correspondent (who would like you to know he'll never get these two hours of his life back) is betting on Elizabeth, the brunette nanny who brought Jake a football.
What do you think of the new season? The girls? The boy? The two-minute shower scene? Who will win?