Of all episodes in a Bachelor/ette season, the “Tell All” episode is usually the one I anticipate the most. Sure, it never quite lives up to its promise—real secrets aren’t revealed and they’re always short on quality bloopers—but at least there’s some uncomfortable squirming and cattiness. And really, why else watch this show at all? As most of the two-hour show is packages of clips we’ve already seen, this recap is going to take a different approach and hopefully be fun for everyone, me included.
The only relationship I ever buy on this show is the one that Chris Harrison develops with the Bachelor. So, when Chris and Jason sat down for a chat, I had hope Chris’ rapport with Jason and his sly sense of snarkiness would bring out some juicy details. Ehhh, not so much…but there were a few interesting fun facts:
*Shannon was a truly disgusting mess when she tried to kiss him at the General Hospital wrap party.
*Jason’s favorite moment on a date was with Stephanie and her daughter, and surprisingly not in the hot tub with Jillian.
*Jason totally thought the dove eulogy at Naomi’s house was a prank.
*Apparently that whole hot tub thing with Jillian didn’t have enough passion for Jason, even though Chris said it looked like they were about to consummate a marriage.
*Jason tries to play us all for fools and says that he and Molly only went to first base on the tent date. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I can sell you.
*Sensing his insincerity, a horse tried to kill Jason by throwing him. The horse knew he would not get a rose.
*On the golf course, Jason lost a bet and Molly had to wear his pants. Jason claims he was embarrassed, and with those chicken legs, I suspect he’s telling the truth in this instance.
*Yet another in series of improbable truths, Jason claims that whole Ty going to bed thing was real and not scripted. You know, in addition to that bridge, I’ve also got an entire UFO—in tact with aliens still inside—up for sale.
*At the General Hospital “shoot,” there was an extra scene in which Jason’s character ends up killing himself after all the women confront him. Call me crazy, but that could be the end of the next Bachelor season if Fleiss gets desperate enough.
*Chris Harrison will not hesitate to tell Jason that he sucks at rapping.
*Sure, Jason, you weren’t farting in the hot tub and it was just the jets.
*What really happens in the Fantasy Suite is that the Bachelor and the girl he’s with that night have ten to eleven hours just to “enjoy each other.” Ya know, the warning is to call a doctor after four hours.
Wherein other Bachelor/ette alums wise up and get on the gravy train.
Of course, what would a WTA episode be without checking up on the “successful” couples that have come out of the show. In this little time-wasting interlude we learn:
*Ryan and Trista are producing another child, a girl. Both she and her older brother will eventually be, as per the contract with ABC, forced to appear on a future season of the Bachelor/ette.
*Hey, remember that crazy Charlie season? (My favorite, by far.) Sarah dumped his ass for being a drunkard after a couple of years, but then he sobered up. They’ve been back together for about a year.
*They hooked back up at a Halloween party because Charlie was dressed as Garfield. I’m guessing that though maybe Charlie was sober, Sarah wasn’t.
*There have been a lot of inter-cast hookups amongst the Bachelor/ette alumns, such as Holly (Matt’s season) dating Robert and Jesse (Deanna’s season).
*Chelsea may have posed for Playboy, but I couldn’t get Hefner on the line to confirm one way or the other.
*And Fred (Deanna’s season) and Noelle (Matt’s season) are in a very serious relationship. Perhaps they can be the new Ryan & Trista because I am TIRED of those two.
Spending time in the luke warm seat.
Finally, after all that filler, it is time to bring out the women so they can ostensibly tell all. They don’t tell a damn thing, in my estimation, but these are the highlights:
*Shannon was and is a stalker and looks more and more like Jerri Blank every day.
*Stephanie is still looking for love, wears a lot of jewelry, and all the ladies love her and think she’s great.
*Erica thinks her problem on the first night was that she tried to be too friendly and that’s why she got so many votes to be booted out. Ahh, keep telling yourself that, Erica. Can I interest you in a bridge?
*Megan and Erica still don’t get along but I’m kind of tired of their fighting so I totally tuned them out.
*This Natalie chick is called to the “hot seat” but I have no recollection of her until I’m reminded about the Vegas date. Apparently she felt stressed because she was trapped in the house and didn’t have any communication devices, so that’s why she was snappish causing all the women to hate her. Sounds reasonable to me—I mean the being stressed part. I lost internet connection for 10 minutes today and it freaked me out. Seriously, I do not remember anything about her other than something about bears.
Jillian then gets to relive her booting at the previous rose ceremony:
*Of course, she says it was an amazing journey.
*Jason now falls into the 70% mustard, 20% catsup category. The remaining 10% is unassigned.
*Jillian has a desire to kill all good will people have toward her and become the next Bachelorette. If she does, she needs to study Meredith’s season.
Oh please, when will this show end?
Finally, Jason comes out to “face the women” but this is about the most apathetic confrontation ever.
*Jillian isn’t that bitter about not ending up with him, though she does get in one jab about him kissing her on one date then Molly on the next, but even that is weak.
*Naomi isn’t bitter either, and was not in on the dead dove thing her mother did.
*Stephanie and Jason are glad to see each other; they think of one another as friends.
*Jason is very happy with his ultimate decision…of which he speaks not. Personally, I think all the rumors are wrong and Jason has decided to hook up with Jillian’s grandmother.
The bloopers are too short and not that funny. All we get are:
*Bees buzzing in ears during private interviews;
*Naomi constantly sniffing her pits
*Jillian’s boobs popping out;
*A series of umbrellas flipping the wrong way in Seattle (oooh, imagine that in such a rainy city!);
*The horse nearly killing Jason again—that horse wanted a rose, damnit!; and
*More crazy fart noises in the hot tub with Jason and Molly, because an 8 year old boy edited this package.
After the sad blooper reel, we get to “relive” Jason’s alleged romances with Molly and Melissa through the magic of re-edited video tape. Curiously, the rejected women are not polled as to whom they think Jason will choose.
There’s a bit more of a space filler with some ladies from seasons past opining what makes the perfect Bachelor. Apparently these ladies are looking for someone with nice eyes, a sense of style, nice hands, big feet, with cash in the bank, worldly (yet not British), not threatened by intelligent women, and who has a job. Personally, I always go for the lazy eyed slob with no car, job, or cash. (Thanks for the generic description, ladies!)
Finally, in the most revealing, spectacular ending ever, Chris Harrison introduces limo driver extraordinaire, Caesar. He’s been on the show for seven season, driving the limos of crazy women and men around. How he’s not slapped a drunken girl or guy, or just turned to them and said, “Hey, you do realize this is a game show with booze, right?” at any one point in his seven year tenure is truly astonishing.
Well, folks, that’s it for me on this season. Iguanachocolate will be finishing out this season with the finale and the WTAs next week. She’s going to let her snark flag fly and I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show.