Hello dear readers, tis I, iguanachocolate, here once again to guide you through the greatest love story that has ever existed. Forget Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, scoff at Napoleon and Josephine, sneer at Madonna and ARod – true love is here, on the Bachelor. Buying it? Yeah, me neither, but let us escape into the farce anyway. For the advertisers sake, if nothing else. Last week, Jason dumped Naomi and her crazy family and you can read all about it in Phonegrrrl’s magnificent recap, here. But that is history, for now we travel half way around the world to New Zealand with Jason and his three potential brides to be. Watch out Kiwi’s, America is coming to town.
First up for the romantic dates of a lifetime (or some kind of facsimile of one, anyway), is Jillian. Jason, his very own self with absolutely no help from the producers, has ‘arranged’ to take her on an incredible helicopter ride over some spectacular mountains. I have to say, as far as beauty goes, New Zealand has it all. Jillian thinks everything is going well and she is so lucky. Oh, and they are ‘really connecting’ (everybody, drink!). They land on a cliff where there just happens to be a picnic all set up. Has Jillian mentioned how lucky she feels? Hold on to that, dear. I would suggest that today is not your day to play the lottery, though. Jill asks Jason how he would describe her and he says “fun, exciting, gorgeous, and adventurous”. A little heads up, Jillian, he used some of those same words to describe Naomi, right before he dumped her. Just saying. Jillian tells Jason that he’s someone she can talk to and that he ‘gets’ her. She then lands the death knell in her ‘relationship’ by telling Jason that she’s looking for someone she can be best friends with, because that makes for a lasting friendship. Jason gets a dazed look in his eyes and says to the camera that he wants more than that. Meaning he heard nothing after the word ‘friend’. ‘Friend’ to him obviously means nothing more than a beer after work and taking in the odd ball game. Dude, a friend is what you want out of a mate. Passion dies, but a friend will change your diaper when you are old and decrepit.
They move on to dinner and he asks her how she feels about him. She says she has butterflies and that she is crazy about him. They kiss and Jason says to the camera that is exactly what he wanted to have happen. What happened, Jason? I must have missed it, because it seems like the same thing that has happened on all of his dates. He schmoozes, he kisses, the girl declares he’s dreamy. I feel like I am watching a motion picture of a Harlequin Romance paperback. Without the brilliant prose. It what will be a trend, Jillian lets him know she is up for the fantasy suite option without him even having to break out the invite from ole Chris. The go to the suite and done the bathing suits for the obligatory hot tub scene. I dunno, but to me it seemed like it was scripted and choreographed and could have been any cheesy soap opera scene. Hmmm, maybe it was. I think I actually saw that exact scene on All My Children. Between Erika Kane and anyone of her 13 husbands.
The next day Jason meets up with Molly in the rain. But nothing could dampen her spirits since she will be spending the day with Mr. Wonderful. Jason takes her bungee jumping, and I have to give it up for her, she looks terrified, but she does it and when it is over she says she wants to do it again. For her, it was the “most incredible experience ever” and says it is like falling in love. Yup, or jumping out of a plane. With no parachute. It’s just like that. The have lunch and Molly whips out a list of questions. Finally! Someone will ask the tough questions that should be asked, like has he got any sexually transmitted diseases, bankruptcies or ever slept with a man. But no, our little Molly wants to know what kind of ice cream he likes or what he would eat for the rest of his life if he could only eat one thing. (that last one is hamburger, if you were wondering. I know I was.) She saves one question to ask him later. He thinks it is fun, but knows they will have to get serious (i.e.: sleep with her) if he wants to know she’s his one and only. Or at least one of two one and onlys.
That evening at dinner, Molly confesses her nervousness and says she has a difficult time letting her feelings show. Jason says that her parents weren’t all that touchy feely and that he is a really affectionate guy. Yupper, we know that, after seeing all the kissing that has been going on this season. Molly says she has had a wall up and that just because he hasn’t seen it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Then she asks him if he is afraid he’ll pick the wrong person and he opens up the Bachelor Guide to Pat Answers and turns to the one where he says that he can’t make any promises, but he’ll sleep with her and let her know. Or something like that. Oh, and he doesn’t want to hurt her. I love that one. It’s my favorite. No, really. She tells him she thinks she is falling in love with him and he kisses her. “Everything’s changed”, he says to the camera. She finally asks him her last question and asks him to spend the night with her. Nothing like having to make the guy work for it, is there? They make out for a while and then get into a giant two person tub. With all the tubbing going on, I hope ABC is supplying that lad with a lot of moisturizer. Don’t want him getting dry skin.
His last date is with Melissa, and she is worried that his ill fated Dallas and no parents visit will work against her. Don’t worry, dear, your either the producer’s pick or your not. The ‘rents have nothing to do with it. They ride around on a lake in Winston Churchill’s boat, both pretending they even know who he was. They then go, you guessed it, tubbing. As they soak in a natural hot pool, she tells us that it was the most romantic date she has ever been on. Then she tells him that her favorite date with him was the Dallas date. The one without the obligatory parental visit. She tells him she hasn’t talked to her parents since. Yuppers, of course she is going to forsake the people who raised her for a man she barely knows, because he is, of course, the Last Remaining Bachelor on Earth. She goes on to tell him that if he makes her happy, her parents will love him. Especially if it doesn’t play out on ABC’s fame whore stage. To the camera, Jason says that Melissa’s parents don’t have anything to do with him falling in love with her, but eventually, the meeting will have to take place.
They travel to downtown Queenstown where they have dinner in a private room at a restaurant. Melissa blathers on about how she is close to her family and that she talks to her brother every day (yet he couldn’t drive an hour and a half to meet Jason) and that she eats dinner two or three times a week with her parents. He offers her the invitation to the Fantasy Suite and I am so proud of her that she, out of all of them, is making him work for his nooky. Then she blows it by telling him she’s in love with him. For a moment there, I had really high hopes.
Finally, we are at the Rose Ceremony. Jason has the obligatory face time with Chris Harrison and then watches videos from the girls where they all profess there love for him and flowers bloom, puppy dogs play and I puke. Jason says he is there to find the one he can spend the rest of his life with, or at least the duration of his contract with ABC. How in the world can he say goodbye to any of them as he scrunches his face in an attempt at dramatic emotion and rents his clothing.
Get ready to drink as the obligatory words of ‘amazing’, ‘connection’ and ‘falling for all three of you’ are flung about by the Bachelor. He is hurting oh so much because he has to say goodbye to one of them without being able to sleep with them again. The roses go first to Melissa and then to Molly, leaving fun loving Jillian without a friend for life. Jason pays lip service to how different their lives were and once he banged her that was really all he needed to know and all that. She is pretty classy and holds herself together pretty well. Tears do quiver just so on the end of her eyelashes and she never stops smiling, so we all know who the next Bachelorette will be. He tells her that the best friend line killed it for him and she punches him. Well, in my world she did, anyway. She enters her car and drives off into the sunset.
Jason takes a dramatic moment alone to collect himself while the other two stew in their stilettos out on the windy overlook. He comes back to them, they toast, and we have our final two. Whoopeee! Don’t they all just look sooooo happy?
And that’s all the love for tonight, folks. Stay tuned next week for the lovely Phonegrrrl and the Women Tell All. Otherwise known as the Cattiness Awards. Good times.