Public Service Announcement
Mr. Fleiss: There is a wonderful thing on the market that will help your show immensely. This astonishing item is called a Thesaurus. It would be a much more remarkable experience for your incredible audience if you helpfully supplied your bachelor with one of these mind-boggling tomes and taught him to read. Then we, the marvelous viewing public, would have a more astounding time watching your program. Just a thought. (PS. Hey, Fleiss, can you spot all the synonyms for Ďamazingí? Amazing, isnít it?)
Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here to take you on an amazing journey with the most amazing women in the entire amazing world and the most amazing bachelor that has ever walked the amazing face of this amazing earth. Amazing, isnít it? Amazingly boring, that is. Where is the extreme jealous behavior? Where are the temper tantrums? The tears? What is with all this nicey nice stuff? Where are the mean girls? I want drama and I want it now! I donít want fireside chats with Chris Harrison, I want drunken expletive ridden declarations of love for the last remaining bachelor on Earth. Frankly, I donít think that is too much to ask for. But I digress. Afterall, yíall tuned in to hear about the Bachelor, so here it is.
Warning: Contents may cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery while reading this recap.
Chris Harrison in all his preppy glory arrives at the house with the girlsí agenda for the week. There will be two one on one dates and one group date and no roses to be had on any of them. Oh, and they will all be traveling to Seattle to see Jasonís home town. Much squealing and packing ensues and by the magic of editing they arrive at the hotel where they meet the man of the hour. Jason shows them their digs and then gives Melissa the first date card thereby making poor little Naomiís head spin on its axis with the knowledge that she still hasnít gotten a one on one date with Jason. Naomi, boys donít take their friends on romantic dates. Just saying.
Melissa primps her little heart out, channeling a Slytherin, if that silver snake in her bodice means anything. Meanwhile Jason prattles on to Ty about what his amazing plans are for his amazing date with Melissa. Ty looks less than enthused. Jason begins leading the witness by asking Ty if he wants Daddy to go over and over again. Anyone knows that if you keep asking a kid something like that they are going to pitch a fit if you actually dare to do it. Jason should have kept his mouth closed about the date, but he was no doubt obeying the lead of his producers who are trying desperately to inject some life into this season. The powers that be were obviously hoping Melissa would throw some sort of hissy tantrum fit and be all pouty. Alas, it was not to be. Poor girl, she couldnít even make saying yes to Jasonís proposed evening at home sound exciting.
Oh, what is this? The other girls are showing glimmers of jealousy when they discover that Melissa might be meeting Ty! Here we go, let those emotions out. Come on, you can do it. But no. They whine a little, but nothing that exciting. Well, Jillian does seem on the verge of a mini meltdown, but even that blows over.
Meanwhile, at the Bachelor pad, Melissa arrives and lets herself in. And immediately begins straightening up. Ohhh, suuuure, the first thing I would do upon arriving at a dateís house is clean up. If that doesnít reek of producer prompting, I donít know what does. Meanwhile, we are treated to too cutesy images of Jason and Ty reading stories and cuddling in bed while Melissa drinks wine.
Finally Ty is asleep or otherwise occupied and Melissa and Jason get to cuddling on the porch. Melissa has by now changed into some comfy clothes and looks pretty much at home sitting next to Jason as she stirs a sundae without actually eating any of it. They discuss what would happen if he went to her hometown and she says it would be a big deal as she is not someone who normally brings home guys to meet the family. She claims that there is a big screen in view from her apartment balcony and she likes to sit there and watch the sports games. Jason is practically drooling at this news. He slobbers kisses over her for a while and then happily, the whole sweetfest is over.
The second date card arrives and Naomi finally gets her hearts desire when the card invites Stephanie, Molly and Jillian out on a date with Jason. Love is on the air, the card reads. First they all troupe aboard a sight seeing ship for a tour around the harbor with Jason pointing out the Sleepless in Seattle house to the girls. Ok, ABC, we get the correlation between the movie and the show, now stop it. Instead, make better use of your time by sending the PA out for a thesaurus. They foursome leave the ferry on route to a super secret radio station studio where Jason has an Ďinterviewí with the hosts who conveniently have been married a long time. Heís hoping they will give him some guidance on who to pick for his future wife. Oh, I am sure they will be very helpful considering the fact they have know the girls even less time than he has. They question him about who the best kisser is and he says Molly and then they have a blindfolded kissing contest to see if Jason is able to tell which girl is which by her lips. Luckily for him he was able to do so. They all tell him what they think his best quality is and I wonder to myself if this drivel actually had any real on air time aside from ABCís fantasy world. Finally, Jason takes them back to the hotel for dinner. They eat, they laugh, Jason pulls them away for private time. The only things worth noting are the fact that Jason never seems to ask Stephanie about what would happen if he went to her home town (he did ask everyone else, including the doorman) and the fact that Jillian has an extreme case of Łberjealousy.
The next day Naomi finally gets her one on one date. Itís pretty cool as Jason Ďarrangedí for them to have a tour of the city by sea plane. They fly about holding hands and seeing rainbows and kittens and such.
Meanwhile, Stephanie is talking to Sophia on the speaker phone. Itís just so precious and little Sophia tells about the heart on her cheek and Momma tells her itís perfect because she is such a sweetheart and finally, it dawns on me: Stephanie is a Stepford wife. I am sure of it. Everything is just too perfect, with the one exception of the white roadkill bunny fur vest thing she wore on the harbor tour with Jason. Seriously, what was that thing? It looked liked it had bleached out tire tracks all over it.
Naomi and Jason are off to indoor rock climb and fool around. Not the good kind of fooling around, but more the little sister big brother fooling around as Naomi stuffs ice down Jasoní shirt and they awkwardly kiss. They continue their date with fondue around the fire and attempt Ďno, seriously, we really are into each otherí conversation about what Jason is looking for and Naomiís motherís midlife crisis. Itís all rather strained, I find, at least on Jasonís part.
The next day Jason arrives at the girlís suite claiming he couldnít sleep (in Seattle? Imagine that!) He takes Jillian out for coffee to talk with her and she begins telling how she always had to be strong but now sheís falling for him and soon the tears begin to quiver just so at the end of her eyelashes as she confesses sheís been neglecting herself for the sake of the girls. Oh, nominate her for sainthood, someone, please! Jason reassures her and kisses her and that is that.
Apparently Jason is so torn up about the decision he has to make that Chris Harrison is giving some extra air time as Jason rehashes his dates and his impression of the women without actually really saying anything. The only reason I even mention it, is that outside of the Final Rose Ceremony, who has ever seen Chris Harrison out of the mansion?! The most exciting thing all episode.
Finally, we are at the Rose Ceremony. Stephanie for some reason is where a dress worthy of the Oscars with a hairstyle that does nothing but pile more on top of the already considerable years she has. Some minor attempt at living up to being the Most. Dramatic. Rose. Ceremony. In. The. History. Of. Rose. Ceremonies. is made when Jason pulls Naomi aside for what I consider a rather pointless conversation. Itís almost as if the producers knew that not even editing could save this episode and they were trying anything and everything they could think of to inject some life into it.
Finally, Jason hands out his roses to Jillian, Melissa, Molly and Naomi. Stephanie will not be taking Jason home to her sweet Sophia, but she hopes her story reaches other people. I am thinking she is angling for a Lifetime Movie of the Week in her future. She walks out with Jason as he laments the lack of a spark between them. Stephanie says some practiced phrases and gets into the limo. We are not treated to any tears from the perfect one, but instead get a muse about how sheíll get to see her dear dead husband in heaven one day. Niice.
Well folks, the few of you who are still awake anyway, that is all. Next week are the home town dates and Melissaís parents are apparently eschewing famewhoredom and not playing nice with Fleiss by refusing to meet Jason. I like them. Youíll have the marvelous Phonegrrrl back to take you through all the tribulations!
Want to sign my petition to ban the word Ďamazingí from the Bachelor? Pm meÖ.