Mixing Old Fashioneds
The Bachelor 1/26 Recap: Dancing Fools
Well, the pack has certainly dwindled quickly on this season of The Bachelor. Captain Bland, Jason, has only nine ladies to make out with to find that wife he’s looking for, and there’s no time like the present to get the kissing started. If the market weren’t so unstable right now, I’d invest in Kleenex and lip balm stocks—from the looks of tonight’s show, plenty of both were used.
PhoneGrrrl vs. ABC, et al.
On the morning after the last rose ceremony, Chris Harrison shows up at the girls’ mansion to set the stage for the next round. He says there are going to be three rose dates: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-on, where there will be only one girl coming back to the house. There’s a bit of a catch, however: to get the one-on-one date, the girls are going to have to compete in a song-writing contest. They have thirty minutes to compose a little song about Jason and then they’ll perform the songs for Jason. Whatever song he likes best (or whomever he thinks is more a sure thing) will get the one-on-one date.
The ladies have mixed reactions concerning this challenge. Molly decides she’s going to write a funny song, Stephanie tries singing and a little part of my soul dies, Shannon decides to do a rap because that’s what Jason did for Deanna, and Lauren is convinced she is going to write a professional song, because she knows how songs are written. Nikki, however, has an entirely different reaction. She is in full-on freak out mode; she cries, says she’s scared, and there is no way in the world she can be as silly as the other girls. Nikki, you must understand, is a very, very serious girl. She’d rather jump out of a plane or have a tarantula on her arm than sing in public.
Soon enough, Chris and Jason get the ladies assembled for their performances, all of which gave rise to my cause of action against ABC. I am pretty sure I have permanent ear damage and emotional distress. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to sleep again, without hearing these caterwauling chicks. Molly sang about chicken nuggets, Shannon did a lame rap, Melissa seriously can’t sing, and Stephanie made my ears bleed. Finally, Nikki performs; she wrote a song that isn’t about Jason but what she’d sing to her child. She actually does fairly well, but Jason notes that she needs to relax. After all is said and done, the McDonald’s song wins and Jason picks Molly for the one-on-one date.
Camping out, making out, and other sundries.
The date card arrives for Molly and it invites her to stay home at Jason’s place. Jason wants to go low-key and more him, less helicopters. Molly is pee-her-pants nervous, especially with there being a rose on the line. The remaining girls sit around and sigh sadly at the thought of Molly and Jason making out in his house. They eat some sandwiches on the floor of his living room. She tells Jason she’s ready to share her life with someone now, kids and marriage down the line. Jason asks about the divorce and the kid, and she handles it well.
At the ladies’ house, a date card arrives. It names the group date people—everyone but Stephanie and Nikki—and asks them if they want to play doctor. Nikki starts freaking out about being on the two-on-one, and thinks she’ll go home because Stephanie has the advantage of already being a mother.
Back with Molly and Jason, she changes into some of his comfy clothes and they head to a tent in the backyard. They eat some more food—which is the most food I’ve seen on any season of The Bachelor—and talk some more about commitment and getting to know each other and he gives her the rose. After the rose thing is done, Jason invites Molly into the tent and zips it shut. Back at the house, Shannon decides to wait up for Molly, but she’s too busy making out (or something) with Jason in the closed-up tent. In the morning, Jason brings Molly back to the house, thanks her for coming, and she has no regrets about what happened. Hmmm, that sounds suspicious, doesn’t it, my fair readers? Molly, dressed in Jason’s clothes, admits she’s the first girl in Bachelor history to take the walk of shame. She tells the girls that she didn’t get much sleep, and goes off to take a nap. The other girls aren’t too happy that she came back in his clothes, smelling like him, and yet he has a group date to tend to that very day.
Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
So it’s time for the big group date. Naomi, Jillian, Melissa, Megan, Lauren, and Shannon all meet up with Jason in the limo and head out to “play doctor.” They end up at the General Hospital soundstage; some of the girls are super-excited about it, but I don’t really care, since I have a job and some semblance of a life (reality television aside). The ladies and Jason wander through the soundstage and come across a scene being played out by a couple of actors on the show. If you watch GH, you’d know them, but I don’t and all I know is their names are Kirsten and Bradford. They are there to help Jason and his lovelies get into character, makeup, and whatever else to do their scenes. Jason admits he’s the worst actor in the world; I don’t know if that’s true, given the performance he’s put up on this show.
Jason and the women have a series of scenes they actually will film (well, I don’t really know if there’s tape in the cameras, but I’m assuming so) some scenes. Kirsten asks for a volunteer to kiss Jason and super-stalker Shannon jumps at the opportunity. They’re admonished not to use tongue, but they go at it full-force. Shannon is just glad to have finally gotten to kiss Jason, but the pangs of jealousy in Melissa start coming out.
Apparently Jason’s “character” is some kind of man-whore, because his scenes involve making out with the “maid” played by Naomi, getting caught by his “wife” Lauren, and proposing to some kind of Rachel Zoe-styled slut played by Jillian. Actually, the Naomi/Jason caught kissing goes on for a long time because everyone breaks the scene, especially Lauren on her entrance. This bothers Melissa to no end. Molly also plays some negligee-clad woman who makes out with Jason. She really goes for the gold kissing him and Melissa further freaks out.
Back at the house, Stephanie and Nikki ponder their two-on-one date with Molly. Stephanie is excited, but Nikki is, yet again, traumatized. She tells Stephanie that she’s only had one, eleven-year-long relationship and she hasn’t even told Jason about it. She privately says that she wants to be a mom sooooo bad it hurts and she’s an emotional wreck. I think Nikki could do with some therapy; she seems like a nice girl but maybe a bit to fragile for this show.
After the filming is done, Jason takes the girls to a rooftop restaurant for a wrap party. He thinks it’s going to be a fun, light evening, but, hoo-boy, is he wrong. Everyone is a stressed out headspace, especially Naomi, who won’t even sit with the group. Jason, ever the clever bastard that he is, notices Naomi sitting so far away and goes off to talk to her. Naomi is bummed because she sees him making connections (drink!) with other people. Jason reassures her that he has a connection (drink again!) with her, and, no matter what he’ll always want the best for her and will want her as a part of his life for a long time. Meanwhile, Melissa has yet an even tougher time and Shannon is freaking out. I’m tellin’ ya, emotions were really high.
Jason then takes Megan off for some one-on-one time. She tells Jason that everyone is freaking out but she doesn’t think the process is that hard, but beautiful and perfect. However, her cool façade doesn’t garner her a kiss from Jason; she privately interviews that she wants to scream at him that she’s perfect for him, but admits that would be straight-up crazy. Gotta give it to Megan, she’s right about that.
Lauren then gets some private time with Jason and demands that he give her the rose tonight, lest she be really pissed off at him. She kind of back-pedals and say she doesn’t want to force him to give her the rose, but only give it to her if he wants to. But you can tell she’s really just being demanding.
It’s emotional-wreck Melissa’s turn with Jason and they talk about having a connection (drink!) because they both feel it. She starts crying because her reaction to him today proved that she really cares about him more than she expected to. He tells her to not be scared. Good god, who writes this stuff?
Stalker Shannon goes in for some time with Jason; she says she’s been frozen and put up a wall around herself, but she’s developed feelings. She cries to him that he can’t let her go because they have a connection (I’m getting drunk now!). She’s not going to let him let her go. Well, we’ll see about that restraining order somewhere down the line, won’t we? Jason privately admits that he likes Shannon but has no deep feelings for her. Jason kind of kisses Shannon but backs off because she’s got napkin bits all over her face from wiping away tears and snot. Yeah, that’s probably the most sensible thing I’ve seen him do all season. Snot or no, Shannon feels rejected.
Back at the house, Nikki and Stephanie get their date card and are invited to dance the night away with Jason. Stephanie is excited about the date, but Nikki is not. The two-on-one with one rose is a lot of pressure for fragile Nikki.
Finally the group date draws to a close with Jason handing out the date rose to Naomi and thanks her for being herself. Lauren is indeed pissed; she says that if crying in the bathroom every 45 seconds is what Jason wants, then so be it. Molly echoes that sentiment, noting she would not want a pity rose.
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.
On the day of the two-on-one date, two designer gowns arrive at the ladies’ house for Nikki and Stephanie. They get all dolled up and the other girls debate who will go home. It’s a pretty evenly divided challenge: Stephanie has a kid and is a great mother, but even she admitted there wasn’t a whole lot of romance on their one-on-one date. Nikki has the looks that Jason likes but she’s very reserved. Jason says pretty much the same thing, so I think the script writers are lying down on the job.
The date turns out to be private waltz lessons and a fancy dinner. Jason isn’t that great at dancing, Nikki is worse, but in true southern belle style, of course Stephanie can dance and has even taught ballet to kids. After the lady giving the lessons leaves, Stephanie and Nikki take turns cutting in on each other. Nikki insists on getting the last dance, which is probably the boldest move she’s made. Back at the house, the girls are still wondering who is going home. Megan voices what I’m thinking and postulates that both may get chucked.
After the dancing is over, the trio sits down for dinner. He asks them both if they’d move to Seattle. Stephanie says that she’ll move wherever the man she loves is and Nikki says she has nothing really keeping her where she lives. Jason has some private time with Nikki and she tells him, finally, of her eleven-year-long relationship that ended abruptly one Friday morning. She hasn’t done any serious dating in the year since that ended. Jason looks a bit thrown by this revelation. He then takes Stephanie aside and she thanks him for the opportunity to get to know him; she really wants to kiss him but doesn’t.
Finally it is time for the date rose. He says that both women are two of the most amazing (drink some more!) people. Stephanie has a heart of gold and he is lucky to have met her. Nikki is a sweet girl and must be adored by everyone she ever meets. He then gives the rose to Stephanie, who is happy but casts a look of sadness to Nikki. Stephanie clearly is a classy lady and does not gloat but looks rather uncomfortable. Jason walks Nikki to the waiting limo, tells her she is a great person and whoever gets her will be lucky. You all know the drill—it’s the same thing we hear every season. In the limo, Nikki is in a state of shock. She doesn’t know how to react; she tries to be the smartest and prettiest she can be and is disappointed that she isn’t enough. Nikki kind of makes me a bit sad.
Back at the house, a hooded man—not unlike the guillotine operator—comes in to remove Nikki’s bags. The girls are shocked and yet not shocked. Meanwhile, Stephanie gets the real last waltz and, with the glitter makeup shining on her cheeks, finally gets to kissing Jason. The dude is a total make-out slut. He’s rivaling Bob at this point.
Hey, it really IS a dramatic rose ceremony!
The rose ceremony cocktail party has taken a turn for the maudlin. Everyone thinks they have a connection with Jason and the one-on-one time ensues. Jillian is bummed because this is the first rose ceremony she’s gone into without already having her flower. She talks to him for a while and tells him that she can separate her time with him as one thing and his time with the other girls as another. Melissa and Jason chat a while, and she tells him she notices the little things about him, like his freckle and a hole in one of his ears. When Molly talks to Jason, she says that she badly wants to stay and get to know him better. They do a bit of awkward waltzing. Lauren talks to Jason and gives him more crap about not giving her the rose on the group date; he pretty much flat-out tells her that he didn’t take too kindly to her demanding he give it to her. She’s deluded and thinks the conversation went well and she’s the one.
Chris Harrison comes in to save me from this unholy mess of emotions. There are three women who already have roses, and there are three more to give out. He gives the first to Melissa and the second to Jillian. He picks up the third rose and then stops. He can’t go on! He doesn’t want to lead anyone on anymore! He’s soooo sorry!
So, that means Megan, Lauren, and Shannon all get the boot. He says Megan is amazing (drink!), Lauren is honest and real, and Shannon is a beautiful person. He says he can’t see a “forever” with these girls, so you know all the others with roses are like, “Hey, he sees a “forever” with me! Yay!”
Departing, Shannon says that she watched The Bachelorette and really thought Jason was the perfect man for her and they’d have a connection. (Bottle’s empty!) She’s going to go home and use her electric toothbrush and French kiss her dog. Megan is shocked, convinced she’d get the last rose, and is just confused and sad.
Well that does it for this week’s Bachelor installment. Check back next week when Iguanachocolate takes back the reigns.
Re: The Bachelor 1/26 Recap: Dancing Fools
I wish you were joking about her french kissing her dog, but I heard it too....
Carly Time flies by in photographs, and paper scraps and songs... Read mine...
Re: The Bachelor 1/26 Recap: Dancing Fools
Too sad and funny at the same time! Thank you for great recap!!
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