Hello dear readers, tis I, Iguanachocolate, here to guide you through the mad cap world of desperate women vying for the attention of the last single guy on Earth. Or something like that. Apparently, there is such a shortage of eligible bachelors out there that women are forced to make absolute fools of themselves on television. Who knew? Anyway, stuff went on last week that involved girls and dates and cat fights and blimps. I’m not going to recap is here since the picturesque Phonegrrrl has a perfectly good recap here. So, instead, I invite you to grab a bottle of your favorite intoxicant and some snacks and join me for another episode of the best whine and cheese fest on television.
We join the women in the mansion as the ubiquitous Chris Harrison earns his keep by bringing the first date card of the night. He tells the women that they will again have one group date and two individual dates. And once again. Some women will be left out in the cold. The first date goes to Stephanie. Probably worried she’ll succumb to old age soon.
Stephanie is thrilled to get the first one on one date with Jason this week. Megan says that she really thought she would get it and wah wah wah, she left her son and wah wah wah all she is doing is hanging out with the girls and wah wah wah she might be going home. Stephanie gets herself all ready for the date and I must say, she is, err, colorful. I’m no fashionista, but I don’t think she is colorful in a good way. But that is just me. She tries to call her daughter Sophia from the limo to wish her happy birthday, but the little girl doesn’t answer. Let’s all drink to Mr. Foreshadowing, shall we?
Stephanie arrives at the beach to meet Jason and walks down to the water holding his hand and then doing a cart wheel. Jason feeds her mother ego by telling her that he knows she has given up a lot to be here. She tells him for the fifteenth hundred time that it is Sophia’s birthday and in the middle of that soliloquy Child Exploitation V. 2.0 begins as the little girl races up the beach to see her mommy. Ok, I do have to admit it is rather cute when Stephanie falls to the ground (I am glad to see she didn’t break anything – we have to be careful of our senior citizens, Fleiss!) as Sophia tackles her. Jason makes like he planned the whole day for them as if the producers had nothing to do with it and they head off to Legoland and birthday cake. Stephanie creeps me out by telling us how Jason reminds her of her late husband and Jason thinks Ty and Sophia would be cute together. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It. Fleiss. We don’t need any kiddie rose ceremonies now or a reality show called Son of a Bachelor in the year 2029.
Anywho, Stephanie waxes poetic about how nice it would be to be a family and how she knows she wouldn’t take the place of Ty’s mom and perpetuates the Southern stereotype by telling Jason how she just loves to be the little woman and take care of her man. Jason presents Stephanie with a Lego rose and telling her he had an amazing day. Everyone drink! Stephanie is ready to build a family with lover boy.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the group date card arrives and Naomi reads the names of the girls going: Shannon, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica, and Megan. This of course sends Molly into a panic about whether or not Jason wants to keep her.
Jason takes the women to a loft where they will get plastered and paint their breasts. Now, now, get your heads out of the gutter! They will be having plaster casts made up of their torsos and will paint them to be auctioned off for a breast cancer charity. Jason goes first as Melissa and Erica eagerly oil him down so the cast won’t stick. Afterwards, the girls go behind a screen to get theirs done and Jason asks if he can help. Shannon says she is grateful for the ‘intimate moment’ and then saying it felt good to have him touch her all over. I’m thinking Shannon is a bit disturbed. Make that really disturbed. Do they even screen these women anymore? After they get ‘busted’ they all settle in to begin to paint the casts. Kari is going to paint a heart on hers for her stepsister who has breast cancer, while Megan plans to paint a fetus on hers, claiming that ‘some girls are as shallow as the kiddie pool and they don’t even understand half (her) depth”. Well, Megan, I may not understand half your depth, but I understand that you are disturbed as well and perhaps you don’t really understand what breast cancer is. Sheesh. I just want ten minutes with the casting director. Just ten. Alone.
Jason gets around to handing out the date rose, claiming he wants to give it to the woman who reveals something to him that she hasn’t revealed before. It seems he is getting as bored with these women as I am. Anyway, Megan says she had a breast reduction at age 17 – are you allowed to have a breast reduction and still be on reality tv? Megan says she lives to serve others and - I love this part - “that a whole week without having someone thank me or praise me or thank God that I'm in their life has been driving me crazy”. Well, Megan, you drove me crazy by saying something like that. What a grand show of altruism (/sarcasm). Shannon mopes to Naomi that she didn’t get any one on one time with Jason while Jillian jumps on the bed with him. Err, minds out of the gutter, she jumps on the bed with him, not in the bed with him. Yet. She gets the date rose from Jason.
Back at the ranch, the final date card arrives and the winner is – Natalie! She is instructed to ‘wear your best and I’ll do the rest’. The rest means the yearly draping of the jewels on some lucky girl date. She gets about a million dollars worth of diamonds draped on her and then they are off in a private jet to Vegas, baby! After Natalie sees the wedding chapels she wants to elope with Jason right then and there. Of course, then when Jason asks her to tell him something about herself that he doesn’t know, she tells him she likes bears. No particular type of bear, just bears. I like crickets. Especially the crickets you hear as Jason tries to digest that bit of info. They get a private concert by Kate Vogel and Natalie wants him to kiss her but Jason isn’t feeling it. They sit down and he takes the rose and tells her it was one of the best dates he’s ever been on and that it could have been even better if she wasn’t there. I may be paraphrasing the last bit, but you get the gist. He’s just not feelin’ her, dawg. She doesn’t get the rose and she begins to seethe. She wants to know why he led her on by holding the rose so long, and why doesn’t he think it will work out. Jason hems and haws and steers her towards the big burly man who adds to her injury by removing the diamonds from her. As Jason walks her towards the limo, she drops a little bombshell about the mean girls in the house. Then she fumes all the way home and tells us that the only person who can’t feel a connection with her is God. And Jason, apparently.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are talking. Ok, I am being generous here. It is not so much talking as it is caterwauling. Megan says that the night will let them in on what Jason is really looking for. Some declare that if Jason gives her a rose, then he is not the man for them. Nikki is ‘ecstatic’ to see Natalie’s bags being taken away and Megan is relieved that Jason showed good judgment. Lauren hates that some of the girls applauded when they learned Natalie was sent home.
Jason is mulling over Natalie’s mean girl comment and so he plans on getting to the bottom of it by talking to the girls in the house. He approaches Naomi first who refuses to name names and wants to talk about something other than the girls. They kiss and she gets called out about it but denies it. The girls notice she goes to put on more lip gloss, though. Nikki wants to show Jason her fun side so she tells him about her organizational skills. Whoa, baby, too much fun for me! They kiss as well. Erica catches Jason checking out her breasts, which he denies claiming he was seeing what color her dress was. Yeah, right. Jason asks Molly about the mean girls, but doesn’t name names, though she does stir the pot by telling the rest of the girls about him asking. Shannon cries during her one on one time and says she is worried about not making a connection with Jason, but she is so ready to be a mother. Jason looks a bit taken aback. Personally, I’d be running from the scary stalker girl. But that’s just me and I am not under a Fleiss contract (nor will I ever be). Stephanie makes Jason close his eyes so she can kiss his cheeks and forehead to thank him for the memory he made with her and Sophia. They kiss briefly on the lips.
But it is Lauren who decides to take the bait and name names for Jason in the Great Mean Girl Search 2009. Lauren says that Megan and Erica are the drama queens of the house and that Megan scares her, telling Jason if ‘she’s your type, your not my type’. Megan eavesdrops and hears their conversation. When Lauren goes back to the group, Megan says ‘she would lose respect for anyone who went and tattled to Jason. Like, really, are you 5?’
Finally, Chris Harrison makes his appearance and the 1001st Most. Dramatic. Rose. Ceremony. Ever. can begin. But, what is this? Is Mr. Harrison going to be a little naughty and stir the pot a bit by asking the girls to tell Jason the dirt. Erica says she is shocked, just shocked that they don’t all get along. I rinse the bile out of my mouth from that little performance just in time to hear Megan complain for the 30th time that everyone is picking on her and to see Shannon run from the room so she can throw up. To the camera Megan says Shannon is a ‘selfish, self-absorbed %&*^@. Gosh, Megan, I don’t know why you think people would be talking trash about you – you are such a lady and so considerate of others.
Finally, Jason gives roses to Molly, Lauren, Melissa, Naomi, Shannon, Nikki and Megan, leaving Kari and Erica to take the long limo ride home. Who is Kari anyway? Erica, of course, blames Megan for her departure. I’m sure it had nothing to do with your bad acting when you were ‘shocked’, dear.
And that’s it form the Mansion, folks. Stay tuned for next time when more tears, more drama and of course the Most. Dramatic. Rose. Ceremony. Ever. happens. Next week you are back with Phonegrrrl as I am headed back to the chef's table...