Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to the second installment of “The Search for Ty’s New Mommy” or, as I like to call it, “Witless from Seattle” (complete with drinking game!). After enduring seven whole minutes of what happened last week—seriously, just make the episodes one hour, ABC—we finally get down to new material and see Jason packing Ty off to his mom’s house on the morning after the first cocktail party. That’s right, my boy—daddy’s about to get lucky with 15 amazing (drink!) women and you’re too young to see that. He’s only too young of, course, until someone gives him the DVDs when he’s thirteen and he moves out, changes his name to Althea, and lives under a bridge in Guam. Or at least, that’s what I’d be doing.
Fun with water sports.
Chris Harrison is on the scene and introduces the fifteen lovelies who made it through the first night of drunken excess to the Bachelor mansion. They run in and squeal like those loons on ANTM at the sight of their spacious abode. Perhaps they have already imbibed upon some mimosas or were producer-inspired to get all giddy over a house we’ve seen through several seasons. After all that excitement, Chris sits them down in the living room and breaks the situation down: there is going to be a group date and some one-on-one dates. On each date there’ll be a rose, and, if it’s a one-on-one, not getting the rose means not coming back. And, as a new twist, there will be some girls who get no.date.at.ALL! (Cue cymbals crash!)
For some reason *cough*Fleiss*cough* Jason decides to amble down to the house’s poolside, where all the gals are lounging. He says he just wants to hang out, all casual-like, but I think he’s there to check out how much female attention he can get out of them. After he rolls in, he boldly announces, “One of you guys is going to be my wife!” Clearly he skipped bio class a lot.
He first talks to Megan to see if she is okay after being dissed by the ladies the night before. He reassures her that he would have given her a rose anyway. Then it’s time for the soft-core porn music to play as he gets in the pool and ever so slowly removes his shirt. The dude has a set of man boobs on him. Yeah, yeah, some will say they are pecs, but I’m going with man boobs because I’m just not that impressed. All the ladies gush excessively and I go for the wine, even if there’s no buzz word at play.
Jason and Jillian spend a few moments feeding each other some kind of tortilla roll things while once again talking about hotdog toppings. He thinks she’s the life of the party and she says she’s not looking for the perfect recipe for love, but for a connection. (Everyone drink!) Poolside, Shannon rubs suntan lotion on Jason’s back and the porn music returns. She says she’s ready to be a mother because everyone she knows either has kids or is knocked up. Clearly the girl is baby-crazy and, were I Jason, I’d be running for the hills; however, he is not I and thinks she’s “amazing.” (Drink again!)
Meanwhile, a letter and rose arrive; the letter bears the name “Jason” and instructs him to give the rose to whomever he wants to have a romantic dinner with. The arrival of the rose interrupts his alone time with Nikki, and she’s not thrilled. Jason puts the rose aside, but clearly the pressure is on.
Jason and Lauren go into the house for a private chat, which seems to go well until the girls outside begin to shout at them. Naomi takes him aside to talk with him about his charity work and conveniently drops in that she has spent time working with orphans. Well, for a month…she’s no Mother Theresa, but then, Mother Theresa wouldn’t go on this show. While Naomi and Jason talk, Shannon goes all Courtney Love crashing the Madonna/Curt Loder interview, and starts chucking ice up to the balcony where they are. I guess her compact was in her room.
Jason comes down to the pool and starts a conversation with Natalie. They’re talking, but Stephanie wants to make a move to get some time with him. The ladies suggest that she make a couple of drinks—one for her and one for him—and interrupt. Stephanie does that, but is ignored while she stands there, trying to interrupt the Natalie-Jason convo. I know I make fun of Stephanie for her crazy eyebrows and her botoxed forehead, but I kind of feel bad for her. She is disappointed and feels the awkwardness and just retreats to drink both beverages.
What is worse comes next—Jason leaves his conversation with Natalie, grabs the date rose, and gives it to…Jillian. Yeah, suck it, Natalie; the hotdog girl has won the first date. Jason and Jillian depart to get ready for their big night on the town. Natalie leaves the party to cry in the bathroom (like every self-respecting woman would do). Raquel comforts her, while Lauren is just glad she didn’t get the rose because she’d have no time at all to get her hair right.
Canadians oot and aboot.
It is no secret that I love “South Park,” probably more even than The Bachelor (which was my first…reality show). So when Jillian and Jason go out to Disney Hall to see famed Canadian actor Alan Thicke’s son, Robin, perform and she brings her ever-so-strong Canadian accent, it was like manna from the gods. She’s there in her cute little black dress and heels and Jason turns up in jeans, a white tee, and a black blazer. Okay, to the (maybe) three straight males reading this: jeans are not the fashion equivalent of heels—man up and put on proper pants to make the girl feel worth-while.
So Jason and Jillian check out the concert hall, have some drinks, and dance to the soft rock stylings of Robin Thicke. They seem to enjoy themselves, but it’s ear-murder as far as I’m concerned. There is no pressure, since she already got the rose, and they make out a while. Jillian says the date was very “intimate”, otherwise known as, “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Meanwhile, back at the house, an envelope arrives. The girls squeal again and Melissa gets invited on a date that promises to “take the relationship to new heights.”
Joining the mile high club.
The next morning, Jillian talks about her date…it was fun, cool, and there was kissing. This all makes Melissa very nervous because she thinks it will be a tough act to follow and she’s not good at dating. She was in a relationship from when she was 15 until she was 22 and it’s now been three years since her last date. That’s right, folks, she’s the ripe old age of 25. My nearly 36-year-old-self goes for the wine once again.
The date turns out to start at a rocky beach. They have some lunch, while Jason tries to figure out if she’s ready to settle down. Oh, yeah, and he feeds her an oyster covered in hot sauce that nearly makes her choke to death. Oysters are nasty. She tells him she’s been dancing since she was three but really wants to get her teaching certificate and teach first grade while spending her summers playing with her kids. Jason is surprised she’s not the typical cheerleader, as am I. Then the Goodyear Blimp comes in to the frame and he gets her to ask it questions, all Magic-8-Ball-like. She wants to know if she’s going to get a rose, but it says it is too soon to tell. She then asks if she’s going to get a kiss, and it responds that it is likely. So Jason and Melissa go all kissy-face for a bit. He then takes her for a ride in the blimp, they get close and he gives her a rose. As they look out the blimp on the night view of Los Angeles, he is overwhelmed that no one else will get to see LA from that view…other than the millions of people who watched this show. Melissa thinks the date was the best first date ever, but what 15 year old has blimp access?
Every girl’s fantasy is not out of “Pretty Woman”.
Meanwhile, back at the house, another envelope arrives. (Seriously, is ABC that cash-strapped that they can’t bring back the date boxes and have to go all Tyra on us?) Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Shannon, and Molly will go on a group date with Jason wherein they will put the “glam” back into “glamorous Hollywood”. The next day, Jason, in true down-dressing style, shows up in some seriously over-bleached jeans, a tee with a vest over it, and a blazer to take the chosen ladies dress shopping. They get the whole outfit—shoes, dress, accessories, and the gals gush like the cash is actually coming from his pocket. The jig is up, ABC; we know you’re footing the bill. After the shopping, the well-heeled ladies and the fashion-backward Jason hit the town.
They then all head to the rooftop of a boutique hotel in LA—complete with a pool—for their group date. They sit and chat a while, in a group, where Jason says he’s looking for someone who has gotten out all their pre-settling-down stuff before marriage. Erica privately expresses her jealousy at the other women; apparently her last relationship ended when her boyfriend was caught cheating with some 52-year-old. I’m left presuming the 52-year-old did not look like a bulldog in heat, unlike Erica.
With the pool so nearby, it was only expected that the eight ladies would don their respective bikinis and Jason would put on his (I only wish—those man boobs need support!) and a pool party would commence. He asks them to show their talents; he allegedly can break-dance, but from the spectacle he put on, it was more like bad pop & locking. Kari, Molly, and Shannon do some “synchronized swimming” but then Molly steals him away to show him her special talent—kissing. And that’s when the cheese meter rings the bell at the top of the poll.
Nikki is none-to-pleased with all this kissing. She had a serious boyfriend from ages 17 to 28 (she’s 29 now) and thinks kissing is serious business. She gets some alone time with Jason and tells him that not all the girls there are as ready to be a mother as they’d like him to believe. Naomi also makes a move for alone-time and tells him she will always be there for him as a friend. Nevertheless, there’s a rose to be given out on this date and Jason chooses “special talent of kissing” Molly for that honor.
The date is over and they head back to the house. As Jason says good-bye to the ladies in the house, Raquel stashes herself in his limo to get some time with him. She tells him she really wants to stay in the house as long as he’ll have her. She then goes on about how she wants someone to love who will love her to the death, meaning that if she dies, the guy can’t ever remarry, due to his devastation. That could be romantic or creepy; I’m going with creepy.
Drama, death stories, and ‘kthaxby.
Thank god, it is time for the elimination cocktail party. I think ABC is trying to kill me with these two-hour episodes. Jason arrives (not in jeans, thankfully); he talks with Erica who tells him that she’s kind of pissed that she didn’t get private time with him while on the group date. He talks with Lauren and learns that she’s not thrilled with the lack of attention she’s been getting. During some private time spent with Shannon, Jason learns that she has even more stalkerish details on him, which he finds both flattering and uncomfortable.
While all this is going down, Megan asks Stephanie about her “ex” husband. Stephanie then goes into the story of her husband’s death in a plane crash and all the ladies in attendance get weepy. She says she’s moving past it and wants to focus on Jason. When she and he spend private time alone, they talk about her daughter, whose birthday is the next day.
In another private-time moment, Lisa (who?) tells Jason that she thinks he’s a great guy but her grandmother has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so she’s going to be leaving. He supports her, tells everyone that she’s leaving because of family issue, and walks her out to the limo. Shannon and Lauren, ever the opportunists, think Lisa’s departure helps their odds so they don’t care. Megan, meanwhile, still wants three people to get the boot, since it’s all about Jason picking someone he wants to be with.
Megan does get some alone-time with Jason where they talk about being more than just parents. She, apparently, is quite driven in her coaching but knows how to relax. Before they get too far into their conversation, Molly interrupts and steals Jason away. Megan is seriously pissed about this, as Molly already has a rose. She goes back into the house to vent, where the ladies, including Erica, agree. Then, in the kitchen, Erica tells Molly that she was totally right for stealing Jason away. The problem is that Megan was just around the corner and heard the whole conversation. Megan calls Erica out on this duplicity and they fight a while, during which all the other women look on uncomfortably. Erica comes off as the crazier one, in my estimation, probably because she looks like a puffer fish when she gets mad.
During the drama, Nikki and Jason have more private time where she reiterates that she doesn’t think that all of the women are there are telling the truth. Jason says she has amazing qualities (drink again!) while the camera pans to her cleavage. ABC is stock full of pervs, isn’t it? Then everyone goes back in the living room, Chris Harrison announces it’s time for the rose ceremony; it is clear that there is tension in the air.
Chris takes Jason to the deliberation room, where Jason opines that Stephanie is amazing, notes Lauren’s uneasiness, finds he has a lot in common with Nikki, thinks Shannon is fun but kind of weird, concludes Raquel is full of surprises, and believes Megan is struggling but finding a way to open up. He then stares pensively at the photographs and says, like every Bachelor before him, that he though it would be easy but it is not because each one of the women has amazing qualities. (Oy, my liver! Drink again!)
After deliberation, he thanks all of the ladies again, says he had a great week, and concludes that the night brought really tough decisions. He gives roses to: Megan, Nikki, Lauren, Naomi, Stephanie, Kari (who needs a brush and/or a mirror), Natalie, Shannon, and Erica. She chides him for calling her out last again, but I really think she only got the rose because she looked so pissed that she was going to deck him. And, as a betting woman, I’d think Erica could take Jason in a fight any day of the week.
Sent home are Sharon, who quit her job and left her family for the chance with Jason, and Raquel, who thought she might have been too aggressive. Meanwhile, back in the house, Jason toasts to the remaining twelve by saying he’s obviously the luckiest guy in the world to be there with twelve amazing women. (Final drink!)
And that, Bachelor fans, is how it played out this week. Next week, I’m heading back to Bravo for a time with some cookery and iguanachocolate will be here to fill you in on all the porn music cues, possible Deanna sightings, and what crazy antics these fools for love can get themselves into.