Can you believe this season is already down to the four hometown visits? Where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday we were entertained by inebriated bachelorettes, gnarly catfights, and scads of ladies parading around in bikinis. During tonight’s show, if Matt follows the previous bachelors' footsteps, he will win over naïve, idealistic parents within a short period of time, and completely sell the families on the idea of their daughter becoming engaged to a man she’s known for only four-six weeks. By the way, Chris Harrison promises this season will end with Matt proposing "to the love of his life," which in turn will bring on the Most. Romantic. Season. Finale. Ever. Gee, I wonder how Trista feels about that declaration. I can hear her now, “what about meeeeeeee?” By the way, once again ABC hasn't posted pictures from this episode on their website. Is it that difficult to find someone reliable? Damn you, ABC! *shakes fist*
The Shayne Ho Show, Part I
Since Shayne’s parents are divorced, Matt will be meeting her mother and father separately, essentially guaranteeing her twice the airtime as the other bachelorettes. Woo hoo, I didn’t see that coming. [/end sarcasm] Matt is nervous about meeting them and Shayne worries that Matt is still skeptical about her since she is an actress, thinking she might simply be on the show for the exposure. I say if he’s a smart man, he should be skeptical - but essentially that should hold true for anyone who signs up for these shows - be it the women or the men.
Matt and Shayne meet up at a restaurant and her opening line is, “please join me for some cheese,” which absolutely cracks me up because that’s how I approach every episode of The Bachelor. Let’s face it, the cheese factor cannot be overlooked when viewing this mess, heh. With drinks in hand, they sit down and Shayne begins narrating a little yarn to “lighten the mood” about the only other boyfriend she has introduced to her father. Dad asked the fellow where they had met, and he answered, “in a club.” She’s aghast and wonders why in the world would he have told her father that. I know, can you believe it? Isn’t that the most entertaining anecdote you’ve ever heard! So, are we to believe she had at least a week to contemplate their interaction and this is what she came up with? *rolleyes* By the way, what’s the moral of her story? ‘Tis better to lie?
She then spends several minutes coaching Matt on the correct pronunciation of ‘Lamas.’ Finally 50-year-old Lorenzo enters the restaurant and I must say, hubba hubba, he’s looking mighty fine. He hugs Shayne and as he says, “you never call, you never write,” he winks at Matt. Now whether he’s winking because of what he’s saying to Shayne or winking because he’s recently switched teams, I’ll let you decide. Lorenzo tells us privately that Shayne (at 22) is his oldest daughter and that he was originally married at 21. Since the marriage didn’t work out, he wants to ensure Shayne understands how serious marriage is and hopes she won’t enter into it lightly. Matt tries to assuage Dad’s uncertainties about the situation by assuring him he’s here to find true love and says Shayne is “an incredible human being.” Matt continues by saying she’s very sincere, but Dad interrupts. Remember last week when Shayne told Matt she wanted him to meet her family so they could tell him she’s a “strong, loyal, confident and trustworthy woman”? Keeping that in mind, here is what Dad interrupts Matt to say: she’s a bit of a daredevil, and he (Dad) believes her decision to appear on The Bachelor was because as an actress, she was hoping the exposure would be a good career move. He also says she not only wants to be a good actress but wants to be a good star even more. Ouch. Well there goes the theory that her family would convince Matt she’s trustworthy, hee. Later she tells us she was furious with dear ol’ Dad and thinks it might have hurt her chances with Matt. Ya think? Then again, I suppose it depends on how badly Matt wants to live the Hollywood life, so we’ll have to wait and see. She reiterates to Matt for the thousandth time that she’s only there for him, and if she didn’t feel something for him, she would have walked away all those many
years monthsweeks ago. At some point she does seem to convince her father that her feelings are true for Matt, and he does appear to be satisfied. With both of them being actors, however, this could be a script they devised the night before for all we (or Matt) know.
Dad takes Matt aside and confesses that he wasn’t there for Shayne much during her formative years, and he warns Matt not to toy with her feelings. Matt says their connection (drink!) is strong but he ponders aloud if their relationship may be too good to be true. Before they go their separate ways, Dad and Shayne share a tender moment expressing their love for each other and they hug goodbye. Dad says he’s happy for them and hopes things work out. He leaves with the perception that what Matt and Shayne share is real, and all I can say is it better be for Matt’s sake, because I did some Googling and Dad has a black belt in Karate, Kempo, Tae Kwon Do and Jujutsu. Consider yourself warned, Skippy.
The Shayne Ho Show, Part II
It’s on to Los Angeles to meet Shayne’s mother and younger sister, Dakota, for our sincere, deeply-in-love-for-the-moment couple. As they stroll up the walkway, Matt tells us Shayne actually bought the house for her mother. Wow. Dakota runs into the arms of big sis, and I now suddenly realize why Marshana wasn’t decked out in her usual Bedazzled jewels for her final Rose Ceremony. Somehow Shayne must have stolen the Bedazzler, and given it to her sister, because Dakota is wearing a headband in hippie-style fashion which is adorned in jewels. As the sisters hug, Mom runs into Matt’s arms giving him a big hug and kiss, and it is when he releases her that we get the full effect of her to which I can only say - holy plastic surgery, Batman! It’s obvious Mom needs to find a new hobby - one that doesn’t include cosmetic surgery, ack. Matt says he’s “intrigued” by her, and I agree…if by intrigued he means horrified. I expect her to begin intoning, “my lips are courtesy of collagen, the face is by botox, and my boobs are courtesy of silicone.” So can we assume Shayne bought the house for Mom because Mom spent all her dough on plastic surgeries? One more comment and then I’ll move on - Mom, put the lip pencil down…now. Matt says he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he saw the way the house was decorated (I thought he was going to say when he saw Mom, heheh), and the camera zeroes in on an embroidered pillow emblazoned, “so many men - so few who can afford me.” Okay, I lied, one more comment and then I’ll move on. I’d say Mom can’t even afford her own lifestyle if her daughter had to pay the mortgage. The entire house is adorned in leopard prints, flowers, candles, and two little dogs - one of which is dressed in a pink tu-tu. I happen to have it on the best authority that pink tu-tu’s are passé and no self-respecting dog, male or female, would be caught dead sporting such an outfit. Leopard print on the other hand, can’t be beat…just ask my pooch, Maggie.
In private, Shayne describes her family as loving, but says they’re a little crazy, too, ha. They all sit down to dinner on the patio and as Mom serves roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, Matt is deeply touched and says the meal was “spot on.” He describes Mom as extremely warm and generous - I admit to being slightly distracted by the vision of Mom, but she does seem to be a sweet and kind woman. Shayne describes herself as a firecracker but adds that her mom, being even more intense, is “going to steal the show.” Hey, at least they’re not boring - as a viewer I appreciate the entertainment. *thumbs up* Mom invites Matt to join her inside the house and just when I think things are going to get really interesting, I realize they’re watching home movies of a much younger Shayne performing on a stage doing handstands, backflips, cartwheels…you know, all those bendy skills. As they watch the footage Mom tells Matt he’ll never meet another girl like Shayne. Matt mentions that Shayne is very serious about her career, and Mom takes that and runs with it, telling him it’s not easy living life with an actor. She questions whether he could watch Shayne kissing another man on the screen. Butterflies float around Matt’s head as he says two people just need to have faith in one another and everything will work out fine. *sigh* After he leaves the room, Mom looks right into the camera and says “they’re a beautiful couple and I hope we’ll see more of Matt.” The question is, is he hoping to see more of Mom.
Meanwhile Shayne and Dakota (who is virtually a Mini-Me of Shayne) sit in a bedroom talking about how Shayne can’t say she loves Matt yet, but she thinks she could be falling in love with him. Mini-Me tells her to have faith.
Matt says he had a brilliant (drink!) time and he wishes he didn’t have to leave. He feels he had Shayne pegged wrong before, and he’s “falling big time” for her. When they say goodbye he calls her “Monkey” (last week he called her a “snow monkey”) which I find particularly endearing for some reason.
The Durango Snow Ho
Matt begins the day hoping Chelsea will be able to open up a bit more now that she’s on her home turf (well, snow) and describes her as running hot and cold. They meet up on a park bench surrounded by several feet of snowdrifts. He says he’s excited to meet her parents and she warns him that since she lives so far away and doesn’t see them often, she gets very emotional when she does. She tells us she’d like for him to know how much she loves being with him, but says it’s hard for her to talk about such emotions. Time’s a ticking, kiddo.
Chelsea’s parents invite the couple indoors and they all sit down for lunch. Matt tries to convince them he’s ready to settle down and once again tells the story of his father having a stroke as the impetus for this new marriage quest. As Chelsea tells her mother that she could just as easily turn Matt down at the Rose Ceremony, her father offers a toast to “finding happiness.” Dad thinks Matt is charming, sincere and honest and when he and Chelsea are alone, he admits to being pleasantly surprised. Chelsea tells Dad she likes Matt a lot and can’t help wanting to get to know him better. Dad gives her the age-old advice - nothing ventured nothing gained, and warns if she cares for him, she’d better let him know. When Matt and Mom talk alone, she says she can certainly see a connection (drink!) between them. Matt confides in Mom that he “fell in love with Chelsea the first time I hung out with her.” Hm…
Within minutes, Chelsea’s time is up and she and Matt are kissing goodbye. As they kiss, he tells her he’s going to miss her and calls her “honey.” For those of you keeping score at home, we’ve now got one ‘monkey’ and one ‘honey.’
Ho-hum on the Range
It’s a short trip from Chelsea’s hometown of Durango to Noelle’s hometown of Loveland, Colorado. Noelle awaits Matt’s arrival on the back of a hay truck on her parent’s ranch. The two of them ride horses very slowly side by side until they reach a private spot. Noelle thinks they compliment each other well and they sit entwined in each other’s arms, but the conversation seems a bit stilted to me. She tells him she was nervous before he arrived, but now she’s excited for him to meet her “cool” family. They ride over to where her family is already seated at a picnic table, and everyone laughs at Matt’s amateur riding abilities. There must not have been much conversation between her mother, father, her two sisters and Matt because the next scene is Dad and Matt playing a game of horseshoes. Of course this is the perfect time for the ladies to dish about the Brit and her sisters gush over how handsome and tall he is.
Matt says Noelle has hinted that her father is quite strict, and right off the bat, Dad wants to know what kind of person goes on a show like this to find a wife. Touché, heheh. Dad feels Matt is naturally charming but says he needs to get to know Matt better. I would think so. They all sit down to dinner and Mom wants to know if he plans to continue to live in England. Matt’s carefully scripted answer is that he’s up to living anywhere - if he’s with the right person, he’s flexible - and once again he gives the schpeel about this being the right time for him to settle down. Noelle’s sisters invite Matt to join them outside - by the way, ABC incorrectly identifies one of them as Noelle’s mother, which I’m sure the sister’s not happy about. Let’s just hope this doesn’t push her to ask for the phone number of Shayne’s mom’s plastic surgeon. (Okay, that was my last comment about Shayne’s mom, heh). The sisters ask if he’s fallen in love with anyone from the show yet, and he says he can’t lie - he’s falling in love with more than one person. Sister asks if Noelle is one of those people, and he says (unconvincingly to me) yes.
Meanwhile in the house, Dad talks with Noelle and says he thinks Matt is genuine. Noelle asks her parents if she should put her heart out there and risk it being broken. Mom doesn’t offer much help by saying if Noelle feels it’s worth the risk she should do it. Noelle says she’s terrified but feels it’s probably worth it. *yawn*
As they bid their goodbyes, Matt says Noelle is amazing (drink!) and that he had a wonderful time. He tells her his only regret is that they haven’t had enough time together, but I’m not convinced I saw any real sparks between them. They kiss goodbye and she tells us she hopes it’s not too late for them.
Ho My, Talk About Faking It
Matt meets up with Amanda in Tallahassee, Florida and as they drive out to her parent’s home, she confides to us that she’s hired two actors to portray her parents as a joke because Matt loves pranks. She’s nervous about the whole idea of it, though, and hopes it goes over well. They enter the house and Fake Mom welcomes Matt by continually laughing at inappropriate times. She’s overbearing and in sharp contrast, Fake Dad is meek and glowers at Fake Mom as she flirts outrageously with Matt. The Fake Parents bicker between themselves and Matt looks extremely uncomfortable. Then to up the ante, Fake Mom caresses Matt’s chest, forcing him to utter, “you’re touching my nipple.” She snuggles up to him until Fake Dad 'catches' her in the act, then supposedly explodes in anger. Amanda finally decides it’s gone on long enough and pulls the old ‘surprise, it was a joke!’ Matt is a good sport and says Amanda was brilliant (drink!) and truly impressed him by her gutsy move. Wow. I admit to being a little squeaked out by the whole affair - perhaps it was different being in the moment as opposed to watching it? Or it could just be me, but I had to watch peeking through my fingers. *shudder* I have to say, however, I think it would have been the Greatest. Hometown. Visit. Ever. if Matt had gone along with Fake Mom and began making out with her. Boy, howdy, I’d love to have seen that!
Real Mom and Dad enter the picture and I'm surprised Matt doesn't ask to see their driver licenses or some other form of I.D., heh. There’s another young girl at the dinner table with them, but there’s no mention of who she is…a sister perhaps? Because The Prank took so much valuable time, there’s not much interaction between Matt and Real Parents; Amanda even mentions that she and Matt didn’t much alone time either. Matt says again it was a terrific prank and he’s very proud of her. All I can say is I guess Amanda knows her man. *shrugs*
Ho’s Moving On?
The four ladies have returned to the Los Angeles mansion and are lined up for the Rose Ceremony. Chris greets them, reminding everyone that one of them will be going home, and the other three will still be in the running to be Mrs. Matt Grant (I still can’t type that without laughing out loud). Matt says he was so distressed about tonight’s decision he didn’t sleep well. He thanks them for the hometown visits, then roses are passed out as follows: Shayne, Amanda and Chelsea. Poor Noelle. I’m struck with the fact that the other women don’t offer her solace as she’s left standing there, until Chris makes the suggestion. Matt walks her out, saying she’s incredible and he loved spending time with her. She admits they had a late start and she accepts blame for not opening up to him sooner. She’s gracious and sweet and can certainly be proud of giving the Classiest. Exit. Ever. Godspeed, Noelle, you deserve much better.
Matt and his remaining women toast to good times ahead on the island of Barbados for their fantasy suites. Chris promises that Shayne and Matt will "get sexy," Amanda will put her heart on the line and he hints that things might be too much for affection-phobic Chelsea. See you next week, friends. So, have you ever faked it? Let me know via a pm here.
A dozen roses go to ArmedNDangerous for the picture of Fake Mom’s hand on Matt’s chest. Thank you!