Last week on The Bachelor, Ruthless Robin went into overdrive in her Matt-Quest which infuriated the other ladies who are vying for his attention. The author-looking-for-a-publisher Holly was sent packing, but don’t worry about her - at this very moment she’s most likely completing the first draft of her newest book, Fuzzy Puppies and Kittens Make Me Smile, but You Can Take Your English Accent and Shove It Up Your Ass! Matt also gave the boot to American Idol wannabe, Ashlee, and Kelly…this season’s lush who had a far greater love connection (drink!) with booze than ABC’s main man. Six women remain so let’s get to the gooey mess that is tonight’s show. But before we do, it’s been requested ‘brilliant!’ be added to our Bachelor Dictionary. So fill your goblets with the libation of your choice and let’s watch as the nonsense unfolds.
Ho’s in Snow
Twenty-five women began this journey (drink!) but only six are left with the potential of becoming Mrs. Grant: Marshana, Robin, Noelle, Chelsea, Amanda, and Shayne. Chris Harrison informs them two more ladies will be put on the curb come trash day, but that the remaining four will be taking Matt home to meet the folks. After learning the home-town dates will be taking place next week, Marshana squishes her eyes and waves her arms around like a six-year-old hearing she’s going to Disneyland for the first time. This week there will be two one-on-one dates, and a group date but no roses will be up for grabs. Just as the ladies heave a huge sigh of relief, Chris says there is one other thing. He points out there isn’t a date box in the room and as the teeny wheels begin to spin in their heads, he tells them they’ll be joining Matt in…Sun Valley, Ida-ho! Everyone squeals in utter joy, including me because as a recapper the choice to send them to Ida-ho is like sweet nectar from The Bachelor gods, heh.
Everyone runs off to begin packing, and I can’t wait to see how many vans will be needed just to haul Shayne’s shoes to the airport. Speaking of Shayne, she’s particularly excited because she can’t wait to show Matt her excellent skiing/snow boarding skills.
Matt is already at the lodge and tells us he skis in France every year, but being well-coached by ABC’s promotion team, he assures us the Sun Valley Resort is considerably finer than France. Attaboy, Matt! The ladies spill out of the limo into the snowpack which looks deep, yet powdery and in an effort to convince Matt they’re all fun-loving, spirited women, they immediately begin tossing snowballs and laughing. Matt good-naturedly flings Noelle into a two-foot snowbank and declares it’s “brilliant!” Drink! Everyone’s having a great time but Marshana, who says, “I look fabulous in my outfit so I don’t want to get covered in snow right away,” but Matt chases her down then also tosses her into the snow. She tells us it was quite a sexy toss because she loves being close to him. *cue singing birds*
Eventually they enter the ladies’ gorgeous cabin and as Shayne bounces on a bed, she tells us she can’t wait to snuggle up to Matt because cuddling is one of her favorite things - you know, like watches, handbags, shoes, and sunglasses. They toast to the two days o’ fun they’re going to have, then Matt heads off to his own cabin to prepare for his solo date. As of yet, the ladies don’t know who he’ll be choosing, so when the box arrives, Marshana dashes to the door. She carries in a toy sleigh with a card that reads, “come experience a private winter wonderland with me” and is addressed to Chelsea. She squeals in delight and Robin looks like she’s mentally planning when and where to hide a body.
As Chelsea prepares for their date, Shayne tells the women she’s excited for her and not really jealous because she had an amazing (drink!) date with Matt and thinks it will be tough for him to top it. Noelle freely admits she is jealous because she still hasn’t had any private time with Matt and she knows it’s getting down to the wire.
Before Agent 007 Matt meets up with Chelsea he tells us he’s on a mission this week. What could his important mission be, you ask? His assignment, should he be willing to accept it, is to find out which of the remaining six ladies is best suited to be his girl - whether it’s for a lifetime, six months, four days or one hour still remains to be seen.
With coffee mugs in hand, Matt and Chelsea climb into a horse-drawn sleigh and off they go. Matt opens the conversation by asking, “who’s got the biggest ass” and it takes Chelsea a few minutes to realize he’s wondering about the horses, and not the other ladies, hee. She loves his sarcastic sense of humor but Matt wonders if they’ll be sharing more than just fun together. He specifically asks how she feels about PDA (Public Displays of Affection), and she quickly goes off on a rant about how she hates seeing it and doing it, going so far as to say she even hates holding hands with a man, although she is willing to link arms sometimes. Wow. She then tells Matt, “no sudden movements buddy,” I suppose in case he’s contemplating putting an arm around her shoulder. Matt confides to us he needs someone who’s affectionate, so I wish him good luck with this woman.
Cabin of Malcontents
Amanda rushes to answer the doorbell as the next date box is delivered with a card addressed to Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne that’s inscribed, “let’s hit the slopes.” By process of elimination, Noelle now realizes she gets the final solo date, and I’m surprised to see Marshana rush to congratulate her. Later Marshana tells us she was just happy to see that Robin didn’t get the date. Ah, now that makes more sense.
They sit down for dinner and a very serious Matt tells Chelsea he finds her sense of humor too dry and sarcastic. As she reacts, he bursts into laughter saying she’s incredibly gullible. Through with dropping subtle hints, Matt directly asks Chelsea if she can be ‘romantic,’ which I think we can all agree is just another of Matt’s coded words like ‘clarity.’ *wink wink, nudge nudge* She admits that she’s shy but says if she’s put in a romantic situation, she’ll embrace it. Now you know Fleiss is thinking what could be more romantic than dating on television? I mean there’s thousands of lit candles with dreamy instrumentals playing in the background. Hell, he’s even arranged for pillows and quilts to be scattered around the floor in front of a roaring fire. Just what more does this girl need? Matt’s still trying for some action, too, and tells her he “completely digs” her, and that his parents will love her. She finally confesses “I want to get to know you in other ways,” and I’m guessing Matt’s already far ahead of her, imagining the many ‘ways’ they could do that in order of his preference. Chelsea definitely realizes she’s got to step up her game right about now, and instead of waiting for the Fantasy Suite card next week, decides to write her own…now. She scribbles on a piece of resort stationery then hands it to Matt. He tells us he was pleasantly surprised - I’ll bet he was. They both agree they’ve had an amazing (drink!) day and now he knows she can be ‘romantic.’ Schwing!
Snow Virgins and Ho’s
Matt loves skiing and Robin and Shayne, who are snowboarding, quickly join up with him. Also included in the Group Date are Amanda and Marshana, but since neither have skied before, they’re taking things a bit slower. Robin, with a firm tone to her voice and a severe look on her face, feels this date is particularly important today because she intends to find out why Matt didn’t choose her for one of the solo dates. Yikes. Run, Matt, run! Or rather, ‘ski, Matt, ski!’
He first begins teaching Amanda how to ski, saying he thinks she looks hot in the gear and that she took to the sport very easily. Amanda feels since he was so patient with her, it bodes well that he’ll be a great dad. Marshana’s up next, and says her ski boots hurt her feet already but she knows she has to “suck it up” because this is the last time she’ll see Matt before the next Rose Ceremony. There’s a lot of screaming and a lot of falling with her, and she grows frustrated because she can’t carry on much of a conversation with Matt under these circumstances. Wah, wah.
He Likes Me, He Really Likes Me!
Noelle’s date box arrives containing a mug of hot chocolate and some snow. The card reads, “let’s warm up before we hit the ice.” Being a scholar, Noelle assumes they’ll be going ice skating and she feels he must really like her to have given her the solo date.
Beware the Snow Shark
Shayne and Matt share lots of amazing (drink!) kisses as they hitch a ride on the chair lift. The two of them expertly slide down the mountain and they tease each other until Shayne eventually falls into the soft snow. Matt is impressed by her snowboarding and refers to her as a little “snow monkey,” hee. Matt skis over to sit in the snow with her, and she begins pulling various items of makeup - a tube of lipstick, a lip liner, a blush brush, and a mirror - from her pockets. Matt falls backward into the snow laughing, and it is hilarious to see her produce all these items one at a time, rather like a magician pulling rabbits out of a hat. Laughing with him, she innocently says, “I have to look good for you, babe.” They fall into each other’s arms, laughing and kissing, when suddenly the background music takes on an ominous sound. The camera pans over to Robin, with her lips pursed in determination, and I’m not sure, but I think I heard the Jaws theme music - da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum - as she skis over to the couple to say hello. Annoyed, Shayne continues to ski on down the slope and Robin plops down in Shayne’s place. The question of why she hasn’t had a solo date is still burning in her brain tissue(s) and she can’t wait to broach the subject with Matt. The reason, he explains, is that they seemed to have an immediate connection (drink!) so he felt his time would be better served getting to know the other women better. She seems quite satisfied with his reply and says she’ll be surprised if she doesn’t get a rose at the ceremony. As far as I’m concerned, if she doesn’t get a rose I hope ABC has security lined up for Matt. He’s going to need it. Blimey!
After skiing, the group decides to relax in the outdoor pool/hot tub. Matt, in a creepy luring manner, sits in the pool and watches as the ladies, clad in bikinis, climb in to join him. He takes Amanda off to an isolated part of the pool and she mentions how great it would be to bring him home to her parents, but warns that they’re a little “redneck.” The two of them joke about the possibility of her mother cooking possum for his hometown dinner, ha. By the way, if there are interactions between Matt and the other ladies in the pool, we’re not privy to them which means either nothing of consequence happened, or Fleiss is hiding something from us. I’ll let you decide.
Skating on Thin Ice?
Matt arrives for Noelle’s date but he kisses Shayne as soon as he enters the room. Hm. Noelle knows she needs to open up on this date since time is running out. They lace up their ice skates, and with great trepidation, take baby steps around the rink. Noelle gets tremendous enjoyment out of the fact that Matt is just as bad as she is at skating. This is the first I’ve learned that both Matt and Noelle have scars on their faces from different “nasty events.” Apparently Noelle was in a bad car crash and Matt asks if she worries about getting hurt again. She says no, adding that it had the opposite affect on her - she now doesn’t take anything for granted and is grateful for everything she does have in life. Her attitude certainly impresses me because I have three titanium plates in my neck and I’m very skittish in heavy traffic - and I’m embarrassed to admit I wasn’t even hurt in a car accident. *blush* But enough about me. Matt says after spending the evening with Noelle, this is the girl he could spend the rest of his life with. Wow, I didn’t see that coming.
Everybody was Kung-Ho Fighting
Robin tells the girls she and Matt had a conversation about the upcoming hometown dates and she feels pretty confident she’ll be continuing on. Marshana mentions that she’s met every challenge Matt has given her, and now that she’s seen how he lives, she’d like a hometown date so he can see how she lives. What? She’s seen how he lives? Now I’m not particularly fond of Robin, but I agree that’s a ridiculously naïve comment on Marshana’s part because they have no idea how Matt lives in the real world. Marshana clarifies that what she meant to say is that she’s seen what he likes to “do” like, rugby and swimming, and she’s been willing to try both. Oy. Robin takes another swipe at Marshana and that’s all the encouragement Marshana needs to come unglued. Chelsea wades into the argument saying Marshana is always negative, and from there it escalates to the three of them shouting over each other until Chelsea leaves the room with Marshana running after her. Shayne plays diplomat and breaks them up by walking Marshana back into the living room. Later Marshana tells us she (Marshana) is truly a “nice, friendly, loving and so giving, thoughtful and charitable person.” If you say so.
Is It Getting Hot in Here?
Noelle and Matt move indoors for some ‘clarity’ time and Matt gets right down to business by assuring Noelle he’s in this for the “right” reasons. With that proclamation out of the way, he asks if she’d be willing to live near him in London or California. Oh yes, she answers enthusiastically. Later she tells us she wants to make sure that he not only wants to meet her family, but that she wants him to meet her family as well. They lay in each other’s arms, and she confesses she’s only brought one person home to meet her parents. Ever. So this would be a big deal for her and her family. They discuss the fact that they could be trouble for each other because they each have the ability of getting inside the heart of the other. They hug and kiss as the camera pans away, and later Noelle confides to us she waited to open up to Matt until he let her know it was safe to do so. Alrighty then.
The Lord of the Ho’s
Tensions are still high as the ladies wait for the Rose Ceremony to begin back in Los Angeles. Marshana, Robin and Chelsea seem to have picked up where they left off when it comes to scratching and clawing their way to the fresh meat that is Matt. Marshana makes it clear she wants each of them sent home ASAP until she is the last gal standing. As Noelle explains to us with great insight, they each feel they have an amazing connection (drink! drink!) with Matt, and if they all feel it, and yet two will be going home tonight, none of them should feel safe.
Lord Matt arrives before the ladies have a chance to do too much damage to one another, and everyone puts on a happy face for him. But Chelsea is worried that Marshana will spill the details of their earlier fight to Matt, and sure enough, Marshana begins bending Matt’s ear about their tussle the minute she gets the opportunity. She explains that “somehow” she ended up on the wrong end of a discussion with Chelsea and Robin, and that they said some terrible things about her. She accuses Chelsea and Robin of saying that she (Marshana) doesn’t want to be there. She professes her undying devotion to Matt, and he tenderly says it hurts him to hear she was treated unfairly. Gah. He wants her to know he’s kept her there for a reason and that she impresses him. She makes sure he understands she can’t wait to take him home to Brooklyn, but just then Chelsea joins them on the sofa. Marshana tells us if Chelsea hadn’t interrupted them she would have been able to kiss Matt, and Chelsea counters by saying if Marshana hadn’t wasted so much time talking about her (Chelsea) she would have been able to do just that. I can’t imagine Matt finds any of this nonsense very entertaining. I know I don’t. Stick a fork in me, I’m D.U.N.
Chelsea bats her eyes and tells Matt she wants him to meet her wonderful family, but he’s concerned because he likes the romance of holding hands, and he wants to know she’s okay with that. They then proceed to share spit and tongues which is interesting to me. Apparently in Chelsea’s world holding hands is a no-go, but deep throating each other is quite acceptable. Got it.
Meanwhile Marshana is still ranting in the other room about Chelsea to Shayne and Robin. Once again Shayne tries to be the voice of reason but as Robin storms out of the room, Marshana calls out to her, “I sleep every night, and I’ll drink to that!” Meh. At this point my care factor = 0.
Robin and Matt step outside, and he slips his jacket over her shoulders. She tells us she wants him to kiss her tonight and says she always gets what she wants. As the other ladies watch, Robin snuggles up to Matt, and they talk about her home in Michigan then he gives her a small kiss. Shayne says she can’t watch because Robin irritates her (you’re not alone, sister). At some point Shayne finally gets her private time with Matt, and tells him this experience is hard for her because her feelings are real. She adds it’s important for him to meet her family because she wants them to tell him she’s a strong, loyal, confident and trustworthy woman. It rather sounds like she’s comparing herself to a faithful dog - or the family van that’s always gassed up and ready to haul the kids to a soccer game or the mall.
Chris interrupts, saying it’s time for the serious business ahead of them. Matt tells the ladies that meeting their families will be a huge step and reminds everyone he’s here to find the love of his life. Does anyone still buy this now that we’re in Season 12? Yeah, I don’t either.
Chris reminds everyone for the fiftieth time how important this ceremony is because the four who remain will be taking Matt home to their crazy-ass families. Amanda looks like she’s about to faint as Matt enters the room sighing heavily. He thanks them all for an amazing (drink!) time in Sun Valley and says he feels humbled and privileged that he’ll be meeting some of their families. WE KNOW ALREADY. With that, the first rose goes to Shayne which is followed by Noelle (who looks stunned). Chelsea’s name is called next and Robin and Marshana both look like they’re about to kick some ass. The final rose goes to Amanda and I hope security is nearby because Robin is LIVID. Marshana tells us that as the final rose was being offered, she was hearing Destiny’s Child lyrics...well, I think her true words were something about praying for Matt to “say my name, say my name.” But she graciously says goodbye to Matt, then tells us, “I got in a pool! I played rugby! I took an elbow to the face! There’s nothing left for me to do but to go home 100% being the lady that I arrived being.” She then proceeds to trip on the long train of her formal gown as she leaves the room, heh. But there’s bigger fish to fry, and that mackerel’s name is Robin. She is shooting DAGGERS at Matt, glaring with such venomous rancor that I’m guessing S.W.A.T. is right outside the door with tasers and mace at the ready. She must see them, too, because all she can muster in Matt’s direction is a brief “bon soir.” I’m guessing by now she’s probably learned half a dozen cuss words in French, Italian and German that she’ll hurl his way if they should ever cross paths again. If Matt doesn’t file a restraining order, that is.
The four remaining ladies toast to the Big Guy and speaking of Big Guys, Chris promises us great footage next week of Matt finally meeting “Shayne’s famous father,” as well as the other three families. Oh, and Amanda’s mom pinches Matt’s nipple. Ack! Has your mother ever pinched your man’s nipples? Let me know via a pm here.