Previously on The Bachelor, Ashlee nailed the first kiss and received the coveted rose on the first group date. She then jacked up major animosity by flaunting the rose, quickly drawing ire from the other women. More drama ensued when Shayne threw a temper tantrum in Vegas when she realized she’d need to compete for Matt’s attention. Just what kind of an actress is she? Didn't she read the script beforehand? I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Shayne will put on another dramatic spectacle. Oh, and by the way, you should know it’s not easy typing with fingers crossed - trust me on this - but I suffer for the art of recapping. That’s the kind of pro I am.
Hooray for Holly-wood
Chris Harrison gathers everyone in the living room for this week’s instructions: there will be one group date, and two one-on-one dates, with a rose up for grabs on each of the three dates. However, if Matt chooses not to present a rose on the one-on-one-dates, that bachelorette will leave the show - say it with me now - brokenhearted. Of course we Bachelor pro’s know by now most are not brokenhearted from losing the opportunity to nab a man. No sirree. Most are brokenhearted because they’re losing the opportunity to appear on television, thereby nixing their hopes to parlay this experience into something far more lucrative due to the exposure. Shayne proves her acting lessons have been money well spent by twice declaring if she were chosen for a one-on-one date and was sent home, she’d die. But we know she’s still quite the amateur because she doesn’t collapse to the floor when uttering the word ‘die.’ Pffft.
Chris chooses Amanda to open the first date box which is addressed to Holly. She and Matt are invited to a private (take note of the word ‘private’ as this will become glaringly important in a minute) premiere of the movie, Made of Honor, starring Patrick Dempsey.
Matt and Holly arrive at Mann’s Chinese Theatre in style and are immediately wowed by the paparazzi, reporters and major stars bustling about. But wait a minute…I see the red carpet, some photographers, and two reporters but where are the famous actors/actresses that usually show up en masse to these events? Helllloooooo? Matt and Holly are the only folks there. I don’t even see any D-listers milling about. I suspect the actual premiere will be much later in the evening, and let’s face it, Fleiss could probably only spring for two premiere matinee tickets, heh. Besides, as Ralphie in the movie A Christmas Story says, “this is just a crummy commercial” anyway. Meh.
As they step out of the limo, Matt gives Holly a kiss, then they pose for pictures - taken by what I can only assume with this budget - are ABC interns and pages. In quite an insightful moment, Matt confesses “Brit’s love Hollywood” (hm, could this be a subconscious referral to his attraction to Shayne?). He and Holly put their hands and names in a large square of wet cement - now there’s a souvenir for you - try carrying that around to show your friends. During questioning from two second-class ‘reporters’ Matt says the woman of his dreams will be outgoing, smart and still able to make him laugh 30 years later. What, only 30 years? They proceed to watch the
crummy commercialmovie in the completely empty theatre, laughing and crying at times because it's a romantic comedy, donchaknow.
After the movie, the two retire to a penthouse suite across the street. There’s a beautiful spread on the roof complete with views, food and the ever essential alcohol. Matt is curious how Holly became interested in writing childrens books, and she explains it was difficult saying goodbye to the children she babysat in Ohio when she moved to Los Angeles. They inspired her to write, I Miss You, which is yet to be published but can be found here. Hey, I figure if Fleiss can give Made of Honor a shameless plug, why shouldn’t I give Holly one? It’s probably the real reason she’s on the show anyway, so there you go, Holly. You owe me a favor, hon.
Fish and Chips, Anyone?
The second date box arrives which is opened by Marshana, who for some reason has now Bedazzled jewels to the center part in her hair. Ouch. The invitation reads, “It’s time to get down and dirty. Please join me for a game of football, British style,” and those invited are Kristine, Amanda, Chelsea, Erin, Noelle, Robin, Marshana, Kelly, Ashlee and Amy. Shayne doesn’t understand why she’s excluded (is she acting again?) and the others explain it means she gets the only other one-on-one date. Shayne believes Matt chose her because the last time they were together she told him she doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve, and “if you want to get to know me, you obviously have to get to know me.” Ah, she spins pure gold with words, doesn’t she? I’ve got to hand it to her, though. She may not have an impressive command of the English language, but she sure seems to be reeling in a big ol’ English fish by the name of Matt. There’s a knock on the door of the ladies’ mansion and when Shayne opens it she sees the cement block with Matt and Holly’s handprints. Also embedded in the cement is “Matt + Holly” and “Matt hearts Holly.” She calls everyone to the door and they jointly come to the conclusion that Holly must have written the second sentiment. They boo, hiss and slam the door, but not before a slurring Kelly shouts to the others, “he’sh already in love, we might ash well all go home.”
And Yet Another Hot Tub
A very serious Matt has an internal debate about whether to give Holly the rose or not. He tells her he finds her very attractive and wonders if she’s attracted to him. She confirms that he’s perfect for her and that she loves his sense of humor, adding she’s very comfortable around him. He agrees but has concerns that maybe they're too comfortable together, and he isn’t sure they have any electricity between them. This troubles Holly greatly and she confides to us that she loves being around Matt and would be sad if he sent her home.
Whether figuratively or literally, somehow our Darling Duo has decided there’s no better way to check for electricity between two people, than to climb into a hot tub. So in they go surrounded by bubbles, candles and cameramen. As Matt stares (and I mean STARES) at her breasts (somewhat covered by a bikini top), he mutters something about having a good time. They kiss, which he later describes as “brilliant!” then he offers her the rose. He pulls her close to him and the camera cuts away with them kissing and embracing. Did I see sparks?
Warming Up for Battle
The 10 ladies invited on the group date arrive at a park where Matt is already waiting for them. He explains to us that today he’ll be looking for the woman who puts forth the greatest effort in understanding the game because it's very important to him. Silly me, I was thinking he just wanted to watch ladies run around in midriff-baring shirts and snug short shorts while tackling each other. Everyone warms up by stretching, and Ashlee tells us she’s not happy about the date because she “doesn’t like football, British football or any of that sh*t.” Well, okay then. Robin volunteers to slam into a rugby training mat that Matt (that’s a mouthful, sorry) is holding in front of him, and he thinks she looks sexy on the field. Amanda notices he was constantly running over to encourage her (Amanda), but she’s not sure if it’s because he simply wanted to talk to her or because he thought she looked pathetic.
Spray On, Sister
With everyone out playing rugby, Holly and Shayne are trying to keep themselves entertained in the quiet house. Shayne whines that she’s “dying” waiting around for her date, and mentions that she needs a tan. Sweet Holly volunteers that she brought an entire spray-tan kit with her, and offers to spray Shayne. She asks Shayne not to tell the others, but I’m not sure Shayne even heard her because she was squealing loudly with delight. Shayne suits up, wearing shower cap and all, as Holly goes about spraying her body. Sorry men, but there’s a big black stripe across her butt as Holly gets in and around every body crevice. Too bad there wasn’t a picture of that on ABC’s website. Rats.
The Games People Play
Matt picks Kelly and Marshana as captains and the girls choose players for their teams. Ashlee is the last gal standing and Chelsea tells us “if you wear fake eyelashes to a f*cking rugby game, you deserve to get picked last.” I’ll make a note of that, thanks. The girls play surprisingly rough and when Chelsea knocks Ashlee down, Ashlee says Chelsea was like a “big ol’ dude.” Somehow in the fracas, Marshana gets elbowed in the mouth and cuts her lip. I’m sure it hurt, but she’s wise enough to milk the injury for all it’s worth. Matt puts a coat around her shoulders, and visits with her as she holds an ice pack to her mouth. Kelly’s team wins the game, but everyone feels like a winner when they learn they’ll all be going to Matt’s house to celebrate.
Like No Bachelor Pad I’ve Ever Seen
The group is impressed with "Matt’s home," and the ladies ooh and aah over how beautiful the house and views are. Marshana goes so far as to say, “it felt good to see where he lives and where he spends his time.” Surely they understand this is nothing more than a Fleiss rental, right? Robin tells us she wants him and the house - I hate to tell you this, Robin - you might end up with him, but you're definitely not getting the house.
Wine glasses are filled and Matt surprises everyone with two massage tables set up with two masseuses to take care of business. Marshana says Matt is so thoughtful to have set this up for them which makes me suspect she not only took a hard knock to the mouth, but also to her brain. After the massages everyone dons their bikinis and gather in the pool and jacuzzi. Because her team won, Matt invites Kelly to join him for private massages, and as soon as they lay on the tables, Kelly says, “I like it really hard,” which Matt quickly picks up on. She offers to massage his back, then sits on him as she rubs his shoulders. She appears to either be drunk or is getting a real sexual thrill out of the situation. Now that I think about it, it’s quite possibly both.
As the sun sets, Matt and Robin sit outside in front of a fire, and she tells him she’d like to stick around so she can get to know him better. He thinks she’s smart and beautiful and feels they have a good connection (drink!). He invites her into the hot tub with him, which basically looks like just another way for Our Brit Boy to make out with yet another girl who is wearing as little as possible. Blimey, this fellow is making Blob Guiney look like a Boy Scout. The next time we see him, he’s sitting with Amanda who is afraid Matt may be thinking she’s too reserved. As they chat, Noelle and Kristine come to join them, but these two are not smooth operators because they’re too shy to say anything, so they simply sit along the sidelines watching. *yawn*
The Shayne Show, Act I
Shayne is certainly getting as much mileage as she can out of her appearance on the show. Her date box arrives and as Holly reads the invitation, Shayne jumps up and down on the couch wearing little more than a skimpy nightie. She’s absolutely thrilled to discover she’s “going on a date with some wine!” She does know Matt will be there, too, right?
Just Another Amazing Connection
With full champagne glasses in hand, the rugby group gathers together in Matt’s living room. Holding the rose, Matt says this has been his favorite date so far, and announces he’ll be giving the rose to a person he’s had a amazing (drink!) time with tonight, and who pulled off some amazing (drink!) moves on the rugby field...Robin. He says “amazing” two more times, so drink up friends! A drunk Kelly tells us if she were a “dude” she’d never want to date Robin. Noted.
The Shayne Show, Act II
Matt arrives at the ladies’ home looking quite Hollywood in a tailored suit and designer sunglasses. Shayne is dressed for their date in a black sundress (it looks like Holly did a great job with the tanner) and white funky heeled boots. She approves of the Maserati he’ll be driving and they speed up the coast to Ojai, a beautiful town near Santa Barbara that I highly recommend visiting. Shayne makes it clear to us that if Matt offers her the rose, and she accepts, they’ll move forward in their relationship. Matt tells her “he’s” arranged for them to spend some time at a wine estate. She whimpers in her well-honed little-girl voice that she’s never been wine tasting before even though she loves wine, and adds that when she got the date box she said, “we’re going to wine!” Or is it whine? It’s amazing (drink!) how both spellings fit when talking about Shayne.
Once there, they walk along a rock pathway which means in Shayne’s heels, she’s rather stumbling along. I hope we get to see her traverse the same path after several glasses of wine, heh. Matt is clearly attracted to her, but tells us he's concerned about some of the tantrums she’s had. He asks about her career, but doesn’t give her a chance to answer. It’s obvious he’s actually more interested in her father’s career, and she tells him he won’t recognize her father’s name. She says his name is Lorenzo Lamas, and that he was most notably on a show called Renegade, and that he’s well-known in America. On her behalf, I do feel as if she’s trying to downplay her Hollywood childhood, but it doesn’t really matter because Matt’s in deep thought, since he thinks he recognizes the name Renegade. She says she moved out of the house when she was 17, and that both her parents have been married and divorced several times. Matt assumes she's implying she’s more mature than other 22 year olds. She makes it clear that’s not what she’s saying (I certainly didn’t get that from her), she just knows where she’s at in her life. When Matt asks if she’s ready for marriage yet, she says no, but she’s ready to move forward with a man and see where the relationship goes. Matt acknowledges he’s ready now, but she calls him on it saying most men at 30 aren’t even ready, which cracks him up. He’s leery of her age and career choice (I thought Brit’s love Hollywood, Matt), but thinks she could very well dispel his fears. Oh, I’m sure she can, Matt. *wink wink*
They head inside for dinner and Matt tells us Shayne’s the ultimate Los Angeles sex kitten. Over dinner she describes herself as relaxed in life and not very pretentious. Matt asks if she’s high maintenance and after mulling it over for several minutes, and stuttering as she does so, she finally admits she is. They have a hearty laugh and Matt actually high five’s her. She apologizes but says she just wants to be honest. It’s a cute exchange between them and they seem to be having a grand time together. When Matt questions how many pairs of shoes she has, she cops to about 400, adding that she brought an entire suitcase filled with shoes for the show. By the way, there are five material things that are essential to Shayne, who says if you have all five, it doesn’t matter what you wear on your body. Here’s her list:
Top Five Things I’m Into by Shayne Lamas
Matt tells us Shayne makes him laugh - sometimes he thinks she’s "one sandwich short of a picnic," and the next moment he thinks she’s the "best thing since sliced bread." Which just proves once again, most men think with either their stomachs or the head that’s slightly below their stomach. In this case, it sounds like Matt’s thinking with both. He lets her know he loves the glamorous and vulnerable sides to her, and she feels as time goes on they’ll naturally open up more to each other. Matt makes a point of correcting her by saying “if” time goes on, making sure she understands she needs the rose in order to remain in the house. She confides to us she’ll be devastated if he doesn’t give her the rose.
Meanwhile Back at Casa de Disgruntled Women
Apparently Robin has been flapping her gums in great detail about every conversation (have there been that many?) she’s had with Matt. The stress of this sends Amanda into the ‘meeps,’ but Robin doesn’t miss a beat in her soliloquy even with Amanda’s accidental interruptions.
The Shayne Show, Act III
Our couple retires to snuggle on a rug in front of a roaring fireplace. Scattered around them are desserts, candles and wine. Shayne makes it clear that this is the most extravagant, crazy thing she’s ever done. She makes sure Matt understands she took a huge leap of faith to come on the show, and says she’s doing it all for him. I’d like to know what she gave up in order to do this show. Is she even currently working right now? According to IMDb, she’s appeared in a couple of low-budget movies so I’m not quite believing she’s truly given up much. I’m guessing maybe she had to arrange for someone to feed her cat or something.
She’s a tiny little thing, though, and Matt wraps her in his arms as they snuggle, then he sneaks off to get the rose as a surprise. He tells her he loves her stories and presents the rose to her. Without seeing one of her movies, I already know she’s probably a terrible actress because try as she might to sound surprised I’m not buying it. But Matt? He’s bought it hook, line and sinker. He’s a goner.
One Last Showdown
Matt enters the ladies’ house for the Rose Ceremony and is met with wild applause and squeals, which makes me wonder if these guys miss that sort of welcome when they return to their normal lives after the show. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to learn they ask their families to carry on like that every once in a while just for old time’s sake. Kristine says the mood in the house is tense and everyone’s questioning whether they’ll be cut tonight. They all make a play for special time with Matt, and he makes the best of having to kiss as many of them as possible. Attaboy, Matt, talk about sucking it up for the sake of the job at hand, heh.
Noelle is a mess and chooses Robin to confide that she’s worried it’s just a matter of time before Matt sends her home. Wrong person to confide in, because cut-throat Robin encourages her in that case, to reject the rose tonight if he offers her one. Yikes. As Matt continues to make the rounds wooing the ladies who haven’t received a rose yet, Robin (who already has a rose) snatches him away. When the other ladies hear about it, Shayne rallies Amy and Kelly to help her steal him back so they can have some private time with him. Matt explains to Robin that she already has a rose, and lets the Three Musketeers take him away. Once the deed is done, Shayne departs, leaving Amy and Kelly to work it out for themselves. Matt laughs saying, “she cracks me up” as Shayne walks way. Marshana thinks it’s great that Shayne stood up for those without roses…I have a feeling she’s not the only one. The word spreads and Shayne suggests Robin not do that in the future, but Robin insists she’ll continue to do whatever she damn well pleases, thankyouverymuch. But hey, did anyone else notice there was actually, like, real food, laid out for eating and such? Blimey!
Matt meets up with an emotional Holly. She’s smitten, you know, and it’s difficult to see the man she adores with other women. She walks him over to their cement block (I wonder if she sleeps with that thing) and tries to relive their Hollywood date. Matt, being a trooper, is always up for more kissing, and they smooch on the patio. I’m pretty sure there were butterflies fluttering around Holly’s head, and I do believe I heard birds chirping her name in unison.
The Rose Ceremony
Chris enters the room clinking his glass which signifies it’s that time again. The ladies line up and Chris reminds everyone that Holly, Robin and Shayne already have roses which leaves six roses for tonight. In other words, three women will be getting tossed out on their keisters. Matt thanks them for wonderful dates and roses are handed out as follows: Amanda, Ashlee, a rather tipsy Kelly, Chelsea, Noelle, and the final rose goes to Marshana. Kristine, Amy and hot dog girl, Erin S. say their goodbyes. A slightly inebriated Amy says she’s made several friends in the house, and Erin has a good attitude saying it’s Matt’s call. But Kristine’s reaction surprises me. She seems to have so much going for her, I didn’t expect to see her so deeply hurt.
Those who remain, toast to their future and it looks like we’ll be subjected to more jabbering from Robin next week. Oh, and Marshana speaks the terrific line, “pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am, see how wonderful I am, see how much I care.” The outtake footage shows Chelsea and Holly going through the hundreds of shoes Shayne has brought to the show. How many shoes do you own? Let me know via a pm here.