Say, did you know this season’s Bachelor is from England! It’s true! Not only that, he must be especially discerning (or he’s got quite the reputation in England and can no longer find a woman there to date) because he had to leave his home and travel half-way around the world to find his true love here in America. So settle in a comfy chair and prepare to be held spell-bound by a fairytale as only ABC can spin.
The ladies are already preened and ready for action when Chris Harrison enters the room looking smashing in his tailored black and white stripe shirt. I’ve never seen him look so California-tanned before so I’m guessing he and the Mrs. must have recently returned from some faraway exotic island adventure (either that, or he’s been mowing the lawn at this season’s Bachelorette Manor for some extra spending money). He informs the ladies there will be two group dates this week, with a rose up for grabs on each outing. He points out the first date box, then shows his Bachelor-hosting expertise by fleeing the room before the ladies have a chance to rip off his shirt as they dive for the box with their claws extended. Holly reads the invitation addressed to Ashlee, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, Michelle, Amanda, Erin H. and herself. The card reads, “come runway with me.” My first thought is they’re going to stand at the end of the LAX runway and see whose hair remains most perfectly styled as the jets blast overhead. But ABC obviously doesn’t have as active imagination as me, and therefore the date will actually be a fashion show. Meh.
The Bachelor Meets America’s Next Top Model
Champagne flows in the limo and once at the fashion show, Matt clarifies the women won’t be watching a fashion show, but will be in a fashion show held just for him. That’s right. No one else will see them, just Matt. Ooh, it makes my palms all sweaty with excitement just thinking about it. How incredibly lame is this (and just wait until they hear where the second group date will be held). But the girls are all fired up getting their hair pouffed, their makeup applied and their fashion supplied by the haute couture fashion icon, Express. *Yawn* Marshana, who apparently has beauty pageant experience, says she’s going to “stand tall, walk proud, stomp it out, and send the other girls home.” M’kay. Matt sets our mind at ease about how this is going to play out when he tells us he’s not giving a rose to the hottest girl or even the best model. The person who receives this coveted rose will be the one who really “goes for it.” Gee, I hope that means we can anticipate someone diving off the runway, tackling Matt, then ripping the rose from his clenched fist shouting, “I shall not be ignored!” Well if that's the case, I’m a little more interested then.
There are fake paparazzi snapping photos left and right (none of which are on the ABC Bachelor website by the way *shakes fist*), and each woman takes her turn walking the catwalk. Matt applauds each gal, then eyes them up and down in a rather luring-old-man-creepy kind of way, if you ask me. Holly (who last week displayed her awesome breasts beautifully) has decided to keep them under wraps today and instead has decided to show off her moon-walking abilities…because you know, nothing shouts out sexy flirtation like moon-walking. Speaking of sex, Amanda steps up her game by taking off her blouse, exposing a little gold-lamé bra, and I notice there isn’t a hiccup out of her. We are continually learning about our boy, Matt, and I’m guessing he’s lead a somewhat sheltered life so far, because he tells us this is one of the best dates he’s ever been on! Wow.
The Bachelor Meets American Idol
The party continues in a penthouse suite in Hollywood, where even more liquor is served. The ladies are drinking, squealing, drinking, laughing, drinking, dancing, drinking…well you get the idea. Marshana takes Matt aside and opens the conversation by saying “there’s something on my mind.” He’s all ears (although not in a Prince Charles kind of way) and looks a little tipsy with a goofy smile on his face, but the mood sharply changes as she asks how he feels about interracial dating. Now, maybe it’s just me, but if he had a problem with interracial dating, wouldn’t she be back home by now? He assures her he has no problem dating outside his race and goes on to say he picked her because she has an aura about her and he thinks her skin is gorgeous.
Michelle uses her ‘private’ time (they’re actually sitting approximately two feet away from the others) with Matt to sing a song she wrote specifically for him. She has a beautiful voice, but really, the words are something about wanting him to touch her, feel her, and I’m thinking how in the hell is he supposed to do that with her caterwauling at him? Erin H. is “pissed” to find out there’s another singer in the house, which leaves me to wonder is she annoyed because she didn’t finish those singing lessons in time for the show? Or does she just hate American Idol wannabes?
Back at Hoville
The second date box arrives. It’s a briefcase loaded with fake money and a card that reads, “take a gamble on love…show me the city of sin.” These are smart girls because they immediately realize they’re going to Vegas, Baby! and the squealing rises several octaves. Robin’s especially thrilled because she’s never been to Vegas, and Shayne announces, “we’re the FUN group!”
The Bachelor Meets High School Musical
Ashlee isn’t about to be ignored and takes Matt aside with the master plan to hint that she wants a kiss from him. She corners him and he admits she was in the “top two” of the catwalk. This second place honor will not suffice, and she questions why she wasn’t the top ONE, then coyly giggles as only immature twenty-two-year-old women can. She flatters him continuously and adds she’s been staring at his lips all day. He’s a perceptive bloke and plants a somewhat lingering kiss on her, then leaves her to rejoin the others. Or so I thought. Actually, he gets The Rose, then presents it to her saying he feels a… Ready? He feels a…say it with me now…CONNECTION with her. There must be some kind of voodoo to this particular rose because as soon as it hits Ashlee’s nimble fingers, she immediately reverts into a 14-year-old girl, giggling, flaunting the rose, dancing up and down with glee as she shouts, “it’s MINE! Heeeeeeee.” Gad, can she BE any more insufferable? Why, yes. Yes, she can. When they all return home, she shouts, “I got the ro-ose!” in a sing-song voice, then proceeds to romp around the bedroom like a school girl who’s been invited to her first high school prom. *rolleyes* And, why in the hell does she still have the price tag on the back of her pajama top? It makes me laugh that no one tells her about it, and reminds me how silly it looks when someone forgets to close the little door that covers their car’s gas cap, heheh. The other ladies are not happy with her, particularly when she informs them all that Matt kissed her.
The Bachelor Meets Wheel Of Fortune
The time comes for the second group date and Matt and the ladies
gulpsip champagne on the way to their Vegas hotel. Shayne says even though she’s been to Vegas “thousands of times,” her energy always goes up when she's there. Oh, and she thinks Matt looks gorgeous tonight, and wishes she could run away with him.
Matt hands each of them $1,000 in chips and says they have 30 minutes to gamble. Whoever has the most chips at that time, wins a half hour with him at the end of the evening. What? I was thinking the winner would get The Rose - he’d better make it worth their while. Some of them bet conservatively, others are riskier, but Robin has her own game plan. She tells Matt she’s not going to gamble when it comes to him, so she’s hanging onto her $1,000. Shayne on the other hand, puts it all on one number on the roulette wheel and loses it all in about two seconds. A slightly snozzled Kelly comes out the winner, and she and Matt go up to a rooftop restaurant for a bite to eat and more champagne (greaaaat). We watch Kelly’s food slide off her spoon, and she slurs her words when informing Matt that she’s “nicshe, er, nice, cool, and can handle my alcohol.” *hic* Riiight.
Downstairs, the others are sulking, most especially Shayne. Finally she gets Matt alone then goes ballistic saying she’s tired of waiting in the wings and not being able to spend time with him. He reminds her all the women are having to deal with vying for his attention. Later he tells us she’s very attractive but the drama side of her isn’t. Personally, I think she’s very used to getting her way by pouting and throwing tantrums, so she’s simply doing what she knows - to which I say, pffft, someone needs a time out.
The Bachelor Meets America’s Got Talent
Matt and his laydays go up to a private
swankyoverly glitzed, tacky suite (think Trump), where the ever-present champagne fills their glasses. Kelly continues to show Matt how well she can hold her liquor (which is to say not at all) by slurring her words as she drunkenly attempts the sexy move of draping herself over a piano while talking directly to The Rose. Meanwhile Shayne mopes just as well in the suite as she did in the casino, especially when he takes Chelsea aside. The champagne is talking for Chelsea as she tries to explain to Matt rather awkwardly, that she’s a fun, free-spirited kind of gal who sometimes gets lonely for someone to share her life with. He seems to understand her completely. When she adds that she can be stubborn, he says well then he’s not interested and pretends to walk away, hee. She’s fooled for a moment, then realizes he’s kidding and they share a good laugh together.
I’ve had enough of Sniveling Shayne as she whines to us about how she can’t stand the other women being in her way. Is it too much for me to hope she gets fed up and flies home to Daddy? She stands in the doorway like a hurt puppy as Robin skillfully plays the piano while sitting on Matt’s lap. Erin S. thinks her chances are good with him even though she doesn’t sing or play the piano. Gee, you mean she's not going to show off her talent for cooking hot dogs?
Matt tells us privately he’s very taken by one girl in particular and feels a bit “gutted” that he can’t leave with her this evening. He must be referring to Chelsea because as the group sits together, he offers The Rose to her, which sends Sniveling Shayne into a tailspin. She tells us she’s used to getting a thousand roses and is used to getting her way (ha, I knew it!) so she’s thinking about packing her bags and going home. Yes, please.
The Bachelor Meets So You Think You Can Dance
It's Rose Ceremony night and as Matt arrives at the mansion, he’s once again greeted with wild applause from the ladies. Robin’s the first to steal him away and the two of them engage in a little role-playing that ends with them kissing. Robin knows she might not have received the first kiss but she believes hers was the most meaningful and longest, and she’s quite happy with that. When word spreads, Marshana goes into full gear and makes her move. Matt rattles off a string of compliments for her and they wind up slowly dancing with their bodies pressed together. Later he tells us he would have loved to have kissed her but he knew the others were watching and he didn’t feel it would be appropriate.
As he makes the rounds, he works his way over to Carri who suddenly begins singing opera to him. I’ve got to say, watching someone sit in close proximity to another, while singing in an operatic voice with full vibrato going on, is not attractive. Unless of course, you’re turned on by staring into someone’s gaping pie-hole. By the way, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure she’s got a cavity on her bottom right molar that should probably be checked out.
Since Amanda can’t sing, it appears she’s decided to showcase her chronic stress-induced hiccups (which she calls ‘meeps’). She truly seems to have forged some good friendships in the house and the girls sitting with her laugh along with her ‘misfortune.’ She’s adorable.
Shayne finally gets Matt alone again, and as he walks off with her she tells us if he sends her home, she’ll die. Now we’re talking ratings! With a ridiculously large, artificial flower stuck to the side of her rat’s-nest hair, she proceeds to fling her head around, bat her eyelashes and over-dramatically tell him she has feelings developing for him. He apologizes for being a little short with her in Vegas, but says he’s concerned about her being an actress. I'm guessing it's the old, "maybe you're not here for the right reasons," routine. Whatever, I can’t stand this woman.
Some time later, the party is in full swing with Marshana bumping and grinding in the center of the room, eventually grinding herself directly onto Matt’s lap. Amanda lightens the mood and brings out the clown in Matt when the two of them perform silly dances together which brings about howls of laughter from those watching. Chris Harrison enters the room, and it suddenly occurs to me how great it would be if he and Matt broke out into a perfected dance routine to Thriller, heh. But damn, Chris ceremoniously clinks his glass which is Matt’s cue to leave the room so he can ponder his Big Decision -does he want a woman who sulks, one who acts like a preteen, or one who can grind on the dance floor. Decisions, decisions.
The Mayor of Hoville
Chris reminds everyone that Ashlee has already been given a rose (like anyone could forget with her cavorting around the mansion shoving it under their noses every few minutes) as well as Chelsea. There are 10 roses left which means three women will be shown the door. Amanda lets out a ‘meep’ but the mood is too somber so no one laughs.
Matt sighs and says he’s been dreading this moment. He’s enjoyed mixing it up with them and recites The Bachelor refrain, “this decision has been hard for me.” Roses are distributed as follows: Robin, Holly, Erin S., Amanda (she lets out another ’meep’ and this time everyone laughs. Matt good-naturedly thanks her for embarrassing him on the dance floor), Kelly (is she drunk again?), Amy, Kristine, Marshana, Noelle, and final rose goes to Shayne. Grrr.
Erin H. has convinced herself he didn’t keep her around because she didn’t chase after him. Carri says she took a big risk coming here, and Michelle asks Matt to promise he’ll “seek out the good,” and says she looks forward to going home and having her cat lay on her legs again. Hey, whatever gets you through the night, honey.
Next week Holly and Matt “go Hollywood,” and the girls fight for their man by playing rugby (football?). Marshana gets hurt and an ambulance is called (this is getting to be a familiar scenario). Oh and Shayne gets alone time with Matt where I’m sure we’ll get to see her in full-pout mode.
The final clips tonight are outtakes of Chelsea, who is apparently double-jointed, and can roll her tongue completely around her mouth in a weird, never-seen-before manner. Hooboy, looking at Matt's face, don't you know he has some wild contorted images floating around in that little English brain of his. I predict he'll be keeping her around for a while, heh. Are you double jointed? Let me know via a pm here.
A dozen roses go out to i<3realitytv for the photos. Thank you!