Cheerio, Mateys! Or would that be Maties? My spellcheck doesn’t like either, so let’s just move along. Well…did you feel it this morning? See it? Hear it, perhaps? I knew the minute I woke up this was no ordinary day. The birds chirped a little louder, the sun shone a little brighter, and it was then that I realized all of nature was excited for the return of ABC’s exploitive search for love on reality television. We know it can work - we were recently reminded of Ryan and Trista’s continuing amazing peeeeenk journey - of course we're all aware that Trista did the selecting. But how can you not have an inkling hope for a man who utters words like “gob smack.” Am I right dear friends?
The English Patient (surely he’s a psychiatric patient to appear on this show)
Matt Grant, 27, is a 6’5” global financier from London and is The Bachelor’s first attempt at going international. Naturally with my suspicious nature, I’m curious why he couldn’t find one woman to love in all of England, but actually I’m more curious why in hell he’s counting on ABC to aid in his quest for love (excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor from laughter). Afterall, at the end of this season the odds are pretty good we’ll be witnessing him making a bee-line back to the safety of England with the realization that all American women are daft. I hate the thought that we females are being represented by the drunk media-whores who are attracted to appearing on these shows, but on the other hand, they do provide wonderful entertainment after a tough day at work. I have to admit, though, I’m immediately taken in by Matt’s charming sense of humor as he ruminates about Hugh Grant’s image that Englishmen are stammering, bumbling blokes - he then wonders aloud if Hugh can sue him for slander, hee.
Matt’s the youngest of five boys, clearly a ‘menopause’ child, as he’s 18 years younger than his oldest brother. He was quite the athlete during his University years, dabbling in rowing, rugby, cricket and soccer. Because his father had a mild stroke in 2006 at the age of 71, he’s decided this is the time to marry and begin a family so dear ol’ dad can enjoy his (Matt’s) hypothetical children. He thinks it will be “cool” to bring the love of his life back to London. Whether he's talking about for a visit or to live isn’t clear yet, but who really thinks it’s going to get that far anyway? Yeah, me neither.
Matt pulls up to the mansion in a Maserati as some type of liquid falls profusely from the sky. As a native Southern Californian it takes a few minutes before I recognize this phenomenon to be what is called ‘rain.’ Obviously this miracle never occurred to Fleiss and his minions either, because there is no protection for our English Skippy and he gets drenched walking from the car to Chris Harrison. I find myself smiling broadly as I deliciously anticipate the ladies presenting themselves to Matt with limp, wet hair, dragging soggy hemlines behind them and mascara streaming down their doleful faces - yes, I’m depraved like that, heheh.
You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto
During his off time, Chris has been busy studying the ABC Bachelor’s Phraseology Manual because he wastes no time in tossing around the word amazing and assures Matt that 25 beautiful American women are on their way. He reminds Matt that he’s the First. International. Bachelor. Ever. and asks Matt to explain what his life entails in London. Matt explains that being a banker, he “looks after high net-worth individuals.” That actually doesn’t explain much, because some housecleaners/chauffeurs also help to look after high net-worth individuals, but whatever. Matt thinks we American women will like his “stupid” sense of humor and his height, and thinks that apart from us saying a few words “wrong” like tomato instead of tomahto, things should roll along smoothly. What a sweet, silly, silly man - he doesn’t stand a chance with what Fleiss has in store for him.
Release the Hounds!
Rats, the rain has subsided but nonetheless the limos pull up as squeals of laughter waft in the air, and the ladies pile out as follows:
Amanda R., 27, account executive, Niceville, FL - Wow, this first woman out the chute is stunning and Matt definitely looks gob smacked. She’s perceptive, too, as she assumes correctly that Matt is British. She mentions she spent four years of her childhood there.
Amy, 22, nanny, Stockton, CA - Strikes a pose outside the limo, then twirls so Matt can get an eyeful of all the skin exposed in her cut-away gown, then presents her hand for him to kiss. She requests a twirl from him and approves of his cute “bum.” Meh.
Devon, 24, makeup artist, Austin, TX - She’s a vision in a gold lamé gown. Matt utters two words - “wow” and are you ready for it? “Amazing!” His eyes linger as she saunters into the mansion.
Kristine, 32, personal trainer, Charlotte, NC - He compliments her dress which is a beautiful shade of coral and is cut down to here and up to there.
Chelsea, 24, pharmaceutical sales representative, Durango, CO - We knew there’d be at least one pharmaceutical sales rep in the bunch and here she is folks. Chelsea challenges Matt to an arm wrestle competition later. Is that what they’re calling it nowadays? Hm.
Inside the mansion champagne is already flowing, but wait! There’s more!
Erin H., 25, event planner, Seattle, WA - She coyly approaches MattyBoy flashing a sparkly ring under his nose on that finger, and informs him it’s a “placeholder” until he presents her with the real one. All-righty-then.
Kelly, 24, medical sales representative, San Diego, CA - They barely exchange a few words before she ducks inside.
Rebecca, 30, attorney, Alamo, CA - She laughs when she guesses he’s from England, then dashes up the stairs.
Denise, 30, former Bush aide, Washington D.C. - We have our first understated gal and she politely greets him then graciously heads for the house. She's obviously used to playing things politically conservative.
Erin S., 33, hot dog vendor, Venice, CA - Seriously, a hot dog vendor? Not that there’s anything wrong with that because a girl’s got to eat, but really? She warns she’ll be looking for him once he joins them inside. I’m guessing she’s used to 'hounding' people *ba dum ching!* while selling her ‘wares.’
Robin, 22, advertising coordinator, Holland, MI - She’s also lived in London and when he mentions that he plays rugby, she coquettishly says she prefers soccer. Yawn.
Ashlee, 22, singer/songwriter, Jacksonville Beach, FL - We’ve got our first petite darling of the night who bears a strong resemblance to Leelee Sobieski. Matt loves her above-the-knee sparkly dress and she blows him (now, now, keep reading *wags finger*) a kiss as she heads for the door.
Alyssa, 24, biology student, Boise, ID - Matt’s been left speechless by the way her girls perkily bounce their way toward him, so Alyssa and Matt share quick pleasantries, then he stares at her backside as she ascends the stairs.
Michelle P., 28, administrative assistant, Syracuse, NY - She swears she didn’t peek out the window at him so they could see each other at exactly the same time. Amazing!
Shayne, 22, actress, Malibu, CA - Matt is very interested in this cute little number and when he asks where she’s from she says “here.” I was so hoping we would see that humor of his and he’d ask if this is her house then, but alas, no. Sigh. I do think I saw a bit of drool running down his chin, though.
Chris’ contract says it’s time for him to check on Matt and he announces there are still 10 more women on the menu. Booyah!
Princess JasmineMarshana, 27, fashion designer, Brooklyn, NY - Matt compliments her dress but I’m blinded by the many jewels glued (did she use a Bedazzler?) to her massive forehead (would one that size be called a ten-head?).
Amanda P., 26, law student, Las Vegas, NV - She presents Matty with a little pink fuzzy die (as in gambling) for luck because she’s from Las Vegas and it matches her pink dress. M’kay.
Tamara, 23, cocktail waitress, Beverly Hills, CA - She confesses to being really nervous and scoots up the stairs.
Holly, 25, children’s author, Suffield, OH - She graciously approaches Matt and even though I’m a woman, even I’m stunned by her beautiful breasts. Matt stammers a little but quite frankly I’m surprised he can even string two words together, hee.
Tiffany, 33, real estate marketing representative, San Francisco, CA - She promises to tell him all about San Francisco later in the evening. I’ll be holding my breath.
Carri, 25, church marketing representative, Oklahoma City, OK - I’m officially smitten with Matt when he confesses to never having been to Oklahoma, but confesses that he loves the musical. Woot!
Stacey, 26, graduate student, Chicago, IL - A slightly tipsy Stacey in her sequin-y beauty pageant dress saunters up and coos that Matt is gorgeous. Is it too much to hope for a spectacle à la Lindsay or Blakeney from Andy Baldwin’s season? We shall see.
Lesley, 23, youth minister, Tampa, FL - In direct contrast, Lesley discreetly greets Matt then disappears.
Michele, 33, interior designer, Laguna Niguel, CA - She numbingly mutters “absolutely” several times then heads upstairs.
Noelle, 26, photographer, Loveland, CO - It’s no wonder they saved this gal for last, as she definitely knows how to make an entrance and she’s certainly got Matt’s attention. She informs him that she’s a “sucker” for accents and because she’s not specific, I have to wonder if Apu from The Simpson’s does anything for her, heh.
Chris reappears and Matt says he’s been blown away. Now maybe it’s just me, but I would imagine an innocent comment such as being ‘blown away’ could take on a whole new meaning with some of these gals. I’m just sayin’.
Vitamin C? Check. Calcium? Check. Aluminum? Check! Wait…What?
Chris tells Matt his future wife could be waiting for him inside the house, and I’m convinced I saw the tiniest little hint of a smirk on Chris’ face which tells me there is no way in hell he believes a word he’s saying. He goes on to explain the First-Impression Rose to Matt and with that, Matt officially enters the hunting grounds and is immediately greeted by hoots, howls and wild applause. He tells everyone he had high expectations which they have far exceeded. The ladies begin by quizzing him on his age and height, almost as if they’re making sure he knows the correct answers himself. Very quickly he’s deemed the perfect guy, with Ashlee declaring she’s ready to kiss him right now! and Chelsea falling in love with his eyes. But Amanda R. is the current front-runner in delirium, as she believes it’s quite possible he’s the man of her dreams. Have another drink, ladies.
The First-Impression Rose butler must not have had his contract renewed because Chris Harrison has Rose duty tonight. Everyone clearly knows the meaning of this long-stemmed flower because a hush falls over the room as Chris prominently places it on a table. By the way, I recently read that simply by wearing the color red, one can get a leg up on their competition. In The Bachelor’s case, I think a woman can get a leg up (so to speak) anytime she wants, so red-dress-wearing Chelsea knows she has to up her game and challenges Matt to that arm wrestling match she mentioned earlier. The two of them go at it and a crowd gathers. Later Matt tells us he normally only wrestles pregnant women (hee) and that he was an English gentleman and ‘let’ her win. Riiight.
Carri, Denise and Matt are chatting it up (as it were) and Carri is not pleased that Denise has directed the conversation toward American politics. As soon as Denise mentions she’s worked for Karl Rove, Carri interrupts to liven up the conversation by biting (yes, biting) a chunk out of an aluminum can. Talk about recycling. Ack. That can’t be good for teeth enamel, can it? Denise looks at her like she’s got a hole in her head (perhaps she does) and Matt thinks her timing was “sublime,” and puts the aluminum chunk in his shirt pocket. Heh.
Rebecca attempts to get Matt’s attention by “busting some moves” as she grinds alone on the dance floor. Since she’s an attorney, I wonder if she’s ever used that technique to get a judge’s attention in a courtroom.
Ashlee just happens to have her guitar with her and sings a song that she wrote especially for Matt. Afterward, I wait for Matt to say, “I don’t know dawg, it was a little pitchy” but I guess being an English gentleman and all, he resists the urge. Damn.
When stressed Amanda R. gets little hiccups, however she’s noticed when Matt is in the room, she’s cured. Interesting. Michelle P. magically produces a clarinet and as she sticks the reed into her mouth, she off-handedly makes the fabulous comment, “it has to be wet in order for it to vibrate.” Booyah! Surely this sound bite (as well as many others) will be artfully featured on Friday night’s The Soup, and I can’t wait. All those within earshot come into the room to listen, but only Matt applauds when she finishes. Shayne is distraught to discover that in order to get his attention a gal needs to have some kind of talent. I’m sure she’ll figure something out.
I Don't Mean To Sound Negative, But Stacey’s A Bitch!
Hot dog girl thinks the competition is fierce, but just then Stacey shows up. I don’t know where she’s been hiding until now, but there’s no doubt she’s been hitting the bottle wherever she’s been. The censors are kept busy bleeping her words and blurring her lips, and Marshana makes it known Stacey is “loud, belligerent, tasteless, tacky, classless and she’s riding my nerves like a pony.” The evening is deteriorating into debauchery as Erin H. calls Stacey a whore and tells her to “beat it” as she (Erin) tucks her lipstick back into her bra. Lovely. Somehow the two of them end up alone in a room where Stacey threatens to “win” Matt. There’s no doubt Fleiss has set up this scenario because suddenly Matt joins their little soirée. Stacey is
twoseven sheets to the wind and when Matt asks what they do for a living Erin says she's an events planner. As Erin yammers on, Stacey begins rubbing Matt’s leg with her hand and playing footsie with him. I so hope Joel McHale is watching because Stacey tells Matt, “I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of.” Say what? Matt looks at her blankly. Erin and Matt attempt to continue their lucid conversation but when Stacey announces that they’re boring, he asks what she would like to see in London. Her answer? The ocean. Matt tries again, asking what she knows about London, and she says the “upbringing cars.” After a game of what the hell are you talking about, Matt finally deciphers she’s talking about electric cars. Later, he deadpans: “London Bridge, Tower of London, Wembley Stadium, the Queen, electric cars…” As he cracks up I realize I officially adore Matt, hee.
Nothing Says ‘Call Me’ Like Your Worn Panties
Some girl in red (hot-dog girl?) steals Matt away from Stacey and as they begin conversing, Sozzled Stacey seats herself next to Matt stuffing something into his pants. He informs her he doesn’t have any pockets “there,” and suggests she put whatever it is in his hand but she’s gone in a flash. As he pulls out the ‘note’ he’s disgusted to see it’s actually her panties and hands them off to red-dress girl. Later he tells us no matter what country you’re from, that was not cool, however I do notice he’s now got them in his shirt pocket. What’s up with that, Matt? Eh? Red-dress girl can’t wait to spread the horror story to everyone in the house, and as is typical in these situations, the herd joins together to scoff at the tramp. The cameraman tracks Stacey down, and somewhere in this fine mansion she has found a bathroom with a bare twin-bed mattress on the middle of the floor. Ew. She is splayed out face-down, shoes off, snoring to beat the band. What do you want to bet, with the show airing on Monday, she ditched classes on Tuesday? Oy.
Shayne gets Matt alone to ask if he likes her dress and he responds by telling her about his “geeky” childhood. She thinks he’s adorable and the conversation moves on to Hollywood. She confesses that she’s an actress and her entire family is in the 'business.' With little prodding from him she admits her father is Lorenzo Llamas. She spends the next few moments trying to convince him she’s only here for him, that she has no other ulterior motives. Pfffft. Me doest think thou protests too much.
Noelle and Matt seem to genuinely like each other, but before long, he’s off visiting with Robin and they…dare I say it…seem to connect, even speaking a little French to each other. She makes me laugh when she confides to us, “look at me, I’m grinning!” like it’s a rare occurrence. Just then, Matt abruptly rises, grabs the First Impression Rose and offers it to Amanda R., saying she shines like a diamond. Since she still hasn’t hiccupped around him, she wonders aloud if he’s her cure.
It’s Déjà Vu All Over Again
Chris breaks up the party to announce the first Rose Ceremony. Matt says he’s had a “brilliant” time with everyone and sincerely means it “hand on heart.” Aw, such a cute Englishman. I quickly scan the room and don’t see Stacey anywhere so it’s probably a good guess she’s still sacked out on that nasty mattress in the bathroom. *shudder*
Mr. Happy reminds everyone that Amanda R. already has the First Impression Rose, so 14 roses remain and 10 ladies will be going home tonight. Matt gracefully says it’s been a privilege to meet all of them and he’s humbled to look out at their 25 (is Stacey back?) beautiful faces.
Roses are handed out as follows: Chelsea, Shayne, Michelle P., Marshana (from the clips we’ve seen of her tonight, I hope he likes drama because she’s packing, baby), Ashlee, Noelle, Erin S., Amy, Carri, Kristine, Robin, Kelly, Holly (and her beautiful breasts), by the way, it looks like someone roused Stacey because she’s back in the picture just in time to see the final rose go to…Erin H.
The 10 who didn’t receive roses say their emotiional goodbyes to people they barely know. Devon is sad and Rebecca has no idea why he chose the girls he did. Who knows, Rebecca, perhaps grinding on the dance floor is not high on his list. Although Stacey has sobered up some, she’s irritated and announces that Matt has no idea what he could have had with her. Oh, dear Stacy, I think he does know what he could have had with you…genital warts, herpes, Chlamydia, just to name a few. Tamara says she sacrificed plenty to be here, then breaks down into tears mid-sentence.
The chosen ladies toast with our English Gentleman and we’re treated to clips from future episodes, including Matt saying American women are terrific kissers (those of us who know what we’re doing anyway *wink wink*). There’s also champagne corks popping, plenty of sexy grinding and I’m sorry to say, ample doses of Marshana drama. Sigh. The best part of the closing credits, however, is most definitely a silly montage of Dancing Matt. So what’s your guess? Will Matt a) pick one of the bachelorettes, b) run screaming back to London alone or c) come to his senses and pick me? Let me know via a pm here.