The night has finally come for Bachelor fans everywhere. Who will Brad choose to carry on a pretend engagement with? Jenni? DeAnna? Or, since Chris Harrison promises this show will end in the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history,” perhaps Brad will reject both ladies and skip off into the sunset with Chris. However the show ends, I’m ready for the
inexpensivecheap entertainment it provides. To go along with this whole cheap theme, I suggest we all don our well-worn jammies, the socks with the holes in the heels, and toast to our favorite Bachelor words with the cheapest bottle of champagne I could find, which currently appears to be Ballatore Spumante NV, selling for $5.99/bottle. So put the phone on mute and let’s get ready to rummmmmble!
Brad’s All Wet
Because I love you all, I’ll skip the reflection on the season, the teasers for tonight’s show as well as the commercials, and get right to the gooey center filling. The camera zooms in on Brad standing on the balcony of his Malibu beach pad with a gorgeous view of the Pacific coast. Brad’s excited for his family members to meet Jenni and DeAnna because they’re “almost perfect.” Hm, that statement leaves plenty for the imagination, doesn’t it? Brad tells us he came into this experience simply hoping to find a wife, and he’s actually found two women he’s head over heels for. Wow, who would have thought? But just a minute. I could be wrong, but I think I’ve heard this refrain before. Oh, that’s right. Every. Single. Bachelor. has said this exact line. Gee, you’d think with Fleiss’ careful attention to details, he’d at least mix up the cue cards a little which could be great fun and might lead to something like, “I came into these women, simply hoping to find an experience, and yet I’ve actually found two heels I’ve fallen for.”
The family arrives and Brad gives bear hugs to Mom, twin Chad and his younger, never-before-seen brother, Wes. Brad describes DeAnna as one of the strongest, most independent people he’s ever encountered. He says he liked her family so much he didn’t want to leave them behind. Right on cue DeAnna knocks on the door (how about that for timing), and they hug like long-lost lovers. Mom’s a smart woman and rather than fret about pronouncing DeAhNah’s name incorrectly, announces she’ll be referring to her as DeeDee.
They waste no time getting down to lunch which is set out on the gorgeous backyard lawn with the pool and ocean behind them. Mom hopes to get better acquainted with DeeDee because it’s obvious Brad is quite interested in her. Apparently Brad is highly impressed with ‘Dee’s’ bar-tending skills and mentions to the family that she’s been in the business eight years. Oddly enough, Brad adds that “we” not only gain a sister-in-law, but an employee and everyone chuckles. Frankly, I want to know why he’s referring to DeAnna aka DeeDee aka Dee as a sister-in-law. Will he be foisting her off on Wes?
Later Mom tells us she noticed Brad couldn’t keep his hands off Dee, and she’s quite pleased that he was constantly touching her. She and Dee talk privately and Mom asks if she loves her son. Without skipping a beat, and frankly sounding as if she’s memorized a stack of 3x5 cards stashed in her pockets, Dee professes her devotion to all things Brad. She says she’s in love, and has enjoyed getting to know him, but the clincher for her was watching his wonderful interaction with her family. Mom asks if Dee’s expecting a proposal. She says “absolutely” then qualifies her statement by saying not expecting one, but hoping for one. Dee says she wants someone to grow old with, have babies with and wants someone who will be there for her. She thinks Brad will make a wonderful father and when Mom asks how many children she’d like to have, Dee says the magical number of three. Dee tells us not only is Mom a wonderful woman who is easy to talk to, but she also reminds her of her own mother.
Brad’s brothers are enjoying the visit, but Brad says “wait until you meet Jenni.” Slick move, Brad. /sarcasm He tells them he’s confused because both women are very different, and yet he has strong feelings for both of them. Of course you do, Bradmeister. You’ve read the Fleiss script and have learned your part well.
The Fleiss clock has hit the hour where it’s time for Dee to head on down the road but before she goes, Chad and Wes trick Brad into edging close to the pool. With the precision of brothers who have clearly gotten the best of each other from time to time, they expertly toss Brad into the pool. As an aside, I was at a friend’s house not too long ago when someone was pushed into a pool with an iPhone in his pocket, and he surely wasn’t as good a sport as Brad. But then again, I’m guessing the clothes on Brad’s back aren’t even paid for by him. But I digress. Wes isn’t satisfied with just one older brother in the pool, and masterfully tosses Chad in, too. It’s only natural at this point for Brad to pick Wes up and fling him into the pool, as Mom makes the brilliant decision to get as far away from the pool as possible. Dee officially loves this family, and I officially love Mom. Dee says she’ll be “totally crushed” if she doesn’t get to see them again.
Brad walks her to the limo and says his family loved her. He plants several kisses on her lips, forehead and neck, and says he doesn’t want to let her go. With one final, “I’m going to miss you,” he puts her in the limo and off she goes. Dee tells us she’s worried about Jenni meeting the family, and also worries he might choose Jenni over her. She can envision her life married to him, and hopes he chooses her.
It’s Jenni’s Turn on the Field, Giggle
Chad says DeAnna was fabulous but he’s looking forward to meeting Jenni. Wes asks when they will be meeting her, and can you believe Jenni’s limo pulls up right then and there? I know. It’s uncanny. Jenni tells us it’s crazy to think she might be meeting her future in-laws today and she’s really nervous. Giggle. Brad gives her the same kind of bear hug as he gave DeAnna.
I see they’re trying to mix things up a little so instead of eating on the lawn as they did with DeAnna, they’ve chosen to eat on the deck by the pool. Chad asks if it’s tough on her now that it’s down to just two girls, and she says yes, then giggles. Mom wants to know if she’s told Brad she loves him, and Jenni answers no, then giggles. There’s quite a bit of editing that’s gone on during this conversation so I’m not clear about the conversation, but basically Jenni feels you shouldn’t feel you have to say “I love you,” it should just “come out.” Giggle.
Mom steals Jenni away and immediately grills her on the old adage, that you’re not marrying the family, you’re marrying the man. I always thought the maxim was just the opposite, no? Whatever. Mom warns that’s not the case here because they’re a very close family and she wonders if Jenni is okay with that. Jenni is more than okay with it and looks forward to having more brothers and sisters, and another mother to call on the phone. Mom wants to know if Jenni loves Brad, and Jenni says love is a “huge thing,” and that she is “falling in love with him.” Mom’s not satisfied with that answer, though, and specifically asks if Brad were to propose to her what would she say. Jenni emphatically answers she’d say let’s get married right now! Giggle. Jenni says aloud, “Jennifer Dawn Womack” and pronounces that it sounds perfect. Giggle.
In the meantime, Chad comments to Brad that both the girls are very special. When Wes asks Brad if he could imagine spending his life with either of them, Brad says yes, being careful not to hint whether he plans on marrying both of them, or neither. Or perhaps Chris Harrison.
The gang gets together for some touch football, and when Chad winces after throwing a particularly fast ball at Jenni, Brad tells him, “she’s tough, don’t worry about it.” That can’t be good, can it?
It’s been six minutes on the Fleiss-o-meter, so it’s time for Jenni to be hitting the road. She tells us she would love to be a part of his family, and as Brad puts her in the car, I can’t help but sense that he’s not feeling as strongly toward her as DeAnna. But what do I know…I always get these things wrong.
Brad and Mom stroll out to a bench at the edge of the property for a heart-to-heart chat. Brad is hoping Mom can help him decide who to choose, and this bothers me to no end. If a 34-year-old man needs the help of his mommy to decide who to date, live with for two weeks, or marry, my advice to the ladies is to run like a bat out of hell. He admits to Mom that when he’s with one, he thinks about the other. Ack, that’s the second thing he’s said that can’t be good. He worries about breaking two hearts - the woman he doesn’t choose and his, because it will break his heart to say goodbye to one of them. Mom says it was easier for her to talk to DeAnna, but she thinks they’re both wonderful women. She tells us Brad sees life in black and white - there are no shades of gray to him. He’s never even dated two girls at the same time.
DeAnna’s Way or the Highway
DeAnna is lighting the ever-present candles in preparation for Brad’s arrival. She looks forward to a future with Brad filled with the simple things in life: having dinner at night together or sitting on the couch talking. She pictures herself married to him and living happily ever after. She’ll be crushed if he doesn’t choose her, and says someone will have to pick her up off the ground if it’s not her. <--- Remember this.
Brad arrives and affectionately give her a demonstrative hug. She’s cooked homemade lasagna for him, and he says the house smells delicious. As they eat they discuss how his mom was pleased to learn Dee knows her way around a kitchen because apparently Brad doesn’t do so well in that department. Over dinner Brad says he has strong feelings for her, and that she has everything he’s ever wanted in a woman. He thinks she’ll be an incredible wife and mother, and DeAnna sits in wide-eyed adoration. He asks what would happen if he left the toilet seat up and I expect her to say she’d hit the cold water swearing like a sailor. But she says the first few times she’ll put it down herself - after that it’s “talk time.” She elaborates further saying the dishes need to be put wherever she dictates, and the laundry will be done the way she likes it. Brad has the look on his face like “oh ho, we’ll see about that.” Heheh.
They retire to the couch and she says she loves having him in her life, and she sees herself marrying him. She wants to be the one who makes him happy and makes him smile, and he says she is that person. DeAnna feels she’s found the best thing for her, but she worries he might not choose her - he may choose the “wrong person.” She’s been confident the entire time until now, and now she’s scared. Brad doesn’t say anything, but stares intently into her eyes. He tells us he can see spending his life with DeAnna, but there’s someone else. He knows he’ll be seeing Jenni very soon and he’s confused. Aw, poor little feller.
No Giggling Tonight, Brad - I Have a Headache
Brad arrives at Jenni’s and plans on giving his full attention to her - what a trooper. Jenni tells us she’s been very positive and confident, but today she’s a mess of nerves. As they sit down to dinner, Jenni hesitantly approaches a serious talk with Brad about how she feels. Many times she has to stop to compose herself, and eventually she says she understands there’s a lot to work out with her (I think she’s referring to her commitment to the Suns), but she thinks she’s worth it. He tosses out a “um, hmm,” as if to agree with her. Through her tears, Jenni vows she will do whatever it takes to make him happy. Right about now I’m guessing he would be quite happy if she were to stop crying but it doesn't appear that's going to happen. Jenni “really, really, really” wants Brad to know how she’s been feeling through this entire process, and reads bits of her journal to him where she professes her love for him. She tells him if he takes a chance on her, she’ll be very good to him. He caresses her hair and wipes her tears as she reads, but he says nothing aloud. This girl’s a mess, and they hug as the camera pans away.
We see Brad wake up on ring shopping day, but rats, we’re not treated to a picture of shirtless Brad. Damn you, Fleiss. *shakes fist* Brad arrives at Rodeo Drive by limo and we observe him carefully checking out several beautiful diamond rings, eventually choosing one. He returns to the house and dresses for the Final Rose Ceremony. Woot! As far as I’m concerned, I’ve already received my prize for the evening because as Brad is dressing, we get an excellent shot of him bare-chested as he changes shirts! He does have a fine body, I’ll give him that. Suddenly I realize he’s been talking to us, so I have to rewind and watch the video over again. And again. And again, heheh. He says he can picture DeAnna as his wife because she’s so independent, and he thinks she’ll be by his side until the day he dies. BUT on the other hand, he can see Jenni being his wife because she’s so happy and loving. He pictures a lot of laughing in their lifetime. He knows exactly what he’s going to do today and he’s very confident in his decision. Really? He sounded like he was still confused to me - is he planning on marrying both of them?
Love, Bachelor Style
Brad’s dreamed of this day all his life, but he is worried about breaking someone’s heart. He waits by the Love Altar on which is lain The Rose, as the first limo pulls up. Ooh look, Chris Harrison is playing usher and opens the limo door. Out pops Jenni, and he walks her to the Love Garden. Jenni thinks Brad is perfect for her and if he proposes, she’ll say yes. She and Brad both breathe a heavy sigh and hold hands. He says from the first moment he met her he was taken in by her beautiful smile. He’s never encountered anyone like her, and she’s brought out a side of him no other woman ever has. He enjoyed her family, and they helped him understand why she’s as wonderful as she is. He says as he stands there in front of her, but he pauses. Uh oh, I can smell a big but(t) coming. He's still pausing, and she also senses something isn't right. He says he hates to say it, but he wants something more. He never thought he’d tell her goodbye, but here he is doing just that. Jenni can’t even look up at him. He begs her to look at him, and he wants her to know how much he cares about her. He aks if she has anything to say to him, because he’d love to hear it. I scream, “tell him not to let the door hit him, Jenni!” But she’s sweeter than me, and the only thing she can say is this is exactly the reason why it was hard for her to open up in the first place. She’s embarrassed for confessing her love to him, and Brad tries to assure her she shouldn’t be embarrassed but it’s much too late for that now. They hug for a very long time until she finally pulls away. They walk back to the limo hand in hand and the camera zooms in on The Rose still sitting on the Love Altar. With a final hug at the car, she tells him, “I hope that you end up truly happy,” and with that she climbs into the limo and breaks down. She rightfully feels rejected and says she doesn’t know what went wrong. Just before coming on the show her father told her there was one person out there for her, and she now realizes Brad is not that man. She’s a good person, though, and knows someone is waiting "out there" for her.
Brad’s back in place at the altar, and it’s DeAnna’s turn. He is happy, excited, terrified and has waited his entire life to find the perfect girl. DeAnna has everything he’s ever wanted in his ideal wife. DeAnna’s limo pulls up and Chris walks her over to Brad. She feels she can’t live without Brad, and if he were to propose she’d say yes. They finally meet and he grabs her hand. He tells her she looks beautiful, and says he’s never met anyone like her - she’s strong, independent, and the very first night he saw her he told someone he was “done.” He remembers their first kiss, and it’s been a long time, if ever, that he’s felt like that toward someone simply by kissing them. He reminds her about the moment she said marriage is a one-time thing for her, and says he feels that way, too. Then he informs her that he just said goodbye to Jenni which puts a little smile on DeAnna’s lips. But Brad takes a long pause, and eventually has to step down from the Love Altar to walk in circles around on the grass. One of my dogs does that just before she pees, so I’m wondering what in the hell he’s doing. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be a toilet moment for him (seat up or down be damned) because he adjusts his tie, rubs his hands together, and DeAnna tugs uncomfortably at her dress. Eventually he returns to her saying “we’ve always promised ourselves we’d be honest with each other, right?” (It’s here that she gets even more worried). He sees so many things in her he thought he’d never have - he has so many feelings for her, and he wants to be so confident to give her a diamond ring, but he can’t look her in the eye and tell her he loves her...he just can’t. Whoaaaaaa. He says he can’t give her a promise he knows he can’t keep, then says he has to tell her goodbye. DeAnna is stunned (as we all are, I think). She tells him she doesn’t understand how he can tell her goodbye, and she asks if he looks at her as a friend. He says no, that he cares about her so much he just can’t give her any false hopes. She says it doesn’t make sense for someone to say they care so much about someone else that they’re willing to let them walk away. She feels the difference between them is she’s sure, but he’s not. He asks if she has any idea how much he cares about her, and she rightfully answers no. I wonder if it’s the toilet seat issue, and she seems to want him so badly (personally I’d prefer her to push him off the altar) I wish I could whisper in her ear to suggest he could leave the toilet sit up anytime. She’s really tearing up now and says this explains why she never wears her heart on her sleeve. He says, “please don’t tell me that,” but how is he expecting her to react exactly? She asks what happens when he regrets his decision, to which he replies he doesn’t know but he has to walk her out now. What? I guess the Fleiss-o-meter is ticking louder in his ear, but that comment seems especially cold to me. Just before she climbs into the limo, he tells her he hopes she leaves knowing how much he cares about her. When she doesn’t reply, he says, “you’re closing me out here, aren’t you?” What an odd thing to say - if anyone is closing someone out, I’d say it was him. He hugs her again, and apologizes, but she’s just stunned. The engine starts up, she climbs in and as the limo pulls away she breaks down. She thinks it hurts more to know he didn’t pick either of them. Half of her is angry, and the other half just doesn’t understand what happened. She says the situation is made all the more difficult because he continually told her she was perfect for him. Remember earlier in the show when she told us someone would have to pick her up off the ground if he rejected her? Well, I do believe we’ve got a clean up on Aisle 12.
The camera pans back to Brad sitting at the base of the Love Altar contemplating the engagement ring that ‘he’ has purchased. I've always joked the only ending that would shock me would be if Chris Harrison was offered a rose...could this finally happen tonight? I wait for Brad to profess his undying love for Chris, but instead it would seem he bought the ring for no one in particular. The Rose lays behind him also untouched and wilting, just like his cold, cold heart (honestly, if he's not feeling it, he's not feeling it - but I do wonder why these guys prefer to string the women up by their toes during the process). He looks to be on the verge of tears and twirls the ring in his fingers. Criminy, at least Sheena got some diamond earrings out of this gig - do Jenni and DeAnna at least get a t-shirt that reads, “I was featured on a Fleiss production and all I got was a broken heart and this lousy t-shirt”?
Join me tonight for the After the Final Rose episode. From previews, it looks like DeAnna and Jenni grill him good on the Rejected Bachelorette Barbeque. I hope they rake him over the coals for all of us. Booyah! Here’s the description of the ATFR, “a season retrospective in which Brad and his lady discuss their romance, and he faces women he didn‘t select.” Who do you think “his lady” is going to be? Let me know in a pm here.
A dozen roses each go to BlondieGal and LuckyLou for the pictures!