Welcome to the Women Tell All episode where we get a glimpse into the true personalities of the ladies, not just the skewed version of them that the Fleissmeister crafts during the regular season. I look forward to this all year, and since Chris Harrison is never snarkier than when he's in these venues, I know we’re in for a good time. In fact now I know why he wasn’t around last week…he was feverishly perusing tapes from earlier in the season looking for just the right catfight-inducing comment or perhaps a particularly embarrassing moment for one of the bachelorettes. That’s my boy, Chris, bring it on! And you know the women have been backstage sharpening their claws and drinking just enough alcohol to throw logic and civility out the window, so let’s get cracking, shall we?
Bitchfest Central Casting
Some of the most memorable women are brought back to the show and for some reason they’ve decided that should include Neckbrace Michelle, who was attended to by the paramedics after falling down the stairs then summarily cut a day or two later. She’s quickly followed by I-Can-Be-Spontaneous-and-Fun-Kristy, Sarah, I’ve-Got-High-Morals-Solisa, Lindsey, Stephy, Malicious McCarten, Blubbering Hillary, Jade, the Ever Lovely Sheena and Haughty Bettina.
Chris opens the show by prompting Jade to admit she was so excited the first night of taping, she pressed her face against the limo window in hopes of catching sight of Bachelor Brad. Is this supposed to be some earth-shattering revelation? Meh, I’m not impressed. Sarah says Brad was exactly her type with the blonde hair and “scruffiness,” and Hillary says Brad is hotter than David Beckham. Now that’s something I can hang my hat on, and I present to you Exhibits A and B.
We’re shown a series of clips of the demure *rolleyes* ladies saying the word “bitch” over and over, and Jade complains about all the fake “boobies” that were present this season. Now seems the perfect time to roll footage of the chicken-cutlet-silicone-thingie that was found on the floor after it escaped from well-oiled Melissa’s bra (because in my mind that’s a classic Bachelor highlight) but for some reason they chose to ignore that. They do focus on Solisa so I suppose the insinuation is that her boobs are fake, but I suspect most of us already came to that conclusion the very first night. Several more clips of Solisa bumping and grinding are shown, which are sorely missing the appropriate sound effects of bow-chicka-bow-bow - obviously someone in the audio department is not doing his job. We're reminded Bettina said she was going to hire Solisa for Brad’s bachelor party, and I wonder when she said it if she was planning the party for her wedding to Brad and if so, did she plan to have her father in attendance at the bachelor party. I laugh at the thought of her dad snapping pictures of Solisa grinding on Brad the night before the wedding in a clever last-ditch effort to keep Brad from invading his icy vampire family.
A series of Hillary moments are shown next including her comparison of divorced Bettina to a used car. She also thought Stephy was immature because she laughed at the “dumbest crap.” She nicknamed McCarten, McNasty and DeAnna, McSkanky, and described “McNasty” as smelling like a fish taco. Hoo boy, that can’t be good. Jade is shown describing DeAnna as “wretched” and Hillary said she was thrilled when McCarten was sent home, because it was one less bitch in the house. I’m not sure how anyone would notice considering none of them are coming across as particularly genteel.
Chris originally told Brad this group of women was some of the calmest, nicest women they’d ever found, and he wonders if Jade knows why or how it denigrated so quickly. She’s not sure but says she loved everyone but DeAnna and McCarten. Chris questions McCarten about why she and DeAnna were considered the bullies in the house, and McCarten thinks it’s because they were more mature than the others, which causes several women to get that “say WHAT?” expression on their faces. McCarten defends herself by saying she’s simply more upfront about personality conflicts than the other women, and she believes it’s far more commendable to say something brash to someone’s face, than to do it behind their back. When Stephy questions her about perhaps not saying anything at all if you can’t say something nice, McCarten dismisses her. Sarah wonders why the women couldn’t be friends with Brad and also with each other, and McCarten snaps, “because I didn’t want to be friends with you, Sarah.” Ouch. To ensure we know she’s a disagreeable hag, she takes it a little further by actually thanking Hillary and Jade for concentrating much of their energy on her - she believes it’s a compliment. All right, America, one positive element to come out of her aggressive spectacle is that we’ve all been forewarned - stay away from McCarten. In the future, I hope men who see her walking down the sidewalk will now pointedly cross the street in order to completely steer clear of her. She’s a poor excuse for a woman who leaves a foul taste in my mouth, and I'm saddened no one saw fit to replay her lame attempt to kiss Brad, only to have him wipe the remnants of it from his mouth and declare it as the Worst. Kiss. Ever! Hmmph.
Cat Scratch Fever
Chris turns his attention to Hillary and says his favorite quote from the entire season was her comment about Used Car Bettina. Hillary cringes and says she just says “witty” things like that and doesn’t mean them to be hurtful. McCarten, thrilled to have the negative attention turned toward someone else, points out how wrong it is to say things like that behind a woman’s back. Oy. Hillary dislikes McCarten so intensely, she’s thrilled to have lasted one week longer than McCarten. Yes, that extra week - those seven whole days or 168 spectacular hours, will make a hell of a lot of difference over a lifetime. Yes indeedy.
Hillary joins Chris in the “hot seat” on stage as they play clips of her excitement about going on the one-on-one date with Brad to San Francisco. As you probably remember, she talked about being an extremely happy woman - this, as tears were streaming down her face. From there, our walk down memory lane moves on to the disastrous group pool date where Brad desperately tried to let her down easy by saying he thought of her only as a friend. But Hillary had had so many glasses of wine sloshing in her stomach and so many dreams of her wedding day floating in her head, she never heard him. Finally they replay her breakdown on the night she was cut. She admits it’s still hard to watch the footage because she fell so hard for him - it’s hard for me to watch due to the uncomfortable shot of her mascara-smeared face. However, when Chris mentions she cried almost every time she was with Brad, she lightly says, “I know…what was that?” She suggests she could have used some PMS medication and wouldn’t have blamed Brad if he had run for the door, hee. She wishes Brad had told her at the pool party that he just wanted to be friends, but Chris isn’t about to let her get away with that. Here's their actual exchange.
Chris: I think he did. (audience breaks out into raucous laughter)
Hillary: He did but I don’t think I was getting it.
Chris: Other than really hiring a skywriter there wasn’t much more he could do.
Hillary: They should have did [sic] that, that would have been great.
Chris: Hillary, we’re friends. [In a high Hillary voice] What? Oh, he’s proposing. How sweet.
Everyone bursts into laughter, and damn, our man Chris is on fire tonight! He says during the six years of taping the show her breakdown was The. Most. Emotional. Ever! She wishes Brad had kept her around one more week so he could have met her family, but basically she feels everything happens for a reason.
Snotty Is As Snotty Does
It’s Bettina’s turn in the hot seat and since she’s been glowering most of the evening I look forward to hearing her views. We see the film of their first meeting, and Brad says she left him breathless. Clips of them at the beach, on the wave runner, etc., are played, culminating in her jealous funk about her “boring” date with Brad on the gondola as compared to Sheena’s glamorous date with Brad when he gave her the diamond earrings. Most of the girls in the house didn’t care much for Bettina, but nothing is as dramatic as her evil-incarnate father whose freakish personality is capable of giving Stephen King nightmares. Chris mentions that the other ladies questioned Bettina’s intentions in the house, especially when she said her gondola date with Brad “sucked.” She doesn’t know quite what to say about that - most likely because what can she say? Chris asks for Sheena’s thoughts on the subject, and she says that she was taken aback by it because she would have been happy sitting in a parking lot on a towel with Brad simply to have time with him. Bettina gives some nonsensical excuse that the dates were “off the chart” elaborate and that’s what she was addressing. Yes, we know. That’s the point, Bettina. She says she was surprised she got a rose after the hometown date (as was I) and was turned off by Brad because he attacked her family. Wha…wait, what? The audience gasps, then reacts with moderate booing. I do believe we have the winner for Most. Delusional. Bachelorette. Ever! It’s clear she’s a nut that hasn’t fallen far from the Condescending Tree that is her family.
Audience Bitchfest Participation
A woman from the audience asks Hillary if it upset her to see how badly Bettina’s family treated Brad since she so desperately wanted him to meet her family. Hillary says it bothered her greatly because she knows her family, being the warm, humanoid, blood-coursing-in-their-veins type of people that they are (unlike Bettina’s), they would have treated him respectfully. Note: I may have paraphrased her comment just a teensy bit.
Another woman wants to know if it was uncomfortable for Bettina to be intimate on the overnight date knowing Brad had overnight dates with the other two women. Chris whips his head in Bettina’s direction, anxious to hear her answer, hee, and when Bettina looks at him as she searches for an answer, he says, “don’t look at me, I wasn’t there,” which brings thunderous laughter from the audience. I’m loving me some Chris tonight! Bettina confirms they hadn’t even kissed until they were in Cabo, and that yes, it was awkward. Alrighty then.
Finally, One Classy Woman Stands Out
Sheena is introduced as a woman who put her heart on the line and is welcomed with warm applause as she takes to the stage with Chris. Her few clips include her moment with Brad’s twin, Chad, when she couldn’t be fooled. Her clips also include a few brief, sweet moments with Brad, but all too quickly we’re at the point when Brad sends her home. Chris wants to know how she felt at that moment and she admits she was devastated and was not expecting it. She still considers her one-on-one date with Brad the most amazing (drink!) romantic date she’s ever experienced. She laughs at herself for falling down the stairs, but graciously adds that everyone falls at one time or another and it simply shows she’s human. The audience shows their love and appreciation of Sheena with wild applause. Although I’m guessing they all sign waivers before coming on the show, I’m convinced had Bettina fallen, her father would have filed a lawsuit before she even hit the ground. Sheena has shown herself to be the only woman who truly deserves to be described as a ‘lady’ tonight. As the others have revealed their inner ugly, spiteful selves, she comes off smelling, well, like a rose. Unfortunately for her, she is a treasured, poised, beautiful rose who just happens to have a lunatic for a mother.
Hey, Did You Know I’m a Twin!
Backstage just for yuks, Brad pushes Chad out onstage but Sheena is once again able to recognize a fraud when she sees one. Personally I don’t think Brad and Chad resemble each other any more than typical brothers, but we’re reminded some of these pinheads were completely fooled, like Lindsey, Sarah and McCarten. Ha.
Chad says it was tough to step into Brad’s shoes and clarifies that when they dressed alike for that episode, it was the first time they had done so in over 34 years. He says without a doubt, Sheena was his absolute favorite and says she exudes class. I'm so enamored with Sheena I catch myself fantasizing about her being the next Bachelorette, but then I recall how much I liked Jen Schefft. That is, until they gave her a platform where she could constantly mug for the camera. I ended up hating her, so perhaps it's best if I just admire Sheena from afar. But I digress. Solisa laughs about how Lindsey was so completely duped by the Chad/Brad trickery, she thought Brad was acting a little differently due to over imbibing, heh. Lindsey goes on to say she did notice he seemed shorter when she hugged him and Chris says, “like maybe he stayed in the dryer too long?” *chortle* Chris is killing me tonight, and I wonder if we’ll be seeing him on the next season of Last Comic Standing.
The Sexiest Bachelor Ever! (Well, Until Next Season, That Is)
Brad is brought out center stage to rousing applause from the audience. He says it’s so good to see all the ladies and he wishes he could hug them all. Hm, Chris doesn’t seem to be shackling him to the chair - could Fless have hired several menacing goons to make sure Brad doesn’t cross an imaginary line? Oh, now I get it - Brad probably fears Hillary would tackle him and drag him off to her lair somewhere offstage. Ahem, moving on, Brad says every single thing about the experience has been just fabulous. Chris points out how Brad agonized about letting each woman go and Brad says it’s because they were all such incredible women. I know he believed that at the time, but I find it hard to believe he's still under that impression after watching the women’s shenanigans from backstage tonight. If he’s got anything going on in that pretty little head of his, he’s got to be thanking his lucky stars these women are no longer in his life.
Hillary addresses Brad saying she does now “get it” that they were just friends (big laughs) but she wishes he was more overt about how he felt. Wow. Chris suggests Brad should tattoo “Just Friends” across his chest and the entire room breaks into guffaws. Brad apologizes if he didn’t make it clear enough and says he thinks more highly of her than she realizes. This elicits a collective “aah” from the audience and they clap wildly to show their approval.
Bettina says he obviously felt judged by her family, and she’s curious why he gave her a rose anyway. Brad lies through his teeth and says for the record, her family was very nice. Hm, for the record, I’m sure that had the camera been at a different angle, we would have seen his fingers crossed behind his back. He adds that he had stronger feelings for her than he did her family, and he wanted to see what would pan out between them. Chris asks why Brad sent her home from Cabo, and Brad responds he wants a life-time commitment (from this show? hahahaha), and he just didn’t feel she was revealing herself to him. I prefer to think she was an icy stone in bed and he couldn't face a future with her.
There's Only One Snarkalicious Ringmaster for this Three Ring Circus
To lighten the mood, Chris introduces clips that Brad hasn’t seen: the girls squealing at the sight of his bare chest and a somewhat sloshed Stephy. Then it’s on to Bachelor Girls Gone Wild with clips of Solisa stripping off her bathing suit top, slapping something pretending it’s Brad’s butt, and her humping and grinding on any stationary object like a rabid dog in heat - all the while she's touting her strong morals and how she's terribly shy. Once again the clip of Hillary’s classic blippity, blip, blip, bleeping monologue is played, and she hides her head feigning embarrassment but we all know she’s laughing right along with us. Snarky Chris doesn’t miss a beat and asks if Brad would like to rethink sending her home, and the audience roars. Booyah! Brad admits he’s considering giving her one of the roses right off the table in front of him, hee.
Chris asks if Brad is happy, and he answers with a resounding yes! He’s very confident sitting here now, that he followed his heart and he has no regrets. Chris pronounces Brad as the Sexiest. Bachelor. Ever! But we all know that title will only last until the next go-round, which is the cue to bring on women from this and previous seasons, to pimp for nominations for next season's Bachelor. Each woman describes her perfect man with a few words, some of which are: worldly, tall, dark, handsome, a smoking-hot guy who has a good sense of humor. Bettina takes one final swipe at Brad with her extended claws by saying her perfect guy will be well-educated. Snap! Dad will be so proud. Blech.
As we’re all aware, next week Brad chooses between Jenni and DeAnna for his
lifetimethree-week lover. He describes Jenni as always smiling and says he can’t keep his hands off her. Jenni says Brad is perfect for her and she looks forward to spending the rest of her life with him - or at least the few remaining weeks until she runs off to join the Phoenix Suns dance team, heh.
Brad describes DeAnna as the full package, and he admires the strength she’s gleaned from losing her mother at such a young age. He says she makes him want to be a better person, and he respects her family values. He thinks she’d be with him until the bitter end (how romantic), and she believes he’s the person she’s meant to be with.
Chris takes a tally from the bachelorettes as to who they think Brad will choose, and the votes come down to six for Jenni, five for DeAnna. And there you have it, folks. I don’t know about you but I’m walking away from tonight’s show with two very distinct impressions.
* All the rejected women are shrews, with the exception of Sheena, and Brad should get down on his knees and be thankful he didn’t choose one of them.
* Chris Harrison is seriously underutilized on this show and needs a better forum (and no, Designer's Challenge isn't it either) to display his snarky, biting wit.
By the way, the show wraps with an odd clip of Jenni wearing some kind of bizarre hair curlers, and dancing to music only she can hear thanks to the earbuds connected to her iPod. I could easily have done without it, and wonder what significance (if any) there is to it that DeAnna wasn’t given equal time. But there are other more pressing questions out there in the universe for me to ponder such as, is Brad sexier than David Beckham? Let me know what you think in a pm here.