This Texas Bachelor season is galloping right along with six bachelorettes remaining to lasso Brad’s heart and drag him back to their homestead for safe keeping. Ever closer to their fairytale ending, the women know the hometown visits are just around the corner. But first they must knock out two more rivals, so let’s get right to the drama because ABC has promised the Biggest. Meltdown. Ever - unless, of course, you count the bachelorette who dry heaved into the bushes several seasons ago. Booyah!
Outta My Way, Girls, He's Mine
The six ladies are obviously arranged on the couches in order of plunging necklines and Chris Harrison approaches, wearing a shirt left over from Michael Richards' days as Kramer on Seinfeld that he clearly dug out of the trash. Chris explains this is their last-ditch effort to convince Brad he needs to meet their folks on one of the four hometown visits. There will be two one-on-one dates, and one group date this week, with no roses up for grabs on any of the dates. Damn, I hope that doesn’t mean the cattiness will be kept to a minimum - heh, like that would ever happen. As Chris exits the room, Hillary leaps to her feet to dig into the first date box. “Let’s have a romantic evening on the water,” reads the card addressed to Bettina. She feels confident there’s physical chemistry between them and as she rummages through the box she pulls out a gondola hat. Kristy reminds everyone that tradition has it, a couple must kiss each time a gondola slips under a bridge. Not surprisingly, Bettina is the only one who is delighted by this news. Further, Deanna is annoyed because she believes Bettina is purposely attempting to remain mysterious/unobtainable in order to catch Brad’s attention. I have to admit, it’s a novel approach for this show since it’s become almost tedious watching women fling themselves at the Bachelor by performing lap dances or checking for tonsils with their tongues. *yawn*
Divorce is a Good Thing, Really!
Brad feels Bettina has the “potential” to become Mrs. Right
Nowbecause she’s beautiful and smart, and he’s hoping she’ll relax a little so he can get to know her true self. Yeah, good luck with that one, you naïve Hans Christian Andersen fairytale boy. They’re whisked away by limo to a starlit picnic somewhere on a dock near you and exchange small talk. A riveting conversation it’s not, but Bettina thanks him for being patient with her. He’s curious how many dates she’s had since the DIVORCE, and she says she’s only dated a little. Her divorce is a reminder that her marriage failed, but she wasn’t satisfied with simply having an 'okay' marriage - she wants to be off-the-charts in love with someone. Gee, I’ve never heard that before. Meh. Pulling the my-divorce-has-made-me-a-better-person-Bevin philosophy, Bettina adds her own spin by implying she’s a bit fragile. Brad tells her he feels she needs a hug sometimes and obliges because he wants her to be okay. He goes on to compliment her beauty, but it’s interesting that his arms are crossed as they chat. Bettina touches his arms, shoulders, and eventually puts her hands on either side of his face as they chat, and although he smiles, he’s definitely not reciprocating by physically interacting with her.
What are You Thinking When You Think That?
The second date box arrives inviting Jenni, Hillary, DeAnna and Kristy to Brad’s house for a pool party. Everyone rejoices except Kristy because, well, that would require some semblance of joy and I’m convinced she was born without the Happy Gene. Sheena is most excited, however, because this means she’ll be going on the one-on-one date later in the week.
With nothing better to do than sit in a jacuzzi with wine in hand, the girls’ conversation floats to the only woman not in attendance - Bettina. Hillary thinks Bettina has Brad fooled, and Sheena believes this is simply a competition to Bettina and she’s only interested in crossing the finish line. (Didn’t everyone say this exact thing about Jenni last week?) Kristy’s convinced Brad will know who is real, and Hillary wonders aloud what he’d be thinking if he chose Bettina. Hm, I’m guessing he'd be thinking he wants to keep her around a little longer. Discuss amongst yourselves.
M-o-v-i-n-g Right Along
Bettina and Brad have graduated from the dock to a gondola at Venice Beach, but unfortunately their conversation hasn’t graduated to an interesting level yet. There is little to no chemistry between these two and they couldn’t look more uncomfortable if they were both sitting in chiffon dresses. Brad gives it all he’s got in an attempt to help her relax, but she’s one tightly-wound cookie. As they cross under the bridges, they exchange kisses by planting tiny pecks on one another's cheek. Later she tells us their relationship may be moving slowly, but it’s definitely moving. Well, compared to a six-ton, moss-covered boulder, maybe.
But Brad is nothing if not patient, and privately he tells us he wants to be there for her and he knows many of his questions won’t be answered tonight, so he’s willing to give her more time.
Do Wet Blankets Swim?
As DeAnna, Kristy, Hillary and Jenni make their way to Brad’s house, Kristy makes the shocking announcement that she’s not a pool person which I'm sure surprises no one. The group runs to the pool and Brad dives in, quickly followed by DeAnna, Hillary and Jenni who simultaneously enter the pool via cannonballs. For hours, there’s squealing, laughing, and screaming as the group enjoys such games as “chicken” and general tomfoolery. All the while Kristy is silently watching from the safety of the edge of the pool, hair still neatly coifed. DeAnna, Hillary and Jenni synchronize doing cartwheels into the pool, and call out to Kristy to join them, but no go. A Slip 'N Slide is set up next to the pool and the girls enjoy sliding along the slippery surface at break neck speed. As Kristy demurely watches, I notice a little notepad sitting next to her. Fortunately, I’m able to zoom in with my x-ray vision to take a peek at what she’s been furiously jotting down:
Things I Refuse To Do by Kristy
* Perform improv.
* Throw caution to the wind occasionally.
* Play on Slip 'N Slide.
* Play anywhere on anything at anytime.
Kristy certainly comes off as a stick-in-the-mud, but Hillary has no problem letting her hair down. She’s enjoying the view of Brad sans shirt and teases him by wriggling her ass at him. She makes sure to be the one on Brad’s shoulders in the pool and tells the cameraman (and us) in graphic detail what she’d like him to do to her. Unfortunately not only are her words bleeped out, but Mr. Pixilator gets overtime this week making sure we aren’t able to read her lips. Damn. What is clear is that she wants Brad. Badly. She tries to come up with a G-rated duty he could perform for her, but she comes up empty-handed, heheh.
She gets a private moment with Brad and lets him know she’s excited just being in his presence. She makes it clear she wants him to meet her family, and compares Brad to her “awesome” dad. She speaks to him at great length about how he’s the answer to all her prayers, then asks what he thinks of her. He gingerly says she’s amazing (drink!) then tacks on about ten other adjectives you might find in any elementary schoolgirl’s journal. In voice-over, Brad tells us he’s not sure he has romantic feelings for her, and to her face he mentions several times that they may be “too good of friends.” Even without the voice-over, it seems pretty clear he’s trying to let her down easy, so I’m somewhat surprised when I realize she doesn’t get it. I wait for Miss-Telling-It-Like-It-Is- DeAnna to run up and rap Hillary on the forehead with her knuckles, shouting, "hello, McFly!" But, no. Hillary comes away from their encounter feeling it’s a good thing he’s so comfortable around her and says his eyes tell her there’s chemistry between them. Uh oh, poor Hillary.
Sheena gets the date box with an invitation that reads, “Tonight, many treasures await you.” Also included in the box is a pair of long white evening gloves and an evening bag. Bettina is the only other woman at the house and she immediately reminds us how young Sheena is (23) and is convinced Sheena doesn’t know anything about marriage. Not like you divorcées, anyway, eh Bettina?
Party On, Dude and Dudettes
The party continues until Brad asks DeAnna to go with him to an area slightly away from the pool. He says it’s been a while since he’s been in the company of a strong woman and he likes being around her. He’s missed her, and they clearly have feelings for each other. He mysteriously says, “however things work out, it will," and DeAnna must have the secret decoder ring because she seems to know exactly what he’s saying. Looking as if he’d like to kiss her, he steals a glance behind him. The others, watching his every move, smile back and Hillary gleefully waves in his direction. He’s definitely frustrated but why he doesn’t slink off with her behind the bushes and lock lips with her already is beyond me. C’mon, be a man. *wink wink*
Later in the day the gang sits around a small table littered with several large wine and beer bottles. Brad grabs Jenni’s hand and the two walk off far away from the others. Hillary’s worried because they could kiss and not be seen, and DeAnna looks pissed. The two lovebirds lay in a hammock swapping DNA with their tongues and he caresses her face. Hillary is upset and wonders why she can’t be tucked away with him. She knows he’s confused about his feelings (I’m not so sure), and says if she were his lover, she’d give him 110 percent. Don’t most stalkers chatter like this just before the restraining order is put into play?
Brad understands the tension between them must be immense and he offers a toast to follow “each of our hearts, not just mine.”
Falling for You
Brad looks forward to having this special evening with Sheena, and recalls that his brother, Chad, whose opinion he values, loved her. He arrives at the mansion casually dressed and greets Sheena and the girls. As they depart in the limo, Sheena asks for a hint of what’s in store for them, but Brad’s not talking. They arrive at a building where six evening gowns are displayed for her choosing. She decides to leave the white dress for some other special occasion *nudge nudge* and settles on a stunning red dress. Brad has also changed into a formal suit and tie and attentively watches as she descends the winding staircase. Visions of Michelle’s stumble down the stairs comes flashing back as Sheena slips near the bottom of the stairs falling into Brad’s muscle-bound arms, landing on her butt. Sheena says she’s embarrassed she fell on her face. Wait. Wha? Fell on her face? I’ve heard the saying you look like an ass, but I’ve never actually known someone who had a face on their ass.
What, No Balloon Animals?
Dinner is set at an intimate table for two which is completely surrounded by thousands of silver and white balloons. I immediately wonder if perhaps Brad’s going to get busy making balloon animals, but he seems to have something else on his mind, and presents her with gorgeous Chopard diamond earrings. He tells her many times that she’s beautiful, and she hopes to get a kiss from him tonight. He asks why she’s unattached and when she says she’s very picky, he worries she’ll kick him to the curb. She assures him that’s not the case, and says she’s also rather shy. He reminds her that Chad loved her and says there’s nothing fake about him (Brad). He points out that he stutters around the ladies, he repeats himself, and he gets nervous just like them. I have to admit, their conversation is so endearing and damn him - I can feel the mortar from my walls of cynicism breaking down. He says he never expected to meet someone as wonderful as
meher and that he’s glad I’mshe’s there with him. They hug and he privately tells us he’s so glad Chad pointed her out. He thinks she’s solid and would make an amazing (drink!) wife to anyone. Just then, violins can be heard, and they stroll over to where an intimate orchestra is playing. They dance, whisper to each other about this wonderful fantasy date, then kiss as the orchestra swells. I’m guessing somewhere close by, an organ is also swelling, heh.
In This Crowd, It’s Not the Cookie Monster You Have to Watch Out For
Bettina and Jenni wait up for Sheena. She shows off the earrings and Jenni appropriately compliments her on them. The Green-Eyed Monster has been busy setting up house in Bettina, however, and she can hardly mask her jealousy. She covets the gown especially, until she hears Sheena gets to keep the Chopard bling. At this point, she can no longer hide her
jealous ragedisappointment and sighs that Sheena’s date sounds much more exciting than her “boring” date. With that, she mopes out of the room dragging her green, forked tail behind her. Sheena and Jenni agree that Bettina should be happy she got a private date with him at all, and Jenni says Bettina is not here for the right reasons. I'd like to know how many are.
Rose Ceremony Night
Brad says he’s “freaking out” because he’s got true feelings for all six women. Yeah, yeah, and you’ll be absolutely torn about who to choose, up until five minutes before the season ends at which time the clouds will part, and the sun will shine brightly creating a halo on the head of the Chosen One. We’ve got it already, ABC. Brad compliments Sheena’s ear bling which causes Bettina to get that green tinge to her skin again. Sheena and Brad steal away in the backyard as she prepares to read a poem she wrote for him. But she’s definitely no Ryan Sutter because her Ode to Brad includes such tear-wrenching phrases as, “the moles that run up and down your arm,” and something about the hair in his ears. Woot! Way to charm him there, Sheena. Brad has a look of slight embarrassment mixed with slight humor, but he does seem to handle the moment in his typical kind, yet slightly dorky, golly gee willikers way about him. He wants to keep it, slips it in his pocket and they share a sweet dance together. Bettina admits to us she’s jealous of his relationships with the other women. Color me shocked.
DeAnna takes advantage of her private moment with Brad to tell him her butt looks good in her dress. He wholeheartedly agrees and adds that her butt always looks good, and says “don’t get me started about your little butt.” Hee. He wants to know if her feelings are real and how she’s handling things moving this fast. She says it’s scary because ordinarily she lays everything out on the line, but she likes feeling her heart pound when she sees him. They agree they’ve had some wonderful times together and when they realize no one can see them, they both decide it’s kissing time. DeAnna tells us she’s found the most perfect thing in Brad which I’m guessing is his tongue.
Getting Down to Messy Business
Bettina, Jenni and Sheena are alone in the house when Jenni questions Bettina about her comment of not being happy about her date. Bettina says oh no, they misunderstood her! She wasn’t saying her date sucked. No…she was…er……she was…joking…you know…like when you’re being sarcastic. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Jenni hopes Brad will see that she’s a different person around him than she is when with the girls.
For now, Bettina and Brad stroll off together and Brad says their date the other night was perfect. She wholeheartedly agrees, and I wait for her nose to grow two feet. She says she knows she warned him about her difficulty with intimacy the other night, but when they are intimate, it will be fabulous! Wow, she's a realtor right? She must be one of those aspiring-actress realtors. She comes right out and tells him she wants his hands all over her, then adds that what she feels for him is deeper than she’s ever felt for anyone before. He is rightfully stunned, and I suspect he’s smart enough not to not trust her words. He makes no attempt to kiss her.
Meanwhile DeAnna, with a mischievous glint in her eye, says she hopes Brad asks if Bettina had fun the other night. Hillary thinks Brad is a good judge of character and therefore he'll be able to see through her.
Speaking of seeing right through people, Brad and Hillary are alone and Brad looks forward to explaining to her once again (like at the pool party) that he sees her only as a friend. He worries, because she doesn’t seem to hear his words. I’m thinking quite possibly it’s due to a lack of oxygen because she’s wearing a dress so snug, and her boobs are compressed so tightly, they’re gasping for air directly under her neck. He begins again saying that he wants to be straight with her - that he senses a friendship in her. But either from ABC’s editing, or his beating around the bush so as not to destroy her ego, it’s difficult to tell if she understands what he’s saying. Then it’s obvious she doesn’t comprehend because she says he can be her best friend as well as her lover and husband. Oy. She prattles on and on, eventually telling us she’ll be walking away with a big smile because she knows he has a strong connection (drink!) with her. She hopes he notices her beautiful (and snug) white dress and hopes it reminds him how she’ll look in a wedding dress. I hope ABC has a professional therapist on the premises, damn.
Chris gives us the Remedial Bachelor Refresher course and reminds us two ladies will leave the show tonight, and the remaining four will take Brad on their hometown family visits. Brad looks forward to embracing their families and lets the ladies know this was a difficult decision, but it’s nothing compared to how tremendously difficult this must be for them. Roses are offered as follows: DeAnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, which means Kristy and an emotionally crushed Hillary are eliminated. Jenni compassionately rubs Hillary’s back, then they all exchange hugs. Kristy sweetly hugs Brad goodbye as Jenni continues to embrace Hillary. Then she walks over to Brad, offering a goodbye hug, and says she’s fine when asked. Once outside, however, she breaks down while talking to us and actually experiences difficulty breathing - unzip that damn dress! She keeps chanting "everything happens for a reason," then gets angry when she recalls Brad telling her she was awesome, fun, and genuine. Brad overhears and steps outside to check on her. They embrace and she says she doesn’t understand why she’s being sent home. He says he’s afraid to meet her family, only to realize they were just meant to be friends. With her mascara streaming down her face she wants him to know she has always (always as in what four weeks?) felt deeply for him and hates leaving without him on her arm. She desperately wanted him to shake her dad’s hand and she agonizes that she's let dad down. Boy, that was tough to witness - I can’t imagine how it feels to have experienced it. *sigh*
But the sun will come out tomorrow for the hometown visits where Jenni will show her ‘moves.’ Sheena’s mom wants to go ring shopping, DeAnna’s family extends a Greek welcome, and Bettina’s dad disses Brad. Booyah! What balloon animals can you make? Let me know via a pm here.