Last week Brad’s twin brother came a-visiting to stir up some Double Trouble by pretending to be Brad, and Bettina made the shocking confession that she’s a divorcée. *gasp* Nine women remain to claw, scratch, bite and lie their way into Brad’s Texan heart so let’s get ready to ruummble, shall we?
While watching the show, has a certain article of clothing ever caught your eye prompting you to wonder where you might find such a treasure? Or have you wondered where you could buy 1,000 flickering candles to place in every nook and cranny of your home just like on The Bachelor? Well shoppers, have I got good news for you. I am armed with oodles of highly-confidential product placement information, and I’ll be disclosing these precious tidbits throughout today's recap. So fill your Waterford Clarendon Amethyst Hock wine goblet with Beringer Alluvium, 2000 (it was a very good year), Knight’s Valley Cabernet Sauvignon and let’s get this party started.
Competing to Win
Getting right to the action, Chris informs the ladies that three dates will be up for grabs this week - a special one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date, where two ladies will go on the date but only one will survive to live another day. The first Date Box invites Jenni for the one-on-one and inside the box is a toy helicopter. Sheena questions whether Jenni is in this to win Brad or to simply win a competition. But who can be bothered with such nonsense because a helicopter flies over the house prompting the women to run outside squealing with delight. As it lands, Brad steps out and holy crap, there’s no denying that a strong physical attraction exists between Brad and Jenni. They immediately hug, exchange a kiss and he runs his hands over her hair several times. Stephy says they’re all insanely jealous of Jenni at this point, and by the looks on their faces I’d say she’s right. Once up in the helicopter, Brad says he feels badly for the women left behind, but Jenni doesn’t and she laughs maniacally. Hillary says watching the two of them makes her sick to her stomach because there’s no denying their sexual chemistry, the thought of which makes her think she just might throw up. You know somewhere behind the scenes, an intern is being sent to the local drug store for a bottle of Pepto Bismol® and/or Mylanta® to cure what ails her, but if you're an avid Bachelor fan, you probably know a large bottle of vino to drown her sorrows might be a better solution.
As the couple takes off for parts unknown, Hillary crawls into Jade’s lap for comfort as she whines that her boyfriend just left with the hottest, sexiest girl ever. Why the other women in the room don't seem bothered by Hillary's indirect slam is beyond me. McCarten nods in agreement and asks if she feels like he’s cheating on her, to which Hillary answers that Jenni is a very sexual woman. It just so happens I know why she’s such a sexual creature - she's using Sprayology: Woman Power, which according to their website, naturally increases sexual vitality. Honestly, ABC is advertising this as one of their featured products - stick with me folks, because I'm in the know. Hillary describes her own date with Brad as not being very sexual (she must not know about the Sprayology), and she worries that he will have a deeper connection (drink!) with Jenni than her. DeAnna looks like she can’t believe the words that are coming out of Hillary’s mouth, and for a moment I think she’s going to laugh out loud, hee. I do notice that even though Hillary is whining and pouting, her skin looks lovely, and that’s probably directly due to the LaLicious Body Scrub she’s been using while on the show.
Up, Up and Away
Meanwhile the sun has set as our lovebirds fly over Los Angeles, and they eventually land on the roof of a skyscraper. There’s an austere table set for two, and I notice the cameraman is careful to exclude getting shots of the air conditioners, vents, water pipes, and other unattractive items you typically see on building rooftops. They are barely seated before Brad begins touting Jenni’s praises, making sure she knows he’s thrilled to be in her company. There is food and wine on the table, but I can’t tell exactly what it is because the cameraman’s main focus is the candles. Why, might you wonder? Well I happen to have it on the best authority that they’re Dirt Candles, and on their website is a picture of Chris Judd as proof that “celebrities love our products.” Hm, since when does Chris Judd qualify as a ‘celebrity?’
Jenni confides to us that she’d love to get The Rose tonight but she also wants Brad to fall in love with her, so she’s trying to stay focused on him. Brad can’t say enough kind words about her and damn, this guy is hooked…line and sinker.
Back at Sour Grapes Manor
The remaining ladies are seated together dishing about Brad and Jenni. DeAnna asks the others what they think is going on right now between Brad and Jenni. Stephy is the only one to voice her thoughts, and they’re so inconsequential, she might as well have kept them to herself - basically she doesn’t know. This riles McCarten, who chastises them saying they won’t be sent to the principal’s office for speaking up. Privately Jade tells us no one speaks to (or in front of) DeAnna or McCarten because they have such McNasty attitudes. Stephy tries to explain to the Dastardly Duo that no one ever wants to answer their haranguing questions because of the way they grill everyone. Jade and DeAnna particularly go at each other with Jade keeping Mr. Pixilator extra busy distorting her mouth so we can’t make out her non-PG13 language. When Jade demands DeAnna and McCarten stop interrupting her, DeAnna announces, “the floor is yours,” to which Jade refuses to continue saying, “I’m done.” Ah, good times. But gee, their lounging clothes sure look comfy and you can find them here.
The RoseBrad is Most Important to Me
They finish their meal, retiring to a couch set up on the roof. Jenni is wearing Brad’s Staying-Alive-white dinner jacket and Brad lays a blanket over her bare legs. He says he’s obviously attracted to her and doesn’t want to say goodnight. Then adds he’d like to see her tomorrow, too, so she suggests she could come along on his next date. They laugh together and he runs his hand along her face once again. They passionately kiss and just might be needing another product supplied to ABC…something called Just In Case, which is a pink lubricant, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Brad points out The Rose and says he’s been waiting to spend more time with her since he gave her the very first rose, which she admits she still has. He’s surprised to hear this, and she further acknowledges she’s saved all the roses he’s given her. Brad wonders aloud if she’s too good to be true, then offers her The Rose. She accepts it falling backward into the couch enthusiastically drinking in it’s smell. Brad begs her to come back into his arms and they kiss like long-lost lovers.
Back at the mansion Jade has a tight grip on the next date box which invites Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Kristy and Stephy on the group date. Included in the box is a card that reads, “nothing is sexier than a woman’s laugh…show me yours.” Jade and DeAnna can’t be bothered spending any amount of time thinking about the group date, however, because they now know it’s the two of them who will be going on the two-on-one date…and they hate each other, which can only mean one thing to those of us watching at home. We need to refill our wine glasses because the real show is just about to begin. Woot!
I Can Be Fun and Sexy! Really I Can!
Brad arrives in a double-decker bus, picks up the ladies and they drive to the Comedy Sportz, an improv comedy club in Los Angeles. Once there, they discover they’re not to be entertained, but performing on stage themselves. Not surprisingly our Funkitten Kristy says she wanted to cry when she heard this. Two nondescript improv comediennes encourage our group to act like monkeys and chickens and they look as ridiculous as Kristy feels. Various props are provided and one by one the ladies make silly remarks about them, including Bettina who used a party hat like a megaphone and yelled, “I love you, Brad!” Later she tells us she embarrassed herself because she meant what she said. The most humiliating moment was watching them pretend to be dogs and beg for a date with Brad. It’s hard enough for me to watch, but I also think I saw a little mange (or it could have been a pimple) on McCarten which she could cure with a Zeno Acne Kit from Sephora. Hillary feels she rocked the exercise, though, and came alive when she pretended to be a cheerleader. She thinks she’ll get The Rose, and I have to admit she’s never looked cuter with her hair in high pigtails - she should consider doing this more often. Kristy’s act falls flat, complete with chirping crickets, which embarrasses her enough to produce tears. Good grief, the one product ABC should be supplying by the truckload is Midol® - are all these ladies PMS’ing? Brad tries to comfort her saying he wouldn’t be good at this either but she insists she’s only crying because it’s important he see her ‘fun side.’ Psst, Kristy, you’re not doing so well in that arena, kiddo. As Brad and Kristy have their moment, the ladies are concerned Brad will give The Rose to Kristy to cheer her up. Stephy warns she’ll smack Kristy up side the head with it if he does, heheh.
Brad tells them all it’s tough to decide who should get The Rose and mentions that Hillary stole the show. But then adds he wanted to give it to someone who was a little more intimidated by the situation than most, but still had fun with it - Bettina. Hillary is crushed, and delusional Bettina says she can envision she and Brad having a great life together.
Skyrockets in Flight Doesn’t Always Mean Afternoon Delight
Jade and DeAnna’s date box arrives warning at the end of the evening one of them will be Brad-less or more importantly in some of their eyes, rose-less. The two women pack their Hartmann luggage in preparation for their potential departure. Jade has never looked more beautiful on the outside, but when she says she’s sure Brad will see that DeAnna is “wretched,” it’s obvious she’s still ugly on the inside. DeAnna isn’t about to be outdone by Jade, though, and snips that she’s much more mature than Jade and is a much more compatible partner for Brad. ABC was smart putting these two together on one date - it certainly cuts down on the money they might otherwise have spent on fireworks. The two of them sit almost back to back each ignoring the other in the limo. Brad says tonight is the most difficult date he’s ever had, and he doesn’t look forward to sending one of them home. Gah, somehow I think he’ll pull through. He hugs them and lets them know he’s looking for Mrs. Right, then asks how they would feel about moving to Austin. Jade begins answering first, but before she can complete the sentence that she’d have no problem with it, DeAnna interrupts saying she’d love to move. Jade counters by telling Brad she moved to Canada once to be with someone, but again DeAnna interrupts saying she moved to Nashville after graduating high school. These little moments are akin to sparklers but you can tell the women are definitely building up to something more powerful. DeAnna states that she’s looking for a man who is honest, genuine, believes in God and wants to get married and have children. Jade sits quietly, shooting daggers DeAnna’s way, and I do believe we’ve got some bottle rockets readying for lift-off. Brad points out how independent DeAnna is which she says stems from her harsh childhood. Jade interjects that she’s independent, too, and began working by the time she was 16. Once again DeAnna interrupts, upping the ante by crisply stating she began to work at 14. Brad looks like he’s watching a tennis match the way his head is darting back and forth as each woman vies for his attention, and ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we have a full-scale skyrocket explosion. Zow!
Finally Brad and Jade go off alone and Jade is thrilled to have Brad to herself. She admits when she’s under a lot of pressure or feeling threatened, she clams up. Brad tells her she’s not giving herself enough credit - that he doesn’t see her as quiet and reserved, but thinks she’s confident and beautiful. I suspect they’re just words, though, because compared to Jenni, I see zero chemistry between these two.
Gee, We’ve Known Each Other Six Weeks Already and Haven’t Had a Fight Yet! Let’s Get Married!
McCarten asks the ladies how they would feel to be engaged after six weeks, and Hillary says if he asked her today she’d say yes. Jenni agrees. I suspect they’ve been hitting their Boot Leggers Hip Flasks because they’re talking the crazy talk that only several flasks of bourbon can bring. As only a worldly woman who’s been married before can, Bettina calls them on their daydreams saying they have no idea how serious it is to be married. Hillary asks her to elaborate and Bettina admits she was married once before. The women are clearly stunned. Hillary privately tells us if she was Brad, she would never date someone who’s divorced and compares Bettina to a used car, saying he’ll have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she still works. If Bettina is a used car, I’d say she’s some luxury model with obviously low mileage because she’s lovely.
One Down, Two to Go
DeAnna takes advantage of her private Brad time and says she typically doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve, but she feels a connection (drink!) with him and doesn’t want to leave
the showhim. She says she welcomes the chance to fall in love with him, and knows he’s going to do what his heart tells him. She just hopes it tells him to choose her. Whoa baby, it looks like that’s all Brad needs to hear, and I’m guessing Jade is outtahere.
Either these Bachelors lead pretty easy lives, or they simply haven’t made a lot of decisions in life before coming on the show, because once again Brad says having to choose one of these ladies to send home is one of the most difficult decisions he’s ever had to make. He tells Jade he feels he’s gotten to know her true self in a short amount of time, but admires DeAnna’s strength. He says he’s giving the rose to the woman he feels he has a true connection (drink!) with…DeAnna. Jade is crushed as she watches them hug. Brad walks her downstairs, helps wipe away her tears and she tells him he’s a wonderful guy. Back at the mansion, since Hillary’s other love, Jade, is away, she’s snuggled up with Stephy when a man walks in to get Jade’s luggage. The ladies run to the door and watch him walk off with her belongings. I certainly hope he's employed by the show and not just some opportunist walking around the neighborhood.
Jade is heartbroken and says she understands Brad has to stick with who he feels connected to but she was hoping he could see how fake DeAnna is, and she regrets letting her conflict with DeAnna interfere in her quest for Brad. Meanwhile Brad and DeAnna climb in the hot tub for some heavy-duty kissing, and thank God the camera slowly pans away.
The Pre-Rose Ceremony Crying Party
The ladies are dressed to kill (with any luck, it may come to that, heh) and Kristy points out they’re all more somber tonight. DeAnna says she feels like they all think they have her boyfriend. She tells us she’s not here to make friends *rolleyes* and none of them are going to want to come to her wedding anyway when she marries Brad. Well now. Meow, hissss!
On that happy note, Brad enters the room and tries to spark some enthusiasm into the lifeless party. Kristy takes him aside and tries to explain again that she can be fun, dammit! Brad cuts to the quick and says he thinks she’s very much a lady but he worries he may not be as refined a man as she’d like. We don’t get to hear her response.
Next up is Sheena’s private conversation and she jokes about her moment just before the ceremony last week with his brother. Brad says Chad was really impressed with her, and she puts in one last bid that she’s honored to be there and as she fights back tears (more Midol®, please) she assures him she is there for him.
Taking turns saying one word at a time, Kristy, Bettina, DeAnna and McCarten ask Brad which woman he kissed first. He definitely feels put on the spot but honestly answers "Jenni." They also want to know if it was on the beach date, and he answers yes. Bettina tells us she’s concerned because Jenni speaks only about the experience as a competition and she feels Jenni is forgetting that it’s about a relationship. She then calls Jenni a slut, and when DeAnna ponders the fact that Jenni said she got her first kiss just the other night, Bettina corrects herself and calls Jenni a “slut and a liar.” Ouch. So much for Bettina being a lovely woman - her polish is tarnishing by the minute here. DeAnna arches one of her finely tweezed eyebrows and in case you’re wondering how she gets that perfect arch, it just so happens I know she uses Tweezerman Tweezers.
Now that the group is armed with this juicy Jenni info, they confront her, wanting to know if he kissed her or vice versa. She says he kissed her. Bettina is doing her best to destroy what little class I thought she may still be clinging to, by continuing to dig at Jenni. DeAnna asks McCarten who she thinks will be going home and when McCarten says she doesn’t know, DeAnna waves her rose in McCarten’s face and says, “not meeee.” Frankly out of all of them, Jenni is coming across as the only one with any redeeming qualities, and as the others stew in their venom, she’s outside, kissing Brad, heheh.
McCarten steals Brad away, and I worry she’s going to slap him silly for not including her kiss in the earlier discussion, but in his defense, I’d be trying to forget it ever happened, too. She tears up (not another one, oy) and says since she’s been cheated on before, so she has trouble letting her guard down. She says she doesn’t like being put second, and certainly doesn’t like competing for someone. Wait, what the hell? How was she not clear that that’s exactly what this show is all about. She tells us sharing Brad is not okay, and at this point she’s not even sure she wants to get a rose anymore. I’ll remind her of that when she breaks down in tears after he cuts her loose in about five minutes.
The Rose Ceremony
DeAnna, Jenni and Bettina already have roses which means two ladies will be going home tonight. Brad says it’s obvious things are more serious. He feels lucky to get closer to finding a wife (yeah, right) and with that he hands out roses in the following order: Kristy, Sheena and Hillary, which means Stephy and McCarten will be going home. Stephy gives a gracious exit interview, then turns her back to the camera so as not to let us see her cry. McCarten thought Brad could have been the father of her children (oy), but her heart’s been broken before and she thinks she’s the most emotional right now… But her tears make it so she can’t finish her sentiment. This is where normally I’d remind her she just said she wasn’t sure she wanted a rose, but she’s so upset, I guess I’ll let it slide - because I'm cool like that.
Back to the love circle, Brad offers a toast for everyone to follow their hearts and fall in love. I’m not sure if he’s saying they should all fall in love together, but that would be a pretty nifty situation for him if he can convince the ladies to go along with it. Of course keeping five women satisfied on Valentine’s Day alone could kill him.
Next week, Bettina really steps up her game in trying to capture Brad’s heart and Sheena takes a turn stumbling down the stairs like Michelle. Oh, and Hillary has a breakdown when leaving the show. Good times! If you think any of the ‘ladies’ are still being shown in a good light, let me know via a pm here.