Did you know that Brad Womack is The. Sexiest. Bachelor. Ever? It’s true, because Chris Harrison says so at least 13 times each episode, and Chris should know because he’s witnessed each and every Bachelor who has shown up with a wine bottle in his hand and a smile on his face including Fat Bob who was funny but then morphed into Skinny Bob who was so not funny. But enough about those who came before Brad. Our Sexiest. Bachelor. Ever. is down to 12 *cough*ladies*cough* and tonight Chris promises the “most shocking party in Bachelor history.” Say it with me now, “ooooooooh.” Before we begin, however, I have to ask…what’s up with ABC discontinuing pictures on their website? Do they think that will stop me from posting pics in my recaps? Oh ho…they would be wrong (although I'm still learning about sizing them, so please be patient with little ol' me). We’ve got the best sleuthers in the nation who will keep me supplied with good material, so take that you ABC slackers. *pffbbtt* Long live the FoRT sleuthers!
All the ladies are lined up on the couches as Chris informs them there will be two group dates and one individual date this week. One rose will be up for grabs on each group date. There will also be the possibility of a rose being offered on the one-on-one date, but there’s a risk…if Brad does not see fit to offer the rose, that woman will be sent home. Chris points out the date box then once again scampers off before the ladies rip into his skin as they clutch at the box. McCarten reads the card and the invitees are as follows: Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Inside the box are clown noses, popcorn and a card that mentions “the greatest show on earth” so everyone assumes they’re going to the circus. You can’t put anything past these whiz kids.
Note: I hate the animal acts in circuses and always have. I don’t find anything amusing about hauling animals around the country, ‘training’ them to perform silly stunts for our ‘entertainment.’ ‘Nuf said.
Under the Big Top of Scrutiny, Part I
Everyone piles into the limo with Brad and he promises there will be much participation at the circus. Damn, I wish Solisa was on this date because I’d love to see her sharing body shots with a lion. Or how fun would it be to see McCarten getting blasted out of a cannon? That would be pretty sweet, too, heh. First on their agenda is to feed loaves of bread to an elephant, and when Sarah gets too close, it basically says, “pfffbbt” and blows elephant snot at her, heheh.
Then it’s off to the Big Tent and the ladies get an opportunity to clown around, har, har, (sorry). They balance on a large ball and walk a tightrope six inches off the ground with two clowns helping them balance...and by two clowns I don’t mean Brad and Chris Harrison, but two actual clowns…you know rubber noses and all. The girls think this is great fun and Jenni gets an opportunity to show off her mad skillz by doing several handsprings. This sparks Brad’s imagination and the two of them steal away for some private time. They reminisce about their kiss last week, then Jenni mentions she has another year of dance with the Phoenix Suns and wonders if she were to be the last girl standing, would he be willing to work with such a condition. He says if their feelings are true, things will fall into place, then asks if she wants to be the last girl. Jenni’s a smooth operator and says she doesn’t want to be the last girl, she wants to be the girl he falls in love with. They end the conversation with a kiss and her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. She’s smooooth, but I almost expect Brad to say, “Jenni…I…I…can’t…breathe. ”
Stephy spends her quality time with Brad touting the wonderful qualities of dear ol’ Dad and says she wants to marry someone just like him. I know this is meant to be a terrific compliment for her father, but I always get creeped out when women swoon about finding a husband just like their father. I loved my dad and love my husband, but I certainly don’t want to be looking into my husband’s eyes and seeing my dad staring back at me. *shudder* She then confesses she hasn’t had a date in five years. Go figure.
Not one to mix words, Sarah comes right out and asks Brad when he’s going to offer The Rose but he’s not about to have her calling the shots and says he isn’t ready. He pokes fun at her for putting him on the spot and everyone laughs, but just like the tears of a clown, you know the women secretly are tortured by the wait.
Just before the circus begins, the group learns they’ll be participating in the show and they squeal with delight. A clown is clearly reading a cue card from ABC when he introduces our clown, Brad, as the “sexiest bachelor...yet.” I notice he’s added a ‘yet’ to the phrase, which basically means, “Brad is the sexiest bachelor...so far,” which is interesting because it certainly leaves plenty of room for the next guy. Anyway with the girls flanking him, Brad comes out center stage to start the show. He tells us he feels like “that kid from Titanic.” Pssst, Brad, that ‘kid’ would be Leonardo DiCaprio. In the middle of the show, Brad feels compelled to learn more about McCarten and they steal away to a private room. He’s not sure if he feels a friend-vibe coming from her and she assures him she’s not friendly. Or something like that, heh. But she also adds if she feels they’re connecting (drink!) she won’t be needing the security of a rose today. When he mentions how refreshing that sentiment is, she panics and says for him not to get her wrong, she would love to have it. So much for nonchalance. McCarten compares dating Brad to tightrope walkers…some people need a net, and some people don’t. And some people when tanning, need to take the straps down on their bikini tops, McCarten. I'm just saying.
Non-Circus-Theme Subtitle Here
The next date box arrives and a giddy Hillary reads that she’ll be going on the one-on-one date. Inside the box is a sexy black dress, a toy trolley car and some Ghirardelli chocolates. These scholars deduce she’ll be going to San Francisco.
Under the Big Top Scrutiny, Part II
Back at the circus, our friends are brought back onstage, this time to perform some silly skits with the rest of the clowns, then once back in the stands, Brad presents The Rose to Stephy. She thinks he’s wonderful and can’t believe she got The Rose in front of the entire circus audience. It looked to me like no one even noticed, but I guess a girl’s got to tell herself some lies to get through this Bachelor hell.
Tears of a Clown
A spiffed-up Hillary tells us she can’t wait to be the first girl to be kissed by Brad (heheh, not quite, Hill) and even wants to add a ‘neener, neener, neener’ when she returns to the house to taunt the others. In a small way it’s refreshing to see one of the gals feel self confident, and Brad is particularly looking forward to the evening because Hillary is so much fun to be around. She leaves us with the promise that she’s going to be flirty and sexy. Hooboy, best of intentions…
As soon as Brad arrives, Hillary steps into the room and he’s lost for words at her beauty. He says he has a surprise for her, and when he opens a box, Hillary jumps back three feet. From her reaction, I expect one of those circus snakes to come springing out, but it’s actually earrings and a necklace worth $1 million that she can borrow for the evening. By the looks of the other ladies in the room, I do believe they’d love to get their hands on that necklace...and strangle Hillary with it.
Via a private plane, Hillary and Brad fly to San Francisco for dinner and other surprises. Mr. Rose and I have actually spent an evening just like this. Well, not ‘just’ like this. Years ago a coworker/friend of mine was our company pilot, and he and his girlfriend and Mr. Rose and I flew to San Francisco for dinner, returning home the same night. Only there was a problem - I had a cold at the time, and while in midair, I felt like my eyes were going to explode right out of my head and splatter on the seat back in front of me. Nice visual, eh? See? Flying in a private plane isn’t all romance and splendor. You’re welcome.
After landing, they end up in a private room for dinner without any windows. What the hell good is this? They may as well be in a private room at a Los Angeles Waffle House, right? But they’re having a terrific time drinking and eating, when suddenly Hillary turns into an emotional basket case. Tears well up in her eyes, and she begins to stammer that she’s waited a long time to fall in love…she wants to be married, and although she keeps assuring him she’s not an emotional girl and that she’s fine, she’s whimpering, on the verge of tears and needs to continually dab at her eyes to keep black mascara streaks from running down her cheeks. Also a vein is throbbing in the middle of her forehead as she’s truly caving under the Bachelor pressure. Either that, or she needs to lay off the wine, because this girl is a wreck. If this is what she calls flirtatious and sexy, then I’d be calling for check, please. But for whatever reason, Brad says he likes seeing her emotional side and rewards her by giving her The Rose. Oh, Brad, you’re setting a bad precedence here…be prepared for the waterworks to really spring forth from here on out. Eek.
They top off the evening by stopping by the Ghirardelli chocolate factory for an ice-cream sundae (now we’re talking). I notice Brad flips his glass before filling with ice cream…aw, he’s still got his bar skillz. They kiss and Hillary tells us she wants him to send the others home and choose her on the spot. I check my watch, and yep, she’s right on time. Every season we hear this same sentiment right…about…now!
More Clowning Around
The second date box arrives inviting Kristy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina and Solisa on a sailing adventure the following day. The thought of their future date can’t entertain them for long, however, and in her absence, they dish the dirt about Hillary. DeAnna outright says she doesn’t expect (or want) Hillary to return and McCarten announces the ever-popular “I’m not here to make friends.” I’m not quite sure what that statement has to do with whether Hillary gets The Rose from Brad, but whatever. Basically there are those who don’t want her to return simply because there will be one less lady to compete with, and those who most likely feel the same, but don’t have the chutzpah to say it.
A Three-Ring Circus on a Sailboat
Brad and these lucky ladies will be spending the day on a 100-foot sailboat and as soon as they’re on deck they take off for parts unknown. Kristy and Brad steer the boat together and she takes the opportunity to show him her ‘fun’ side. Before we cut to a commercial, Chris asks, “does Solisa go too far?” Hmm, that’s odd. I thought Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader was a Fox show, so why is Fleiss advertising for it? Really, who doesn't know the answer to this question? It’s a given, ABC.
The alcohol has been flowing all day and by late afternoon the women are gyrating around dancing to music. Solisa takes it a step further by actually giving Brad a lap dance, and she must be tanked up. I say this because how in the hell can she not notice Brad is doing everything humanly possible to not look at her. The more she leans in on him, the more he leans backward, and keep in mind, he’s sitting on the edge of the boat. I figure if she gets too out of hand, he can simply escape her clutches by falling into the ocean. Eventually she turns around and shakes her ass right in his face and tells us, “I started shaking my butt really fast because it’s the only thing I know how to do.” Trust me, Solisa, we know. We know.
There’s Always the Creepy Evil Clowns That Lurk Around
The jealous women are tanning by the pool and Hillary asks if anyone was hoping she didn't return last night. McCarten and DeAnna raise their hands, which seems to stun Hillary. To retaliate she says she and Brad joined the mile-high club on the plane and that he professed his undying love to her. These are classy women to be sure.
Is There A Ringmaster Onboard?
Sheena confesses that she can be competitive, so when she and Brad get on individual wave runners, she’s up for kicking some Brad ass. They proceed to do donuts around each other until she dangerously cuts Brad off which catches the eye of the Coast Guard. They approach and must do a pretty decent job of chastising her (off camera) because she is understandably embarrassed and lays low on the boat for a while. This gives Bettina a chance to go for a spin with Brad on his wave runner, which if you ask me, is the only way to flirt on a wave runner. Attagirl, Bettina, sit behind him, wrap your arms tightly around his massive manly chest, smell his manly scent, tighten your legs to his, feel the warmth of his body…oh, er, ah, sorry, I forgot where I was for a minute there. Heheh. Back to lovely Bettina, she tells us she fell in love on a wave runner, and swoons, hee.
The two of them go below deck where Brad lets her know he’s very attracted to her. He then asks about her past relationships and she replies she’s never cheated on a man. It is here she finally gets the nerve to admit she’s divorced (gasp!) and adds that they were only married for a year. Brad is stunned. Bevin went through this same scenario last season, but you know, Fat/Skinny Bob was divorced, and I don’t remember everyone recoiling in horror when they found out. Could this be a gender thing? Harrumph.
The group is reunited on the deck of the boat, and the sun is beginning to set when Brad presents The Rose to Kristy. He enjoyed seeing her fun side but Bettina looks particularly hurt. I notice Jade giving her typical sideways dagger-eyed smirk and for a moment I wonder who the hell she is. Has she been here the entire day? Cripes, she certainly kept a low profile, so much so, I forgot all about her. Bettina worries that Brad is put off by her divorce and frets that she won’t get a rose during the ceremony.
Send in the Clowns
Brad needs to cut three ladies tonight which is just way too much for one man to bear, don’t you know. Enter stage right, his alter-ego, identical twin brother, Chad. Brad and Chad. Oy. I bet Mom dressed them in matching outfits until they were old enough to put a stop to it - you know, like two years ago. The bro’s are relishing in their twin-ness and since Brad helped find Chad’s wife, he’s hoping his brother will return the favor. I’ll admit that these brothers look quite similar, but I have no problem telling them apart, so it humors me to hear that ABC has cooked up a scheme to have Chad pretend to be Brad around the ladies and see if anyone notices.
While they’re in the limo on the way to the ladies mansion (oh the irony, in order to pull off the prank, they need to dress alike), Brad tests his brother on each of the ladies’ characteristics. Chad must have had the CliffsNotes on the flight to Los Angeles because he seems to have their vitals memorized. Brad will be staked out in the limo with a live feed so he can watch Chad’s every move with the ladies (he’s got to keep him in line, you know). Brad believes if they don’t realize it’s Chad, it isn’t true love. I believe if they don’t realize it’s Chad, they’re dumbasses. One by one the ladies meet privately with Chad:
McCarten - notices he’s a little more giggly tonight, but has no clue she’s not talking to Brad.
Lindsey - absolutely no idea. D’oh.
Sheena - immediately picks up on the fact that his voice is different and he doesn’t have the patch of blonde hair on his ear like Brad (isn’t Brad too young to have ear hair?).
Kristy - there’s no fooling this one. Within seconds she knows he’s not Brad and asks if he’s a twin.
Bettina - follows in Kristy’s footsteps and also quickly busts him.
DeAnna and Stephy - They’re together for some reason and they both figure it out with Stephy saying, “either Brad is wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk.” Best line of the evening, Stephy. Hee.
Sarah - although Sarah feels things are a little different between them, she thinks it's because she's not her usual chatterbox or because he’s more relaxed tonight.
Oddly, we don’t see the reactions of Jenni, Solisa, Hillary or Jade. Everyone gathers together and Chris enters the room with Chad. He delights in announcing that some may have noticed Brad hasn’t been himself tonight (yuk, yuk), and the reason is…then Brad enters. Lindsey is downright shocked. DeAnna hopes the fact that she caught on will endear her to Brad.
Chris loves being in on the prank but wonders if Chad’s going to be in trouble (for hanging out with the beautiful women) with the old ball and chain waiting at home. He asks if Brad learned anything about the ladies from the experiment and I'm thinking yes, we learned some of these gals are senseless. But sweet, knuckle-headed Brad is simply happy some of them figured it out right away.
Hillary, Stephy and Kristy stand with roses in hand from their earlier dates which leaves a total of six roses for tonight. Brad says he’s relying on his heart and passes out roses as follows: Sheena, McCarten, Jenni, Jade (who?), DeAnna, and the final rose goes to Bettina. Lindsey, Solisa and Sarah say goodbye to everyone. Sarah believes the "twin-thing" threw her off. Solisa is confused because she's "sure Brad saw my special parts since I wear them on the outside." Trust me, Solisa, he knows all about your ‘special parts,’ as do we all. Let’s review. We saw them last week when you stripped at the beach. And when Brad was doing the body shots off you, he couldn’t have seen your special parts any clearer with an eye loop. Add to that the lap dance with the extra-special ass-in-the-face step, and yep, I'd say we're all quite familiar with your purchased special parts, thankyouverymuch. Lindsey refuses to cry over something that’s not there, then begins to cry as she goes off camera. I have to admit, as ditzy as she was at times, her broken heart makes me tear up a little for her. Damn you, Lindsey! *shakes fist*
As Brad and his lovelies toast, he assures them his intention tonight was pure (and Fleiss created, I’m sure). Next week love is in the air when Jenni and Brad take a helicopter ride (hm, like Tessa and Dandy Andy?) For some strange reason, the ladies perform silly improv which prompts Kristy to feel ridiculous. Imagine that. Also, Jade and DeAnna, who hate each other, go on a date together with Brad. Sweet! In the outtakes we learn the women have nicknames for each other. McCarten is known as McNasty and DeAnna is known as McSkanky. Yeah baby, good times! You can bet I'll use those in the future. *wink*
So, who believes this is the first time these two fellas have pulled the old switcheroo on a lady? Let me know via a pm here.
And a dozen red roses go to ArmedNDangerous for the screencaps. Many thanks.