Last week we met Texas millionaire Brad Womack and watched as some of the women, desperate for attention, wriggled their hineys at him or wrapped their legs around their heads. These ladies make this season of The Bachelor look like an E! True Hollywood Story, so keep in mind the term ‘lady’ is subject to interpretation. Let’s see how many ‘ladies’ are still standing (upright, sober with dignity still intact) at the end of the evening.
Has anyone heard if Donald Trump has become an interior decorator? I ask because the house is decorated with furniture and accessories in the Louis XV-meet-Frankenstein style he seems to favor. The room in which the women are gathered is gaudy, showy, tawdry…hm, now that I think about it, it’s the perfect décor for this crowd, heheh.
Chris Harrison, all spiffed up in his starched, open-collared, black and white stripe shirt, explains how the dates will be handled. There will be two group dates this week, and as usual there will be one rose up for grabs on each date. Whoever receives the rose will be safe at the Rose Ceremony. Mr. Obvious points out the Date Box, which is as conspicuous as the garish ornate mirrors plastered all over the purple walls. He then darts out the door before the women trample him in the rush to open the box. Everyone squeals with delight when they see the large red hats in the box. But hey, aren’t they a little young to be in the Red Hat Society? Oh I get it, Brad is taking them to the Del Mar Racetrack for a day of liquor and gambling, booyah! The invitees are Erin, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade and DeAnna. They primp then climb into the limo and meet up with Brad who is waiting for them at the racetrack. In his adorable, smooth-as-silk Texan twang he says they look beautiful and he passes hugs around. He looks forward to gambling, and
heABC passes out cash to the ladies. Brad is interested to see how they spend it because he feels you can tell a lot about someone by the way they handle money. That is so true. I once saw a man holding a $10 bill mumbling, “preciousssssss, my sweet preciousssssss,” and it told me more than I cared to know about him.
Back at the mansion, the ladies are running around in bikinis and you can bet the cameramen won’t be calling in sick while this show is airing. The next date box arrives and is filled with beach towels, beach toys (you mean they’ll need something other than Brad to play with, heheh), and new bikinis to go around. Solisa, with her boobs featured prominently upon her chest and the ever-present cocktail in her hand, declares they’ll be getting the far better date because the racetrack ladies are fully clothed in dresses whereas they’ll be running around the beach in teeny bikinis. I’m surprised no one mentions they’ll be able to gaze upon Brad’s manly muscles since he’ll be in trunks, which is no small matter in my opinion, heh.
While the liquor is being doled out in the kitchen and the ladies are having a wild time, screams come from the stairs in the other part of the house. Sheena races to discover Michelle at the bottom of the stairs, having fallen. I was hoping Dandy would come running through the front door to assess her injuries, but I guess he’s not hanging around the grounds anymore. The paramedics arrive, put a neck brace on her, get her stabilized on a backboard and cart her off in an ambulance. I have three titanium plates in my neck so I’m not one to take falls lightly, but I do have to wonder if those massive implants of hers don’t make going downstairs a bit of a risk. Just a thought.
A Day At The Races
Having exhausted the what, $20 each, ABC coughed up for betting on the track, our group ventures over to the stables with carrots in hand. Carrots are great for the horses, but I’m guessing the ladies would much prefer to have karats in their hands. However, they're still several weeks away from being able to claim that prize. Everyone seems to be having a terrific time, but Hillary is clearly not one to mess with because she wants to grab the rose, and says if anyone runs after her, she’ll kick them in the shins. Ouch. She and Brad walk off together, and the others spy on them with binoculars. Jade is not happy watching Hillary put her arm around Brad and is worried she'll get The Rose.
Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers walks into the room with gifts for the ladies…t-shirts emblazoned with ‘Chargers’ on them. Looks like someone was up all night with a Bedazzler. Just place, push and pop, right Shaun? *wink wink* He’s a cutie and apparently possesses some magical powers for peering into a woman’s soul because within about five minutes, he determines DeAnna (who mysteriously has become DeeDee) and McCarten are the two best girls there. Wow. He didn’t even need to see how they handled money - I hope Brad took notes.
Michelle calls to inform Brad about her fall, and says she has a mild concussion. Although he seems troubled by the news, McCarten doubts Michelle has a concussion because she is able to use the phone, afterall. I can only compare Erin’s reaction to a sneer you’d see on Cruella DeVille, but mostly they're concerned with how Michelle got his phone number. Do any of you at home question how Michelle got his phone number? Pfffft, these fools are amateurs. What I want to know is how long it took Fleiss and Crew to snatch the phone out of Michelle’s hand after Brad hung up.
McCarten can't waste any more time on Michelle sympathy so she steals Brad for some quiet time. She really wants a rose and although Brad doesn’t have a drink with him (she has a glass of wine) she proposes an imaginary toast with him to their perfect date. As he’s right in the middle of an awkward sentence, she plants a closed-mouth kiss on his lips, which he immediately wipes off with his hand. She calls him on it, and he searches desperately for something to say, but doesn’t quite succeed. Later he tells us it was a lousy kiss and if there is a next time, he hopes it goes better. Ow, that’s got to sting McCarten, and I hope someone did a welfare check on her after the show aired.
DeAnna aka DeeDee
As the sun begins to set, Brad and DeAnna/DeeDee sit alone on the rooftop. They’re enjoying what seems to be a meaningful conversation, part of which we witness. DeeDee says her plan for the show is to be herself - if he likes her great, if not, she’ll go home, hang out with her dog and family, and go back to work. There’s definitely an ease….or…get ready for it…raise your glass…a connection (drink!) that seems to be going on between them. As she’s talking, he excuses himself, and she worries about his sudden departure. He rushes into the room where the other women are sitting, picks up The Rose and brings it back to DeAnna. He pronounces her name correctly tonight, and she accepts it with a bright smile on her face. During the conversation he asks about the longest relationship she’s had, and she says five years, adding that they broke up when he cheated on her. She vows to never cheat on anyone because it broke her heart when it happened to her. They’re adorable together, and he tells us he’s intrigued.
In sharp contrast to their sweet moment, the wicked stepsisters are grousing about not getting The Rose, and I can’t be sure, but I swear I heard a cackle emanate from the room. They decide to join up with Brad and DeAnna and burst in on the two of them. Hillary is angry because Brad laughed with her, held her hand and even rubbed her back but didn’t give her The Rose. Women like her should come with a warning emblazoned on their foreheads.
Brad’s Beach Babes
All the ladies are once again reunited at the mansion and the beach date gals are modeling their swimsuits for those who will be left at home. One by one they enter the room wearing the skimpy bikinis which the producers supplied, each more eager than the other to show off their goods. They fling their boobs around, wriggle their butts and tousle their hair. Hillary doesn’t think it’s fair the girls are prancing around in front of Michelle (who is sitting with them). Call me cynical but I don’t think she gives two hoots (or boobs) about Michelle - I believe she doesn’t like the idea that he just might be rubbing the exposed backs of these girls.
Brad pulls up to the house in a classic Woody. Now, now, get your mind out of the gutter, it’s a car that surfers drove to haul their surfboards to the beach during the Stone Age. As soon as he’s inside the house, Brad asks about Michelle and finds her sitting alone outside. She’s disappointed she won’t be able to join them today, but some of the others are thrilled about the situation, namely Jade, McCarten and Sheena. Brad’s got more important things on his mind, though, and when he thinks about the day ahead of him at the beach with seven beautiful women, he rubs his hands together in anticipation and says, “today’s going to be a real doozy.” Hee.
A day at the beach just wouldn’t be complete without alcohol, so Brad mixes drinks for all, and the ladies strip down to their swimsuits and proceed to display their gymnastic abilities with cartwheels and handstands. Solisa and Stephy are not content with Brad still wearing his t-shirt, though, and get him to remove it. Stephy is quite pleased with what she sees, as is every woman within sight of him, I’m sure. I vote he spend the rest of the show shirtless from now on, am I right, gals?
A Boozy, Doozy of a Day
Back at the house, the women are grumbling about how forward the ‘bikini girls’ are. In the same manner that Big Brother’s Amber felt she was one of the “good people,” Jade feels she’s one of the “classy women.” And you all know how well that worked for Amber…
But meanwhile at the beach house, Jenni offers a toast, “here’s to the north, here’s to the south, here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth.” The toast is met with squeals of laughter followed by shots of tequila. There’s nothing quite like getting liquored up then heading into the ocean for a day o’ fun, and that’s exactly what they all do. I pray no one gets caught in a riptide because I wouldn’t put it past ABC to have David Hasselhoff come running up in a red speedo. *shudder*
Eventually they all end up on the patio and Sarah snags Brad for a “tour of the house.” Uh huh. Jenni thinks Sarah is extraordinarily aggressive and says she could never be like that (well thank goodness for small favors). Cut to Brad and Sarah talking, and he’s complimenting her on her fun-loving ways. He confides that he used to be too serious, so she suggests that between the two of them, they make the perfect couple. As soon as our perfect couple rejoins the others, Solisa announces Brad should do a body shot on her. She thinks this is the ideal way to demonstrate her free spirit - and, there you have it dear readers - the textbook example of how people can describe the same situation very differently. She calls it demonstrating her free spirit, and I call it demonstrating her skanky-spirit. Naturally Brad is more than happy to oblige, however, and Bettina fears she’ll puke because she’s so disgusted. I can’t help but notice she isn’t so repulsed that she leaves the show, so whatever. Brad says Solisa showed him everything that she is…that and more, I’d say. *wink* Then the day gets even stranger when she tells him she’s a Christian and that morals and values have always been important to her. Excuse me while I pick myself up from the floor from laughing. Even Brad has a look of surprise on his face, but then it occurs to me she doesn’t say what kind of morals and values she has. She very well could be stating that while she does have morals and values, they’re not very high. *snort*
A slightly tipsy Stephy tells us she’s still not sure if Brad likes the quiet girl or the out-going girl, but it sounds like she’ll do whatever it takes to get The Rose. Atta
boygirl, Stephy. Way to be yourself. Jenni and Brad sneak off together and he says every time they’re together, they laugh - which makes her laugh more. Their giggles turn into tender kissing which then reverts back to laughing. I notice that he doesn’t wipe her kisses off his lips.
Hillary, who thinks Jenni is on the show to further her modeling career, is turning into quite the hellion. She and Jade go through Jenni’s suitcase looking for her portfolio which is filled with various modeling pictures. Bad girls, bad girls, whatcha gonna do… *wags finger*
Bachelorettes Gone Wild
Brad grabs Sarah and The Rose for a stroll down to the shoreline. Once there he offers it to her which she readily accepts, and Jenni is disappointed since they had just kissed and talked. Lindsey doesn’t believe Sarah’s happy act is sincere and she hates how aggressive she is. But what better way to get over hurt feelings, than by climbing in a hot tub and drinking champagne. Woot! As is typical on this show, the conversation finds its way to “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done,” and when one of them says she’s never gone skinny dipping, Solisa takes it upon herself to jump from the tub, run to the shore stripping her bikini off along the way, once again displaying her morals and values. *cough cough* I notice Brad doesn’t budge, but I wouldn’t be surprised if half a dozen cameramen didn’t take off after her. Eventually she returns…just like a bad penny. *sigh*
Making Up For Lost Time
It’s cocktail party time and everyone is once again clothed in formal attire. Brad immediately takes Michelle aside and she says she’s feeling much better. She’s very nervous and blurts out that at 30, she’s the oldest woman there, she’d love to get married and have children some day, she enjoys traveling, but she still needs to pay off her college loans. Wow, way to reel him in, Michelle. I’m surprised he doesn’t turn and run in the opposite direction, but on the bright side, at least she didn’t mention how her eggs are shriveling even as she speaks.
Bettina takes her turn at bat with the Big Guy, and like Bevin from last season, she is a divorcée, and is nervous about confessing her transgression. *gasp* They share some small talk but she can’t muster the courage to acknowledge her deep, dark secret because she doesn’t feel safe enough yet.
Brad looks forward to getting to know more about Mallory, who surprisingly has managed to stay out of the pool tonight. He asks what she would consider a perfect day and she replies that she likes to begin her day by waking up. Well, now. I also believe that’s a damn fine way to begin the day, because otherwise, well, let’s just say the alternative doesn’t make for such a good day, does it? She then prattles on that she’d stay in bed and sleep, while he’d get up and prepare a breakfast of eggs, potatoes and fresh fruit, which would then be served to her in bed. From there she’d like them to watercolor or read outside. He questions how she proposes they’ll make a living, and she’s truly shocked at the notion. Right about now I’m wishing he’d toss her back into the pool.
But the real action is the malcontents again complaining about Jenni’s portfolio. Jade, in particular, is harping about it the loudest, which Jenni overhears. Stephy finds Jenni crying in the bathroom, and Jenni says she only brought the book to show everyone what she does for a living and to show off her friends. Riiight. Jenni says she doesn’t talk badly about the others and she doesn’t understand why they’re doing it to her. A very wise DeAnna advises her to try not to let them bother her, but warns not to trust anyone.
In the meantime, Jade runs to Brad and plays the ol’ I’m-not-trying-to-bash-anyone-but-you-should-know-some-people-aren’t-here-for-the-right-reason card. She says she won’t name names, but there is a portfolio here. She then adds that she (Jade) isn’t about to run around with her “ta-tas” hanging out, which I can't help but notice are hanging out a little due to her plunging neckline…but what do I know. Brad says he’ll determine for himself who is here for him. Yeah, baby.
The Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison arrives and announces it’s that time again. Brad confides to us that he hates breaking women’s hearts and the fact that he’s going to send three women home weighs heavily on him. I wonder if it weighs as much on him as Michelle’s boobs weigh on her. What? I’m just asking.
The group is reminded that Sarah and DeAnna already have roses, so Brad will be handing out 10 more. He says now that he’s becoming familiar with them, tonight’s decisions are that much harder. Roses are handed out as follows: Kristy, Bettina, Hillary, Stephy, Sheena, McCarten, Jenni (Jade glares at her), Lindsey, Jade and final rose goes to Solisa.
Erin very sweetly says she met a beautiful man and just when her faith in relationships was beginning to be restored, she’s being sent home. But she refuses to give up on finding her prince. Mallory is less affected by the rejection, or at least is pretending so, but Michelle is reduced to tears. I feel badly for her, but on the other hand, I respect Brad more for not simply keeping her around because she was injured.
Next week the circus comes to town, Hillary lays it all on the line, and Brad’s identical twin comes a-calling. Booyah! Let me know via a pm here how many women you feel still have their dignity intact. A dozen red roses go out to cape and BlondieGal for the Woody and Trump’s crib pictures. *kiss, kiss*