Welcome to the most amazing Ripley's-believe-it-or-not themed Bachelor show, ever! ABC deserves a long-stemmed rose, hell let's make it a dozen long-stemmed roses, because they have dredged up some wacky women for our entertainment this season. Booyah!
Chris opens the show by summing up some Bachelor statistics throughout the seasons such as: there have been 620 limos, 355 crying ladies, 19 crying bachelors, 167 hot tubs, 719 kisses and two gun-toting dads. The most important statistic is that there have been eight proposals, yet only one marriage. Of course you all know who the married couple is…Peeeenk-loving Trista and Ryan who are the proud new parents of a cute little baby boy named Max.
But this is all such old news by now, and there’s a new man on the horizon, so let’s put on our favorite garish prom dress (or tuxedo), get that chilled box o’ wine for toasting to our favorite Bachelor words, “amazing, journey, connection, soul mate, etc.,” and let’s begin. Chris tells us Brad Womack is the “sexiest Bachelor yet,” which must come as bad news to Lorenzo, Andy and all the others. Brad hails from Austin, Texas, and describes himself as an everyday, hard-working guy looking for his soul mate (drink!). Oh, and he’s prepared to get down on one knee and propose to an amazing (drink!) woman. He doesn’t specifically say he’s prepared to propose to a woman from this show…just that someday he’ll propose. Sorry, men, but it seems he is specific about proposing to a woman.
Host, Chris Harrison, promises these are some of the craziest women to appear on the show so far, and with some of the past crazies we’ve seen on this show, that’s saying something. I hope Brad’s got good medical insurance, and that his premiums are current.
Brad was born into a wealthy family and grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. Our Golden Boy’s childhood took a turn however, when at 12, his parents divorced. His mother relocated to Livingston, Texas with her three sons, where they moved into a double-wide trailer. Brad credits his work ethic to the tough times they endured adjusting to this new lifestyle. After one year of college, he decided this was not for him, and chose to seek fame and fortune on an oil rig in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico for 10 years. Currently he owns four bars/nightclubs along with his brothers, and Chris is happy to tell us he’s a millionaire who has everything in life but one thing…a little Mrs. to call his very own. So here he is ladies, all new and shiny with a naïve desire to find the woman of his life on a reality television show. Because after all, being a muscular, handsome, wealthy, seemingly intelligent man is just not a turn-on unless he’s on television, am I right, ladies? Riiiight.
Meet ‘N Greet, Then Compete
We meet the ladies as they prepare to meet Brad, and there are a lot of shower shots (from the shoulders up or from the knees down) with women washing their hair, shaving their legs, squealing and jumping on beds. That reminds me, it’s been a long time since I’ve jumped up and down on my bed, and I think I’ll put that on my to-do list for later tonight. The ladies eventually meet each other at the elevators and a wise Hillary confides to us that since there are 25 ladies vying for one man, she’s going to keep her friends close and her enemies closer. Lori is obviously a Bachelor fan’s worst nightmare because her strategy is to not cry or get drunk. I’m disappointed to learn this, but of course, I’m banking on ABC keeping the ladies up all night and the liquor flowing, so her resolve will probably be putty in their hands. Fleiss is a professional who has this down to a science by now…poor thing, she doesn’t stand a chance.
Thank God, I’m A Country Boy
Chris looks downright giddy waiting for Brad’s limo. They walk inside the mansion and get right down to business. For those of you playing our Drinking Game, I hope some of your shots are water because the Bachelor words are flying at a quick pace - Chris has said, “sexiest Bachelor ever” and “amazing” about twenty times already. I think Chris is smitten by Brad because he keeps slyly checking out Brad’s physique, and mentions Brad’s bankroll again. After some prodding, Brad admits he's a millionaire, but says he’s worked hard for every penny, and he’s looking for a woman who could care less about his money. Honey, good luck finding her on this show. Brad tell us his brothers are both married, they’ve seen The Bachelor’s previous successes (is he drunk already?), and they’d like to see him find someone special. He has an identical twin, and they allude that he might come to the house sometime during the season to see if he can fool the ladies. Woot! He likes sexy, crazy, funny women, and I'm reminded of the old adage...be careful what you wish for.
Here We Come!
The limo’s arrive and the ladies spill out in the following order:
Sheena, 23, Internet Marketing Executive, Walnut Creek, CA
She can’t believe she’s on this incredible blind date, and I'm thinking the claws must have come out already in her limo because the bottom third of her dress is shredded.
Jenni, 27, Phoenix Suns Cheerleader, Wichita, KS
She steps out of the limo in an exceptionally short LBD (little black dress), but definitely has the legs for it. She’s a giggly one and is incredibly happy to know they lived in the same state for three years. She reminds me of a chortling Jennifer Love Hewitt or Erin Gray.
Kim, 31, Realtor, Woodbridge, CT
Brad compliments her dress, and she says she took her shoes off (she's holding them) for fear she’d either be taller than him or she’d trip.
Sarah, 23, Bar Manager, O’Fallon, IL
She says she’s read lots of good things about him, which is curious to me because some of the other ladies don’t have a clue who he is. She’s extremely nervous, hugs him several times, then runs off.
Bettina, 27, Realtor, Washington D.C.
She’s exceptionally understated and poised and he’s definitely interested. He compliments her name and thanks her for coming.
Jessica, 27, News Anchor, Lady Lake, FL
He thinks her dress is beautiful (it’s a royal blue) and she says he’s fire-extinguisher hot, then let’s out a “woot.”
Morgan, 24, Graduate Student, Tempe, AZ
She says they’ve been having a blast in the limo, and she wants to know on a scale of 1-10 how excited is he? In case you’re wondering, he’s says he’s a 12. Next!
Rigina, 31, Account Representative, San Diego, CA
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our token woman of color, or as she refers to herself, “Miss Brown Sugar,” wearing an extremely short red dress that looks smashing on her. Let’s hope she sticks around for more than a few episodes.
Erin, 25, Publishing Sales Executive, Tampa, FL
Brad compliments Erin's smile, and apparently she owes the compliment to a plastic surgeon because she says she “broke her face” playing football four months ago and promises to explain more later. I’ll be holding my breath. /sarcasm
Tauni, 31, Emergency Room Nurse, St. Louis Park, MN
Erin will be happy to learn we’ve got an ER nurse in the group with Tauni here. Wearing a long white dress, she greets him with “hey handsome!” When she learns he’s from Austin, she’s quick to inform him her best friend lives there. That might come in handy for him - if none of these girls measure up, he can always look up her best friend.
DeAnna, 25, Realtor, Neunan, GA
Wearing a dress with horizontal black and white stripes, she speaks Greek to him, and I wait for him to say, “hmm, that sure sounds Greek to me!” But alas, he disappoints. She offers to let him put his hand on her chest to "feel her heart beating." She’s a smooth one, that DeAnna.
Juli, 24, Law Student, Chicago, IL
As Juli walks up to Brad, it’s obvious her girls have a mind of their own because they’re flinging around at will under her low-necked halter dress. She introduces herself as “Juli without an 'e,'” and he answers that he’s Brad with a 'd.' Of course his name has a 'd,' otherwise he’d be 'bra.' You know…like what Juli should be wearing to keep the girls under control.
McCarten, 26, Account Manager, San Diego, CA
A polished, brunette steps out and when he compliments her name, she says she’s Irish and that she dreamt about him all night. He wants to know if they were great dreams, and she assures him they were. Yawn.
Susan, 35, Project Analyst, St. Charles, IL
She tells him to just remember she’s the girl in the silver dress - then she wiggles her butt at him. Well, alrighty then, analyze that, Brad.
Lindsey, 25, Model, Livania, MI
Their interaction is quick and before I barely get her name typed, she’s gone.
Chris is itching to get back on camera and takes the opportunity to see how Brad is doing. He reminds Brad that he warned him he’d be “blown away” by all the beauty, then brings Brad back down to earth by telling him he’ll be sending 10 of the ladies home at the end of the night. Talk about your buzz kill - that is, unless there are 10 women he can’t wait to cut loose, then I suppose he’ll be anxiously awaiting the witching hour. So far, however, Brad is excited and Chris tells him, “to keep it up.” I don’t think that’s going to be a problem, heheh.
Kristy, 29, Acupuncturist, Chicago IL
Wearing a long red dress, Kristy strides over to him and immediately tells him she’s an acupuncturist and she’d be happy to help him relax. I’ll bet she would.
Solisa, 25, Esthetician, Georgetown, TX
Good God, she’s got huge boobs, and they seem to make walking difficult…either that, or her heels are too high. They discover they’re both from Austin, and he’s interested. Whether he’s interested in her or her boobs, it’s too early to tell, but he’s definitely interested.
Estefania, 26, Executive Assistant, Atlanta, GA
She’s from Argentina and says she’s an international citizen of the world. I’ll take her word for it.
Hillary, 27, Registered Nurse, Philadelphia, PA
She tells him she’d like to take his vital signs. Of course she would - with or without a stethoscope, I’m sure.
Lori, 33, Biology Teacher, Annapolis, MD
She says she’s happy to finally meet him, and I’m wondering if the black roots of her blonde hair are this prominent now, what will her hair look like weeks from now. With any luck she won’t last that long.
Natalie, 25, Law Student, Duncanville, TX
Natalie is wearing a beautiful apricot dress, and tells him she’s almost speechless by his handsome face. She quickly scurries inside before she runs out of things to say.
Mallory, 24, Nanny, Honolulu, HI (Andy Baldwin, anyone?)
She greets him with “aloha” and he’s a smart cookie because he immediately surmises she’s from Hawaii. He appears tongue-tied which makes me laugh.
Michele, 30, Realtor, South Brunswick, NJ
She’s wearing a long red dress, and a heavy hand was clearly used when putting the highlights in her hair. She tells him he’s everything she’s looking for in a man…and she knows this, how? She then tells him he’s going to fall in love with her. Meh.
Melissa, 28, Event Planner, Westchester, NY
Good grief, this gal is 28? She looks more like 40 to me. She says she’s been peering at him through the car windows and all she can say is “sweetness.” Um, okay.
Jade, 24, boutique Sales Worker, Nashville, TN
As soon as they meet they prompt each other to twirl, and she asks him if he believes in love at first sight. He quickly says “now I do.” Good one, Brad with a 'd.' There’s definite chemistry between these two, and he’s positively interested.
Chris gets more camera time (it’s in his contract, you know), and makes sure Brad knows the 25 ladies didn’t disappear, but are nestled inside the mansion waiting for him. Brad says his future wife could very well be inside. *snort* Chris informs Brad of the First Impression Rose and warns that the woman who receives the rose will be ‘safe,’ but that it can bring out the claws in the other women (we can only hope), to which Brad says he can handle them (we’ll see about that). Chris adds when the sun comes up, he’ll have to make the tough decision about who stays and who goes. Have they ever outright admitted the ladies are kept in this pressure cooker all night? We’ve known it for years, but I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned on the show before. I now wish Chris would take it a step further and acknowledge there’s no food offered, and that whenever the ladies turn their heads, little waiter elves pop up and top off their glasses with more alcohol.
Let’s Get This Party Started
The conversation is lively amongst the women, and they are swooning about Brad’s eyes and overall dreaminess. He walks into the room, and the women erupt in wild applause, screams and whistles. Brad tells us that when he walked inside, he was “literally beside myself.” Hmm, did his twin show up and I missed it? *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Hillary says he’s “so freakin’ hot,” and everyone toasts to one amazing night. Drink!
Someone asks if he has a farm (hah), to which he informs them he owns several bars. Sarah, the bar manager, is thrilled to hear he’s in the bar business and offers to make him a drink later. She tells us he’s so sexy she forgot to introduce herself. Brad notices Kim has finally put her shoes on, and she clearly has a phobia about her height because she asks if that’s all right. Jenni laughingly tells us that “Southern Gentleman is so my type,” and Hillary, the nurse, says her heart is going pitter-patter. Brad tells us one-on-one time is very important to him because he truly came here to find his soul-mate. I’m wondering how in the hell they hypnotize everyone so quickly on this television show because I’ve never heard a man talk like this in the ‘real world.’
DeAnna is sitting alone outside and he joins her, draping his jacket over her shoulders because she's cold. I want to know why in hell she's sitting outside if she's cold, but it's just one more unanswered question of mine. He asks about her family, and she confides to him that her mother passed away when she was 12, but that she was a very strong woman because she lived 10 years longer than the doctors had predicted. He asks about her career and she says she’s a realtor by day, and a bartender by night. He pronounces she’s his kind of girl. She seems like a down-to-earth kind of gal, and they appear to enjoy each other’s company. I do believe I’ve got my first hot pick, but it’s early, and I’m aware she could disappoint me 15 minutes from now, so I’m not placing a monetary bet just yet.
Showing off her legs and playing with her large hoop earrings, Bettina coyly flirts with Brad, offering to teach him how to surf. I’m guessing he knows how to surf the Internet, so I do believe they’re discussing board surfing.
Kristy in her long red dress, offers to perform some Chinese medicine on him, and in numbing detail informs us the Chinese believe the tongue is the metaphysical manifestation energy of our body. He sticks his tongue out and she 'reads' it saying he’s under stress. No kidding, Sherlock. I could have told him that, and trust me, I know nothing about Chinese medicine.
Hillary is curious about the most outrageous thing he’s done in his life, and he says this is it (chicken). She says she broke her nose on a bowling ball. Say, what? I think she means with a bowling ball, otherwise it sounds like she walked up to a bowling ball and slammed her nose against it. But wait, not to be outdone, Erin who is sitting with them, reminds him that she broke her face, but now adds that she’s done it twice. We don’t get to hear more of her story, but I’m guessing if she gets more camera time, she’ll be saying she’s broken her face five times. If she’s honestly “broken her face” twice, I’d say perhaps she should quit drinking. That, or quit chewing gum while walking.
Jessica, the news journalist from Florida, decides it’s time to ask Brad some tough questions. Pretending to hold a microphone, she asks what is the one thing people may not know about him. He coughs up the 10 years he spent on an oil rig, and in turn, asks her the same question. But before she can answer, Susan (the one with the silver dress and wiggly butt) steals him away.
Several ladies are sitting in the living room, when a butler walks in with the First Impression Rose. Surprisingly, some women don’t seem to know what it is, but they’re quickly informed by other Bachelor-savvy women. McCarten wants it badly.
Brad is talking with a few ladies about how serious everyone is, and suggests they should be dancing and doing cartwheels. Jenni laughs loudly and says she dances for the Phoenix Suns, and Michelle who is sitting with them, encourages her to dance for them. Brad tells us privately that he loves the way she laughs at everything he says - then adds he hopes it’s not a bad thing, hee. Jenni, in her strapless dress, does some wiggling/dancing and Brad sits, mouth wide open, mesmerized. Ha, now that’s funny stuff, especially when Michelle tells us that she’s annoyed at herself for encouraging Jenni to dance, heheh.
Lindsey gives Brad a yellow rose, then hesitantly…oh let’s face it…badly sings her version of The Yellow Rose of Texas. I think I can hear Randy saying, “hey dawg, it’s a little pitchy, and I’m not feelin’ it dawg.” She’s rightfully embarrassed.
You Want Crazy, Brad? You’ve Got It!
It’s obvious the booze has been flowing for some time now because the girls are letting their inhibitions go and are dancing for each other. A slurring Tauni sticks her butt out
in the airin Brad’s face, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that. Well, actually I’ve got one more thing to say about that. Ew. But hands down the best moment is when Juli, the human pretzel, gets down on the ground and wraps her legs around her head. There’s nothing spontaneous about this move because she’s wearing black pants under her evening gown, but no matter, Brad’s eyes pop out of his head, and you can almost see the wheels turn in his heads (yes both heads) as he certainly imagines all the different scenarios where being bendy would be beneficial. McCarten is horrified…I don’t believe Brad is.
The freak show continues with Jade discovering a silicone breast lying on the floor. It’s one of those flesh-colored jelly things women put in their bras to enhance the size of their breasts, and it looks hilarious just lying there on the floor. Poor sloshed Melissa finally owns up to it saying she’s been looking for it for the past two hours, and then she proceeds to rip the other one out of her bra. She joins Brad outside (still breastless) and slurs something about him being “sweetness” but this woman definitely needs something more substantial than a silicone implant. I’m thinking something more along the lines of a sub sandwich and a strong cup of coffee.
The Crazies Get Crazier
Morgan wants that First Impression Rose and thinks her signature move of pointing to her eyes is just the ticket. But if he should be able to resist her signature move, she’s got a back-up plan. And what might that be, you’re wondering? Well, it just so happens she has webbed toes! Yes, webbed toes. She removes her shoes in order to better show off her secret weapons. In one of the most hilarious moments of Bachelor history EVER, Brad relates the story to us privately, and breaks down crying from laughter and falls to the floor, disappearing off camera. Booyah!
Mallory, afraid she wouldn’t be getting any alone time with Brad, decides to don her bikini and jump in the pool. Now for me personally, I’d like to see Morgan in the pool because I bet with those webbed feet of hers, she could zip across the length of the pool in record time. Mallory clearly gets his attention, though, as Brad robotically walks over to her. He thinks she looks amazing (drink!) in the pool, and she suggests he take his clothes off and join her. He resists the temptation and simply rolls his pants up to dangle his legs in the water. However, as suddenly as he comes over to her, he leaves, gets the Rose, and just when I fully expect Mallory to be the Chosen One, he presents it to Jenni, because he loves her smile and enjoyed the way she danced for him earlier. She eagerly accepts and seems genuinely pleased, the poor little thing. Apparently she doesn’t understand the First Impression Rose carries with it the same curse as winning the car on Survivor. She's doomed.
I think the bubbly is getting to our Big Man because just before we cut to a final commercial, he declares he will find his wife on the show. Aww, isn’t he cute…our little naïve Texan man.
A New and Improved Snarky Chris Harrison
Chris walks in announcing his presence with the clanging of a spoon against his champagne flute and says, “good morning!” Ack, I hope Melissa is still standing. He steals Brad away and the women are nervous as the camera pans the room. Oh, there’s Melissa, but damn, she sips more wine from her glass, eek.
Brad says the party was amazing (you know what to do) and that the ladies far exceeded his expectations. I’ll bet. It’s not everyday you get women with their legs wrapped around their heads, saying “spin me,” or get to see webbed toes. He tells Chris he felt an instant connection (drink!) with DeAnna, loves Jenni’s smile, and that Lindsey had guts to sing to him. A snarky Chris isn’t about to let Brad get off easy, though, and gets him to admit that Lindsey doesn’t have the best voice. Snarky Chris also asks what Brad thinks about Melissa, but the worst thing he'll say about her is that she might have not known her alcohol limit tonight. When Chris mentions Pretzel Girl, he says he’s not sure that’s a hot look, and says he found it a little strange, especially on a first date. Brad needs a little more time to get his thoughts together for the Rose Ceremony because he knows the decision he makes tonight will affect the rest of his life (or at least the next month while filming).
Everyone looks surprisingly well considering the sun is coming up, and Brad enters the room once again saying they’ve all far exceeded his expectations.
Jenni has the First Impression Rose and the remaining 14 roses are handed out as follows: Jade, Betinna, (Melissa looks like she might collapse), McCarten, Hillary, DeAnna (corrects the pronunciation of her name), Michelle, Sheena, Estefania, Erin, (Melissa rolls her eyes), Solisa, Lindsey, Sarah, Mallory, (Melissa is shocked), and Kristy. Melissa is near tears, as are most of the others without roses. This is always tough for me to watch (yes, I can be a soft-touch sometimes), but on the bright side we won’t have to witness Lori’s roots get any longer or Melissa’s liver get any more damaged.
Awaiting us this season is romance, dancing, catty women, Brad’s twin, tears, an ambulance and a life-flight helicopter. But before tonight’s episode is officially over, we get the outtakes. A slurring Melissa is babbling about one-on-one time but is having difficulty putting two words together. I’d love it if she were to end the show with, “don’t threaten me with a good time.” Any Rock of Love fans enjoying The Bachelor with me? If so, you'll understand the 'threaten' quote, so let me know via a pm here. I'd like to present Cape with a long-stemmed rose for the awesome screencaps of Morgan and Melissa. Thanks!