With the aid of Dandy’s top-secret Naval interrogation skills last week, we learned three things: 1) not only was Bevin a teenager once upon a time, but she’s also a divorcée, 2) Tessa’s teflon-coated armor can be cracked after all, and she admits to wanting to fall in love with Dandy, and lastly 3) Dandy’s dating deal-breaker is having a dog pee indoors while eating dinner with two giggly females. Since Amber was sent home last week, tonight Bevin and Tessa will be flying to Hawaii to meet Dandy on his own turf. Chill your box of wine and get your tumblers out - I just took a quick overview of the show and must have heard the word ‘amazing’ about 30 times in the span of 20 minutes. Remember, don’t read and drive.
Will They Be Getting Lei’d?
The show opens with Dandy running shirtless, surfing, and driving his convertible jeep, and we get some good views of his ripple-y, muscle-y <--- (technical terms) tanned body. I realize he’s a doctor and quite the accomplished Naval officer, but let’s face it, he sounds like a bonehead when he speaks, so here’s a little trick I learned from FoRT’s very own Lucy…turn the volume down and simply take in the view. Aah, much better, right? You’re welcome.
Dandy wants each woman to begin her visit at the USS Arizona Memorial, in Pearl Harbor. Bevin arrives first wearing a lei, and thinks Dandy looks spectacular in his uniform. They hug, then are taken out to the memorial to pay their respects. As she leaves Dandy at the memorial, she tells us that she understands there is danger in his chosen profession, but she’d rather spend every day with him, knowing it was worth the risk than to walk away from him.
As soon as Bevin leaves, Danielle approaches and gets a lei from Dandy. He explains that it’s customary to offer flower petals for the 900 souls that were lost, so she removes her lei and they drop the petals into the water below them. Her grandmother was a nurse during the Pearl Harbor attack, so being there holds special significance to her and her family. As she leaves the memorial, she says she has no idea what it takes to be a military wife, but she’ll do anything to find out. I have no doubt Dandy will be taking her up on that offer before she leaves the island.
Next up is Tessa, and Dandy doesn’t waste any time in getting her lei’d. As they drop Tessa’s petals into the water, a little redheaded girl walks over and stands next to them. Dandy offers some of their petals to her, and they introduce themselves - Dandy introduces Tessa as his “girlfriend” for those of you scoring at home. The little girl doesn’t say anything, and we never get to see her face, so I wonder if a crew member didn’t win some kind of bet over dinner last night and the reward was to get their kid on the show but at the last minute the producers refused to show her face - just a guess. Later Dandy tells us having the little girl with them felt like a foreshadow of his future…husband, wife, and child. Tessa tells us now that she’s here, she can see herself married to him which makes her scared, jittery and excited all at the same time. It should make her question her sanity, or better yet, question what Fleiss is slipping into their wine, but whatever.
Lei-ing It On The Line
Tessa gets the first individual date and Dandy is waiting for her on Kauai, the most romantic of the islands. Their date begins with a zip line which looks like a ton o’ fun. They ‘do’ rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first, and Tessa wins (or loses, depending on how you feel about zip lining, I suppose), and without hesitation, she takes off. I would love to do this and enjoy watching both of them. As we watch, Dandy says he enjoys seeing Tessa’s tomboy side, and they are definitely having a great time alternating between playing, kissing, laughing and kissing. He’s so giddy, he actually attempts a clunky cartwheel, although his weak attempt is still way beyond my cartwheeling abilities.
They sit down for a bit of wine and food and Dandy is brimming with enthusiasm in sharing his “backyard” with her. To show us how bizarre this whole Bachelor dating adventure has been for her, she points out that the last time they saw a sunset together, there were two other ladies with them, so she’s thrilled to have him all to herself. She knows there are still other women he’s potentially interested in, but she also knows they have feelings for each other, and she needs to concentrate on that alone. I think the wine’s making them light-headed because they end up talking about what to do if a shark swims toward you, and Tessa says you should punch it in the face. She admits she has trouble imagining herself doing that, and says she’d probably try to swim in the other direction. Yeah, like that’s a successful maneuver - I suggest they stay on land, drink a lot more wine and get lei’d instead. As Dandy kisses her about 30 more times, we hear him say that he feels Tessa is still protecting herself emotionally, and the only way to tell if she’s here for him is to ask some “tough questions” later. So that’s what he’s calling it these days.
The sun has set, they’ve showered and meet up again for dinner in the moonlight on the beach. As they swing in a hammock they share a lot more eating, drinking and kissing. He’s still hoping she’ll show him 110% that she’s into him, which you and I know, is ‘Bachelor Speak’ for hoping she’ll spend the night with him. They do seem to have a good time together, and at one point Dandy actually says, “anytime, anyplace, with Tessa…” Whoa, his testosterone levels are peaking folks, and right on cue Dandy offers The Envelope for Tessa to open, saying it’s from Chris Harrison. Pffft. Unless this show is veering off into some kind of kinky direction, I’m pretty sure Chris has nothing to do with the Fantasy Suite. It reads, “Tessa and Dandy, I hope you’re having a wonderful time in Hawaii. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in the Fantasy Suite.” Dandy asks what she thinks and she says there is nothing more she’d rather do than have more time with him…alone, then they kiss. By ‘alone’ I think she means she’d like the incessant cameras to get out of their faces, and who could blame her. I’m guessing cameras are the last thing on Dandy’s mind right now, heheh.
It’s a typical Fantasy Suite - rose petals on the bed, a hot bubble bath already drawn, 1,000 lit candles scattered around the rooms, and champagne chilling - in other words, just a typical Wednesday evening here in the Rose household. By the way, they say amazing about 45 times, so drink up. Tessa thanks Dandy for his patience in waiting for her to open up, and she explains that before coming on the show, she had made a promise to herself to stay true to who she is, and this was her way of doing that. He barely lets her finish, interrupting her with more kisses. He feels a lot of “sweetness” coming from Tessa, but as they climb into the bathtub (wearing bathing suits), he says in voice-over that he still has two overnight dates coming up with other women he cares about and the indecision is killing him. Say it with me now, “aw, poor Dandy…what to do with all these women wanting to get lei’d?” It’s a good thing Tessa didn’t hear that voice-over because I suspect she would have climbed out of the tub, then ‘accidentally’ dropped the hair dryer in the water, shouting, “talk about electricity, now, Bachelor Boy!”
Lei-ing It On The Table
It’s another day in paradise and Danielle arrives for her bonding time. Dandy says their connection (drink!) has grown stronger each time they see each other. They kiss again and again then board a whale watching catamaran. They stand at the bow as dolphins come over to play in the wake of the boat. Mr. Rose and I used to sail to Catalina Island every year with friends and sometimes we’d have over 100 dolphins come play with us. I hope at one time or another, all of you get a chance to experience this because it’s simply amazing (drink!). They’re able to get quite close to a group of whales and the music swells as we watch the whales come up for air then dive back down, and the humans hug, kiss and laugh. Danielle and Dandy snorkel, and kiss underwater with their snorkels on. That’s quite a trick. I tried snorkeling once and sucked majorly at it, so I’m impressed with how comfortable she looks.
They eventually return to the boat and with the sun setting behind them the talk gets serious. Dandy tells Danielle his tour of duty in Hawaii is over after one more year, and then he’ll need to decide what he’s going to do. He says, of course, the decision depends on how things turn out with the show, but he loves the people and the beauty of Hawaii. Getting to know him and coming here has shown her there are amazing (drink!) people in the world, and she’s reminded of what the psychic had told her years ago. Dandy asks her to refresh his memory about what exactly was said: she was dating her boyfriend at the time and thought they’d be together forever, but the psychic told her that wasn’t to be. After he passed away, she went back to the psychic and was told that she would have two more serious relationships but the third would be ‘the one.’ Dandy is her third, so she wants to believe what she was told. Dandy finds this the appropriate time to go in for more tongue wrestling, and he stares dreamily into her eyes. He tells us he can’t get enough of her. We’ll see about that.
They get cleaned up and have a candlelight dinner at the beach. He reminds her of their discussion earlier in the day about the psychic and points out the extra chair at the table, saying someone will be joining them. Ack, has he somehow conjured up her dead boyfriend? Ohhh, he’s arranged to have a psychic come for a private reading. Geesh, this show is really grasping for storylines this season…did Fleiss actually spring money for this? The psychic explains she’s not there to foretell the future, but to “forecast certain futuristic opportunities so you can make the right choices in your life.” Um, okay, frankly it seems to come down to semantics, because I don’t see much difference between the two. Anyway, Danielle shuffles a regular deck of cards and the reader tells her that Danielle is a wonderful communicator who communicates from her heart - she has some sadness about a past loss, and if she lets go of that, something bigger can come to her. Danielle is stunned by this revelation. Pffft. I’m thinking, could that be any more vague? <--- said in Chandler Bing style. Dandy asks the psychic if he’ll be engaged in a week (I'm thinking if Fleiss has anything to do with it he will, heheh). The psychic reads his shuffled cards and says he’s moving through a time of doubt and worry, and he needs to let go of the worry. She advises when making a choice, he should determine how love would decide and how fear would decide, then let love make the decision. The psychic leaves, and I’ve made a decision based on the love in my heart…I propose next time they pay me the big bucks to blow smoke up their asses…I’d love a 'crack' at it. *ba dum ching* Dandy wants to know if Danielle is ready to move on from her past and when she says she is, he offers her The Envelope from “Chris Harrison.” They’ve obviously copy and pasted her invitation because it reads exactly like Tessa’s, with the exception of the name change (wouldn’t it be hilarious if they got them mixed up? *Roses rubs hands together in devilish delight*). She says she’d love to join him, and they walk indoors together. Danielle is pleasantly surprised to see the romantic setting (again, they’ve basically followed the same Romantic Recipe as the room he had with Tessa), and I laugh at Dandy’s ‘surprised’ reaction to the room.
They settle in on the couch and talk about the number of children they’d each like to have. Dandy wants at least two, probably three, and she knows she wants children, too. I do believe he’s ready to start that family right now because he immediately begins doing what he does best - kissing, and I hope he at least waits for the cameramen to leave before he goes much further. He says he can see her in his future, and she says she can never stop smiling when she’s around him. Oh and he says she’s a great kisser. Obviously.
Lei It On Me, Baby
Dandy waits for Bevin to join him amidst grazing cows in the field around him. Uh oh, the last time we saw grazing cows was with Amber last week, and that didn’t end so well. Dandy says they have an intense physical attraction to each other, but he’s not sure if there’s more to their relationship than that. They hug and yes, kiss…a lot, when they meet up together. A kayak awaits them and Dandy tells us he loves Bevin’s sense of adventure. They climb into the kayak and paddle along a small river that has a canopy of trees overhead. Bevin says she feels like they’re in the Amazon, and they playfully splash each other. She loves Hawaii, and says she loves being alone in the wilderness. Hm, we obviously define ‘alone’ differently. When I say ‘alone’ I mean by myself. I guess she defines ‘alone’ as not only being with Dandy, but also at least one cameraman, a sound tech, a lighting tech… They go for a little hike and it begins to rain softly. Dandy asks if she’d love to live here, and of course she says she would, and when he asks if she’d love to live here with him, she laughs and says yes. He’s thrilled to hear this and lifts her up to spin her around. He carries her and in voice-over talks about their electricity again. Damn, now I’m going to be worried about the rain and that little electrocution problem again - and as if I don't have enough to worry about, they reach a waterfall, strip down to their bathing suits, and jump in. They romp in the water, float around in inner-tubes, kiss, laugh, hide behind the waterfall, and kiss some more. Bevin is completely taken by him and tells us she’s never met a man like him before. She’s ready to take her life to the "next level" and sees herself marrying him and having children. Eventually they climb out of the water, and as they snuggle together wrapped in towels, he says he saved the best date for last. But he’s not sure he knows her on a deeper level, so tonight he’s got questions for her. Questions, riiiight.
Once again the sun sets, and our couple has dressed for dinner. Dandy says his jaw dropped when he saw Bevin’s red dress, and adds that he melts when he’s around her. However, this evening they’re not alone -not even by Bevin’s definition - because they’re treated to a private luau, complete with fire dancers, hula dancers and drummers (just another Thursday night in the Rose household). Dandy places a flower behind Danielle’s left ear that mysteriously appears and disappears throughout the night, and I wonder if Danielle’s dead boyfriend is playing tricks on us. Dandy and Bevin dance along with the troupe, laughing as they attempt to swivel their hips correctly. Dandy confesses that watching Bevin dance was “hot” and he thinks she’s absolutely beautiful, smart, energetic and funny. He wants to know what went into her decision to try to fall in love with him (is he drunk?), and she says she’s looking for a man to be her lover, best friend, husband, and father of her children. He asks if she sees that in him, and she must be drunk, too, because she replies they obviously have passion, which, if I’m not mistaken, doesn’t exactly answer his question. He brings up her *gasp* divorce because he wants to know if it affects her feelings about getting remarried. There were several years where she felt she’d never get married again, but as more years have passed, she’s not willing to give up the dream of having a family one day because of one bad decision. He says she “stumbled” in the past and it must have been difficult to tell him. Good grief, it’s not like she’s been cooking meth in her car and selling it to five-year-olds, grrr. She’s more patient than I am and plays along with him saying it’s a part of who she is and she doesn’t want to hold anything back…she wants him to fall in love with her, and being divorced is a part of who she is. Her answer must please him, because he pulls out “Chris Harrison’s” invitation and yes, it’s exactly the same prose. She says she definitely wants to accept the Fantasy Suite offer in the hopes they can continue the conversation and he can get to know her better. Oh, I think he’s going to get to know her better all right.
They walk into the rose-strewn, candlelit room and at this point I’m surprised Dandy doesn’t stifle a yawn at the view. Privately she tells us she’s not sure why things are falling into place so nicely for her because she’s always been unlucky in love. But she can say with certainty she loves him, then as the words hang in the air, a squeaky giggle escapes her mouth. Dandy says he knows the physical side is there, but now it’s even more enjoyable because the other elements to her are there to back it up. You’d think by now the guy would be getting tuckered out, but those Ironman competitions have obviously helped with his stamina, and I’m beginning to think he’s like a stud horse at a breeding stable.
Lei-ing It On Thick
How many Bachelor seasons have you watched? You don’t have to be a Bachelor connoisseur to know the formula to this show, so it comes as no surprise to hear that Dandy is smitten by all three ladies, and horror of horrors, he’s completely confused about who to cut tonight. He needs help, so he’s calling in reinforcements. Who will it be? The psychic? Wait, I’ve got it! Sarge, from Episode 3? I’d love to hear him bark orders at Dandy, and I sit up in anticipation. The door opens, and I’m crestfallen to see it’s not Sarge, not even the psychic, but Dandy’s BFF, Gatsby. They’ve known each other for 10 years and have competed in Ironman races and triathlons together which has helped them develop a great bond. Interestingly, Dandy describes the ladies to The Great Gatsby like this:
Tessa - she’s a social worker with kids, is playful, lighthearted, very smart. He sees potential with her, but she’s had doubts if this is the right way to fall in love (imagine that).
Danielle - she’s 25, but doesn’t seem 25 (my God, he’s only 30, not 50), she’s incredibly strong due to her college boyfriend having passed away, her parents have been together over 35 years, and she has a strong family unit (what is he, Beldar from SNL's Conehead family?); she’s solid and nurturing.
Bevin - she’s beautiful, sexy, he has an electric attraction to her, she’s a lot more liberal than him, she’s been a wild child, has “stumbled” because she’s been married before.
It’s hilarious to hear these two guys try to analyze Dandy’s ‘predicament.’ The Great Gatsby says Dandy’s a doctor, so he needs to look at this differently than he does his job and think non-analytically, but Dandy says he’s completely at a loss as to who to let go. Gatsby asks if he were to look at it like a race who would be the front-runner? Dandy says it constantly changes - after each overnighter, that particular lady was in “first place.” He does say that Danielle has a good pulse on him and can sense when he needs his spirits lifted, and he’s blown away by her (there’s a joke there, but I enjoy audience participation so I’ll let you complete it for yourselves, hee). As The Great Gatsby leaves he says although he doesn’t know who Dandy will cut tonight, he thinks he’s in a better place to make the decision, which makes me laugh because I think Dandy looks more confused than ever, ha.
Lei Them And Leave Them
The ladies arrive one by one and are extremely tense - they barely look at each other, and when they do, they simply exchange nervous glances. Dandy arrives and in voice-over tells us he’s a doctor, a healer, and it kills him to hurt one of them. He approaches the women telling them he’s had an incredible time with all of them, adding that anyone would be thrilled to have any of them at his side. He thanks them all for taking the risk to come here, and with that the roses are presented as follows:
Bevin - they do seem to share a tight bond and hug and kiss as she accepts.
Tessa - they hug and kiss and he stares at her chest and licks his lips (make of that what you will).
Poor Danielle. If I were her, I’d be furious as to why in the hell the psychic didn’t warn me about THIS! However, she stands with grace, says goodbye to the other ladies, then Dandy walks her to the car. She delicately wipes tears from her eyes as he tries to explain that he thinks the world of her, and thanks her for her strength. He says any guy would be honored to have her, and he’s sorry but he has to trust his heart. She actually smiles when he says she will make a man happy one day. She thanks him and says he’s set the bar high for the kind of person she wants to be with. As they hug goodbye she whispers to him, “you deserve to be happy. You’re an amazing (I’m tearing up, so you can drink without me) guy.” Dandy gets emotional too, and as the limo leaves he also wipes tears from his eyes. She tells us it’s hard to walk away from him and she’s hurt. She felt she was meant to be with him, and feels another loss now - she does recognize that at least she was able to have a better closure this time. I don’t know about you, but I hope we’re looking at the next Bachelorette. What do you think? Wouldn’t she make a great Bachelorette? Just think, Trista could come on the show to give her advice on how to pick a ripe one…ack, I took it too far, didn’t I? For a minute there I forgot about the pink nightmare that is Trista’s world, forgive me. But wouldn’t Danielle be great?
Back to tonight’s show - Dandy returns to Bevin and Tessa and they group hug. Dandy tells them they’ll now be going to Lancaster, PA, to meet his family and there’s a rather awkward silence until Bevin meekly says, “awesome.” Tessa has no comment. They toast and as this season’s theme song, Up Where We Belong plays in the background, we see previews of next week’s two-hour most. romantic. finale. ever. If you want to join me on the zip line in Kauai, send me a pm here.