The ABC version of last week’s episode in Lake Tahoe might include the words skiing, gambling and dating. But to be brutally honest, I prefer to use the words scheming, blubbering and pouting. Quite frankly, since Dandy is clearly fond of Bevin’s perpetual sniveling, I think it would be safe to sum up the show as, Dandy Got Snowed. Whatever the description, in the end, Stephanie T., Nicole and Kate were thrust back to their non-Dandy lives, leaving six ladies to duke it out for Dandy’s affections. If we’re lucky, blood will be spilled.
Tonight’s show opens with Dandy flexing his tanned, ripple-y (<---- technical term) muscles on his yacht as he waits for the ladies to join him for a day of sailing. These ladies have obviously been imprisoned in the mansion for far too long, because they are thrilled at the sight of seagulls. For some unknown reason the group has been separated into two groups: blondes and brunettes. Dandy joins the brunettes, Tessa, Tina and Amber, for a discussion about pet peeves. Tessa has some kind of problem with socks on a carpet, and Amber hates when the audience claps at the end of a movie. When I hear that Dandy’s sole complaint is smoking, I realize I must be particularly prickly, because my list would be a lot longer. For starters I get peeved about long lines to use a public restroom, people who tailgate, mosquitoes, barking dogs at night, unsolicited phone calls, people who whine (yes, I’m looking directly at you, Bevin) - well, I think you get the idea. It’s at this point that one of the oddest moments in Bachelor history takes place. Tina notices Dandy has something in his teeth (I assume it’s food, and not a spare coin from a parking meter) and proceeds to go monkey on him, picking the particle from his teeth. It’s a rather awkward moment and in order to lighten the mood, Tessa tosses out a blonde joke and everyone guffaws loudly.
Blondes Have More Fun
Dandy’s an equal opportunity Bachelor and makes his way over to the group of blondes at the bow (stern?) of the boat. Idle chit chat is the mainstay of conversation - no profound peeve discussions for these ladies - they are blondes, after all. *wink* Rather quickly Bevin decides she’s had enough talking and suggests she and Dandy make use of the kayaks. They get suited up in their life vests and she tells Dandy she’s not afraid of drownding because he could give her mouth-to-mouth. I just thought of another peeve of mine - when people say drownding instead of drowning. Pfftt. It seems Stephanie and Danielle did make a peeve list after all, and it looks like Bevin is at the top of it for stealing Dandy away once again. Now I’m certainly no Bevin fan, but in fairness to her, no one is stopping them from coming up with the idea of kayaking themselves, or even throwing Bevin overboard, either one would do the trick. Actually now that I think about, I choose the second option, heheh.
Later Bevin tells us she deserves a man who only wants to be with her, and she’s not happy having to compete with the other ladies for his attention. Hm, let’s review. The basis of this show is to have lots of women vie for one man…what could she possibly have misunderstood about this premise? Ah, but I forget, this is Bevin we’re talking about, and she thrives on complaining. Bevin and Dandy eventually return to the boat to find the brunettes sleeping all snuggled together, so she and Dandy make good use of the quiet time swapping spit again.
The Date Box arrives inviting Stephanie to join Dandy in a night of pleasure. While en route in the limo, Dandy says he’s hoping Steph will let her guard down a little and allow him to get to know her better, or more precisely, let him know what she thinks of him. He explains they’re going to a “really unique wine place,” where they’ll be making their own blend of wine. Now when I was in college we blended wine all the time by mixing a jug of Gallo wine with a couple bottles of Annie Green Springs, and we didn’t even need a specific place to do it - any old place would do. Evidently these two are amateurs. After blending, they create their own label by finger painting a large canvas which is then shrunk to fit the bottle. The entire project looks like fun, but they might as well have been doing it with complete strangers. Their conversation is stilted, and I hope the chemistry of the wine is better than the chemistry between them. Feeling frustrated with Steph’s closed nature, Dandy asks her to share her dreams, and she replies that she has many. *crickets chirp* He tries again and asks when she gets out of bed in the morning what drives her. She answers, “career-wise, family-wise, there are a lot of things I look forward to.” *tumbleweeds blow by* He tries once more and asks what she looks forward to most in her career, and she says she doesn’t know. I half expect him to rap her on the head saying, “Hello, McFly - tap tap tap, is this thing on?” Later, a very kind Dandy suggests that perhaps at 23 she just doesn’t know what she wants out of life yet. Later Steph tells us she’s frustrated she hasn’t let her guard down yet, and all I’ve got to say is now might be a good time to do it, because a month from now might not work out so well for you, Steph.
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program Of Bitching Bevin
The second Date Box arrives inviting Amber, Tina, Bevin and Danielle to “get down and dirty with Dandy for a good cause.” Bevin is distraught because this means Tessa gets the one-on-one date, which makes me smile due to my black heart. She feels this puts her at a disadvantage because she’s never had an individual date, and it’s clear that in Bevin’s mind, all those times she’s managed to finagle Dandy away from the others simply don’t count as individual time. She then lets us in on a little secret…she’s divorced, and she worries she won’t have time to tell Dandy before the hometown dates. Uh, Bevin, people have been known to actually use their mouths for talking - instead of jamming your tongue down Dandy’s throat all the time or spending so much of your valuable time crying, you might want to give conversation a try sometime. I know, it’s a novel idea.
Later Bevin, feeling insecure, sits down with 23-year-old Amber for a heart-to-heart. She’s feeling “weird” being in a house with such young girls, because after all there’s a huge age gap between 23-, 25-, 26- and 28-year-old women. *rolleyes* She tells Amber she’s upset because she shouldn’t be dating a man who is also dating a 23-year-old. She adds that when she was 23 she wasn’t ready to settle down, but Amber counters that she has basically raised her brothers and sisters (now there’s an interesting storyline), and cooking dinners for them since she was eleven so she feels quite ready. As a matter of fact, Amber thinks Bevin is immature for even bringing the subject up - touché, Amber. As if to prove Amber’s point, Bevin has another emotional breakdown and sobs to the camera. The fact that Dandy is dating other women makes Bevin feel desperate, and at her age she simply shouldn’t be putting herself through all this agony. She says she feels like an idiot because chances are he won’t pick her in the end. Well, I see we finally agree on something. I don’t think he’ll pick her either, and I also think she looks like an idiot, but for a different reason - because she's always whining and blubbering! I guess the perspective depends on which side of the idiot you’re on - the inside or the outside.
The following day Dandy picks up the group for charity work at an elementary school in Hollywood. Waiting for them are cans of paint, brushes and rollers, gardening supplies and toys to be assembled. Sharon, from the Hollywood Beautification Team is there to help organize the rehab project for the kids. As it stands now the playground is nothing more than a barren lot in dire need of some TLC, and the ladies are eager to get started - some to help the kindergartners and some simply to impress Dandy. Community volunteer work is important to him and he’s looking for someone who shares this philosophy. While working, teacher Amber lets Dandy know she’s looking forward to getting a hometown date so she can show him her classroom. Danielle is worried about the date turning into a Bevin/Dandy date again so she locks Bevin in the truck toolbench. Okay, not really, but wouldn’t it be great if she did heheh. As Danielle and Dandy paint flowers on the walls he questions her about having children. She says she’d love to have at least two children one day, but in the meantime will settle for a hometown date.
Dandy and Tina plant several trees and she confides that since she’s not fitting in with the other girls at the house, she feels like she’s back in high school trying to impress the cool kids. In a sweet moment, Dandy says that cool is all about perspective, and he loves the fact that she’s mature and is taking the high road when it comes to conflicts. Killjoy.
Throughout the day, the girls mention how excited the kids will be to see their new playground, and unbeknownst to them, the kids have been sequestered in a classroom. The door suddenly opens unleashing 30 five-year-olds screaming with delight. The ladies tear up with overwhelming emotions as the kids swing, ride tricycles and play hopscotch. Dandy directs a Simon Says game, then the group participates in races and hula hoop contests. Dandy says it’s important for the woman he marries to not only be a good wife, but a good mother, and he enjoyed watching the ladies interact with the kids. Bevin impressed him (probably because for once she wasn’t pouting), and Amber was certainly in her element. From a sappy viewer’s point of view, this was hands down The. Best. Bachelor. Date. Ever.
Jewels For A Gem
Tessa’s Date Box is delivered with a note that says, “come as you are, I’ll take care of the rest. Love Dandy.” Personally if I had received that note I would have answered the door stark naked, but apparently Tessa took it to mean come dressed casually. Your loss, Dandy.
He’s nervous about this special date with Tessa, and she feels tonight’s date could make or break them. He arrives carrying a box holding a diamond necklace, bracelet, and earrings worth $2 million that are amazing (drink!). The ladies are somewhat jealous, but naturally Bevin has the harshest reaction which makes me laugh, again due to my black heart. Dandy’s wearing a tailored expensive black suit, and the two of them stop off at a Nicole Miller boutique for a little something special for Tessa to wear. She tries on a variety of elegant dresses, finally settling on a sexy red number that elicits a cartoon-like sound of aoouga from Dandy - I’m not sure but I think I also saw smoke come out of his ears. He admits there’s been an element of chase involved in getting Tessa’s attention, and he wants to make her feel special. They arrive at a gorgeous Japanese restaurant and the conversation flows freely between them. There’s also some serious flirting going on and definitely sparks between them. Dandy glows with happiness, as does Tessa, and watching them reminds me of the interaction between Trista and Ryan. Could we be looking at the final couple here?
After dinner, our lovebirds stroll the Japanese garden and admire the koi fish. It’s raining, the light romantic kind of rain, not the torrential you-look-like-a-drowned-rat-kind of downpour, and because Dandy is putting himself “out there” Tessa is inclined to reciprocate. He says his heart is full when he’s with her, and he wonders aloud where she came from. He admits she makes this whole process worth it for him, and they tenderly kiss. Later he tells us with this date, he achieved what he came here to do and the sky’s the limit. Wow, I think our boy’s roped and tied.
Back To Blubbering Bevin
Back in the mansion the ladies are packing their clothes in case they’re sent home tomorrow and the mood is dark. Bevin threatens that if Dandy chooses Tessa over her at the Rose Ceremony, she’s going to freak out. Way to display your maturity again, Bevin.
The Gardening Gloves Are Off
It’s the last-minute push before the Rose Ceremony and everyone’s jockeying for Dandy’s attention. Amber is up first, and Dandy confides to us that she may be a little immature for him (and Bevin isn’t?). She assures him she loves hanging out with him, and definitely feels a connection (drink!) with him.
Ack, it’s Bevin’s turn, so I turn the volume down on the television because it’s a good bet she’s going to be sniveling again. However I remember this might be a good time for her to fill Dandy in on that little misstep she had earlier in life (divorce is such a crass word, dontchaknow), and I don’t want to miss a word of that discussion, so the volume goes back up. He compliments her dress and she worries that he looks stressed. But that’s enough conversing for them and they quickly get down to what they do best…kissing. Ah, so much for her Big Confession. You know, divorce happens, and frankly the longer she waits to tell him, the more it’s likely to throw him for a loop when he hears it, especially since it will probably happen on the hometown date if she gets a rose tonight. Timing is everything - if she were mature she’d know that. I bet Amber does.
Tina hasn’t shown much affection to Dandy, so he’s not sure she even likes him. They begin with small talk about the wonderful day they had fixing up the school playground, but Dandy finally asks how she’d feel if he were to visit her family. She says she’s excited for him to meet her mother and brother, and with that, the conversation ends awkwardly. Well okay, then.
Tessa thanks Dandy for their date, and lets him know how important it was to have that time with him. She assures him that although this process is difficult for her, she’s glad she’s here, and they end their talk with a gentle kiss.
Danielle tells him she’s “into him,” and says she’d like to get to know him better. He likes her energy, sincerity, gentleness and says her class comes through loud and clear (whatever the hell that means). In private he tells us she’s the most invested in him, but he wonders if she’s more of a friend than a life-long partner.
The build up to Bevin and Amber “breaking all the rules” and sneaking into Dandy's Deliberation Room, has been huge tonight. But when they finally show the scene (that happens at some point prior to the Rose Ceremony) it turns out to be a whole lot of nothing. They dwell over the fact that they *could* be bringing Dandy home to meet their families next week. Big whoop.
Eventually it’s Stephanie’s turn to make one final impression on Dandy before he hands out the roses. I notice Dandy continues to refer to her as Stephanie Kansas, even though Stephanie South Carolina was cut last week. If I were Stephanie Kansas, that would certainly be number one on my list of pet peeves. They marvel over the bottle of wine they created, but Dandy is more concerned about the fact that Stephanie was “curt” when answering his questions on their date that night. She has an interesting way of courting a man because she tells him she’s the butt of her family’s jokes, and she wouldn’t be surprised if they even told blonde jokes during the hometown visit. Hey, Steph, Tessa knows a terrific blonde joke - maybe she could come, too.
Dandy’s final robotic words before the actual ceremony are, “I’m a Navy Lieutenant, I’m an Ironman, and I’ve been through a lot in my life, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” The time has come, and the six ladies line up to hear their fate. Only four roses will be given, and those who receive them will be taking Dandy home to meet their families. He’s had an incredible time with everyone and says they’re all amazing (drink!). He adds that this is the most difficult decision he’s made in his life. That’s odd, I would have thought enlisting in the Navy or perhaps even going to medical school might have qualified as much more difficult decisions. Silly me.
Roses are handed out as follows:
Bevin - Miss Maturity shouts “we’re going to Seattle, baby!” then proceeds to jump up and down like a five-year-old. The other ladies roll their eyes, and I gag a little watching her.
Amber - she happily accepts.
Tessa - she graciously accepts.
Danielle - she breathes a heavy sigh of relief and demurely accepts.
Tina and Stephanie say their goodbyes and Tina is sad about not being able to continue. She still believes coming here in her quest for love was worth putting her life on hold and putting her career at risk. She does regret that she shut down, however, and cries a little when she adds that in so doing, this is the biggest regret of her life. Aw, Tina, I thought you were fabulous, and wish you all the best. Stephanie also has some regrets because she says she let Dandy slip through her fingers, and she’s upset she kept her guard up so high. I wish her well also.
There’s definitely no sadness in the mansion as Dandy and his Final Four toast to their upcoming amazing (drink!) hometown visits. Previews for next week have Danielle’s dad making sure Dandy knows he’d better take good care of his little girl and Bevin finally drops the D bomb on Dandy - oh and would it surprise you if I tell you Bevin cries? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I look forward to watching Tessa’s family put Dandy through the wringer, but by far the most difficult visit certainly appears to be Amber’s because it sounds like her mother cancels at the last minute. What's on your pet peeve list? Let me know via a pm here.