Last week we added Quality Time (QT) to our Bachelor Drinking Game, and some of us replaced alcoholic drinks with coffee in a desperate attempt to avoid being lulled to sleep by Dandy’s monotonous voice. I vaguely remember Dandy sending home our token virgin, Alexis, along with Susan. Unfortunately I do remember (all too well) that Stephanie T., from South Carolina crossed the fine line between mildly irritating to get-her-off-my-television-screen-NOW status.
Welcome to Booty Camp
The sun rises over the peaceful Hollywood Hills, and our lovely ladies are tucked in their beds nursing hangovers according to Kate. Suddenly the calm is broken when a drill sergeant enters the mansion screaming for everyone to get downstairs immediately, and just seeing Chris Harrison standing behind Sarge laughing hysterically, tickles me to no end. Eventually the women straggle into the room, and Chris explains that since Dandy is in the Navy, they thought it would be a great idea to show the ladies what military life is all about. I wait for one of them to ask why they can’t simply watch the Charlie Sheen movie Navy Seals and be done with it, but I think they’re still half asleep because no one asks (or perhaps I’m giving them too much credit). Whoever performs the best will earn a rose at the end of the exercise, and Sarge wastes no time going upstairs to make sure their beds are being made correctly. He hands toothbrushes to two of the ladies for scrubbing the bathroom tiles, and my first thought is, do we need to make sure no one replaces Steph T.'s toothbrush with one of these? Wait, what am I saying? Let’s make sure they do, heheh.
Sarge and eleven of the women are out in the yard waiting for Nicole to join them. As she slips into line he tells her she might as well go home, and she turns to head back into the house, but he gets her back in line. This guy is hilarious, and I think he should become a regular on the show. He runs the women through a series of exercises, and points out that he’s already learned Erin’s name, which is not good because that means he’s had to bark at her too often.
After they’ve warmed up, Sarge demonstrates how they will run through tires laid out on the lawn, then crawl under a barricade. Kate worries their clothes will get grass stains and when Sarge asks her what’s more important - a rose or clean clothes - she says she wants both. I laugh because I fully expected her to utter her famous, “shut up,” and I know Sarge would have come unglued. Unfortunately just as this episode is becoming The. Best. Bachelor. Episode. Ever. Bevin gets her ankle entangled in one of the tires and goes down hard. It’s painful enough to watch her fall, but it’s gut-wrenching to see her ankle swell and turn blue right before our eyes. She says she has broken her ankle in the past and is afraid it has happened again. Sarge immediately takes on the role as Dad/Medic, showing his softer side, and it’s at this point I realize I’ve made a connection (drink!) on the show and want to begin my journey (drink!) with Sarge. Oh, damn, that’s right, I’m married, but I don’t see a ring on his finger, so in that case, I’ll be preparing a petition for Sarge to become our next Bachelor - he’s a natural. Dandy comes running up the driveway and assesses Bevin’s injury as a “displaced fracture over her left ankle.” Paramedics arrive with sirens blaring, and just before they load her into the ambulance, Dandy asks if she’ll accept The Rose from him. She manages to giggle a "yes" to him, and I think I heard the other ladies muttering, “damn, why didn’t I think of breaking my ankle?” Dandy is honored Bevin fractured her ankle for him (um, okay) and with that, Bevin and Dandy are on their way to the hospital.
Chris calls the women together in the living room and says although Bevin’s ankle is not broken, she and Dandy are still at the hospital. But let’s get back to things that really matter - like dating - shall we? This week there will be two group dates with Dandy (where one lucky girl will get some special QT [drink!], and another separate two-on-one date. Everyone tears into the Date Box, and Kate reads the names of those going on the first group date: Stephanie W., Nicole, Amber, Tina and Stephanie T. The note reads: let’s spend the day relaxing together, Love Dandy. Enclosed are robes and loofahs, leading everyone to believe they’re going to a spa.
We’re told Bevin is going to be fine, and Dandy and his harem drink champagne on their way to the spa. Once there, they change into bathing suits and climb into a huge mud pit. Steph T. says because she and Dandy are so attracted to each other they have a difficult time keeping their hands off each other, and I secretly hope that toothbrush exchange has already been made.
Talk About Needing A Crutch
Bevin returns to the mansion on crutches with her bluish purple ankle in a splint, and she shows the ladies the beautiful watch Dandy gave her at the hospital. A watch? I broke my ankle once, and all I got was surgery and a cast. Pffft. Amanda says they’re all a little jealous because Bevin not only got all that one-on-one time with Dandy at the hospital, but she also got a rose and a watch. You can bet they’ll be keeping this crafty strategy in the back of their minds for future use.
Back to Slinging Mud
Dandy Andy gathers his brood of women all freshly scrubbed and donning their fluffy white robes to share some champagne with him. He needs to determine which lucky lady will get the QT (drink!) with him, and since this is serious business, what better way to make a serious decision than with a woozy head after much drinking. Steph T. says this is the most fun she’s ever had playing in the mud, and one of the girls asks her to explain - I’m not sure why, though, because I have absolutely no problem believing she has spent a good portion of her life wallowing in the mud. One of the best moments of the night is when Dandy chooses Stephanie W. for the QT (drink!) and Steph T., looks like she’s been slapped in the face, heheh. She is not happy, and because I have a cold, black heart, that makes me very happy.
Steph W. and Dandy leave the others and get individual massages, while they hold hands and talk lightheartedly. Meanwhile, Steph T.'s fading confidence shows as she talks with the other ladies, and Tina thinks Steph is beginning to realize that Dandy has chemistry with several of them. Steph W. certainly is making sparks with Dandy because she’s now massaging his back and running her hands through his hair. She says he has muscles where she didn’t even know men had muscles. Hm, I thought the virgin left last week? *nyuk nyuk*
This Doctor Makes House Calls
Back at the mansion, the second Date Box arrives and Danielle announces who will be going on the next group date: Kate, Danielle, Erin and Amanda. The card reads, “Ladies…start your engines, Love Dandy.” Being smart women, Tessa and Peyton realize since their names have been excluded from both group dates, they are obviously the ones chosen for the Two-On-One Date, which also means one of them will be going home at the end of that date.
The Race Is On!
The anticipation is building, and Amanda says they’re so excited to drive racecars that if they find out that’s not what the date entails, they’re going to be incredibly disappointed. Speaking of disappointment, Dandy arrives and says he’s sad because Bevin was to be included on this date. Before the group leaves in their RV for their date, he checks on Bevin to make sure she’s been keeping her foot elevated, and she promises she has.
Lined up along the racetrack are yellow, silver and red cars (Mustangs?) raring to go. Before they begin, however, lunch is served, and Dandy takes Erin to the side for some, you guessed it, QT (drink!). She tells Dandy the only other date that would have been perfect for her would have been a date at a shooting range. After a stunned Dandy picks himself up off the ground, he tells us, “Erin may have bleached blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she sure can do some manly things.” I don’t even want to know what other "manly things" she can do.
Danielle tells Dandy she feels a connection with him (drink!), and then adds that sometime ago she was in bed with her boyfriend and when she awoke in the morning he was dead. I don’t even know what to say about a comment like that, so I’ll err on the side of caution and say nothing. She says it was a defining moment in her life, and Dandy tells us later that he totally connected (drink!) with Danielle and he loves how genuine she is.
Hot Women In Fast Cars
Everyone gets suited up in padded racing jumpers, and each woman will take turns driving Dandy around the course. Amanda is first up and is eager to take him for a ride. (Sorry, it was too easy, I had to say it). Dandy says she’s a natural, and Danielle quickly follows next, beating Amanda’s time slightly. Kate is off like a flash but hits about twenty safety cones, and Dandy can be heard shouting, “stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!” Hee. He says although she scared him he’s impressed with her desire to live life “full throttle.” Last but not least is Erin, who after stalling the car several times admits she’s never driven a stick shift before. Um, that might have been a good thing to mention before getting in the driver’s seat, but whatever. Either a lot more time elapsed and was edited out, or Dandy is one excellent driver’s ed teacher, because she quickly learns and actually does quite well. Dandy is so impressed he chooses Erin for the QT and the two of them drive off together as the others can only watch.
Driving along the Pacific Coast Highway in Dandy’s Bat Mobile, their interaction is like observing a couple of middle school teenagers- “I like you, do you like me? I definitely really like you.” I half expect them to talk about the cafeteria lady in the school lunchroom who sports a hair net and a moustache. Dandy works hard to draw her out of her shell, but she’s pretty guarded (or empty headed?), and you can physically see him eventually give up in frustration.
You’re In The Navy Now
Tessa and Peyton receive their Date Box, and the card attached says, “For your special 2 on 1 date there is only one rose…one stays, one goes. Chris Harrison (Party Pooper).” Included in the box are Navy dress whites, caps and t-shirts that say, “Future Sailor’s Wife.” The shirts are so cheesy looking, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were still warm from when Chris ironed on the letters.
As we watch Tessa and Peyton arrive for their date, we learn the two of them are fond of each other which makes this evening that much more difficult. The date is at a naval aircraft carrier, the USS Midway, in San Diego, which now serves as a museum. Dandy is there waiting for them and he’s excited to spend the evening with two beautiful, amazing (drink!) women. He’s spent a lot of time on ships during his career, and can’t wait to show the women this part of his life. They tour the boat, where Dandy shows them the living quarters and a mock operating room. He takes the opportunity to check Peyton’s heartbeat with a stethoscope and diagnoses that she needs some loving. I have to admit it’s refreshing to see the three of them engaged in interesting conversation, and let’s face it, any date without Steph T. is a great date in my eyes. Peyton really wants that rose because she wants someone like Dandy to move her to be the best that she can be. I guess if he were in the Army, she’d want to be all that she can be.
The three of them drink champagne as the sun sets and they discover this date is a ‘first’ of many things for the ladies: first time they’ve dated a doctor, first time they’ve dated a military man, and the first time they’ve been on a date with two girls and one guy...amateurs. Dinner is served out on the flight deck and with blankets to keep warm, they sit down to eat. Shortly thereafter, Peyton mentions The Rose that’s been staring at them, but Dandy says let’s drink and not think about it quite yet. Ah yes, many a difficult decision in life has been delayed until more wine is consumed such as "let’s talk about birth control after just a few more drinks."
Dandy takes Peyton aside and she confides that tonight has made everything become more real to her after seeing him on the ship. She holds nothing back when she tells him she’s crazy about him and thinks he’s wonderful. She adds that she hopes he’s looking for someone like her, and she makes sure he knows she’d like to stay. He’s pretty mute, so either he has decided to cut her loose, or he’s finally lulled himself into unconsciousness.
Tessa’s up to bat for our boy Dandy, and he says he’d like to see Tessa let her guard down a little more around him. They share stories about living in San Francisco, and as they talk, Dandy strokes her hand with his. It’s very sweet, but all too quickly we’re back in middle school with the mustachioed cafeteria lady, when he asks if she likes him. She says she enjoys being with him, but confesses that it’s crazy in the house with all the women. This gets Dandy’s attention, and he wants to know if it’s like a sorority party there - he's probably picturing the gals doing keg stands into the wee hours of the morning (perhaps they are). Tessa feels a connection, and you know what to do.
A helicopter comes in for a landing prompting Dandy to pick up The Rose. As he faces the two of them with a heavy heart he tells Peyton that he admires her convictions, but that he has a lot in common with Tessa and presents The Rose to her. Dandy actually cries softly as Peyton’s face drops in resignation, but he excuses himself to escort Tessa to the helicopter where she waits for him. He quickly returns to Peyton, tries to comfort her by saying the word "amazing" about 10 times, but Peyton cannot hide her disappointment. They say goodbye and Dandy joins Tessa in the helicopter. He feels a “substantial chemistry” with Tessa and thinks she is definitely “wife material.” Does that sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to anyone besides me? With the swelling of violins playing in the background, Dandy and Tessa kiss and snuggle as the helicopter takes to the skies, and a tearful Peyton fades into the background. Either Fleiss is getting good at pulling my heartstrings, or perhaps it’s because of the horror our nation has just experienced, but I actually catch myself shedding a few tears as we cut to a well-timed commercial. You should know, however, if anyone ever mentions I shed a tear or two watching The Bachelor, I shall deny, deny, deny.
Last night Dandy had a tough time saying goodbye to Peyton, and he’s not looking forward to a repeat tonight, but such is the duty of our Bachelor. The women are all decked out and only Tessa and Bevin can relax knowing they already hold roses. The other women know it’s important to make a last-minute impression on Dandy, so he and Amanda step outside for some private talk. His frustration with Amanda is quite clear when he confides to us that although she says she has great stories to tell about herself, she never shares them with him, even with his encouragement.
Kate worries Dandy only thinks of her as a party girl, and between you and me, I suspect he’s not very successful in allaying her fears, because he confirms his impression is that she’s outspoken and fun to be around. Feeling pressure about showing her serious side to Dandy, Kate tells us, “what do you want me to do, rescue an orphan from a fire?” I’d be willing to bet she’s not the only one feeling pressured right about now because behind the scenes, I’m guessing the ABC executives are putting the squeeze on Dandy to keep her around - she’s pure entertainment gold, and there have to be dollar signs flashing across their eyes.
The two Stephanie's want to assure Dandy they have very different personalities. Did that really need clarification? I mean, really, Stephanie W. hasn’t been on our television screens for more than five minutes, so we don’t know much about her but she doesn’t appear to be…well…evil. But we’ve definitely seen more than enough evidence to declare Stephanie T. is this season’s Resident Bitch. End of discussion, don’t you think? To Dandy’s credit he says although he may have had felt some affectation for Steph T. he does question her sincerity. Attaboy, Dandy, keep thinking with the head that’s above your shoulders.
Bevin may have the security of holding a rose, but she’s definitely not feeling confident. Dandy joins her outside and says he’s going to put his foot down and demand daily checkups with her. Well, someone has got to put their foot down since hers is fractured, right? *ba dum ching* They share some quick kisses between them and giggle like two star-crossed lovers.
When Dandy returns to the group, he sits next to Tina who wants him to talk about how he flosses. Oh, wait, that’s not right, she wants him to talk about his f-l-a-w-s. He demonstrates his self-awareness when he admits he’s too hard on himself and is probably too analytical at times.
I’m On A Serious Mission Here
Dandy retires to the Deliberation Room, where one by one he picks up the framed pictures of our Bachelorettes, pretending to be deep in reflection. In reality he’s probably wondering how many more times he gets to drive the Bat Mobile before the show ends. In the meantime Mr. Obvious points out that Bevin took quite a fall, but that she and Tessa already hold roses in their hands. Peyton was sent home earlier in the week, which means two women will be thrown off the Love Boat tonight. Dandy drones on about how difficult this decision is and he thanks them for their sincerity.
Roses are presented as follows:
Amber - she demurely accepts.
Danielle - she and her exposed breasts accept.
Stephanie W. - she accepts smiling broadly and Steph T. (and her over-plucked eyebrows) look pissed off, heheh.
Tina - she quietly accepts and Steph T.’s eyes bug out to my delight.
Kate - accepts and says, “you scared the crap out of me” (pure gold, I tell you).
Nicole - she gratefully accepts.
And the final rose goes to:
Stephanie T. - she moans when they hug and gladly accepts (damn, damn, damn).
Amanda and Erin say their goodbyes, and I decide it’s time to fire off that letter I’ve been thinking about. There needs to be some fine-tuning of this show, and I’ve got just the right solution. Wouldn’t it be great if we got to decide who he marries with a phone-in vote like the other shows? Think about it, the Bachelors don’t seem to have a very good track record -- how much worse could our choice be?
Next week the group takes off for Lake Tahoe where gambling, skiing, emotional breakdowns and back-stabbing commences. Woo hoo! If you’d like to sign my petition for Sarge As The Bachelor, let me know via a pm here.