My world became a much happier place last week with the return of my favorite brain-cell zapping show, The Bachelor. I always get such a kick out of the drunken stumbling of the bachelorettes during the premiere Rose Ceremony, and as much as I was disappointed that Dandy cut Lindsay and Blakeney loose, I suppose he had his reasons. But damn, as a viewer, I’ll miss watching their alcohol-induced antics on my television. On the bright side, however, I’m sure they won’t be the last ladies to over-imbibe and entertain us.
Warning: beginning tonight there will be a Bachelor recap rule change. I’ve decided in order to protect you, my valuable Bachelor friends, we need to switch from wine to strong coffee when celebrating key Bachelor words. The reason? There’s a fervent possibility that the drone of Dandy’s voice mixed with a few glasses of wine, and we’ll all be comatose within six…seven seconds max. It’s amazing the difference one week can make. Last week I described Dandy as yummy, but after this most recent episode, all I’ve got to say is, could Dandy BE any duller? <---- Spoken in true Chandler Bing fashion. Good grief, he’s like those hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. They always look promising on the outside, and you so hope they’re solid chocolate, but then you bite off one of the ears, and you realize all that’s inside is air. That’s our Dandy. *sigh* So, let’s all struggle to stay awake together, shall we?
Let The Madness Begin
Mr. Obvious aka Chris Harrison, informs our ladies there will be two group dates and one individual date. No roses will be handed out on the group dates, but the ladies will each be allowed some Quality Time (QT) with Dandy. At the end of the date, one lucky lady will remain for some extra special QT, providing she’s still conscious, of course, while the others must return to the house. Since Stephanie T. from South Carolina, got the First Impression Rose last week, she gets the first individual date. However, Dandy must present her with another rose at the end of their date, or she’ll be sent
to Exile Islandhome broken-hearted.
Chris points out the Date Box for today’s first Group Date, and the girls squeal in excitement. They tear into the box, and discover Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Stephanie W. from Kansas, Bevin, Amanda and Tessa will be joining Dandy for a tour of the Sunset Strip.
Since Dandy is a man of the sea, it appears no abode on land would do, so Fleiss has him housed on a yacht. He climbs into his Bat Mobile, and declares without emotion, “Operation Soul Mate is about to begin,” and my eyes automatically roll toward the heavens. He pulls up to the mansion, and the ladies shriek when they see the sports car - or maybe they were shrieking for him, it’s hard to tell. Everyone climbs aboard a party bus for their trip to Hollywood and naturally there’s plenty of champagne waiting for them. Once they’re all nestled inside, Dandy pops a cork - and opens the champagne, too. Holla!
Nicole tells us that Dandy is the total package, the guy you dream about. I don’t know, I actually prefer my men to have a personality, but maybe that’s just me. They wind up in a Country-Western bar, and being a native Californian, I can assure you that’s not the first thing I think of when someone mentions going to Hollywood. Of course, Fleiss has his ulterior motives, and it’s suddenly clear why he chose this place - at center stage sits a mechanical bull. Nicole is the first to climb aboard, and we finally see Dandy perk up a little. Don’t get me wrong, his voice still maintains the monotone he’s so cleverly perfected, but he does look a little more alive. He tells us he likes a woman who can get “down and dirty and break a nail.” Each woman takes a turn riding the bull, and none of them last very long. While waiting her turn, Tiffany confesses her palms are sweating and she’s scared for her life. Tiffany - it’s a mechanical bull - surrounded by air pads - and don’t forget, Dandy’s a doctor who just might be able to perform mouth-to-mouth successfully. Dandy over-shares when he tells us that watching the ladies during the vibrating portion of the ride totally turned him on. All I can say is thank you Mr. Cameraman for keeping the camera angle focused on his upper torso. I’m forever grateful. We’ve got a smart woman in Tessa, because when she worries her riding skills are not particularly sexy, she feigns an injury so Dandy will come running to the rescue. Kudos, Tessa. The gymnast, Stephanie W. from Kansas (I can’t wait for one of the Stephanie’s to go home, preferably Stephanie T., so we can drop the whole state-thing), is the last to ride, and the only one who isn’t bucked off. As of now, Dandy wants the one-on-one time to be with her (I’ll bet), however, the night is young, and certainly not enough alcohol has been consumed yet to be making such an important decision.
Free Rental Clothes
Next stop is a swanky hotel where a room full of evening gowns await the ladies, and they’re told they can choose one dress to wear for the rest of the evening. Tiffany says she’s never been on a date where the gentleman offered her a roomful of dresses before. I hate to tell you this, Tiff, but you still haven’t. Dandy isn’t offering anything to you - ABC is footing the bill - c’mon woman, snap out of it!
It’s a mob scene as everyone begins pawing through layers of chiffon and satin, and Amanda says they had to rely on each others’ opinions about fit, because there wasn’t a mirror in the room No mirror? What, are these women vampires?
As the ladies join him on the rooftop patio, he says he’s “blown away” by their beauty, and is it wrong that I hoped he might literally be blown right off the roof? I mean, I don’t want him to die or get seriously hurt or anything - maybe there could be one of those inflatable pads on the street below, and we could watch him hit the pad and bounce a little. You know - just enough to get a little rise out of him - not a rise as in what he was probably experiencing watching the ladies on the bull, but, er, ah, never mind. Ahem. They gather around for drinks of course, and Dandy pulls Nicole aside for a little chat. Later Nicole tells us she can’t get over his teeth and his smile. Hah. I know she meant it as a compliment, but still, it made me laugh. They attempt to salsa together, and by the looks of it, we won’t be seeing them on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon. Dandy’s concerned about the other ladies being jealous of Nicole, but he’s sure they understand that Nicole needs her time with him. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Dandy - he’s got a lot to learn about women. To keep themselves occupied while Dandy and Nicole are dancing, the women discuss whether or not to kiss on a first date. *yawn*
When Dandy and Alexis have some private time, he asks about her being home-schooled. To be honest, I’m having trouble concentrating on what they’re talking about because I'm pretty sure they've got 231 teeth between the two of them. Alexis is gorgeous, but she’s got a bit of a toothy grin going on, as does Dandy. He tells her he values life and family most of all, and wants to live a full life, which is why he decided to come on this show. In his robotic monotone, Dandy says Alexis is a beautiful woman, and he truly respects her strong morals and values. That would lead me to believe she’ll be getting a rose, but we’ll see about that when the Rose Ceremony comes along.
Bevin is annoyed because she’s the only one who hasn’t had alone time with Dandy. I’ve got an idea, Bevin - get off your rear and approach him, dumbass.
Woo Hoo! Bring On The Hot Tub
Everyone suddenly notices the hot tub prominently situated, and there’s talk of changing into their bikinis. Raising one eyebrow, Dandy jokes to the camera that the ladies looked gorgeous in their dresses, so he doesn’t know what’s better - women in dresses or bikinis. Perhaps, Mr. Obvious, who you know is staked out behind a planter, should come out and explain things to Dandy. Yoo hoo, Chris!
The ladies, still wearing their heels, return in their bathing suits, because you all know how sure-footed you feel when walking on wet surfaces in four-inch heels. Dandy waits until they return before stripping off his shirt, and once again the chicks cluck their approval at the rooster. As they soak in the hot water, Andy moves around snuggling up to various women, eventually pulling Bevin into the pool with him. As the others watch, the two of them swim with bodies interlocked, then they smooch underwater. Um, Dandy, we can still see you, and so can the ladies. Fearful of Dandy and Bevin being alone, they all jump into the pool to join them. Bevin once again is not happy.
Meanwhile Back At The Bat Cave
The Date Box arrives at the mansion for the remaining women. Susan opens the box, and with great difficulty reads the names of the ladies who are invited to meet Dandy poolside tomorrow: Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton. The box contains teeny workout clothes for the women, and a whistle. Erin zeroes in on the important things in life, and figures this means they’ll get to see Dandy with his shirt off tomorrow. Yeehaw!
Time Out For Quality
Dandy the Robot announces that he’s choosing Tiffany to “win" the Quality Time with him. Her face lights up, and they leave to change their clothes for the next part of the date. Again, Bevin is crushed. Don’t worry, Bevin, Dandy tells us he only chose Tiffany because she’s shy and he wanted to give her an opportunity to bask in his glow. Well, he didn’t actually say bask but you know he was thinking it. Quality Time definitely needs to be added to our Bachelor Word List, because it’s been uttered about 10 times in the last 20 seconds. Besides, I could use more caffeine right about now. I’m going to spare you all the torture that was this date by simply saying, this has got to be The. Most. Awkward. Bachelor. Date. Ever. They take a limo up to Inspiration Point, where it becomes quite apparent there is nothing inspirational about the two of them together, and watching them is like watching paint *zzzzzzz snort zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz*
Looking For Sporty Spice
The following day, Dandy can’t wait to see the reactions on the girls’ faces when they realize they’ll be participating in a mini triathlon. He waits for them by the pool where stationary bikes are lined up on one side of the deck. The ladies hold hands as they approach Dandy, and he says what has quickly become his catch phrase, “oh my goodness!” They take turns hugging him, and Dandy suggests everyone down some mimosas, and eat a large breakfast before the challenge. You know, for years Mr. Rose and I enjoyed running long-distance, even completing the L.A. Marathon, and it never occurred to us to drink mimosas nor gorge on food before a race. What were we thinking?
Tina assumes they may be involved in something athletic (she’s a keen one), and fears her ability is mediocre at best. Therefore, she asks Dandy to join her in looking at the pier, and they walk off together. Instead of giving her credit for being a quick-thinker, the others are jealous, with Kate going so far as to call her a “hussy.” She’s clearly annoyed that they’re not even looking at the pier, which tickles me to no end. Settle down, Kate.
I enjoy the conversation between Medical Student Tina and Dandy, although it reminds me of college discussions I had with my buddies, not necessarily someone I was interested in romantically. But all relationships have to begin somewhere, and at least they have medicine in common. Also it’s refreshing she can actually carry on a conversation without including the words connection or journey.
In sharp contrast, Susan and Erin (looking ever so much like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie) decide it’s time to interrupt the Medical Duo, and are trying to figure out the best way to accomplish this task. Their conversation goes something like this:
Erin: You just say hi and then we’ll sit down.
Susan: Okay me and you will both go hi, like that…
Erin: We’ll go hey, and we’ll sit down. That’s all we’ll do.
Arm and arm they approach Dandy and Tina to say hi, but when Dandy says he’ll be right with them, they realize The Big Plan isn’t quite working out the way they had hoped, and I’m laying on the floor laughing my ass off.
The Woman We Love To Hate
Okay, Stephanie T. is easily the most exasperating woman on the show. She reminds me of Lisa from Prince Larry’s season, and I’m so ready for this chick to be gone. She runs to get her individual Date Box, and the card reads, “Come dine with me on my yacht under the stars.” Included in the box is a pair of binoculars, and she assures her roommates if the opportunity to make out with Dandy presents itself, she’s taking it. Seriously, did anyone have any doubts about that?
Now that the runners are woozy from the mimosas and their tummies are full, it must be time to run, bike and swim. Dandy looks forward to seeing who doesn’t want to get their hair wet. Oo, oo, I know the answer already! *raises hand high in the air* I’m betting my money on the Bobbsey Twins, Erin and Susan. Erin, with her lip and boob enhancements firmly in place, doesn’t think she should have to win a race in order to get a rose. Well, one thing’s for sure, we know she won’t sink in the pool, but about the biking or running, I suppose anything is possible. Dandy explains the girls will swim four laps in the pool, followed by two miles on the spin bikes, finishing up with running five laps around the pool. Right on cue, Susan confirms she doesn’t like to get her hair wet, then she and Erin hold hands and walk their way to last place in the pool. It’s on to the bikes, and Danielle is the first to finish her two miles and begin running. As a runner, I know the importance of a good sports bra, otherwise you risk getting what’s known as Cooper’s Droopers. So heed my advice, ladies - don’t run in a bathing suit top - just a little tip from Roses, with love. *kiss* Amber finishes with the bike and trails Danielle running around the pool. She’s in training for a 2007 marathon, so she easily catches, then passes Danielle, winning the triathlon and a hug from Dandy. Can you guess which two women tied for last place? Ding, ding, ding. Those of you who guessed the Bobbsey Twins take a drink of coffee. Trust me, the night is young, and you’re going to need it anyway.
Special QT Woman
Since Amber won the triathlon, she gets the Special Quality Time SQT (drink!) with Dandy. SQT to Dandy means chin-ups and swinging from ring to ring, like monkeys on one of those ring-things. <----- technical term. Eventually they end up playing on a swing-set with all the other girls watching and hating. Dandy wastes (or would that be waists) no time snuggling up to her with his hands on her hips. When he discovers she’s a good cook, he says if she cooks, he’ll do dishes. Amber has butterflies in her stomach, but I’m thinking it’s most likely the rich breakfast and mimosas churning in her stomach after all that exercising. Dandy can see them spending lots of time together, which of course we all know in Bachelor Speak can mean anything from 30-90 minutes.
The Most Obnoxious Woman. Ever. She’s A Devil In Disguise
It’s official. I want Stephanie T. off my television screen pronto, which sadly means with my track record, she’ll probably be around until final two. Blech. She’s convinced she’ll be getting a rose after her date with Dandy, and she begins trying on various skanky dresses. The other women are sitting around a gargantuan bottle of rum on the dining room table, and they are not pleased when they see the micro mini dress Stephanie is wearing.
Dandy is excited to take Stephanie out on his yacht (excuse me, his yacht?) for a sunset cruise. The champagne is chilled and they toast to an amazing evening. Drink! The yacht takes off, and gag me - they do the Titanic king-of-the-world pose, with him giggling like a little girl. Apparently Dandy is quite the Bachelor expert, because he’s very much aware that the woman who gets the first roses makes the others tread on jealous waters. She assures him that she can handle them (I bet she can), and she insists the others are petty and immature.
Wishing and Hoping
While our lovebirds are yachting, the other ladies back at home are miserable. Bevin is hoping Stephanie gets seasick, and for once I agree with her. They play the beloved family game, What Annoyed You Most When You First Met Stephanie? Various answers range from the way she acted after getting the first rose to the way she’s researched his likes and dislikes so she will act accordingly. She just annoys me. Period. Most of the girls think she’ll be coming back with a rose, and they’re not pleased about it.
Very Small Talk
Nothing gets you in the mood for a hot tub like talking about wedding plans. Stephanie asks what his ideal wedding would be - do men even dream of such things? I mean, I know they dream about the ideal honeymoon (rain, sleet, snow, anything to keep you indoors, heheh), but Dandy says he’d like to have a Hawaiian wedding and I applaud him for his vague answer.
They strip down to their bathing suits and he doesn’t even attempt to hide the fact that he’s staring at her breasts. Am I the only who finds him rather skeevy? *shudder* He presents her with the rose and they share a somewhat lackluster kiss on the lips. Later, obviously after much liquor, Steph drunkenly says she’s got a rosssseee, and while the other girlsh are going to be stressssssed at the Rossse Sheremony, she’ll just be talking to Shandy.
Like a dog who has a knack for finding his way home, Steph returns to the mansion, and some of the girls are waiting for her on the stairs. She talks at length about everything they did and said on the date, and makes sure the ladies know they kissed, although she does minimize the kiss saying he only kissed her on the cheek.
Because these ladies are emotionally still in high school, they’re in their beds in the dark, talking about whether Stephanie and Dandy might really have kissed. During their discussion, Stephanie walks by, listens at the door then appears to go to bed troubled.
Another Day In The Life Of Mr. Bachelor
Tonight is the second Rose Ceremony, and Dandy arrives at the mansion in his finery. The ladies are also decked out in low-cut, bosom-exposing dresses, with their makeup fresh and drinks in hand. Dandy, being a man on a mission, has a plan, and that plan is to closely observe the women tonight to make sure he’s keeping the right ones. Tina pulls him aside, and she must be pretty nervous because the ice in her glass in tinkling and jingling as she tells him she worries she’ll be going home tonight. She’s adorable and intelligent - it’s a shame she’s so insecure. She says other men have been threatened by her ambition, but he tells us that she engages and challenges him, and he finds that sexy.
Peyton takes Dandy aside to tell him she’s not just an empty-headed sorority girl. She asks Dandy what he looks for in a woman, and he says he likes women who have integrity and inspire others. After their two-minute talk, she’s convinced she could potentially marry him. What do they put in that champagne anyway? I'm left more convinced than ever that she is an empty-headed sorority girl.
Is There A Virgin In The House?
Stephanie T. “knows” that Alexis is a virgin, and she thinks that gives Alexis the upper hand saying, “what guy wouldn’t like that.” In front of the other women, she then asks Alexis if there is a virgin in their group, and Alexis says probably, trying to sound nonchalant. But immediately afterward, she develops a myriad of facial tics dispelling any doubts who it might be. She pulls Dandy away from the others, but we’re not privy to their conversation. Later she tells us they had a serious moment - make of that what you will.
A Connection (Drink!) Of A Different Sort
It’s apparent two people have connected in a special way, but sadly it has nothing to do with Dandy. Erin and Susan, both wearing red dresses, are joined at the hip and hold hands throughout much of the evening. At one point Dandy sits between them, and a slurring Nicole points out it was like looking at “Barbie, Ken, Barbie,” and that “two Kens and one Barbie don’t work.” Hee. Erin informs Dandy that she and Susan are Soul Mates, then corrects herself, saying they’re Soul Sisters. I love Erin and Susan and hope they stick around solely for my entertainment…to hell with what Dandy wants.
Amber steals Dandy away from the group and takes him upstairs to show off the house. I learn for the first time they’re all crammed into just a few bedrooms. That house is huge, why in the hell are they jammed so tightly together? Knowing Fleiss, it’s most likely to elevate tensions in the house, and it certainly helps explain why Erin and Susan are so cozy together. Amber informs him all their belongings need to be packed before each Rose Ceremony on the off chance they could be
voted off the islandnot given a rose. He’s stunned, and being a doctor, feels badly for inflicting pain on others. They’ll get over it, Dandy.
During his alone time with Tessa she tells him she’s training for a triathlon and he says he’ll be doing the ironman competition there. She laughs saying if this doesn’t work out, she’ll see him there. I’m not sure how you go from talking about triathlons to massaging each other’s feet, but they do and it seems to work for them. Not long after, however, Alexis and Stephanie W. walk in on them carrying shots of booze on a tray. I notice when Dandy slams his shot, his toes curl, and it catches me off-guard. I would have expected that from the girls, not him, and it freaks me out. Eek.
Danielle gets Dandy alone telling him a doctor was called because she has a mild ear infection from swimming. He kisses her ear, and she jokes that she won’t be needing the medicine now. I think I see sparks between them, but maybe it’s just electricity from the jolts of pain she’s experiencing. She makes sure he knows that in her graphic design profession, she can travel anywhere as long as she has her computer. He understands that if she were to move to, say, Hawaii, it would be an easy transition for her. He feels a connection. Drink!
Bevin finally corners him and he asks why she’s doing the show. She says she wanted to take a risk and look for a life partner. She also adds that she’s been on her own since she was 15, and I’m surprised he doesn’t probe her more about that. I’d sure want to know the details about such a claim. She’s crossing her fingers that she’ll get a rose.
It’s Nicole’s turn to bask in all that is Dandy, and they dance outside by the pool. They enjoy being around each other, and talking is not high on their list of things to do together. She says they got close to kissing, but didn’t, and in retrospect she’d like the moment back so she could correct that.
Houston, We Have A Problem
What do you get when you throw 15 women together in a house without any outside stimulation that doesn’t involve Dandy, and but does involve a lot of booze? A meltdown, and typically more than one. Our first Bachelorette to breakdown is Tessa as she gets to the point where she tires of talking of nothing but Dandy, but hasn’t been able to spend any real, say it with me now, Quality Time with him. She runs upstairs to sob in the bathroom, and Peyton (?) sensing her absence, comes upstairs to comfort her.
Chris Harrison’s contract states he gets to be the Party Pooper, and he joins everyone downstairs, clinking his glass signaling it’s time for the ceremony to begin. There are 15 women, and only 11 roses, since Stephanie T. has already received one, meaning three women will be cut loose.
The serious music is cued, the ladies are lined up with The Bobbsey Twins side-by-side in their matching dresses and Dandy marches in. He thanks them for being there, and says if they don’t receive a rose, it only means they didn’t have that special connection (drink!) with him, and he truly believes the right man will find them eventually. Gee, thanks, Dandy, for those uplifting words.
Roses are presented as follows:
Tessa - her tears were in vain and she quietly accepts.
Danielle - she graciously accepts.
Bevin - she’s extremely relieved and absolutely accepts.
Amber - she accepts with a big smile.
Stephanie W. - she happily accepts.
Kate - says her usual “shut up,” and in her best impression of the mermaid from Splash, giggles and squeaks out, “of course!” Gah.
Nicole - she looks surprised, then they laugh together.
Tina - she demurely accepts.
Peyton - she happily accepts.
Amanda - she graciously accepts, as Erin whispers to Susan, “I think we’re both going home.”
And the final rose goes to:
Erin - her lips approach Dandy, with Erin right behind.
Susan and Alexis look crushed, for different reasons, I’m sure. I’m guessing Alexis is sorry to see her time with Dandy come to an end, but I suspect Susan is distraught at having to say goodbye to Erin. I’m also quite certain they’ve already exchanged myspace addresses, and are planning an upcoming slumber party.
Tiffany tells us she was confident she’d be getting a rose, and I have to wonder what date she was on the other night, that she thought they had connected. Alexis is disappointed, but she believes God is in control of her love life, so she’s not going to fret about it. Better him than Fleiss, Alexis.
Next week, Stephanie T. will continue to grate on my nerves, Tina gets jealous and during an obstacle course someone requires aid from the paramedics. Now, how many Bachelorettes does it take to solve the simple math problem of 15 - 12 = ? According to tonight’s outtake, it takes four. How many friends do you need to solve tonight’s math quiz? Let me know here.