Hey Kids, isn’t it great to be back in The Bachelor saddle again? Let’s face it, Prince Lorenzo was a royal disappointment. *ba dum ching* Sorry, but that was just begging to be said because not even Italy could inject romance for his season. But enough about him, there’s a new man in town, baby, and he’s yummy. Aside from his sparkling Crest White Strips® smile, he’s a Navy medical officer and Ironman triathlete, stationed in Pearl Harbor, who answers to the name of U.S. Navy Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, M.D. So don your favorite tacky bridesmaid dress, and get out your box of wine for tapping into at the mention of such treasured Bachelor words as ‘journey,’ ‘connection,’ and/or ‘amazing.’
The show immediately starts off with clips of Dandy Andy looking smashing in his uniform and also looking tanned and hunky as he runs bare-chested along Hawaii’s shores. He tells us he has a huge heart and can’t wait to be married with children, and he’s excited to find the love of his life. Chris Harrison not only promises Andy will propose at the end of the season, but we actually hear Dandy saying, “will you marry me?” What quickly follows is a woman's voice who mixes giggles with muffled sobs in what I can only guess is her way of saying “yes.” Bring it on, Fleiss, we’re more than ready!
It’s The Six Million Dollar Man
Before we’re introduced to this season’s drunks, whores and bitches, we’re forced to sit through Andy’s life story. Andy grew up in Lancaster, PA, right smack in the middle of Amish country, and was raised without a lot of material things. Maybe they didn’t have a lot of material things, but how does that explain why in the hell we’re shown a picture of Little Andy and his brother holding Cabbage Patch® dolls in one of the family pictures? I think we just discovered why he hasn’t found the woman of his dreams yet, although I am relieved to see he wasn’t holding a Barbie® doll, (or perhaps his parents are keeping those pictures under wraps until he brings home someone they don’t like). In order to get the money needed for college, he took on several jobs such as mowing lawns, being a lifeguard, and was even awarded Newspaper Carrier of the Year. Yowza. Eventually little Dandy did grow up, and after being valedictorian of his high school class, he won a full scholarship to Duke University from the U.S. Navy. On track to become a Navy SEAL, the Navy instead offered to send him to medical school, and he couldn’t resist. After graduating from the University of California San Francisco medical school, he won a coveted spot tending to an elite special ops dive unit in Pearl Harbor. As we watch his overview, I get the impression he’s rather robotic, and I’m reminded of Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. Remember, their tag line? “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man.” Dandy is The Bachelor’s equivalent.
“Yoo hoo! Sailor!"
Chris welcomes us to the show, and informs us today is not only the beginning of a long journey (drink!), but it’s also Andy’s 30th birthday. Right on cue, Dandy pulls up in his testosterone-infused sports car, and says, “this is amazing!” Drink! Chris assures Dandy that 25 beautiful women are here, and that they’re dying to meet him. I’m immediately disappointed that Dandy doesn’t retort, “well, it’s a good thing I brought my defibrillator then.” Chris shows Dandy the rose prominently displayed and says for the first time, Dandy will be required to give the rose to whomever he fancies before they enter the mansion…a true first impression rose. Since Dandy is accustomed to following rules, we can count on him obeying Chris’ demands, but don’t you secretly wish Dandy would offer it to Chris just to shake things up?
The first limo pulls up, and by the sounds of the giggles and shrieking, it’s obvious the champagne has been liberally flowing. Being Bachelor fiends, these ladies aren’t about to miss a trick, and they immediately catch sight of the rose. And oh yeah, they see Dandy, too. They spill out as follows:
Alexis, 26, Attorney, Southlake, TX
Alexis is a long-legged beauty, with a toothy smile that rivals Dandy’s. The conversation is awkward but not half as awkward as their embrace before she ducks out of sight.
Nicole, 26, Sales Manager, Charleston, SC
Nicole looks like she’s about to pass out, and reminds herself to breathe. She tells Dandy she’s glad he’s a doctor because he can save her. See? She knows about the defibrillator.
Amanda, 26, Financial Analyst, Dallas, TX
Amanda says she’s never waited so long to meet someone before. He loves her dress, and she tells him he’s handsome. *yawn* Next!
Peyton, 24, Sorority Recruiter, Dallas, TX
Dandy notices her strong Southern accent and when he learns she’s originally from Tennessee, he says he loves Southern women.
Catherine, 23, Former Miss Illinois, Lake Forest, IL
Whoa, Catherine has been a little heavy handed with the fake tanner, and when he hears she’s from Chicago, he says his brother just got married there. She’s unnaturally thrilled to hear this little tidbit of information.
Amber, 23.Teacher, Sugar Land, TX
Andy says, “wow” as she approaches him. She says since she’s from Sugar Land, she’s probably the sweetest one there. *rolleyes*
Blakeney, 29, Radio Sales, Birmingham, AL
Andy compliments Blakeney on her dress, and I think he’s nuts because I’m guessing that dress has been previously worn at a fraternity toga party. She tells him they’re going to have so much fun - at this point, he has no idea how entertaining she’s going to be later after one too many cocktails.
Danielle V., 26, Attorney, Bronx, NY
Although she looks rather bony, she confidently strides up to Dandy telling him he looks better in person than he did on the internet. Wow, should she be admitting to checking him out on the internet as soon as she meets him?
Jackie, 23, Executive Coordinator, Minneapolis, MN
Andy looks impressed at his first sight of Jackie, saying, “oh my gosh.” Not one to waste any time, she comes right out and asks him about the rose. He doesn’t offer it, but says it’s one of many that will be given out tonight. I’m sure she’s muttering under her breath.
Stephanie W., 23, Project Manager, Overland Park, KS
When asked, she tells Andy where she’s from adding that it’s under-rated. Um, okay. Not much small talk between them, and with that, she’s gone.
Since Chris, Mr. Obvious, hasn’t been onscreen for several minutes, he walks back into the picture stating that he notices the rose is still there. Dandy says the evening has been amazing (drink!), but that he’s still waiting to present the rose to a woman with “special energy.”
Tina, 26, Medical Student, Hollywood, CA
We have our first lovely lady in Tina. She’s wonderfully understated compared to the others, and he says she looks smashing. She loses a few points in my eyes though when she gives him the fortune from a fortune cookie that says, “your dreams will become a reality.” She tells him she hopes he can make that true, and he responds by calling her a sweetheart.
Erin, 24, Financial Analyst, Logansport, LA
Although I consider Erin quite plastic looking, Dandy thinks she has beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous eyes (maybe he does play with Barbie dolls). He’s a little tongue-tied, and she scurries off.
Susan, 23, Boutique Manager, The Woodlands, TX
Their conversation is extremely stilted, and they both seem satisfied to have her dart into the mansion.
Stephanie T., 27, Organ Donor Coordinator, Folly Beach, SC
Steph must have forgotten to bring a dress, because it looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth she found at a local restaurant along the way. Dandy surely doesn’t notice, because he can’t take his eyes away from hers, and when she asks about the rose, he eagerly presents it to her. They share an intimate hug, and I do believe his hand was way below her lower back as he tells her “to relax.” Dandy’s definitely making a move, ladies and gents. Trouble stirs as once inside the mansion, Blakeney sees Stephanie holding the rose, and declares, “Okay girls, get your claws out!" Meow!
Danielle I., 25, Graphic Designer, Bethel, CT
She obviously saw him give Stephanie the rose and says she’s one girl late, adding that she loves roses. But she doesn’t stick around for small talk, and with that she steps inside the Bat Cave.
Bevin, 28, Clinic Research Coordinator, Palo Alto, CA
Sparks seem to fly between these two, and she asks where’s his uniform. He might put it on later he tells her, and they both giggle. Rowwwwr, he’s definitely interested in her.
Tessa, 26, Social Worker, San Francisco, CA
The front of her dress has sequins on it and Dandy enthusiastically says, “you’re sparkling” as she approaches him. She tells him some stupid muffin joke you’d expect to hear from an eight-year-old, but he makes the best of it. As she turns to leave her dress gets momentarily caught on something - I think I saw Chris hiding in the bushes.
Candace, 23, Waitress, Hilton Head Island, SC
Eek, Candace wins the award for Weirdest Hairstyle - think about a cross between a 70’s disco/over-processed Dynasty look. Perhaps smelling something on her breath, Dandy asks if she’s had plenty of champagne.
Jeanette, 27, Health Care Manager, Tampa, FL
Dandy blurts out that she’s gorgeous, and she returns the compliment saying he looks wonderful.
Lindsay Jo, 22, Student, Lawrence, KS
Showing her young age all too well, she scrunches her shoulders, giggles and says she’s a Duke fan, too, and then is gone like a flash.
Kate, 24, Boutique Owner, Charleston, SC
Well, we’ve got our party animal in Kate. Once outside the limo, she strikes a pose, make that many poses, and announces she’s wearing a short dress. Um, yes, I guarantee you, Kate, that Dandy noticed. She knowingly tells him they have a lot to talk about. I don’t think he’s got talking on his mind right about now.
Linda, 33, Attorney, Cuyahoga Falls, OH
Yikes, Linda’s got some kind of crazy eyes, and she’s not afraid to use them. She fixates on him, and says she’s heard a lot about him. Run, Dandy, run!
Tiffany F., 27, Real Estate Sales/Development, St. Louis Park, MN
As soon as he spots her, he says “oh my gosh, you look so elegant.” She responds by calling him Adam as a joke. Har-de-har-har. And just in case he hadn’t noticed, she informs him he’s got lots of beautiful girls to meet tonight.
Jessica, 32, Hedge Fund Analyst, New York, NY
Jessica immediately tells him she’s pretty nervous, they exchange about four words, and with that, she’s outtathere.
Tiffany W., 28, Medical Equipment Sales Representative, Boston, MA
She tells him she’s the last woman, and he smoothly responds that they saved the best for last.
Chris pops out from the bushes again, and Dandy says this is beyond his wildest dreams, and he just may have met his future wife. Chris tells him to get ready for the biggest night of his life - yes, because as we all know, completing Ironman competitions, and becoming a doctor are such trivial accomplishments.
Hold My Legs, I’m Going In
Dandy strolls into the Bat Cave, half salutes the ladies, and they squeal and appropriately snap to attention. Not knowing how to address everyone he blurts out, “I need a drink.” I have a feeling these ladies will see to it that he has plenty to drink. Lindsay, who seems quite tipsy already says that Dandy is hotter than the Kansas sun, and she’s claiming him as hers. It’s obvious why Fleiss chose Peyton to be on the show because after knowing Dandy for all of 15 minutes, she declares he’s the Perfect Guy. Stephanie T., who already has a rose, must have her own fortune cookie that she’s counting on because she says she’s going to continue to get roses until she’s got that ring on her finger.
No party would be complete without learning how to salute properly, and Dandy offers to teach a select few women. Blakeney is about three sheets to the wind already, and slurs as she talks. When Amber mentions she’s a teacher, Dandy says he loves kids. Being a smart woman, she grasps the opportunity to tell him how much she misses her students being away from them. Amber feels a connection to Dandy, and you know what that means. Drink!
Dandy joins Amanda on a chaise outside under the stars. They both lay back sharing a sweet moment together, and she just happens to mention her Master’s program and climbing the Great Wall of China. At least this bachelor knows what she’s talking about. You can bet Jesse would have wondered what exactly she had mastered, and sure as rain would have thought she was talking about a climbing wall at the local mall. Dandy is feeling a connection to many of the ladies, and I hope none of you are reading, drinking and driving.
Bevin has decided the perfect way to appeal to Dandy is to show him the scars on her legs from mountain biking, and I’ll be damned if she guesses right because he thinks it’s hot, and fans himself. She adds she “likes to get beat up.” Social workers across the nation are cringing right about now. Later she tells us he made her hot and bothered. TMI! TMI!
How does Crazy Eyes Linda spend her private time with Dandy? She goes on and on about how she’s been stalking him (okay, my words, but really, it sounds like stalking) on the internet, and I notice he looks appropriately frightened. Do you think he’s got that protective order by now? She thinks they have a great connection (drink!) because she was in the military and loves to work out.
O-oh Say Can You See, The Des-per-ate Wo-men?
Tina knows (her words, not mine) she’s not the prettiest woman there, and that she doesn’t have the best dress, so she wants to demonstrate her talent. And how does she do that, you might ask? Why, she sings The Star Spangled Banner, of course. Yes, you read that right. As she sings her little heart out, the women in other parts of the mansion hear her and gather to see what’s going on. Dandy wipes a tear from his eye, and says no one has ever sung to him before, let alone that song. He’s very patriotic and deeply touched. When the ladies see his reaction, they join him in applause, although they certainly do it begrudgingly.
Danielle I. must not be able to sing, because she tries to pluck at Dandy’s heartstrings by telling him about her visit to a psychic (oy, where do they find these women?), and how her college boyfriend unexpectedly passed away (cue sad faces), and she established a scholarship fund in his honor. Dandy confides that he has set up a fund in honor of his late uncle, and I guess Catherine, who is sitting there with them, must not have a dead relative that she can throw into the conversation, because she simply sits there. Anyway, the psychic told Danielle that the third boyfriend would be “the one,” and yep, you guessed it, Dandy would be Boyfriend #3. Run, Dandy, run!
Crazy Eyes Linda says she has a way of leaving a lasting impression on people even when she doesn’t mean to. Yeah, I’m thinking it’s those eyes - it’s hard to forget them. I’m just hoping I don’t have nightmares tonight.
Cat Scratch Fever
Dandy takes Tiffany W. outside for some quiet conversation, but Stephanie T. is having none of it, and shouts down to them from the balcony. Hey, you’ve got a rose, sister, back off.
After hours of drinking, the bloom is certainly coming off the rose with some of these ‘ladies,’ most definitely, Lindsay. She can’t understand why Dandy gave the rose to Stephanie T. because “she’s not cute, actually kinda heinous.” As she rubs her fingers on her teeth, she drunkenly asks Stephanie what she did to get the rose. Stephanie haughtily replies that he must have liked her smile. I have found my love connection for the night in Tiffany F., as she has a very clear vision of what’s going on when she states that Lindsay is a bomb waiting to go off. We can only hope.
Tessa decides her big chance to make a good impression on Dandy is to mention her parent’s divorce when she was a teen. You can see his face fall as if to say, “good Lord, not another sob story?” As if that’s not enough, when she and her mother were on a vacation, their money and passports were stolen. But wait, there’s a happy ending to this tale of woe, because some stranger gave them money and hiked with them, and by the end of the trail, her mother was in love and eventually they married. That stranger is now Tessa’s stepfather. Tessa feels a connection with Dandy. Drink!
A group of ladies are sitting outside and Blakeney *hic* is absolutely *hic* sloshed. She can barely string two words together, and between giggles and hiccups manages to announce Dandy is “ash cute ash a frikkin’ puppy.” Or maybe she said “button.” Anyway, she thinks he’s cute, all three of him - you know she's got to be seeing triple right about now. She suddenly falls down, and Obnoxious Lindsay shouts out, “you jackass, hahahahahahah!” You can hear Blakeney say she thought it was funny, but Lindsay is one of those angry drunks and thinks Blakeney is talking smack. She bolts out of her chair and with cameramen clamoring to get a good shot, confronts Blakeney. They’re both wasted and neither looks charming at this point. Is it wrong of me to hope they both get roses? Heheh.
Happy Birthday To Us!
Dandy is visiting with Nicole and Peyton when Peyton mentions that today is her 24th birthday. Dandy says he has a “special something” to share with her - whoa, I sit up thinking things are escalating quickly. But Dandy’s surprise is that today is his birthday, too, and he gets up to give her a peck on the cheek. *sigh* Nicole announces to everyone that today is Peyton’s and Dandy’s birthdays. Of course, the women make the leap to figuring that means Peyton is almost assuredly getting a rose, which means of course, one less for the rest of them.
Cooking With Wine(o’s)
A sozzled Nicole decides to bake a cake in order to get Dandy’s attention. She coerces Tiffany W. to join her in the kitchen, and when they can’t find eggs in the refrigerator, they substitute tequila and bake as directed. In the meantime, Crazy Eyes Linda has come to the conclusion that she has an edge over the other ladies because of her “OCD with regard to my workouts and training. Andy is my mirror image in a male form.” I don’t know how to tell you this, Linda, but his eyes don’t bug out, so I don’t see it, but whatever. She challenges him to pushups and he’s impressed with her form. From there, Lindsay hikes up her skirt and does squats with him, and although the cameraman was certainly trying, we’re somehow spared from seeing her nether-regions ala Britney. Short-skirted Kate does the worm on the floor prompting a high-five from Dandy. Not to be outdone, Stephanie W. does a back handspring and a series of flips (in her long dress) ending up demurely sitting on a bench outside. Dandy thinks she’s awesome. I’ll bet he does - most men like bendy women, heheh.
By this time, the cake is out of the oven, and the two ladies smear frosting on it with their bare hands. They throw a few candles on top, and everyone sings happy birthday. Dandy makes a wish, blows out the candles, and the naïve (or drunk) man declares it the most beautiful cake he’s ever seen.
Every Party Has A Pooper
…and for The Bachelor it’s Chris Harrison. He enters the room to snag Dandy and take him to The Deliberation Room - say it with me now - ooooh. Lindsay is sure she’s getting a rose and predicts it’s going to be smooth sailing for her - I guess she’s so drunk she doesn’t see that tidal wave coming at her from the distance. Dandy tells us he’s a very caring person, and it’s going to kill him to send some of them home. Looks like we’ll be needing that defibrillator again.
The ladies are lined up facing their uncertain future, some more lucid than others. Mr. Obvious reminds everyone that Stephanie T. already has a rose, so there are only 14 left. Dandy marches into the room, and thanks everyone for coming. They’ve made his birthday extra special, and surpassed all his expectations. Personally, I was hoping for a few more freak-outs, so my expectations are still raised.
The roses are presented as follows:
The birthday girl, Peyton, Bevin, Kate, Alexis, Danielle I., Amber, (uh oh, Linda’s eyes are bugging even more and Lindsay looks like she’s about to blow) Tiffany W., Tessa, cake maker Nicole, Susan, Amanda, Erin, (Lindsay is fuming and rolls her eyes), singing Tina, and the final rose goes to back-flipper Stephanie W.
With the final rose gone, Lindsay picks up her shoes which she must have ditched at some point during the night, and she’s out of there. She storms past Dandy, and starts ranting to the cameramen outside, who are loving every minute of this. The ladies in the house say their goodbyes, and outside Lindsay is swearing about how she didn’t get a rose because she’s not blonde and doesn’t have fake boobs. In classic bitch form, she then turns on Dandy saying he’s “short and his head is big and his teeth look fake." Hee. By this time the other rejected women have joined her outside, and they watch her with a combination of horror and amusement. Lindsay leaves us with the classic line, “I’m a bitch. I don't care."
Inside the Bat Cave the frivolity continues as the lucky ladies toast to their possible futures with Dandy. I toast you my fellow Bachelor fans, and look forward to tears, paramedics coming to the mansion and more alcohol-induced drama. Yeah, baby! Let me know what you look forward to in a pm here.