Yippee, now that PLo has narrowed his choice down to either Nondescript Blonde A or Nondescript Blonde B to be his one and only for
ever, a few months, three hours, ABC is airing one of my favorites -- the WTA. For all you Bachelor fanatics, of course you know that the WTA is simply an abbreviation for all the behind-the-scenes dishing, that I like to call Whores, Tramps and Alcoholics. So let’s get comfy, and prepare to hear the words awesome, journey, and connection ad nauseum.
And Who Are You Again?
As the show opens, the camera makes a brief pass over the audience, and not surprisingly it appears to comprise mostly of females in the twenty-something age range (and a few lonely males) who look like they’re either thrilled to be there, or are hoping for a free give-away. The stage is garish and leads me to believe Fleiss recently stopped off at a few garage sales in the Hollywood Hills, then spent a few hours spray painting candle holders and tacky chandeliers with gold paint. Either that, or he found someone who made a killing at a Liberace estate sale.
Good ol’ Chris Harrison comes out center stage and informs us that 10 of the lucky gals who were cut loose will be on the show, and that there are surprises in store. Ah, but I’ve grown wise to ABC’s definition of the word surprise, and I know to keep my expectations low. To me, a surprise would be a cameraman coming on stage, claiming he and PLo have been having a torrid affair for weeks now, and he’s not giving him up without a fight. Since this is a Fleiss production, I doubt that will happen. Sigh. While I’m complaining, damn ABC hasn’t posted pictures for this episode. *shakes fist*
The ladies are introduced as follows: Kim (the drunk), Sarah, Ellen (who?), Gina (the sourpuss), Jeannette, Tiara-Adorned Erica (no description necessary), Desiree (baby!), Jami, Agnese (Italian beauty), and Lisa (timeline girl).
Chris asks Jami what it was like that first night to be in an Italian castle meeting a prince. Can you guess her answer? If you said amazing or unbelievable, congratulations, take a drink. Desiree says she was shocked at the prospect of meeting royalty, and wasn’t sure what to do. Chris wants to know how the women felt about the two Italian women joining the show, and Erica says she was thrown by their arrogance, and that they walked in “slutty.” When the audience laughs, she’s quite pleased with herself, but the way I look at it, any woman who insists on wearing a tiara, has no room to talk about arrogance, and with the way she was throwing herself at PLo on the show, she has no room to accuse someone else of acting like a slut.
Lisa is the first to be brought up to Chris’s hot seat, and we’re reminded that PLo gave her the first rose and the expensive diamond earrings (probably on eBay right about now). What follows next is an edited snippet of each woman in Italy saying how much they distrust Lisa. We all knew her timeline was going to be prominently featured on tonight’s show, and now’s the time. As we see footage of Lisa wearing the bridal gown, PLo says her timeline freaked him out, but Lisa insists she had real feelings for him, and she doesn’t understand why a timeline is such a big deal. Sarah tries to explain to her that some guys might question her motives, then to drive the point home, she asks Lisa if she’s simply a “bachelor whore.” Yikes. Talk about your edgy journalists. Desiree has apparently changed her favorite term of endearment from baby to honey and Jami jumps on the Let’s Beat Up On Lisa bandwagon. All aboard!
Enough About PLo, Check Out The Handsome Vocalist
It’s Jami’s turn up to bat, and she no sooner sits down, than Chris, in talking about her opera date with PLo, describes them as having an amazing connection. Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s worth two drinks. I don’t know how to break it to Chris, but I suspect if they truly had an amazing connection, PLo wouldn’t have cut her loose at the end of the night. Clips are shown of her magical evening wearing the red gown, with the stunning diamond choker planted firmly around her neck, and oh yeah, PLo was there, too. However, more importantly, I found out who the opera singer was…Vittorio Grigolo. Not only is he gorgeous on the eyes, but the ears get a treat as well, and since PLo rudely insists on giving Jami the boot and ripping the necklace off her body, while Vittorio is crooning, I decided to share him with you all here. After listening to him, all I can say is…now that’s an amazing journey I’d like to take. Anyone care to join me?
But back to Jami, she chokes up reliving that night, and Desiree looks as if she’s about to cry, too. She says PLo ripped her heart out, and she was hoping she’d have the same happily ever after as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Erica wonders why Jami would want to compare herself to a prostitute (Julia Roberts’ character), and Jami calls Erica a bitch. Hee. Things deteriorate from there (we knew it was bound to happen), and Jami is furious that Erica never said bad things about her to her face. What is she talking about? No one talks badly directly to someone’s face…it’s not the Secret Girl Way -- it’s only effective if you talk about someone behind their back. Sweet, ditzy Desiree tries to get the attention back on Jami (and away from Erica), and says she was shocked when PLo sent Jami home. She wonders if PLo simply doesn’t like women with strong personalities, that perhaps Jami was too much woman for him. Considering the two nondescript women left vying for him, I’d say she’s on to something. Chris queries Kim (the drunk) about her reaction to Jami leaving the show, and she says she was shocked as well. I wonder if she even remembers being on the show since she was so liquored up at times.
“The Lod Deb Us” or “At least I Made History”
Lots of footage is shown of the ladies, drinking champagne directly out of the bottle, dancing provocatively, sucking alcohol from PLo’s navel, but I don’t see what all the hoopla is about…that’s just a normal Friday night around the Roses’ household. I’m disappointed not to see a stripper pole thrown into the mix, and think they could have at least made do with a patio cover post. I mean, the splinters can sometimes put a damper on the dancing but it can be done if you’re careful. Ahem, that’s what I’ve heard anyway (hopefully, Fleiss is taking notes for next time). Finally, we get around to Kim’s drunken escapade on the beach group date, which is one of the best clips, ever. Once again we watch as she mutters, stumbles, and stammers her way through the date, but she’s a good sport tonight, and jokes, “at least I made history, right?” Yeah, kind of like how the Titanic made history, sweetie, but I’m actually glad they don’t crucify her, as we’ve all heard stories that alcohol may be in abundance on this show, but food certainly isn’t.
Dreams Of Mine They Are Broken
It’s Agnese’s turn to join Chris onstage, and he thinks she also had an “amazing connection” with PLo. *rolls eyes* Erica says she likes to call her Skagnese, and thinks she resembles a prostitute (what’s with her fascination with prostitutes?). Agnese gets the last laugh, however, and cracks up watching Erica’s meltdown when PLo gives Agnese the rose, sending Erica home. Heheh. Agnese confirms women are similar no matter where they live when she says she didn’t expect to feel so strongly about PLo, and thinks he’s the man of her dreams. As we all know, the following week she was the one taking a ride in the Loser Limo. Footage is shown of PLo saying, “if it were another time, another place, and if I could speak Italian, I’d still have you here.” Someone needs to inform our Loveable Loon you can buy Italian for Dummies tapes that actually teach the language. I know…it’s quite a concept. Agnese admits it was difficult at times being in the house with the other ladies because of the language barrier, and she felt somewhat ostracized.
Ellen (who?) says Agnese was underestimated as a rival, because she didn’t realize how aggressive she’d be, and Erica is quick to agree. Desiree once again takes the high road (who’d have thought), and acknowledges that Agnese had feelings for him. In a lighter moment, Chris wonders if Agnese understands what the ladies are saying, and she laughingly admits she understands some of it, but not all. I hope she understands that some of these ladies are bitter skanks.
Beauty and the Beast
Erica joins Agnese onstage, and Chris wants to know if Erica picked on her because she was jealous. Agnese (and the rest of the world) know this to be true, but Erica says she didn’t trust her. In a classic moment of tonight’s show, Agnese said she never felt threatened by Erica because if PLo liked Erica, “please don’t like me…please.” Hee. Erica is convinced PLo kept Agnese (and sent her home) because PLo had already kissed Agnese, and wouldn’t want to come off looking like a sleaze. Yeah, that’s got to be the reason, Erica. Thankfully, Agnese is allowed to return to the gallery unscathed, but damn, Erica remains with Chris.
We’re shown the clips of when Disgruntled Erica hunted Chris down, and questioned him about the show not providing maids. During her limo ride to the castle, she’s explaining that she’s a perfect match for a prince because she has class and brains. I notice there are suitcases piled high behind her head, and oh, how I wish the driver could possibly find a reason to slam on the brakes -- not enough to break her neck you understand, but perhaps just enough to knock some sense into that skull of hers.
More Wisdom From Delusional Barbie
Erica shares her impressions of the ladies:
Jami - she could chug a beer, pound it on her head, then ride a bull.
Gina - she never talks and always does “this” (Erica makes the facial expression like she smelled something foul, and damn, she’s right about that one).
Desiree - sexual in a silly, annoying kind of way.
Agnese - looks more like a nanny or a maid than a princess.
In an odd moment, Erica, stating she deserves it, takes one of the roses sitting between Chris and her, obviously hoping for some kind of big reaction from the audience, but everyone laughs at Chris who feigns shock. However, since Erica’s an equal opportunity destroyer, she includes a critique of PLo, and says he has the Prince Charming Complex…meaning he wants to find a girl who comes from a “lesser” background -- a woman he can rescue and turn into a princess, rather than choosing an equal (like her). Another classic Erica moment comes when she compares her stay in the castle to being on Survivor. Honey, I hate to tell you this, but if The Bachelor was like Survivor, you would have been voted off the first night.
Desiree finds Erica hard to believe, but Erica assures her she has lots of friends who are obsessed with her. Um, okay. Desiree reminds her that she was quite often insecure on the show, and Erica says she still feels she was the best match for PLo, but that she was insecure when she thought he might not want a real princess. I question her use of the word, real, but whatever. Lisa stands up for Erica saying she feels Erica was one of the most honest women there. What? At this point, Jami and Erica get into a debate over who is more hypocritical, and who has the bigger heart, but I could care less about either of them.
Getting Ripped By The Ripa, Herself
Thankfully the show moves along, and what follows next are several clips of Kelly Ripa from Live with Regis and Kelly, imitating Erica. I’ve been fortunate to witness some of these reenactments, and she really does a great job posing as Erica, including the “disgusting little fairytale” statement. Although Kelly’s voice (as Erica) rises to a high-pitched squeal, I notice Regis has the good sense not to place his hand over her mouth to stifle her.
Oh Yeah, Him
PLo finally joins the cast, and he takes a bow before sitting down. Chris asks PLo if he’s glad he took the journey (drink!), and he says he is glad because he met some great people along the way. He says he’s a risk taker (doesn’t risk imply danger?), and he’s happy with the outcome. Continuing, he says falling in love is the best feeling in the world, and that when you’re in love, you can’t wait to get up in the morning. *yawn* It’s interesting to me, because he says it’s great waking up with the person he loves, which leads me to come to a few conclusions if I follow his logic: a) if he’s with Sadie, she’s no longer a virgin, or if she is, they’re just laying in bed together overnight, b) he’s chosen Jen, or c) he’s simply projecting about some fictitious love he hopes to find in the future. In other words, there’s absolutely nothing to conclude from his statement -- oh, and I’m so confused, my head hurts. Chris asks him if he was surprised to become emotionally invested with some of the girls, and PLo laughs saying he was surprised about how many of the girls he was invested in (several of them nod knowingly). I sit up when I hear him say it’s “weird kissing multiple girls, telling one girl you love them…” but he doesn’t finish the sentence by telling who he loves, rats.
This is Lisa’s chance to confront PLo, and she insists she doesn’t understand why her timeline is such a big deal, but he defends his adverse reaction to it. Agnese has a problem with him saying he didn’t keep her because he didn’t want to take her away from her family. She says that’s her decision, not his, but he insists that he could tell her family really loves being with her, and he just couldn’t take her away from them. Jami is still confused about how she never saw it coming, the night PLo ripped the necklace from her, and stuffed her in the Loser Limo. He defends himself by saying that all Jami talked about was the jewelry, the Maserati, and the opera. She even said she didn’t feel any chemistry toward him, so he didn’t see the need to string her along. Gee, what is she confused about…makes sense to me.
Erica tells PLo that even though he said she was judging everyone there, he was judging her, too. He says he thought she was a ton o’ fun, and that he’s been asked by strangers if he had to keep her on the show. He says he wanted to keep her around because she was a kick, but that when it comes down to it, their values are completely different and it would never work.
Insects, Cow Penises and Other Unseemly Outtakes
Oh, goody, it’s blooper time, and there’s a lot of tripping, slipping and bird poop. There’s even an outtake of Chris getting raucous by putting a broom between his legs saying he has a woody. Ba dum ching! PLo stumbles over the word, flabbergasted, and during a dinner date with Sadie, he suspects something on their plates is a cow’s penis. Yikes. The castle was apparently overrun with wasps, and eventually one even lands on PLo’s forehead during an interview, hee. At one point Fleiss must have been hoping to heat things up between Jen and PLo, because during one of their dates, the water in a hot tub was so hot, and they could hardly tolerate it.
PLo wraps things up by saying he hopes the ladies had as much fun as he did. Desiree, always the optimist, throws him a flirty wink as he says goodbye. Seven of the remaining ladies think PLo will pick Jen, and with that, sadly, the evening is over, and now all that’s left are the wilting rose petals, and the candle wax drippings on the floor. Next week our two ladies and their families join PLo and his family for some freaky dinner conversation, and PLo cries. Then one of our Darling Damsel’s dreams are answered when PLo chooses her to be his beloved for quite possibly a few hours. You can bet I’ll be watching, will you? Contact me at email@example.com.