Woo hoo, hometown dates finally happen tonight, and I can’t wait to meet the crazed parents, as they gaze into the eyes of the man their daughter just might potentially, hypothetically, perhaps, theoretically, someday marry in the far-off distant future…maybe. If any of you think this relationship has any chance of lasting longer than a breath mint, you’re as naïve as a child who leaves her Halloween candy out overnight thinking her parents will never sneak some (ahem, not that I’d know anything about that). Since this week is Halloween, I’ve got my fingers crossed that the ladies will be dressed in some wicked costumes for the Rose Ceremony tonight. And for an added 30 point bonus, it would be even more delightful if they were so well disguised, PLo would have trouble discerning who’s who (a girl can dream anyway). In the meantime, if you need a quick refresher about what drunken frivolity took place last week, take a peek at Yardgnome’s witty recap here.
(Un)Sexy, Cute Little Sadie
First hometown date tonight is in San Diego with our cute little pixie, Sadie. As PLo comes into view, she begins bouncing up and down on her tiptoes and runs to him. In PLo’s voice-over, he says she has a fun personality, and he likes her honesty. He wants her parents to know he really likes their daughter, and that he’s as genuine as she is. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating, this is a very simple-minded man with a limited vocabulary. She says her parents will fall in love with him, but she warns him not to say anything lame. From what I’ve seen, that’s going to be a tall order.
Sadie’s family definitely has the casual Southern California lifestyle going on, because all the women are dressed in summer clothing, including flip-flops on their feet. PLo is introduced to Sadie’s parents, Reed and Colleen, her little sister, Kelsey (who looks nothing like her), and her best friend, Alexis. Once again, Sadie is bouncing up and down like a child who needs to make a quick trip down the hall. Everyone settles into the living room, and Sadie and her mom squeal over how much they’ve missed each other. As Sadie describes the group dates in Italy, her father asks PLo if he normally dates 10 women at a time. PLo indicates he does, but normally the women don’t know about it, haha. What I notice, however, is that as PLo is talking, Sadie’s mom actually slides her skirt above her knee -- did anyone else catch that little flirty motion? It’s probably nothing -- perhaps having a camera crew in her house capturing her every move on film is making her nervous, but it did catch my eye so I thought I’d throw it out there (discuss amongst yourselves). He then jokes that one of his dates with Sadie was the best date he’d had that day (meaning there were many others) prompting Mom to laugh, and me to cringe. She tells us she thinks he’s down to earth.
Sadie says grace before everyone dives into dinner. While eating, PLo says he’s looking for honesty in a woman, and he wants his ideal woman to be his best friend. *yawn* As the women do their womanly duty of clearing the table, the manly men remain seated. PLo takes the opportunity to thank Reed for his hospitality, and he tells Reed that Sadie has “blown me away” (I can’t help but wonder if Dad is concerned by PLo’s use of the word ‘blown,' <------ cue Beavis and Butthead, heheh. Yes, sometimes my humor can be on the juvenile slant). Anyway, PLo assures Reed that he has the best of intentions, and Reed seems deeply touched.
Obviously Kelsey and Alexis have been corralled upstairs, because Colleen and Sadie are alone in the kitchen when Sadie tells her mother PLo reminds her of “Daddy.” Eww. She says he puts others before himself, and he opens every door for her. Gee, what more could a girl want, right?
The lovebirds bid everyone arrivederci, and complete the night alongside a fire pit on the beach. She tells PLo he should just pick her and beg off from going on the other hometown dates. She feels she’s opening up to him, and she’s frightened by the thought of losing him. They kiss and the camera light dims.
Insert Groom Here: _________
Next stop, Portland, Oregon, and our Hapless Hero is right on point for Lisa’s marriage timeline. You’re all familiar with the timeline by now: a) meet any man, b) rope and tie him, c) marry, have children and live happily ever after. While waiting for PLo in a park, she walks along a path with what I’m guessing is a dog she’s temporarily borrowed from Rent-A-Pooch. This chick has obviously done her homework on our Doggie Prince, and I hope we get to see bottles of his doggy shampoo neatly arranged around the bathtub (you know she’s thorough enough to have arranged for that). They kiss (PLo and Lisa, that is), and he hardly glances at the dog, not even bending down to pat him; he is an ugly dog, but I figured he’d at least give him a conciliatory pat. Suddenly they’re in her home, drinking wine (naturally), and the dog is sitting on the sidelines, panting.
Lisa says she has a surprise for him, and you can see the disappointment flash over PLo’s face, when he realizes the surprise is that they’re going to put an Italian fresco on a little patch of wall in her living room. I’m sure he was hoping the surprise would involve some other activity in another part of the house. They momentarily paint the wall, but end up playfully painting each other. Lisa’s “best friend in the whole wide world,” Ally, stops by with a surprise of her own -- a wedding dress. *gasp* Naturally, Lisa just HAD to put it on. Talk about your deer in a headlights, PLo looks stunned, and I hope a cameraman helps him pick his jaw back up from the floor. As Lisa is dressing, Ally clues our Prince in on the whole marriage/children plan of Lisa’s, and apparently this is the first he’s heard of it. He downs his wine, and Lisa comes out in the wedding dress, which surprisingly fits her like a glove (yeah, like that wasn’t planned), oh and she‘s also wearing one of Erica’s tiaras. PLo admits he’s a little freaked out by the dress, and takes a deep breath, then finally notices all the bridal magazines on the coffee table. I fear he’s a rather dim bulb, and figure they probably deserve each other.
They drop in on her family and PLo is introduced to her parents, Fred and Tina, and her little brother Alex. As they sit around the dining room table, Lisa informs her parents she was wearing a wedding gown earlier, and even her mother’s reaction is that it was a strange and scary thing to do. They all laugh at the bride magazines, and Dad proudly states that his daughter is indeed a planner.
Lisa and her dad go upstairs, and she says she knows they’re probably freaking out about this situation, but Dad says he’s okay with everything. I think Dad also has a timeline, and Number One on his list is to marry Lisa off ASAP, hee. The first thing she shows Dad are the $15,000 earrings PLo gave her the night they met, and Dad is duly impressed. He’s probably hoping even if PLo doesn’t pick her, he can at least pawn the earrings and put the money toward her future marriage…to whomever she ends up snagging.
Meanwhile Mom, a pilates instructor, runs PLo through several exercises on the floor, poking and prodding him to keep his abs taut, encouraging him to pump his arms just so. He looks like he feels silly and is in agony all at the same time. Dad and Lisa enter the room laughing, and I have to admit he’s a good sport. As he heads for the door, he looks at her mom, and tells her parents it’s easy to see where Lisa gets her charming qualities -- and I wonder if that’s a subtle hint for a private one-on-one ‘pilates’ lesson with Mom. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
PLo and Lisa go out on the front porch to say their goodbyes, and with the camera moving in for a close-up, they hug and kiss. In voice-over PLo says he has some concerns about her agenda. He hopes she’s here not because she wants to get married, but because of him. Good boy, PLo, now you’re catching on, because in case you hadn’t noticed, she‘s a nut.
Sea Sharks and Land Sharks
PLo arrives in Miami, and Jen is waiting for him with a camouflage cap on her head. Jen is quite the chatterbox, and rattles on to the camera about how she’s nervous for PLo to meet her parents, because “Dad is intense.” Eek. I notice Fleiss has arranged stormy skies for today’s dramatic meeting, but unfortunately PLo and Jen are also spending the day on a fishing boat, so it looks like no bikini shots for the audience. Sorry, men. Jen actually catches a fish, and as she reels it in, they discover it’s a small shark. Someone on the boat helps brings it on board with a net, they remove the hook and before releasing it, Jen gives it a quick kiss. Immediately after the shark is set free, PLo moves in for a kiss, himself and it sure looks to me like Jen is doing everything she can to avoid his lips. Eventually he snags her, though, and I’m not sure what to make of the dodging she was doing -- was the boat jostling her around, or was she actually trying to avoid him? He definitely is more affectionate with her than the others so far, and in a weird ESP moment he asks Jen if her dad owns guns. She says yes, and his response is to laugh and say, “damn it, I knew he’d own guns.”
They arrive at the house, and Jen and her mom, Cheryl, hug each other like they haven’t seen each other in years as Dad Dennis and PLo awkwardly stand around watching. They sit at a huge table considering there’s only the four of them (well five if you include Tiffany, the family dog). Dennis says it doesn’t matter that PLo is a prince, he still wants to know if PLo deserves his little girl. Dennis quizzes PLo about his lineage, then gets straight to the point and asks if PLo is at a point in his life where he’s looking to settle down. PLo says he’s not there to ask for their permission to marry Jen, but says he does want to find someone to settle down with. Dennis then turns on Jen saying this (the television show) was not how he expected her to find a husband. Obviously Dad doesn’t understand that no man has ever married one of these bachelorettes (not including Trista and Ryan, because she chose him), and he’s taking this much too seriously. He pulls PLo aside and asks how he feels about his daughter. PLo stumbles around and says he likes everything about her, and it's at this point that Dennis produces some kind of rifle/gun/killing weaponry thingy and cocks it. He tells PLo whoever mistreats his daughter, or even as much as puts their hands on her, will be facing *this*. Yikes. Run, PLo, run! Suddenly Jen’s shark looks much less menacing in light of the razor-sharp teeth glistening in Papa’s mouth.
Screw Talking, Let’s Dance!
PLo arrives in Venice, Italy to meet Agnese’s family, but before they do, he spends the day with her riding in a gondola, eating in a café and awkwardly trying to communicate. While sightseeing, she points out the hospital where she was born, and the church where she wants to be married. It’s during this visit he learns her mother, brother and sister don’t speak any English, but she says her father does understand a little.
They arrive at Agnese’s house and are greeted by mom Paola, father Roberto, and her brother and sister, Erico and Angela. Family kissing ensues, and lots of awkward, stilted attempts at conversation. Roberto questions PLo’s intentions, and PLo tries to assure him, but there’s a lot of quizzical nodding and hollow smiling, so I don‘t think he’s very successful. As is typical, PLo tries speaking slower and louder for better understanding, without much success.
The group manages to struggle through dinner, when suddenly Erico puts on a CD, and the entire family begins dancing around the room wearing masks and hats. You know PLo’s friends are going to be razzing him about this little piece of footage for a long time to come, and I was hoping ABC would have pictures of his lively quicksteps, but alas, no. All good fun must come to an end, though, and they kiss goodbye before he departs.
Eeny meeny miney mo, who will be his personal ho.
Buena Notte, Agnese
PLo begins by saying this is a difficult evening for him. He’s enjoyed getting to know the ladies, and loved meeting their families, but the reality is he must say goodbye to one of them. First rose goes to Sadie, followed by Jen, and our resident nut, Lisa. This leaves Agnese, and she looks so incredibly saddened and surprised by the news, I get a little tear in my eye.
"You all crazy America womens I hope will get pimples grande on faces."
She’s poised and gracious and puts all former American ‘losers’ to shame. They share an intimate, emotional goodbye as he tells her he’s not saying goodbye because of something he didn’t like about her, but rather because they have trouble communicating. He adds that it’s his fault, not hers. She agrees that the language barrier is indeed a problem (but I’m thinking with the lack of stimulating conversation we’ve seen thus far from him, they’d do just fine if he simply learned certain words like -- amazing, journey, love, hug, best friend -- it doesn’t seem that challenging to me). Eventually she softly cries, and he sheds a tear or two himself. This has to be one of the most tender, sweet goodbyes we’ve ever witnessed. *sniff*
Once PLo composes himself, he and the remaining three ladies all toast together, and you know what’s coming next week don’t you? Woo hoo, the overnight dates!
“Talk about déjà vu, I dreamed about this just last night -- well except in my dream we were naked, heheh.”
Next week’s show promises great dramatics, as Lisa discloses that three weeks before signing up for The Bachelor, she broke up with a boyfriend, and Sadie struggles with the temptation/repulsion of the overnight invitation.
One last thing: just before the show ends, we’re [sacrasm on] treated [sarcasm off] to more of Erica’s Shallow Reflections. She describes Jen and Sadie as vanilla milkshakes, and Lisa as a vanilla milkshake with a little cinnamon stick and some chocolate sprinkles. Whereas in contrast, she believes she’s a champagne flavored milkshake. Who talks like that? Off camera someone tells her she’s clever, and I suspect it’s Erica’s mom. Have you ever compared anyone to a milkshake before? If so tell me about at firstname.lastname@example.org.