I am forever (or until this season of The Bachelor ends, whichever comes first) indebted to ABC for changing my thoughts about Mondays. I’ve always hated Mondays, because Monday signifies weekend fun is over, and the work-week has begun. Well, now thanks to ABC, I look forward to Mondays because I know, come 9:00pm, I’m in for big entertainment. Now come closer, and I’ll pass along a little secret I’ve just recently discovered. Tuesday mornings, Kelly Ripa, from Regis and Kelly, reenacts various moments of the show highlighting the drunken, slurred, sobs of the
skankswomen. So, Tivo, video record, call in sick, do whatever you need in order to watch her Bachelor Playhouse Theater. It’s fleeting, but it’s pure tv gold. Another piece of gold can be found in Yardgnome’s recap from last week here.
SoftlyHarshly With Their Songs
The remaining nine women, with various degrees of plunging necklines, are all lined up on couches as Chris Harrison greets them. This week there will be three dates: one group date, a two-on-one date, and one individual date. To decide who gets the individual date, an Italian opera teacher will judge the women as they sing an aria, in Italian no less. Yeah, like that’s something PLo gives two hoots about. Don’t you know Andrea, the woman who sang to PLo from the balcony on the premiere night, is swearing up a storm, because she would have had this date nailed, and these girls are gawd-awful. I have a terrible singing voice, and even I sound better than them. But they seem to be having fun and Jami wins the date to the opera.
PLo arrives for their date and presents her with a $2 million, diamond-studded necklace that like any fairytale (or a gallon of milk, for that matter) has an expiration date. Come midnight, the sports car morphs back into a pumpkin, and the necklace must be returned to the store from whence it came. Erica firmly believes that Jami is not the right woman for PLo and points out that Jami was wearing long white gloves for the sole purpose of covering her tattoos. She predicts Jami will not be getting a rose tonight.
As our lovebirds sit alone in the opera house sipping champagne, PLo asks Jami to give him a sample of her winning aria. She climbs up on stage, and cranks out another off-key rendition. PLo gives her a standing ovation, and says it’s the best opera he’s ever heard, obviously recognizing that she’s a good sport. Either that or our boy needs to get his hearing checked.
PLo confides to Jami that his family is so important to him, he talks to them via phone daily. He asks Jami about her family, and she says when her parents were married, it wasn’t very pleasant, but now that they’re divorced, they all get together for holidays and are quite amicable. Just then, the curtains part, and an extraordinary tenor performs solely for them, but damn ABC for not telling us who he is. They share a romantic, yet awkward dance, and PLo confides to us that he’s not feeling a sexual attraction to Jami. He delicately tells her he can’t give her a rose, and naturally she’s devastated as she climbs into the limo to leave the show. She’s quite gracious considering some of the exits we’ve seen, and I hope she finds comfort in the knowledge this was not easy for PLo.
Jen: “This is so romantic.”
PLo: “How long do I have to wait before I can send her packing?”
I Heard It Through The Grape Vine
PLo arrives to take the girls on their date, and everyone climbs aboard the chartered bus. Once there, bottles are immediately uncorked, and wine tasting begins. Too bad Kim isn’t around, as the villa has many spots that look like they’d provide perfect spots for
If you look closely, you just might catch a glimpse of Kim
passed outnapping between the vines.
Desiree is so excited to be there, she’s having trouble catching her breath, and doesn’t even have the strength to utter ‘baby.’ Everyone is having a great time, so you just know drama must be just around the corner. Sure enough, Jeannette asks for some alone time with PLo, and they walk off to sample grapes right off the vine and talk. PLo tells her he’s having difficulty reading her, and she says she’s not about to throw herself at him. She came here with the hope that he would be someone unique, and she thinks he’s very special. He says everything she has said is perfect, and he enjoyed their conversation. I get the impression that PLo is a very simple-minded man who can‘t be bothered with deep intellect.
“Hey look, I think that's Kim in the bottom of the barrel.”
While the other girls are alone, Lisa says she doesn’t think this date is romantic, what with all the other girls hanging around and all, and she’s ‘surprised’ that their one-on-one date was more romantic than this. Imagine that.
Are We In Italy Or The Virgin Islands?
The Tuscan sun has set, and everyone gathers around the pool where a rose is prominently displayed. More champagne is opened, but instead of drinking out of delicate flutes, they’ve moved on to massive tumblers, so I’m hoping for some good action out of this.
Before things get out of hand, Sadie takes PLo aside and tells him she doesn’t want to shock him, but that she’s so serious about relationships and marriage, she’s saving herself for marriage. If he’s alarmed (or disappointed he won’t be getting any action from her), he doesn’t let on, and tells her he admires her values. He says they’ll take it slowly and see where it goes.
As they return to the others, PLo takes Lisa aside for her one-on-one time, and wastes no time in asking if he can kiss her. I don’t know about any of you, but I hate when guys ask if they can have a kiss. The way I look at it, if he can’t read me, that’s his problem. But Lisa agrees, they kiss, and afterward he rates the kiss as “very nice,” then sneaks a peek down the neckline of her blouse. Gah. Asking permission, then rating the kiss, and a not-so-subtle peek would have caused me to exit stage left, but she grins broadly at him, clearly under the influence of her timeline. She’s got to get a move on if she’s going to be married and have children by the time she’s 30, and clearly doesn’t have time for charm.
After the group tires of romping in the pool, they all end up on a huge bed playing truth or dare. Desiree is dared to put a grape in her mouth and feed it to PLo. Are you kidding me? This is probably a Tuesday night routine for Desiree, and she manages with no problem. Jen is dared to do a body shot off PLo’s navel, and she obliges. This is kid’s play, and hurray for Sadie for cutting to the quick. She dares PLo to tell who he has kissed in the house. He pauses for a long time then says he’s kissed every single woman there. Sadie calls him on it saying oh no he din’t, and he clarifies that he’s kissed all of them on the cheek. Sneaky bastard.
Here Comes The Sun
The following day, Jen and PLo walk hand and hand for some private time. He wants to know how she became a teacher, and she says she began as a substitute teacher. She adds that when the kids come to her at the end of the year, she feels very rewarded. She tears up as she talks about her love of the kids, and PLo thinks it’s very sweet.
Everyone reunites around the breakfast table with the rose as the centerpiece. PLo gives the customary speech about how he wishes he could give everyone a rose, blah, blah, blah, but Jeannette is the lucky girl to receive this rose. He says he’s giving it to her because of their wonderful talk in the vineyards the day before. Lisa is disappointed, because of course, she should be getting every and all roses, dammit. Sadie worries that perhaps she shouldn’t have been so forthright about her virginity.
Back at the Chateau de Hooches
Meanwhile, Erica and Agnese, or ‘Agnes’ as Erica insists on calling her, are alone in the house. Erica says she’s annoyed at the way Agnes hangs around her, but their date box arrives so she’s momentarily distracted. The invitation from PLo is to go out on the town, with the warning that one lady will get a rose, and the other will be sent home. Agnese describes Erica as “crazy bad, not very beautiful.” and I picture Erica having a fit when she hears this, throwing clothes around her room in a royal princess tantrum, which her maid will then have to put away.
Erica and Agnese are getting ready for bed, and Erica says they need to go to bed early for their beauty sleep. (Sleep long and hard, Erica, trust me, you need it). Erica attributes her knack of being able to converse with Agnese to the fact that she (Erica) speaks English very s-l-o-w-l-y, and with an Italian accent such as, “me tired, I go to sleep now.” *snort* Basically she uses the me-Jane-you-Tarzan technique. I check to see if she has opposable thumbs (she does).
Laverne and Shirley, They’re Not
The time has come for Erica and Agnese to go on their date with PLo, and I sit up in anticipation of great dramatics to come because one of them is going home. Erica is sure Agnese is not princess material, and I’m guessing she knows this because she’s probably got Ariel videos on an eternal loop in her bedroom at home. The women arrive at PLo’s villa, and he says there’s been a change of plans. I enjoy watching Erica’s face, as he informs them they will be staying home eating pizza and beer instead of going out on the town. Although she tries desperately to hide her disappointment, she’s not a very good actress. They change from their dresses to more casual clothes and proceed to eat pizza on his bed. Has anyone else noticed this guy entertains a lot on bedroom furniture?
PLo takes Erica outside and while she continuously plays with her extensions (come on, that dried-up straw can’t be her real hair, can it?), she tells him she’s been to Italy before. She’s been in a helicopter before. While the other girls may be excited by all of these other elements, pshaw, she’s been there, done that. She’s here for him. I’m hysterically laughing watching the look of disgust on his face, as she asks if there’s anything else he’d like to know about her. He says no thanks, he thinks he knows her well enough. Heheh. Erica tells us that since PLo is royalty, and therefore not a ‘commoner,’ he needs her. Delusion, party of one? Your table is ready. She continues that there’s nothing unique about any of the remaining girls, with the exception of Sadie. Being a virgin, in Erica’s eyes, is a little ‘weird,’ and she’s ready for PLo to stop being such a ‘dumbass.’
It’s Agnese’s turn to have some time with PLo, and since he’s noticed her English has improved, he asks if the other girls have been helping her. She says some of the girls have, and as they talk, Princess Erica is crawling on hands and knees on the balcony to spy on them. When Erica can’t stand it any longer, she makes her presence known by shouting hello to them. Agnese answers by laughingly saying, “see you later, bye.”
Eventually the time has come for PLo to say goodbye to one of the girls, and he comes to Agnese and Erica with rose in hand, telling Erica she’s a beautiful girl, and she’s extremely bright. You can smell the big but(t) coming from a mile away, and her posture changes as she prepares herself for what’s to follow. He says he’s worried she would change to be whatever he wanted her to be, but she argues that that’s not true. He then presents the rose to Agnese…in front of Erica. I hope the cameramen have taken a few steps backward, or at least are wearing athletic cups. He apologizes and walks her out to the limo. The entire time, she’s ranting about how people always judge her incorrectly, and how life just isn’t fair. Even as he puts her in the car, shuts the door, and the engine is revving, she’s still crying and arguing that he’s making a mistake. Once alone in the limo, she says all her life men have judged her for being too pretty, and for coming from a privileged background…wah, wah, wah, ad nauseum. She’s a royal wreck.
Back at the house, the girls are not surprised to see the luggage man take away Erica’s baggage -- and her suitcases.
As PLo and Agnese look out at the night sky, fireworks go off, and we learn an important lesson in Italian culture; Italian women French kiss, too. As they passionately kiss, Erica leaves us with this little nugget: “it’s a disgusting little gross fairytale…the poor girl meets the rich guy, and they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so bored of that story.” Damn, I’m going to miss her, and I’m surprised Fleiss would let this goldmine get away so easily. Apparently PLo has a mind of his own -- a simple mind, but a mind of his own, nonetheless.
We know it’s rose ceremony time, because Chris Harrison shows up in a suit to greet the ladies. He reminds us all that Jeannette and Agnese already have roses, which leaves one lady to go home tonight. PLo faces the women and gives the requisite I-like-you-all speech. He says this is hard on him, and I’m grateful the camera remains on his head (the one above the shoulders), so we don’t have to see just how hard it is. First rose goes to Sadie, as he calls her “cute little Sadie.” The others in order are, Lisa, Jen and Desiree, leaving Glowering Gina as the one getting the heave-ho. She confides in us that she’s devastated and would have given him her life, her children, her everything. Good grief, ABC sure has an effective method of brainwashing these women.
What’s Up, Bitches!
Next week we can look forward to chariot racing, skinny dipping and Erica’s return as she gets the women to turn on each other. Yeehaw! You can bet I’ll be watching, will you? Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.