Hi kids! I’m ba-ack, fresh off of jury duty. If you get the
summonsopportunity to serve, I highly recommend going for it, and hey, I got paid $15/day! Woot! It was wonderful watching our judicial system in action, and it was quite educational, too. For instance, I learned that a cigar stuffed with pot and crack is called a “cocoa puff,” and that like most crack dealers, our defendant stored his wares up his ass…yes, you read that right. This last fact ought to be part of our anti-drug education programs, as I believe it would be a much greater deterrent than 1,000 “just say no’s.” Apparently if you tell a crack dealer to “stuff it where the sun don’t shine,” he does. Anyway, I missed you all, but want to give a shout out of “THANKS” to the wonderful and snazzy Madames Yardgnome and Lucy for doing a superb job of keeping all of us entertained. Kudos, friends.
The show opens with a retrospective montage of both the final ladies, beginning with Melancholy Moana. We learn that her parents divorced when she was a baby, and her father remarried when she was three. Because of this, she’s had a difficult life, and she’s been “badly injured.” This woman has more angst than 10 teenage girls combined, and she makes me terribly anxious. I certainly hope Fleiss has a psychotherapist on tap if it turns out she’s the one taking the solo limo drive at the end of the night.
In contrast we move on to Sunny Sarah who Chris describes as “the perfect all-American girl-next-door.” When she was younger, she was a cheerleader (anyone surprised?), ran track, sang and participated in theater. Even my dog, Howard, just let out a contented sigh hearing about her.
Enough of the flashbacks, though, let’s get on with the show as the ladies meet Dash’s family. For some reason, I don’t care who wins (I’ll leave it up to you as to whether the winner gets to go home, or whether the winner gets Dash), and it’s a good spot to be in. Laisser le bon rouleau de temps (let the good times roll)…
This Is 2006, Right?
As Dash’s family gets out of the limo, he greets them at the door and gushes over his two nieces first. Who can blame him? They’re adorable….squishy adorable. His family consists of his father, Roger, mother, Donna, sister, Andrea, and her husband, Mike. Also along for the fun are Dash’s young nieces, Whitney and Delaney. His family looks quite normal, but I’m surprised to see that Donna is still wearing the same hairstyle she probably had in 1962. I wonder if TPTB tried to give her a makeover, and she flatly refused.
Dash, the kids, Andrea and Mike go to an indoor park where Sarah is waiting for them, sitting at the kiddie table drawing on a piece of paper. We see she’s written the word Paris, and decorated it with little flowers. As she colors, I’m not surprised to note she’s precise about staying between the lines. Introductions are made, then we watch the kids using the slides and running around on the play equipment with Delaney and Whitney, heh. Andrea takes Sarah aside for some girl talk and they seem to get along quite well. Sarah confides in Andrea that she thinks Dash is “hot,” followed by a lot of giggling. Then Lord help us, Sarah does the nauseating Tootie-ta, tootie-ta dance she did in the park with her students on the hometown date. Gah, she desperately needs to delete that from her repertoire. Whitney, in a private confessional, tells us she thinks Sarah is pretty, nice, cool and playful. With a broad smile that shows her two front teeth missing, she adds that in order to keep things fair, Uncle Dash should make his choice by saying eenie meenie miny mo. I think this kid’s got a great idea, because with the track record of this show, her system might have a better outcome. Dash and Andrea have some private time together, and they both agree Sarah’s a good choice for being one of the last two. Before everyone says goodbye, Dash reassures Sarah that Andrea and Mike loved her, not liked, loved. She says she’s excited to meet his parents tonight.
Is There A Fireman In The Wings?
The family is assembled for the Big Meeting as Sarah arrives. Introductions are made and everyone hugs each other. Donna tells us meeting Sarah is “fairly important,” and Roger wants to know if the woman Dash chooses gets $1 million. Hah! They wish! Donna and Roger take Sarah into another room so they can grill her out of Dash’s watchful eyes. Not surprisingly, it’s a little awkward, but there does seem to be some fondness between them. But Dash’s mom seems a little uptight to me…let’s hope it’s the cameras and such, and not a reflection of a domineering mother-in-law posture. During dinner, Mike asks Sarah how she’s handling knowing Dash will be having dinner with Moana and them the very next night. She says it’s very hard. She wants Dash, but reality is, there is another girl involved, and now that she’s met them, it’s even harder. Donna asks, “how are your emotions, Trav?” (I’m wondering who the hell is Trav? Oh, she’s talking to Dash…I wonder why she calls him Trav?) He says he struggles with the fact that with each woman he sends home, he realizes he’s pulling the rug out from underneath them. Donna and Andrea begin crying, and I’m thinking this family sure puts a lot of stock in ol’ Dash’s manly charms. I wonder how many women truly felt crushed when they were sent home. I’m sure they all were sad to be saying goodbye to Paris, free booze, free food, yachts, limos, television exposure…but leaving him? Meh. There are scads of candles around the dinner table, and since Donna’s hair does not move, I can only assume she’s got gallons of hairspray on it….is it safe for her to be that close to the open flames?
The Family bids Sarah goodnight, and they seem to have made a fine connection. While Dash sees Sarah out the door, they dish about her behind her back. Roger thinks she’s pure and true, and with visions of Snow White floating around in my head, Dash warns them to be open minded to Moana coming tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t come bearing a fruit basket of apples, or they may have a Wicked Witch transference. In a weird phrase that hangs loosely in the air, Roger says, “we may never see Sarah again. Ever.” Apparently he’s seen the show before, because even if Dash chooses her, she may not be in their lives for more than a few hours.
Something Tells Me It’s All Happening At The Zoo
Moana is already at the zoo waiting for Andrea, Mike, Dash and the kids to join her. While waiting, she watches a bear, and having recently seen Grizzly Man , I hope she’s not as close as she appears. As soon as introductions are made, I see Mother Nature is trying to make Teary-Eyed Moana feel comfortable, by having the skies begin raining down hard. Dash’s nieces are truly adorable, and as Dash plays with them, Andrea steals Moana away, and asks what she likes about him. Moana seems uncomfortable, clears her throat, then says Dash seems to draw a level of comfort from her, and that she’s never felt these things before. When Andrea asks how Moana’s family visit with Dash was, Moana pauses for a long stretch, then lies through her teeth and says it was “really cool.” Somehow I doubt if Dash would have described it as such. Moana goes on to say taking him home was a big turning point for her, and she felt a connection with him she has never experienced before. At this point she begins tearing up again, and Andrea’s soft heart gets the best of her, and she begins crying, too. Can this show be any sappier? Throw in a hurt puppy, and I’ll bet even the crew will be sobbing.
At this point Mike takes Moana aside, and I’m trying to figure out what she’s going to cry about next. Moana tells him she was reluctant to open up to Dash in the beginning, and that they share a level of understanding and clarity. Mike says Dash could be moving anywhere in the U.S., and wants to know if she’s tied to the West Coast. She tells him she’s very adventurous, and she loves to travel. Later, Moana tells us the conversation with him was easy, and she could definitely see herself having some long conversations with him in the future. I’ll bet Andrea will be thrilled when she hears this.
And You Thought Meeting Your Boyfriend’s Parents Was Tough
It’s Moana’s turn to be grilled, and as Moana enters the room, everyone stands for the obligatory hugs and introductions. Donna asks Moana if the experience has been as she expected. Moana says, no that she was expecting a fun trip to Paris, and living conditions like a sorority, but that it turned into something more. Roger is also interested to know how her hometown visit with Dash went, and she says she seldom takes people home to meet her parents because home is sacred to her. Uh, okay. Moana seems terribly uncomfortable, but at least she doesn’t cry. In another awkward moment, Moana says she wasn’t feeling anything for Dash during their group dates, but when Roger questions her about it, she gets defensive leaving everyone to uncomfortably titter. This is simply painful to watch, and as Andrea asks why they would make a good couple, Moana says it’s not in her character to answer that. Roger looks completely baffled, and eventually Moana is struck silent for a looonnng time. Finally she slowly says, “I think that I’ve never encountered another person in my life that’s looked at me, knowing nothing about me, and recognizing everything, and accepting it. It’s good being in a place where you feel like you belong.” Dash looks like he’s having bamboo shoots stuck under his nailbeds. If this is how she acts when she’s feeling good about belonging, gah, I’d hate to see how she reacts when she’s not feeling good about it. I’ve had enough, and I’m not buying it. Talk about killing the party mood. Ack.
Apparently the parents haven’t had enough though, because they take Moana off by themselves and try to learn more about her relationship with their son. Evasively, Moana says she doesn’t care about his profession, but she’s having a tough time looking at them, and once again she’s on the verge of tears. Roger presses the issue of trying to find out what she finds attractive about Dash, and she finally stammers crying, “at no other point in my life have I ever looked at another human being where I saw my soul shining back to me, and it was a point of recognition that I don’t know how to explain to you, because it rocked me to the core, and I’m a pretty solid person.” A pretty solid person? She seems fragile to me. I know a lot of you are probably very taken by her words, and frankly, I don’t care who “wins” Dash’s affections, but I’m calling bullsh*t on this crap. Harruummmppphhh. I suspect Susan was giving acting lessons during their ‘down’ times at the house. As Moana and Donna hug, Moana tries to dodge the crispy Donna hairdo, and it’s a good thing, because it could have quite possibly sliced her face to ribbons.
As Moana is telling Dash that she got along great with his parents during their private talk, the family is declaring they like Sarah so much more than Moana. Andrea really likes Moana, but feels they didn’t connect. Man, this girl’s going to need counseling when this is over…a lot of counseling. I hope Fleiss will be picking up the tab for her, because it’s going to be expensive.
Moana is pensively napping on her bed when suddenly there’s a forceful knock on the door. Who could it be? Dash, hoping for some afternoon delight? Sarah, hoping to sneak some Exlax® into Moana’s crepes? Perhaps it’s Dick Cheney looking for a place to hide out while Harry Whittington heals? Oh, sigh, it’s just her Mom, or technically, her step mom, and they hug, squeal and what else? Go shopping! In the limo, Mom tells Moana they’re shopping for her potential wedding ring, and Moana says she’s frightened. There are five rings to choose between, and she eventually settles on an “eternally flawless, perfect” diamond ring.
From there she tries on several expensive-looking evening gowns for the FRC, which all look extraordinary on her. She chooses a black strapless full-length gown that shows off her fit body beautifully.
Prelude To A Kiss
Sarah is writing in her journal, Sarah and Dr. Dash 4-Ever, when she, too, gets a knock at the door. It’s her mommy, and Sarah says it took a minute for her to figure out who she was. Just how long has she been in Paris? Maybe she finally realized her mother bears (bares?) a striking resemblance to Kathy Bates, too. They catch up on Sarah’s love life, and Momma Kathy Bates creepily asks if Dash is a good kisser. Ack. Thankfully they suddenly decide to go shopping, and we’re spared anymore TMI between mother and daughter.
Sarah is excited to look at engagement rings, and has the same five rings from which to choose. Her hands are shaking as she tries on the various rings, but we’re not shown her choice. After a tiring day of trying on several diamond rings, Sarah works up the energy to continue her shopping jag by slipping on a few evening gowns. Her taste in dresses is completely different than Moana’s…think more pageant-y. When she comes out of the dressing room in a dark green bejeweled dress, Momma Kathy Bates says, “it’s not too sparkly.” I laugh at how differently we view the same dress, but maybe my judgment is impaired by the glaring camera lights bouncing off all the sequins and blinding me. Personally I don’t think the dress looks all that great on her…maybe she needs a Miracle Bra or something. Meh.
For their last date before the big evening, Dash and Sarah have decided to play tennis. Sarah is wearing a typical little red tennis skirt, and I’m surprised to see she’s got some thick thighs on her that she’s been hiding all this time. She’s a pretty lousy tennis player, and after about five seconds, they’ve had enough. They end up at a cottage, eating take-out and kissing and smooching. Sarah is apprehensive about how he feels about her, and much like an annoying mosquito, she keeps
pesteringtelling him he’s perfect for her, and that she wants him. Eventually Dash shushes her. Thanks, Dash.
The Way To A Man’s Heart
Moana tells us she’s passionate about cooking, that it’s a quiet, intimate, personal thing for her, and she looks forward to sharing it with Dash. He’s thrilled to find out she’s cooking for him, and he hangs out in the kitchen while she’s busily stirring, slicing, etc. (is it wise having Moana near so many knives?). When he discovers she made fabulous dinners for the girls every night, he can’t understand why they wouldn’t be forever grateful. She just shrugs and says it’s up to them. But he’s not ready to let it go, and keeps prodding to find out what in the hell happened between Moana and everyone else. Basically she says they didn’t know what to make of her complete change from not caring about The Bachelor, to falling for Dash. With that, she takes a long drink of wine and winks at him, signaling discussion is over.
While eating, she informs Dash that he’s deeply affected her, and she is forever changed for having met him. Haltingly, she tells him, “I wa-a-nt you.” She really scares me, and once again, I hope Fleiss has a psychiatrist in the next room.
Dash is talking about how beautiful Moana is, as we watch her awaken looking anything but. We see a montage of their relationship, and how it’s grown in intensity over the past few weeks they’ve known each other. Just typing that makes me crack up, hee.
Next, we see Sarah get out of bed, and naturally, the sun is streaming in her window. Then there’s the obligatory Sarah montage, and Dash tells us there are no games between them. He also informs us he has made up his mind who he’s going to choose at the FRC…just in the nick of time. How about that? Ooooh. Aaaah. <----- feigned thrill of anticipation.
Just prior to the rose ceremony, Dash stops by the jeweler where he learns both ladies chose the same ring…a 2.2 karat diamond that he describes as “simple.”
We see footage of both ladies preparing for the big evening with a plethora of
micefolks, fussing over their makeup and hair. Prince CharmingDash arrives at the castle first, and then we see Moana and Sarah climbing into their carriageslimos. Moana’s not alone in her tears on the way to the crystal ballRose Ceremony, as Sarah is also sobbing in anticipation. Kleenex® is missing out as a sponsor for this show with the amount of crying we’ve seen tonight. We could get long shots of a single box of Kleenex sitting next to the final rose, then they could zoom in for extra oomph. I’m telling you, it could be worth millions of tissues. Call me.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
The music is building to a crescendo as Dash stands in the Trumped-out, overly gold-glitzed room, waiting for the first limo to pull up. And who steps out first? Moana’s pixilated boobs. Apparently that beautiful dress of hers doesn’t like staying up, because there’s a slight wardrobe malfunction. More importantly, I suppose, is Fleiss following his usual rule of having Loser come first, or is he trying to keep us guessing? Chris gets one of his final moments on camera for this season, and he walks Moana into the room. (Actually I think I caught him trying to peek down Moana’s dress, but I won’t mention that).
She claims she’s head-over-heels in love with Dash, and that she feels safe and secure. They finally see each other, and both break out into smiles. He greets her with, “hey beautiful,” and they hug and kiss. He yammers about being intrigued by her immediately upon meeting her, and says she’s more than beautiful. As he continues complimenting her, I begin getting a little uncomfortable, because I do believe I smell a big BUT coming up. Sure enough, as Moana’s grinning from ear-to-ear with a look of “I’ve bagged him,” she suddenly grasps a change in his mood, and her expression instantly changes as her brain is screaming, “CAUTION, DANGER!” It’s then that he tells her if he listens to his heart, he can’t choose her. It truly breaks my heart to watch the reaction on her face. Suddenly this show seems utterly cruel to me. He hugs her, and she keeps her arms to her sides. She tells him she’s shocked, and her exit probably can’t come quick enough for her or me. She tells him he’ll always have a piece of her she can never get back, and with that, he walks her out. At the limo he tells her he’ll miss her, and she says she can only hope. Man, that was tough.
Breakdown Of The Worst Kind
Once in the limo, she says she’s emotionally devastated. She thought he was joking at first, and she breaks down sobbing, almost hyperventilating. Most sadly, she says that the good girl always wins, and that guys like that, don’t marry girls like her. Seriously, I hope Fleiss has a therapist on standby for her. *sigh*
This Better Be Good
After that train wreck, I hope Dash doesn’t disappoint me. Sarah’s limo pulls up and once again Chris walks her indoors. Her not-sparkly dress sparkles as she steps inside. Dash and Sarah are both excited to see each other, and as she walks up to him, he greets her with, “hey beautiful.” Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me, he couldn’t come up with two different greetings for these women? Sheesh, that’s pretty lame. Guess I’d better lower my expectations for the ending of the show.
He tells her she’s beautiful, smart and honest and that when he’s with her, he’s happy. However, I think in a way he’s trying to be funny, because he’s again setting up for a big BUT, and as he dramatically pauses, her expression changes like she’s trying to brace herself for bad news. Then he (ha, ha) tells her he chooses her, and they kiss. I would have slapped him. She affirms he’s perfect for her, because…well…we haven’t heard that in at least 30 minutes. You’ve heard of soap-on-a-rope? Well, he presents Sarah with The Dash Gift Of A Lifetime…The Ring-On-A-Chain! Honestly. He gives it to her as a symbol of their connection. He can’t wait to go back to Nashville and see where their relationship goes from here. She’s ecstatic as he places it around her neck, and he tells her it looks beautiful on her.
And with that, kids, we’ve wrapped up another amazing, journey-filled connection-riddled Fleiss production. Now excuse me while I finally check out those rumors that Dash and Sarah have already split up. Do I sound surprised? Not in the slightest, after all, I’m no Fleiss virgin. Are you a Fleiss virgin? Contact me at email@example.com.