Well, it’s that time again – the “Women Tell All” episode, in which typically only a few women tell anything, and which I believe is created solely so Chris Harrison has something to do other than say, “Ladies, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes.” But I have to admit, I haven’t watched this season religiously, so this episode was a chance for me to catch the infamous Ali G crash-and-burn, and quite honestly that alone was worth an hour of my time.
I assume most of you have been keeping up with this season’s saga, and know all about the cat-fights and the Parisian setting and the amusingly-named Dr. Travis Stork and the identities of the final two, Sarah and Moana. Once again, by the way, we have the classic division between the person who’s good for the Bachelor/ette, and the person who’s exciting.
When Will People Learn, “Reality Show Contestant” Never Translates to “Acting Career”?
Anyway. Last week Susan was sent home sobbing into her French manicure, which she probably didn’t get anywhere near France. Travis felt bad, saying that hurting someone is “not something I want to do,” and I for one am glad he clarified that.
Chris gives us a whirlwind recap of the season, noting that Paris was “an incredible backdrop” for the
forced, painful flirtationromance that IS “The Bachelor”. He then introduces the laydeez, with each waving and smiling like she’s Miss Iowa or something.
Chris asks for some first impressions of Travis. Jennifer says he was an Adonis, just gorgeous. Tara said she thought he was Prince Charming, what with the castle and all. And … either that’s it, or I stopped taking notes.
We move quickly on to tearful departures for $1,000, Alex. That puts Susan in the hot seat. Chris notes that people questioned her sincerity, and shows us clips of her saying she wanted to further her acting career. Gee golly whiz, someone went on a reality show to try to further their acting career??! Well, color me not at all surprised. Travis, however, at least pretended to be more naïve than myself. He doubted Susan’s reasons for being there, and apparently her mother did not help matters by revealing – to the camera, and presumably to Travis – that she wondered at her daughter’s motivations too.
Susan says she was not, in fact, acting on The Bachelor. “That was me,” she claims. Ok, not that I saw a lot of this season, but she doesn’t seem awfully popular, and if I were her I might try to say some of her actions were just pretend. Anyway, Susan goes on to say she was being real and open to the idea of love. In fact, she was falling in love with Travis, and her feelings were scary and she hasn’t fully gotten over them yet. She is, in point of fact, insulted that the other girls thought she was fake. She says it’s more insulting than if they’d said she was a dumb or a lush. Um, did those two options just randomly come to mind? Or is it possible they could have truthfully said she was a fake stupid lush?
Chris doesn’t help matters. “Your own family pretty much threw you under the bus,” he notes. Susan says her mother was quite upset at how she totally and callously screwed her daughter. Ok, she didn’t quite say that. But her mom is upset and feels she lost it for Susan. It looks to me like Susan kinda feels that way too.
Hey, There’s Nothing Wrong With Having a Plan B. Unless You Announce It On Camera.
But there were other issues with Susan. Apparently she came into the season still pining for an ex-fiance. She had a picture of him with her – did she think that wouldn’t come out? – and admitted at some point that she might consider getting back with him. Yet she tells us she doesn’t know why he was such an issue. She says when she brought the picture and said she might get back with him, that was then. That was an earlier time. That was days, perhaps even weeks, before she was falling in love with Travis, which apparently made everything different.
The girls start digging in, prodding Susan about what she wanted out of coming on the Bachelor. She says something about a “vehicle” that “brings me to professional happiness.” Which would seem to me to prove the earlier point that she was just here for her resume. Someone asks what profession it is she wants, and Susan says she doesn’t know, she’s 25, she acted for three months, she doesn’t know what she wants to do, and layoffheralreadywillya? At least, that was her tone. She says she broke up with her fiancé not because he didn’t want her acting, as the other girls claim, but because he didn’t want her to have a career at all.
At this point, some chick named Ali D jumps in to say that everyone is ganging up on poor Susan, and even though she didn’t know Susan that well – because she, Ali D, got cut early …. And we don’t hear the rest of her point, because Jenny (who’s been doing a lot of the critiquing of Susan) fires back that because Ali D didn’t know Susan well, that’s why she should really shut up now.
April counters with a zing at, I think, Jenny, telling her to show some respect – to who, I’m not sure. At this point my notes simply say, “Jenny bitches.” I think that probably pretty much covers both this incident and the entire show.
Chris finally tells them all to just stop it, stop it already! Susan, by this point, is crying. Honey, if you can’t develop a thicker skin than that, you didn’t need to be on national TV in the first place. Well, I mean, for your own sake. For our sakes, we’re fine with your emotional fragility being put on display for our entertainment.
“I can’t win this battle,” Susan moans. She says she can’t change anyone’s opinion of her. She also says it’s hard for her to watch the show and not still be wrapped up in the feelings.
Nothing Says “I Love You” Like Too Many Wine Coolers
At this point Chris announces that Travis is in da’ house. He sends Susan out of the hot seat, thanking her for being “strong” – what? When?
Which means it’s someone else’s turn. Yay. Chris says getting the first rose is a blessing and a curse, because it turns the recipient into a target. Sarah B. got that first rose, and spent the rest of her time on the show becoming progressively less popular.
The other women think she was too young and too immature. They rant about her baby voice and someone says watching Sarah B. was like watching a seventh-grade crush. The girl managed to get so drunk at one point that she forgot all about some one-on-one time she had with Travis. She also did some weird thing where she pushed up her boobs in front of him, and generally just acted like a 17-year-old girl.
We see Travis himself saying that he and Sarah “disconnected” at some point, right around the time she drunkenly forgot she’d hung out with him, and he told her the timing wasn’t right. Sarah’s put in the hot seat, and she wants to know why people thought she was immature. By the way, she’s 23. Jenny, who’s 25 – so much older, of course – complains that Sarah played with marshmallows during a camping trip. “Kids play with their food,” Jenny says. Sarah doesn’t think it’s that big a deal.
She also doesn’t think it’s that big a deal that she still lives at home with her parents. Marshmallows I could take, but you can’t tell me any 23-year-old woman doesn’t know it’s weird to still live with mama. It would skeeve me out from a man I was attempting to date, and apparently it shocked Travis, since Sarah didn’t warn him beforehand.
Jenny, it appears, is Sarah’s biggest detractor. She says she just cannot understand what the chemistry between Travis and Sarah was. She doesn’t get it. Jenny, by the way, spent an entire overnight camping trip screaming about any bug that got anywhere near her. Sarah calmly played with her food. So it shouldn’t really surprise Jenny that during that trip, she got sent home.
Asked what messed up that chemistry between them, Sarah says she could never get it out of her head that Travis was seeing the other women as well. She was also aware that he was several years older than her.
Now, If She’d Used a LIME Peel, That Might Have Been Hot
And, we’re moving on again. Chris says this season gave us some of the worst crash-and-burns of any Bachelor. And poor Kristen was one of the worst. She had one of the best personalities, Chris says, “but maybe sometimes less is more.”
We see confessionals in which several girls say they cannot see Travis and Kristen together. We then see an example of why – Kristen, on a date with Travis, putting an orange peel that’s cut up to look like bad teeth in her mouth and grinning at the man. “Did I just manage to ruin the moment?” she asks seconds later, as his stunned expression finally tells her that this is not the sexpot look she thought it was. Travis cut her that night, I think.
Chris asks her now if she really thought Travis would like that. And, bless her heart, she admits that she really did. Really. She thought he’d get a kick out of it. She figured out otherwise fast, she says. But, Kristen adds, she’d rather be known as the cheesy girl than the one who hurt people’s feelings. Everyone applauds. Evidently she’s universally adored, even if no one finds her sexy.
The Ali G Horror Pictureshow
And now, it’s time for … drumroll …. The Ali G Meltdown. The meltdown of all meltdowns, the mother of all crash-and-burns. I’m so excited! I finally get to see this freak inform Travis that she’s in her “reproductive phase” and expects him to be as well. I know you’ve all seen this, but dayum – that girl ain’t right, as my grandmother would say. At the least, if you’re after babies, say you want kids. Don’t make it sound like you want to squash the man down into a test tube.
Here’s the disappointing part, though – bitch refused to come back! Damn, that sucks. I was so looking forward to her getting grilled. But, hey, let’s talk about her anyway! Serves her right.
Yvonne says she was just flat-out shocked by Ali G. Sarah says during that first rose ceremony, she complained that her feet hurt, and Ali G turned and snapped “Shut the @##% up!” as if Sarah’s feet had no right to hurt because she already had a rose. Some sap pipes up to say that maybe Ali’s reactions surprised her as well, but I say who cares? I love trainwreck TV.
I Hate It When They’re Nice
Finally, it’s time to trot out Travis. He wants first off to defend Susan. She asks if he really doubted her motivations, and while of course he did, he tries to be diplomatic. He says the things he heard in her hometown gave him pause, but that the whole experience is this weird, intense thing and that it’s not black and white and that she’s exceptional.
Sarah B wants to know why the chemistry between them failed. Travis reminds her of her drunken memory loss, and says at that point he felt like the connection was somewhat lost and that in that environment, there’s just no time for it to grow back.
Kristen asks, “was it the teeth?” Travis says she has great heart, and that no one can say anything bad about her, and that actually, he has a friend who just loves her. Well, Travis, hook a girlfriend up!
Chris asks Travis how stunned he was by Ali G. Damn him, he just wants to let her move on, he says, and refuses to go there. Well, humph.
We get a little blooper reel, involving Sarah B doing a pit check, various people (or maybe it’s just Sarah B again) belching, people falling off water skis, and a bee wandering into confessional shots.
What’s Not to Love About Emotional Instability?
And that’s it for Dr. Stork. Now we’re barreling right on into the rejected women’s take on the two remaining ladies. And, apparently, no one liked Moana. Yvonne said Moana and Sarah are opposites, and she never thought either of them would be the final two. Jehan doesn’t see it with Moana at all, but Chris says the viewers like Moana better. Do we? Anyway, supposedly we do, but she was the focus of most of the turmoil in the house, Chris says.
Apparently the other women thought Moana acted like she didn’t care about being there, but then they got pissed when she got all aggressive on group dates and stole private time with Travis. They thought she had him fooled, and that she was unstable.
Moana told Travis he makes her feel complete, and that she’s in love with him. What IS it with these people on this show, declaring love in a matter of a few group dates?
Tara says Moana had this harsh personality, and Shiloh says that Moana would be your friend one day and not the next. Sarah B says, though, that just because the women have a beef with Moana doesn’t mean there’s no real chemistry between her and Travis. Susan admits to calling Moana unstable, but also admits, “I was spiteful because I was jealous.”
Jenny points out that in a good mood, Moana would do people’s makeup and make everyone breakfast. Chris asks if the ladies’ feelings about Moana have changed since the house, and several women agree that they have. Jehan says now they’ve seen the show, they see a soft side that they didn’t see in the house.
The Classic “Boring Girl Next Door vs. Exotic Emotional Wreck” Dilemma
Apparently we’re not going to get any real discussion about the Sarah who’s still in the running. Next week, Travis will choose between Sarah and Moana. He says with Sarah, who’s from Nashville just like him, it was a friendship that became more. She’s energetic, has a zest for life and lives in the moment, and that she’s “the perfect match for me.” He says she’s the girl next door.
Of Moana, Travis says there’s a lot of depth under beauty. There’s something about her that he finds mysterious and exciting, and he feels a real, true romantic chemistry. Moana says she’s never felt this way about anyone, and that she can see him being her rock. Um, she’s kinda emotional, isn’t she?
Travis says this is the most difficult decision he’s ever had to make. He cares for both women. Hopefully for him, taking them both home to meet his folks will help solve this dilemma. Travis’ dad has trouble seeing what attracts Moana to Travis, and the previews seem to involve a lot of crying. Both women want him. Chris promises us “the most unforgettable conclusion to the most romantic season ever.” I highly doubt that, but dammit, now I’m sucked in. See y’all next week.
I don’t care who wins. firstname.lastname@example.org