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Thread: Bachelor recap 2/13…Can you say skank in Italian?

  1. #1
    Being VIP Yardgnome's Avatar
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    Bachelor recap 2/13…Can you say skank in Italian?

    Welcome back everyone…Tonight on the Bachelor we have another 2-hour long show full of more recap footage than I am able to tolerate. Last week we said goodbye to our favorite resident psycho, Sarah B., and this week we see the ladies on overnight dates with Travis in exotic European locations.

    We are informed that Travis will be visiting Vienna, Austria with Sarah, Venice, Italy with Moana and the French Alps with Susan. On these dates will he make romantic connections with the ladies, will he find the woman of his dreams, will I be able to stay awake and write a witty recap for this 2-hour long show? All these questions hopefully will be answered!

    Please kill me, now!
    Before we can get started on the actual show Fleiss and company decides to give us what we have been hoping for all season long, forty-five minutes of past season updates. At this point I am trying to figure out what could be more enjoyable than this recap fest they are giving to us. I fondly think of the nap I had yesterday, the time when I was 6 years old and I fell off my bike and skinned both my knees, the day my dog died, and of course last weeks Bachelor episode.

    From the recap montage we learn that Trista and Ryan are still married and hoping to have a baby soon. Charlie and Sarah are still dating and living together in LA while Charlie works on a new TV show. Byron and Mary are engaged and working on planning their wedding for later this year. See ABC, I summed up past season contestants in 3 sentences, that’s all we needed!

    What is the meaning of Life?
    As Travis is preparing for his 3 overnight dates he ponders these thoughtful questions: I am concerned about what Susan’s mom said, is she here for the right reasons? Can Sarah and I move from friends to more than friends? Why did all the other girls hate Moana, what does that mean? Am I really looking for love on a reality TV show? Do the viewers know I want to move to the mountains? I wonder where I can get a personality?

    If you’re not careful your face will freeze like that
    Tonight Travis and Moana, you win an all expense paid trip to Venice, Italy. You will ride in a gondola, eat dinner on a balcony and stay the night in a fantasy suite. Followed by oohs and aahs from the audience. As Moana arrives via water taxi Travis is waiting for her at the dock. They decide to do a little sightseeing in the beautiful city of Venice and start in the Piazza San Marco. Moana in her wisdom asks Travis what is that building, a church or something. Travis informs her that it is a church, San Marco, hence Piazza San Marco were they are standing. As they are enjoying the square the pigeons overtake Moana and mistake her for a statue in the city. The question is will they leave little presents for her like they do for the statues? The suspense is killing me.

    After their stroll through the town they climb into a gondola for a romantic afternoon trip through the canals. Travis tells Moana a Venice myth, anytime you travel under a bridge you need to kiss the person you are with. They instruct the gondolier to travel under as many bridges as possible and I pray for my cable to go out.

    Nothing says romance like an accordion
    After the romantic gondola ride Travis and Moana go and get gussied up for a romantic evening together. They meet on the balcony of a hotel for dinner and conversation. As Travis toasts Moana and their time in Venice, they hear the sounds of an accordion off the balcony. To thank the man for his music Travis and Moana do what any American in Italy would, yell random Italian words at him, grazie, Buona sera, Prego, ragu, mafia, vino, mozzarella…

    Once the Italian lesson is finished they sit down to dinner and a serious discussion. Travis is ready to go back to his old life in Nashville but would never trade the experiences from the show or meeting Moana. When they are together everything disappears, this is real. Moana feels they are 100% in the right position right now. Travis pulls out an envelope and hands it to Moana to read. What could this be? It’s an invitation to share a room for the night, they decide to give it a go.

    Fade to black
    They have agreed that they NEED this time alone tonight. Moana knows that Travis will use the suite with the other two ladies but she wants to end the night with Travis. They kiss on the couch and then Travis gets up and closes the door, shutting out the cameras, the viewing public and random accordion players.

    Friends with benefits?
    Sarah and Travis are both going to see if their relationship goes beyond friendship. They meet up in the heart of Vienna and go on a 100 year old Ferris wheel ride. As the ride is moving Travis looks out and remarks “did you notice that all European cities the buildings are all the same height?” He then takes another swig of beer and so do I. Travis says that he and Sarah have a very strong connection but they are not always romantic, more like friends. We get it already, you think you are friends, how about if you tell us that once more, I didn’t catch it the first 500 times.

    After the Ferris wheel they head over to a spa for a couples massage. After being rubbed down they climb into a floating pool. This is a very shallow pool that you lay in and just float on the surface, hence floating pool. As they are floating Travis leans over and gives Sarah a couple of friendly pecks on the lips.

    No Beef-a-reno
    To start the evening date Travis and Sarah go on a handsome cab ride around the city, all the buildings are lit up and it does look spectacular. Travis appreciates that Sarah is not throwing herself at him, she is trying to build the relationship on a friendship. After the cab ride they return to the Radisson hotel (blatant sponsorship plug) for dinner. Travis pulls out the envelope for the Fantasy Suite, wasting no time here.

    How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends…
    Travis suggests that they take all the food and go up to the suite and hang out in a casual setting. They grab about 5 plates of food and head to the room. Travis tells her he has developed a strong friendship with her, more than anyone. Here we go with the friendship thing again. Sarah tells Travis that it is not like her to just jump right into a relationship, she has different intentions than the other girls. Travis wants details on the other girls. Sarah says the final three is a very weird combination, she thinks her and Travis are the most settled in their skin and that they are the best match of the three. Travis is happy she described how they are compatible without having to trash the other girls and he respects her opinion.

    After their discussion and dinner is over Travis leans over and gives her a passionate kiss. I’m not really sold this is a passionate kiss, it looks more like two good friends being forced to kiss, for a camera.

    Acting 101
    Last date of the night, Travis has lots of questions for Susan, he wants to know if she is being sincere or if she is just telling him things he wants to hear. He meets her at the base of a mountain and invites her to go rock climbing with him. As they make their way up the cliff they stop off at a ledge for a serious discussion. I assume they stop here because if he is not happy with her answers he can push her off and make it look like an accident.

    Travis starts off by asking her what she is going to do when she gets back to the States. She tells Travis that she is planning to move back to LA so she can work on her acting career. We know now she is being herself and not telling Travis what he wants to hear. He then wants to know if she came to France for exposure or for him. She half answers him and lets him know that she came for him because she really likes him. Travis then calls her out and they climb the rest of the way up the mountain to enjoy hot cider.

    As they are sitting around he starts to grill her again, he wants to know if she bragged to the other ladies about their kiss when she got home from her date. Susan is upset by this and musters up some fake tears to prove how wrong he is. As the tears start to fall I only hope there is an agent out there watching. Tom Cruise’s sister, you out there? He kisses away her fake tears, and is happy with her answers. I yell at the TV, are you really that dense? He thinks she did a great job of riding him of any fears he had about her.

    Failing Acting 101
    After a day of mountain climbing they head indoors for a romantic dinner for two in a room with a fireplace. Travis wants her to relax and be herself, he invited her to the Alps in hopes that she would do that. Susan gives him some lines about how she likes to relax and does not really go to clubs all that often anymore only sometimes with her friends. Huh?

    They dig into the fondue and Travis tells Susan he likes women who disagree with him and challenge him. She agrees and says she is like that. He then tells her he has caught her agreeing with everything he says, she agrees disagrees with him and tells him she is just nervous. She then lets it all out, puts the feelings on the table. She tells Travis she is totally falling in love with him and then drops some very romantic beeps. The body language between this couple is so loving, Susan is leaning in all over the table, and Travis is leaning as far back as possible in his chair. What can all this mean? He then pulls out the long awaited Fantasy suite envelope and they are off.

    Hot, too hot
    They head up to room 26 (I only know this because Susan announced it) and jump in the hot tub. They kiss in the hot tub and Travis feels like he truly knows Susan now and he also knows she has real feelings for him.

    Rhyme Time

    Every ho
    Down in ho-ville
    Liked Travis a lot…

    But for Travis,
    Who lives outside of ho-ville
    He’s now on the spot!

    The ladies leave Travis messages before his final decision and here is what they had to say:
    Moana: Venice was amazing from pigeons to gondolas to accordion players. I hope this is the beginning to lots more adventures.
    Sarah: I am glad we got to experience the city together. We are perfect together and I can see a future for us.
    Susan: I had an amazing time with you, I feel like you got to see the real Susan. I am falling in love with you, I hope you feel the same way and we can be together.

    Someone’s gettin' cut
    It’s rose time, who’s going, and who’s staying, time to find out! Travis gives a speech to the ladies about being blessed for all the experiences he has had but now he’s going to have to let one of them down.

    First rose goes to Moana, she gladly accepts. Last rose goes to Sarah, she also accepts. Susan is shooting daggers at Travis and the ladies as her name is not called. Goodbye Hollywood Travis.

    Travis takes her out to the hall for his official break-up speech. Travis tells her she is amazing and he is not sure if he made the right decision but he doesn’t feel he got to know the real Susan. Susan than drums up some fake tears and puts on the worst show telling the camera she didn’t try to be anybody but herself. As she gives her speech I feel like this is just horrible acting, she will probably go on to get a staring role on 7th Heaven from it. At this point I have looked at the clock 100 times and I’m chanting “please end now!”

    Still going, and going, and going…
    This show will just not end, we go to the limo for Susan’s final thoughts. She is totally mystified by his decision. She tells us that she has tried to keep herself controlled and professional this whole time, then she goes into a swearing fit. Real professional.

    Final toast, cheers and for everything that is good and holy the show is over!

    Tune in next Monday at 10 pm for the Women Tell All episode of the Bachelor Paris. See crazy baby lady still be crazy, Susan confront the women, and the final two give their thoughts on Travis.

    I’m off to learn more Italian words that I can put in my next recap. Email me at Yardgnome77@fansofrealitytv.co m.

  2. #2
    FORT Fan grandedame's Avatar
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    To thank the man for his music Travis and Moana do what any American in Italy would, yell random Italian words at him, grazie, Buona sera, Prego, ragu, mafia, vino, mozzarella…

    Who needed to watch the show? Thanks

  3. #3
    FORT Fan lil'olme's Avatar
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    Omigod! This recap was totally hilarious... thanks for the laugh. I really needed it!

    My personal fave:

    Please kill me, now!
    Before we can get started on the actual show Fleiss and company decides to give us what we have been hoping for all season long, forty-five minutes of past season updates. At this point I am trying to figure out what could be more enjoyable than this recap fest they are giving to us. I fondly think of the nap I had yesterday, the time when I was 6 years old and I fell off my bike and skinned both my knees, the day my dog died, and of course last weeks Bachelor episode.

    From the recap montage we learn that Trista and Ryan are still married and hoping to have a baby soon. Charlie and Sarah are still dating and living together in LA while Charlie works on a new TV show. Byron and Mary are engaged and working on planning their wedding for later this year. See ABC, I summed up past season contestants in 3 sentences, that’s all we needed!

  4. #4
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Am I really looking for love on a reality TV show? Do the viewers know I want to move to the mountains? I wonder where I can get a personality?

    They instruct the gondolier to travel under as many bridges as possible and I pray for my cable to go out.

    Susan is shooting daggers at Travis and the ladies as her name is not called. Goodbye Hollywood Travis.

    As she gives her speech I feel like this is just horrible acting, she will probably go on to get a staring role on 7th Heaven from it.
    Excellent recapping, yardgnome

  5. #5
    FORT Fogey miadora's Avatar
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    Great Recap. Thanks!

    [QUOTE=yardgnome77;1779560]
    How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends…
    Travis suggests that they take all the food and go up to the suite and hang out in a casual setting. They grab about 5 plates of food and head to the room. Travis tells her he has developed a strong friendship with her, more than anyone. Here we go with the friendship thing again. Sarah tells Travis that it is not like her to just jump right into a relationship, she has different intentions than the other girls. Travis wants details on the other girls. Sarah says the final three is a very weird combination, she thinks her and Travis are the most settled in their skin and that they are the best match of the three. Travis is happy she described how they are compatible without having to trash the other girls and he respects her opinion.


    I love how after this, Travis tells Sarah he can't stand it when someone talks badly about someone just because they are "different." Did you see the look on Sarah's face after that?? She looked like a deer in headlights. It looked like she thought he was going to bust her for her trash talking of Moana earlier in the season. I would have loved to see Sarah called out for that by Travis. Also, as Travis walks Susan out after the rose ceremony, Sarah grabs Moana's arm and is chit chatting at her, smiling, like they are close friends. Too bad Sarah might have forgotten she repeatedly trashed Moana to the cameras earlier this season. Yeah, Sarah's a real classy gal. I hope her utter meaness and fakeness comes back to bite her in the butt.

  6. #6
    FORT Regular DARtheSTAR's Avatar
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    I missed the show, so this was an awesome recap!

  7. #7
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    I know, I do not like Moana AT ALL!!!
    she is the most obviously psychotic woman in the entire group - how she's still around I'll NEVER understand!!
    Travis seems like such a good person & she seems so EVIL!!

  8. #8
    When I'm 64 William13's Avatar
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    Rhyme Time
    Every ho
    Down in ho-ville
    Liked Travis a lot…

    But for Travis,
    Who lives outside of ho-ville
    He’s now on the spot!
    That was so funny it almost made watching the show worthwhile.
    It occurred to me while watching this episode how to commit the perfect murder. If you want to kill someone, have Travis talk to them. They will die of boredom, with no sign of how they died except for the expression of horror on their face.
    Believe that I am not acting when I say how much I enjoyed the recap.

    They kiss on the couch and then Travis gets up and closes the door, shutting out the cameras, the viewing public and random accordion players.
    I wish they had closed us out earlier, like before the show started.

    The question is will they leave little presents for her like they do for the statues?
    I think that ABC left little presents on our heads with this episode.

    I could go on and on quoting parts of the recap that I loved, but I don't see the need to quote your own recap back to you. Thanks for the very entertaining read.

  9. #9
    A Swirl of Leaves Arielflies's Avatar
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    I'm impressed! You got through the whole 2 hours without actually nodding off - or so you say...

    Best capsulating of a 45 min segment I've read yet - and in only 3 sentences. Did I mention I'm impressed?

    A few more Italian words to throw off the balcony - Ciao; arrivederci, come si dice, "play it again, Sam"?

    Thanks for the fun read.

  10. #10
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by yardgnome77 View Post
    I fondly think of the nap I had yesterday, the time when I was 6 years old and I fell off my bike and skinned both my knees, the day my dog died, and of course last weeks Bachelor episode.

    They instruct the gondolier to travel under as many bridges as possible and I pray for my cable to go out.

    To thank the man for his music Travis and Moana do what any American in Italy would, yell random Italian words at him, grazie, Buona sera, Prego, ragu, mafia, vino, mozzarella…

    I assume they stop here because if he is not happy with her answers he can push her off and make it look like an accident.

    Goodbye Hollywood Travis.

    As she gives her speech I feel like this is just horrible acting, she will probably go on to get a staring role on 7th Heaven from it.
    YG, excellent, hilarious recap. Bravo!
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

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