Hey, Bachelor fans, pour yourself a glass of champagne, and let’s get ready to relive the highlights from last week. I’m sure you remember Jennifer and Shiloh were cut from the bachelorette team, and Moana finally decided she was going to get her game on. I don’t know about you, but I was definitely ready for some action, which got me thinking. Why do you watch The Bachelor? Do you watch for the possibility of a blossoming love story? Or do you watch secretly hoping for a catfight that just might include some hair pulling and acrylic nail scratching? Well, if you’re like me, you want both. After all, this is a Fleiss production, so that’s not asking too much, right? These past few weeks, the show has been slowly slipping into a pit of boredom, but last week we began to see a tiny crack in the all-for-one camaraderie the women seem to be sharing. Let’s hope that crack turns into an all-out fissure tonight. So drink up, and away we go…
Bizarro Bachelor World
Chris gathers the women and reminds them that one-on-one time with the bachelor is incredibly important. Good grief, if these women need to be reminded of this, they need more help than they’re going to get from Chris. But fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about her) even Tara Lindsey Lohan seems to understand the importance of being alone with Dash. Or is that simply an alcohol-induced glaze over her eyes? Chris says there will be two intimate one-on-one dates this week, and one group date. And who chooses which bachelorettes go on which date? Why, Jennifer and Shiloh, that’s who. Gah. I hate these stupid-ass reality show surprises/tricks. Shiloh looks a little disinterested, but Jennifer, has the look of revenge stamped all over her face, and appears to be feeling giddy with the power that she holds. It’s a little hard to take her seriously, though, since she’s wearing a coat that looks like the one my sweet little grandmother brought over with her from Ireland, and believe me when I tell you, that wasn’t yesterday.
During the following interrogations, the world must have slipped off it’s axis, because suddenly I hate Jennifer (I loved her before tonight), and I’m feeling the Moana love (I couldn’t stand her before). What follows is a series of interviews between Shiloh and Jennifer, and the ladies still in the house. They ask Sarah S. if she can picture herself being married to Dash, and she says that she could see them married. Shocked, Shiloh asks her why, and Sarah says they’re kind of like the same person. Is she kidding? The interviewers grill Jehan with accusations of playing it safe. From there they accuse Whiny Sarah of not being mature enough, but the real kicker is when they get to Tara Lindsey Lohan. Jennifer goes for the throat by noting that three out of four times she’s been with Dash, she’s been drunk. Zing! Her reply is that she’s younger, and she likes to have a good time. They tell her they’re afraid if they give her the one-on-one, she’ll get plastered, and Tara innocently says there’s no way she would do that. But basically, she knows she will, and has no rebuttal. I say give her the date, provide plenty of alcohol, then sit back and watch her dissolve into a drooling, head-bobbing, incoherent sozzled slob. One good look at that mess, and Dash is certain to send her home ASAP. (These women clearly don’t get it). Susan is next, and they talk about how she wants to move to Los Angeles to become an actress, and that it doesn’t seem to fit into Dash’s medical career in Nashville. Susan says she doesn’t want a carbon copy of herself. But they’ve saved the best for last, and are sharpening their claws in preparation for Moana’s turn in the hot seat. Shiloh bitchily asks if Moana is scared of them, and when she says no, she’s told she should be. This is so 7th grade. It’s got MF written all over it (calm down…I mean MF as in Mike Fleiss, heheh), and this whole schtick is totally absurd. Moana tells them if their intent is to intimidate her, go for it. This really angers them. Jennifer comes unglued and questions Moana’s motives. Moana tells them her feelings about Dash have changed…where she once felt disinterest, she’s now got the hots for him. She breaks down crying, saying that when she’s with Dash, she doesn’t notice the other women. She’s sorry if she stepped on their toes, but she’s trying to grasp what it is she’s feeling for him. I’m not sure if I believe what she’s saying, but they’re not going to give her the one-on-one date anyway, so what does it matter. They are extremely bitter and nasty, and I refuse to give them any more of my time. I hope they feel utterly ridiculous watching themselves on television.
Divorce Is Just A Seven-Letter Word
Fleiss has provided a picnic basket, and Dash places napkins, wine, grapes and The Rose inside. As he’s doing this, he tells us he appreciates Fleiss coercing Jennifer and Shiloh into grilling the remaining women. Well, not really, but that’s what I was thinking.
Jehan is given the first one-on-one date, and she and Dash go to an outdoor market in search of other foods to add to the picnic they’ll eat later. After they’ve spent the entire day together, they share a romantic dinner under the Eiffel Tower as the sun sets. Dash presents her with a cheesy necklace in the shape of the Eiffel Tower, and asks about her past relationships. She says she thought she was in love once before, but the man deceived her. She elaborates more, saying she got married at the age of 25. At this revelation, Dash takes a looong drink of his wine. She says, after they were married, she discovered the man married her in order to stay in the country. (Sort of like Gérard Depardieu in the movie, Green Card, I guess, only her version doesn‘t sound like a romantic comedy). Dash looks stunned. Remember, this is the guy who was making a big deal about waiting to get married because he doesn’t “believe” in divorce. It’s a good thing he’s not attracted to the likes of Blob Guiney…remember, he was divorced, too. Sheesh, divorce happens, it’s not like she’s an axe murderer or something. He downs his glass of wine, and says he has a surprise for her. Oh, maybe he has gotten over the shock that she’s divorced. Ahem.
They walk up to the top of the Eiffel Tower, say “amazing” about 200 hundred times, and Dash, having not quite recovered from her big secret, asks if there’s anything else she’s hiding, to which she says no. She seems to be falling for Dash, but we can see he’s still reeling from what he’s heard. He tells her he’s always held onto the “fairy tale belief” that he’ll find someone who’s never been married, and he wants to hold off giving her a rose until he’s dated the other women. He asks if she’s willing to hang in there a little longer, and unbelievably, she agrees. This whole scene reminds me of a teenage boy asking a girl to the prom, and her telling him she wants to wait and see if anyone better comes along first. My advice to her is to gather her pride and run.
She returns to the chateau, and tells the ladies she didn’t get a rose, but can stay. (So much for the Bachelor Rules). She confides in the women that she’s been married before, and gives them all a chance to act shocked and disgusted. I’m sure Tara Lindsey Lohan is especially thrilled that someone, other than her, is the cause for looks of shock and disgust.
Ride Me, Baby
Whiny Sarah brings the next date box into the chateau, but she has a little trouble carrying it because she’s also lugging around the bachelorette staple…a glass of wine. The next date will be a bike ride through the French countryside and will include Whiny Sarah, Tara Lindsey Lohan, Susan and Moana. That leaves Sarah S. for the only other single date. As the ladies go through the goodies in the box, I can’t help but notice Tara Lindsey Lohan has a colossal bruise on her right knee. You know how people who drink too much are described as falling down drunk? Well, in her case, I think she really did fall down drunk. Yikes, that’s a massive bruise. I’m pissed off Fleiss didn’t let us see it happen. Damn. Whiny Sarah drones, “I’ve been camping and bike riding…wow.” But I don’t think she means it in a good way. She’s probably thinking, I came all the way to France for this?
Dash arrives at the mansion with the bikes in tow, and when he knocks at the door, Tara Lindsey Lohan says, “is that our boyfriend?” Man, she’s obnoxious even when she’s not drunk…or maybe she is drunk already. Dash is thrilled to see they’re all wearing “head-to-toe spandex,” and everyone rushes out the door to begin the ride.
Susan is hoping the day goes well, because she says the last time everyone was together Moana, being the intense women she is, dominated the time with Dash. Standing on his skinny legs, and wearing a ridiculous-looking dew rag, Dash says there will be a bike race, and whoever wins gets a prize. A prize? Ooh, I hope the prize is a date with a real man who isn’t afraid of a divorcée. They take off, with Whiny Sarah whining, but Moana takes an early lead, and indeed wins the race.
Are Those Rollers In Your Hair, Or Are You Happy To See Me? <-----makes no sense, but I’ve got a headache
Sarah S. runs outside to claim her date box wearing the biggest rollers I’ve seen since the 60’s. Back then we’d use frozen juice cans (yes, they were clean), but these are real jumbo-sized curlers. Jehan watches as Sarah excitedly opens her box to find she’s going to Montmartre (an art district) with Dash. Jehan is sweetly encouraging to Sarah, and tells her not to be freaked out when she sees the rose sitting there throughout her date. She tells her she’ll do great, and agrees Sarah should take the rollers out of her hair before the date. Good friends like that are hard to find.
They’re All Wet
After the bike ride, they all frolic in the pool, taking breaks now and then to drink champagne. Moana gets to claim her prize for winning the bike ride: private time with Dash as they get massages. Meh. They lay on their bellies, holding hands while the masseuses rub them down. I’m surprised Dash can even carry on a conversation with Moana, because a little peek of her boob is squishing out the side from underneath her. It’s distracting me…it’s got to be distracting him. Although he respects her need for privacy, he wants her to open up to him, and wants to know her history. Either the massage is wearing down her resolve to keep her distance, or perhaps it’s because they’re both naked (except for the teeny towels covering their arses), she drops her guard and explains that her parents divorced (gasp, there’s that word again) when she was young. Her father remarried, and her mom went her own way. She tells us later that he made her feel completely safe, and that he gave her the freedom to be.
In the meantime, Tara Lindsey Lohan, Susan and Whiny Sarah are wondering what Dash sees in Moana. They are confused as to why he can’t see that she doesn’t get along with the other women. What they fail to understand, is that Dash doesn’t care about that. There’s a window underwater in the pool that looks into the massage room, and the women have been provided goggles. Once they’re geared up, their time in the pool takes on a creepy vibe, as they spy on Dash and Moana, who seem oblivious to being ogled through the window. With their massages over, Dash and Moana hug, but just before they hug, we see Dash’s man boobs. I hope Fleiss remembers the man-bra featured in an old Seinfeld episode, and provides one of those for Dash because he needs it badly. Ew.
Swearing in French
Dash arrives to pick Sarah S. up for their solo date, and I notice Whiny Sarah isn’t there to see him off like the other girls. (I don’t know what to make of it, just thought I’d point it out). As Dash and Sarah S. walk along the city streets of Montmartre, a Frenchman calls out to Sarah. I think he said, “run away from that damn American,” but we’ll never know, because it got bleeped out. Rats.
Since Montmartre is an art district, they decide to get their portrait done. Let’s just hope they didn’t pay much for it, because it certainly doesn’t look like either one of them. Of course, if I’d drawn a portrait of them, it would have looked like two stick figures, so there’s always that.
The Proverbial Human Waste Hits The Fan
Behind Moana’s back, the girls are still harping about how confused they are that Dash is attracted to Moana. Jehan goes so far as to say Moana is emotionally unstable, and Susan agrees. I suspect Fleiss informed Moana about this, because suddenly she’s standing just outside the room listening to the women talk about her. One of them says if she’s one of the final four, they’ll vomit, and Jehan suggests someone should warn Dash about what she’s really like. At this point Moana bursts into the room telling them unless they’ve walked a day in her shoes, they have no idea what she’s about. She begins crying and Whiny Sarah wants to know what she was most shocked to overhear. She says hearing them call her “emotionally unstable,” “twisted,” and that they’re going to tell Dash what they think of her, upsets her the most. She directly asks Jehan what she finds most disgusting about her, and Jehan simply says she doesn’t understand her. Basically, I think they’re all providing great entertainment for ABC, but when you think about it, is Dash really worth all this? Don’t you all think he’s as bland as white bread? Meh. Moana leaves them to sulk, and tells us, she’d much rather have a “connection” with Dash than with them. Yep, that about sums up their senseless spat for what it is.
A Cool and Amazing Dinner
At dinner, Dash tells Sarah he thinks she’s pure and true (I think he’s looking for Snow White), and he feels at ease being with her. He respects her profession as a kindergarten teacher, and she seems deeply touched. They’re both enjoying dinner, and drinking beer, but we’re not seeing much of their time together. There is food on the table, then no food on the table. A rose is prominently placed on the table, then it’s gone. It’s quite obvious the film is being drastically edited, and I’m left to wonder why. I think quite possibly, they got along so well, Fleiss doesn’t want to tip his hand too much and show us their connection too early. Dash gives her the rose, and says he wants to meet her parents on the home-town visit. She’s thrilled and feels they have a lot in common. Dash thinks it’s “pretty cool” they both come from Nashville, but met in Paris. He may be a great doctor, but he sure has a limited vocabulary. He constantly spits out words like awesome, cool, and amazing, not to mention, connection and of course, journey.
Surprise, Surprise! (said in my best Gomer Pyle voice)
Dash surprises the women at the chateau by dropping in unannounced. He’s got another foolish dew rag on his head, but the ladies don’t seem to be as put off by it as me. For some strange reason, Tara Lindsey Lohan is wearing a puky green shawl (who’s grandmother did she knock off to get that ugly thing?), and is first to hug him. All the girls swoon over him at the kitchen table, but Moana is not with them. He says he wants to talk to the women alone, and he takes Whiny Sarah aside first. She tells him she’s having a hard time with all the “stuff” going on in the house. He reassures her from now on, things will be more normal because they’ll be spending more time together alone, and won’t be group dating anymore. She purrs, whines, and seems satisfied.
When he’s alone with Jehan she tries to find out how he’s feeling about her. He says amazing about 100 times, and lets her know he wants her to stay.
He’s off to find Moana, and says he’s beginning to realize she’s the black sheep in the group. He finds her writing in her journal, and she tells him she’s simply hiding out. She confides in him that last night the women were mean to her, and it’s left her hurt. She’s bitter about past relationships, and bitter about this experience. But says from the first time she saw him walk across the room, she felt he "recognized" her, and she didn’t feel scared for the first time in her life. I’m still not sure if she’s telling him the truth or feeding him a line, but he seems to be buying it. She tells him she’s forever changed and grateful. He worries about hurting her feelings.
Bah, Not Baa, Black Sheep
The ladies walk into the room for the ceremony, some looking more serious than others. Whiny Sarah and Tara Lindsey Lohan are arm in arm. Chris Harrison tells them there will not be a cocktail party tonight, and therefore, no chance to talk to Dash. Tara Lindsey Lohan looks disappointed. I wonder if they cancelled the chance to visit because they knew the girls wanted to talk to Dash about Moana, or is it truly because as Chris says, Dash has already made up his mind who will be getting roses.
Nevertheless, Sarah S. sits down with her rose, and Chris tells the others, there will be three roses for Dash to present tonight, and whoever gets the rose, will be bringing Dash home to meet their family. Two women will be going home tonight. Dash enters, wearing a Saturday-Night-Fever-gold shirt. Yes, a gold shirt. He looks like Tony Manero, or even possibly Wayne Newton…with bangs. Grown men shouldn’t wear their hair in bangs, ever. He thanks the women for going through this experience with him, says each of them is beautiful on the inside and out, and he feel blessed to have known them.
The first rose goes to Whiny Sarah, and she accepts without the usual hug. He tells her if she wants it, to come and get it, and she falls into his arms. The others are not amused. The second rose goes to Susan. Tara Lindsey Lohan looks like she’s going to be sick, but that’s nothing compared to how she looks when the last rose goes to Moana. Tara Lindsey Lohan looks as shocked as if someone snatched her wineglass right out of her hand. When she recovers she says goodbye to Jehan and the other women. Jehan guesses if she weren’t divorced, she’d have a rose, and of course we all know that’s true. Dash gives Tara a big hug goodbye, and she whispers to him, “just watch out for someone that’s fooling you. You deserve someone amazing. Someone here is trying to fool with your head,” (the camera points directly at Moana, hee). But I have to ask, why can’t she just say Moana’s name? Why does she have to word her warning so that Dash needs a decoder ring to know for certain who she’s talking about? As a side note, I find it hysterical that Tara Lindsey Lohan is more upset that he chose Moana, than she is about leaving.
Next week it’s the hometown visits, and one of the mothers tells Dash she’s disgusted by the whole experience, which makes Dash uncomfortable. Oooh, goody. I’m in dire need for some action this season, how about you? Contact me at email@example.com.