The first hour tonight begins with a fast-paced montage of prospective bachelors. We see bachelors sunning themselves, running bare-chested, playing pool, and driving cars. One bachelor gets out of his car in nothing but white jockey shorts and black socks, which prompts me to wonder what’s that about? And who in the hell do I need to talk to, to keep him from becoming the next Bachelor? However, the one that really made me stop in my tracks, and rewind the tape, again and again, is a bachelor with a tongue who makes Gene Simmons’ tongue look like a shriveled raisin. Did any of you catch that guy? You can bet he’s being sought after right now even as I type this. Oh yeah, but back to Dash Travis. We learn he was simply walking down the street in Nashville when he was discovered, and you can almost hear Staying Alive playing in the background.
Never Make Lemon Teeth
Once ABC chose Dash, they began focusing on the bachelorettes, and we’re shown several audition tapes. We see that Dr. Allie mentions her rotting eggs right off the bat, and Kristen recites one of her jingles. In a voice over, Chris Harrison says Kristen is “one of the most sincere and unique bachelorettes we’ve ever seen, but who knew that she would provide one of the most unforgettable and uncomfortable dates, ever.” Poor Kristen. I really like her, and thought her good-bye speech last week was one of the sweetest we’ve seen. Kristen, if you’re out there, know that a lot of us love you, and think you would be better suited for Blind Date. She compares Dash to that piece of candy you just want to eat. I guess that’s a good thing, unless of course, it’s that forgotten piece of candy in the bottom of your pocket that is old, cracked and covered in lint. I’m shocked to see Fleiss had jacuzzi footage of Kristen and Dash and didn’t show it last week. Kristen is truly naïve, because how could she not have seen how uncomfortable Dash is, while they’re soaking in the spa. She’s chattering on about how great it is being with him, and he can’t even look at her. It makes me wonder if there really were water jets in there, or if Kristen was making her own air bubbles, if you know what I mean. As she’s sent home, she leaves us with a warning…“girls, never make lemon teeth.” I’ll keep that in mind. Now on to tonight's show...
My Boys From The ER Hood
Two of Dash’s best friends (or at least the two who would come on national television), Matt and Kevin, come to visit their buddy, and help in selecting his perfect match. Yes, because everyone lets their friends choose their future mates. *roll eyes* Matt and Kevin are also doctors in Nashville, and they’ve devised a sure-fire way of determining who’s the best catch for Dash by testing the women on anatomy. A skeleton is hanging next to them, and there are a couple of full wine glasses sitting on the table just in case the women decide they need a little liquid nourishment to help them with their answers. I know when I was a student, I always found it helpful to get plastered before a test. It made for filling in those little bubbles on the test paper a little more difficult sometimes, but you see, that adds another dimension to the whole testing factor.
What is it the guys are dying to question the women about? They want to find out if the women know which muscle is the most powerful in the body. A montage of the women’s answers follows: Whiny Sarah guesses the wrist, two are completely stumped, Sarah S. says the brain or intestines, Tara guesses the tongue (could she have seen that bachelor’s audition tape?), and Susan guesses the butt, which is the correct answer.
Next, the boys really put the girls to the task by showing them three diamond rings. They
lie outrageouslytell the women there is a chance Dash could propose at the end of the show, and they want the women to pick which ring they would prefer. Basically it’s three diamond rings, ranging in sizes like the three bears’ beds: baby-, mama- and papa-sized diamonds. The only footage we’re shown is Tara Lindsey Lohan saying the largest is the most expensiveromantic, and Moana tells them she’s “as shallow as a kiddie pool,” and chooses the largest stone.
Next up is a talent contest, and Shiloh does a terrible rendition of break dancing, Susan juggles while balancing a book on her head, Sarah B. does the splits, Jehan hums while making a weird clicking sound with her mouth, and most impressively, Sarah S. put her entire fist in her mouth. Don’t you know the guys couldn’t wait to run and tell Dash about that one. Jennifer being a swimsuit model, simply posed (I really like her, but that was beyond lame).
His best buds choose Susan for the special one-on-one date, and although Sarah B. is jealous, she believes she’ll still get the first kiss because Dash is saving it for her. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Sarah. Susan is excited but as she packs her bags, she’s worried that he could send her home at the end of the date.
At Least He Asked For Directions
Dash brings pizza for the loser bachelorettes, and he and Susan set out for the date in the smallest car I’ve ever seen. I’m sure there was a wind-up key somewhere on the outside of the car, but the camera didn’t catch it for us. My neighbor’s son had a car that wasn’t much smaller than this one, and he was only five. I’m surprised Lanky Dash even fits inside. They are told the name of the restaurant where they’ll be dining, then given maps as a test to see how the couple handles stress together. Neither one of them speak French, and after hours of being lost in a torrential rain and driving in circles, they finally arrive. It’s probably safe to assume ABC eventually drove in front of them saying “follow us.”
At the restaurant, Dash gives Susan the usual spiel, about ignoring the rose, and asks her to simply focus on having a good time. They do seem to get along quite well, and the conversation is certainly flowing easier than it did with Kristen. When Susan asks why he’s still single, Dash chooses Stock Answer #3, and says he doesn’t want to be divorced, or regret marrying the wrong person, so he’s waiting. Susan, of course, says she completely agrees with him.
The camera cuts back to the chateau, and the women are ruminating over whether Susan is there “for the right reasons,” because apparently she’s let it known she wants to be an actress. Moana thinks she’s a pretty good judge of character, and she thinks Dash will be able to see through her. I don’t. He seems like such a young 33-year-old, that I think he’s buying everything everyone is selling him. I could be wrong. In fact, I hope I’m wrong, but he looks very gullible to me. Sarah S. feels Moana’s also here for the wrong reasons. I love how everyone always thinks they’re the only one there for the right reasons.
Waiter, There’s A Snail On My Plate!
As Dash samples the snails disguised as gourmet French food, Susan confesses that she feels a lot for him. He reveals he thinks she’s beautiful, and that she has a lot of depth. With that, he offers her the rose, and she “absolutely” accepts. They have a quick lip kiss, and a hug. She thinks he’s “amazing,” and says she’s willing to take her time to see what happens. Dash is quite flattered. Sigh, as comfortable as they seem together, they certainly don’t make for compelling television drama. They venture out on the balcony, and finally we sense some real emotion between them. They hug and she tells him, she’s a “smitten kitten.” With porn music playing in the background, they continue smooching, and Dash says his first kiss in Paris was very romantic. Ooh, won’t Whiny Sarah be thrilled to hear the news! Heheh.
A Girl’s Got To Have Her Hobbies
Back at the chateau, the girls are dabbling in two of their favorite past-times. Gossiping about whomever is not in the room, and drinking wine. They hear the next date box arrive, which Tara Lindsay Lohan retrieves, and she announces who will be going on the next date: Tara Lindsey Lohan, as well as Moana, Sarah S., Jehan, and Shiloh. Amidst screams, we hear they’ll be spending the night on the French Riviera followed by Jennifer and Whiny Sarah going on a separate date.
Susan returns at 4:00am, and all the girls have waited up for her. As soon as she walks in the front door they question her about the date. The first thing they want to know is if they kissed. When she says yes, Whiny Sarah is crestfallen, and now she doesn’t know how she’ll stick out to Dash if someone else is one step ahead of her. Let me tell you something your mother should have told you years ago Whiny Sarah…it’s called, class. You stand out by having class. Give it a try, sometimes it works.
Pimp My Yacht, Daddy
The group flies to the South of France and arrive at an enormous three-story yacht with multiple decks, a pool and a buffet spread, ready and waiting. Jehan says as awesome as the yacht is, she’s keeping her eye on the prize, which is
the television exposureDash. Kidding. I just couldn’t resist. *wink*
While on the yacht, there is laughing, dancing, drinking (imagine that), and at first glance it looks like everyone’s having fun. With all the boozing going on, Tara Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting tipsy again. Sarah S. is still fretting about Moana’s motives, as Moana and Dash take off on a jet ski. For some reason, all the girls left behind are furious that Moana had the “nerve” to run off with him on the jet ski. Personally, I don’t get it. Do they have to stay in one cohesive group as if they’re all joined at the hip? As much as I don’t particularly like Moana, I say, go for it, chickie. Dash considers her “proactive.” Tara Lindsey Lohan seems particularly upset, and I say, oh, pour yourself another cocktail, Tara.
As the sun begins to set, Dash suggests everyone shower. Attaboy, Dash, be proactive, buddy. Oh, he means separately. Poo. They get cleaned up, gussied up, and head out to a nearby casino. It looks like they’re having a great time, but I tell you, that’s nothing compared to the fun we FoRTers had in Las Vegas in October. If you get a chance to attend FoRTcon this year, grab the opportunity, baby!
While at the casino, Shiloh grabs Dash for some alone time. He encourages her to talk about anything on her mind, and she grabs that ball and runs with it. She says she hopes he gives everyone a chance. Dash shows his naivety and says that he’s still trying to determine who really likes him for him. She warns him to keep his ears open, but he says he’s going to base his decisions solely on what he sees, not on hearsay. In the meantime, the girls question a cigar-smoking Moana about her feelings for Dash, but she refuses to indulge them. It’s rather refreshing to see someone really smoke a cigar, unlike the chump on Martha Stewart’s show, who insisted on carting around an unlit stogie. Sarah S. is furious because she thinks Moana is in the way. Personally, I think they’re all in the way, as I can’t picture any of these people “connecting.”
Sharing Body Parts
Susan, Jennifer and Whiny Sarah are passing the time away at the chateau by sitting at the kitchen table drinking…water? What the? Maybe they’re between wine bottles or something. The date box arrives for Jennifer and Sarah, and the invitation states, “Looking forward to sharing a part of me with both of you, Travis.” Whoa, now we’re talking, but I guess that means we won’t be seeing much of that date. The next card says, “tomorrow one rose, one stays, one goes.” Now that will be awkward.
The others return to the yacht, and the rose is prominently displayed. Tara Lindsey Lohan points it out, and tells Dash to get it over with and give it to someone. Instead he steals Sarah S. away, and they head off to a quiet corner. In the meantime, Tanked-Up Tara Lindsey Lohan says she doesn’t think Sarah is his type, that she’s too sweet and naïve for Dash. She thinks he wants someone who puts that extra “oomph” into it. She doesn’t say it, but you know she’s thinking, “like me!” *hiccup*
With a gorgeous sunset behind them, Sarah S. reminds Dash everything they share in common. But she might as well be on a job interview, with the way she’s handling the conversation. He says that since she never dates (what?), and she gets along so well with the other girls, he wonders if she is a “sexual being.” Oh my, you don’t have to be Dr. Phil to know it’s not a good sign when your date questions your sexuality. Ack. She laughs, and he asks if she ever gets really passionate about anything. Rather dispassionately she says she’s very passionate. In the middle of their conversation, a Sozzled Tara Lindsey Lohan interrupts them. Gah, again? She says everyone wants to come up to the hot tub, and Dash tells her to give them a few more minutes. Sarah is visibly, passionately, annoyed. They continue talking, and once again, Lushy Tara Lindsey Lohan interrupts, this time accompanied by Moana. A slurring, Stewed Tara Lindsey Lohan explains to us she was hoping to join them, but in a hilarious aboutface, Dash and Sarah S. leave the two of them alone in the hot tub. Ha.
Eventually everyone joins up together, and Potted Tara Lindsey Lohan questions Dash about the rose again, but he informs everyone he won’t decide who gets it until morning. The women are not happy about this bit of news. As far as Blithered Tara Lindsey Lohan goes, I think she needs to go home. STAT! I’ll never forgive him for letting Cole go and keeping this mindless, vapid, dull, lifeless, insipid tart. *shakes fist*
As the girls are talking the following morning, Moana brings a cup of coffee to a still-in-bed Dash. She ends up crawling in bed with him, and he thinks she’s exciting and mysterious. He tells her that when they were out jet skiing yesterday, he wished they could have come back to the boat alone. She says with a laugh, “that’s kind of cheesy, but I’m digging it.”
Dash and Moana come back to the group, and Dash presents the rose to Moana, again showing the ladies that he likes being pursued. It worked for Tipsy Tara Lindsey Lohan last week, and Moana this week. Will they ever catch on? As he leaves to prepare for the flight back to the villa, they ask Moana how she feels about him, and she pleads the fifth. Sarah S. asks if she’s falling for him, and Moana shrugs. But wait a minute. Whose ugly man-feet are within camera range? I hoped they were Swacked Tara Lindsey Lohan’s, because I can’t stand her, but after closer scrutiny, I think they’re Shiloh’s. Yeow. Sarah S. is truly falling for Dash, and is upset that Moana got the rose, because she fears Moana’s tricking him.
This Date Bites
Jennifer knows the other date was at the French Riviera, so she’s unnerved to hear their date will be camping. She admits this will be her first time camping, and Whiny Sarah looks tremendously disappointed, although she keeps a smile plastered on her face. When Dash tells her to stay open minded, Jennifer says, “open minded means watch out for bugs and peeing in the woods.”
Can someone please get Whiny Sarah a grammar textbook? She grinds on my nerves anyway, but when she says, “…knowing that me and Travis have romantically connected, whereas him and Jennifer haven’t…” Gah, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. What in the hell does he see in her? Oh, I forgot, it’s probably not Dash’s brain that’s attracted to her.
Most of my childhood vacations were spent in the great outdoors, where we learned to handle mosquitoes, bears, and marmots, as well as mother nature. I still remember waking up (no tent, mind you) to my Dad digging a trench around my sleeping bag because it was raining, and he was trying to keep my sleeping bag from becoming a giant sponge (as if that would really help). It was useless, of course, but ah, what fond memories. As an adult, Mr. Roses and I have backpacked all over California, when the weight of everything you take is closely inspected. So when I see all the junk they’ve got for this trip, I can’t help but laugh out loud.
They pull up to a roaring fire, and a large open tent with a bright light glowing from within. Okay, you non-campers may not know this, but if you leave a light on in your tent, it is imperative you keep the door flaps zipped up. The importance of this will become obvious a little later on.
Dash teaches the youngin’s how to whittle branches, and I suppose this type of setting (being quieter and more serene) would help them get to know each other better, but frankly it’s a snooze-fest to watch. I didn’t realize how entertaining it is watching the tipsy women clamoring for Dash’s attention until now. Compared to the Pimp Daddy Yacht, this date is a big yawn.
Dash and Jennifer slip into the tent just a few feet away, leaving Sarah B. to stare at the fire, and eavesdrop (at least I would). Dash tells Jennifer his idea of a great time is to sip beers around a fire. Jennifer wants him to know that just because she’s never camped before, she likes how they have differences, and that maybe they can teach each other new things. However, she’s freaking out about all the bugs in the tent (should have kept those flaps closed…), and worried that they’ll bite her. Dash tries to comfort her, but she’s not having it, and she seems extraordinarily relieved to get out of the tent.
Next, it’s Sarah’s turn in the tent, and she leaves no doubt she was eavesdropping earlier, heheh. She squeaks out a few words telling Dash she doesn’t like how Jennifer and the others give him the answers they think he wants to hear, and says she’s not like that. They hug, and he says they should join Jennifer outside the tent. Whiny Sarah tells us that her one-on-one time sucked. Aw, poor Whiny Sarah. At least the bugs didn’t bite.
Dash tells the women he’s letting his feelings guide him, and he gives the rose to Whiny Sarah, which she accepts with a whiny whimper. Jennifer, sadly watches them hug, and in one of the Most.Difficult.Bachelor.Scenes .Ever, we’re forced to watch as she realizes she’s going home. She cries and says she leaves wondering if there is something wrong with her. She says she doesn’t know what else she could have done, short of holding up the tent with one hand, and pouring them a cocktail with other. As her bags are picked up back at the villa, someone sadly says, “Jenny….,” and the other women know one more woman is out of the competition. At least Jennifer can look forward to getting away from the great outdoors and all those bugs.
After saying goodbye to Jennifer, Dash runs back to Whiny Sarah, and they playfully roll around on a bed of blankets and pillows and talk lovingly to each other. He tells her he couldn’t believe how beautiful she was when she first came out of the limo, and she giggles, coos, whines, and whimpers. They kiss and show us their tongues. Gag. But, I also notice they seem to have a secret gesture between the two of them. Did any of you catch that? They each, at different times, held their index finger up to their lips, in a typical gesture that often signifies ‘shhh.’ In this case, however, I think it means ‘kiss.’ Or perhaps Dash is telling her to shut up and kiss him because he can’t stand her poor grammar, either. You can bet I’ll be on the lookout for this in future episodes.
Send The Stoner Home…Please
Black formal wear is definitely the order of the night, as most of the women are wearing black dresses. Moana and Shiloh are wearing slacks, and Susan is *almost* wearing a dress with a plunging neckline. Her dress has got some serious cleavage going on, and frankly I’m surprised she’d waste that dress at a rose ceremony when she’s already holding a rose. If it were me, I’d have saved it for when my neck, or rather my breasts, were on the line. Anyhoo, Susan, Whiny Sarah and Moana already have their roses, which leaves four women and three roses for tonight. Either Well-Oiled Tara Lindsey Lohan, Shiloh, Sarah S. or Jehan is going home. He says when he wakes up in the morning excited, it’s not because of the helicopters and jets, it’s because of them. For a minute there I thought we were getting another anatomy lesson. *wink, wink*
First rose goes to Jehan. I think she’s lovely, and we haven’t seen much of her, which makes me wonder why not? Is Fleiss keeping her hidden from us so he can surprise us with her later on? Second rose goes to Pickled Tara Lindsey Lohan. Gah, I can’t stand this crocked little child. Sarah S. looks like she’s going to either lash out or faint with the stress of not knowing if she’s staying or going. Dash must have thought she looked rather passionate because the last rose goes to her. Shiloh tells us she is sorry to go, and feels she has a lot to offer someone. She hopes Dash doesn’t end up with Moana because she feels she’s selfish. Dash says he and Shiloh didn’t really connect, and there wasn’t any intimacy between them. Then in a typical Fleiss/Bachelor coined phrase, he says, “my future wife could be in this group.” Yeah, riiight, Dash. They toast and all is well in the world.
That is until next week, when two secret women come into the chateau. Who could they be? Nanny Deb, Hillary Clinton, Dr. Joyce Brothers? Oh, and Moana continues ruthlessly trying to win Dash’s heart (how dare she?), and Jehan discloses a *gasp* secret. How would you describe Tara Lindsey Lohan? Contact me at email@example.com.
ETA: Hmmm, I knew this picture reminded me of other creatures of society.