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Thread: The Bachelor 01/16 Recap: Dash Travis And The Boozing Bimbos

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    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    The Bachelor 01/16 Recap: Dash Travis And The Boozing Bimbos

    Since first airing last week, a bachelorette’s egg-rotting tirade has been the subject of continuing water-cooler discussions. ABC realized they had a goldmine wrapped up in one petite, loony package better known as Dr. Allie, but apparently couldn’t find enough dirt on Bachelor Travis to force him to keep her around for our viewing pleasure. Therefore, they did the next best thing…they preempted two sitcoms this week to devote an extra hour from last week’s episode. Basically it was a lot of Dr. Allie’s outbursts ad nauseum. But that is so last week’s news…let’s move on to the new footage for this week.

    Getting To Know You

    Tonight’s show begins with the women bursting onto the property of the chateau for the first time. They run indoors squealing and screaming like only young women can do. They’re thrilled to see a carousel and an outdoor pool, although from what we’ve seen so far, it doesn’t look particularly like pool weather. However, don’t fear, men. I’m sure there will be an indoor hot tub somewhere along the Bachelor journey. Chris promises their dates will be spectacular, and explains they can look forward to two group dates, and one individual date. As he’s talking, I notice Travis already has some stiff (hey, keep it clean, everyone) competition. Two women (I think it’s Jennifer and Moana) are snuggling up on a bench together, and look rather intimate. I wonder if Travis notices, and if so, is he threatened or intrigued? Chris says each date will have a single rose that Travis can give to a lady to keep her ‘safe’ through the next rose ceremony. Since Kristen (who I think resembles Tara Reid) got the final rose last night, she gets the first individual date. But he warns, individual dates can be dangerous. If you get a rose from Travis, you’re safe, if not, you’re on the next flight home to the U.S. As for the details about the dates, they’ll get their instructions delivered in a date box.

    Everyone runs off to see the first date box, which includes maps, binoculars, a camera, and a miniature Eiffel Tower. I think it’s Jennifer who reads the enclosed card aloud, “can’t wait to explore Paris with all of you - Travis.” But when she reads the note, she actually says, “can’t wait to explore Paris with all of you, dash, Travis.” Yes, she actually says the words “dash Travis.” I guess she wasn’t called upon to read aloud in class very often, and doesn’t understand you don’t normally verbalize the punctuation. The women included on this date are Cole, Yvonne, Sarah S., Elizabeth, and Jehan. Dash Travis arrives to pick them up in a red double-decker party bus. Yvonne thinks it’s funky, and of course it includes a love pad, and the all-important red rose.

    As everyone settles in, Dash Travis asks what one activity in their life would they not want to live without. Jehan answers first, and picks yoga, and riding her bike on the beach. I guess she doesn’t quite understand the whole one-activity clarification. Yvonne does, though, and says shopping. Yikes, if Dash Travis picks Yvonne, I suggest he keep a tight grip on his credit cards…even when sleeping. Dash Travis says he would hate to live without camping and sleeping in a tent with his mountain bike and kayak. He asks Yvonne if she’s ever slept in a tent, and she says she has…a Gucci tent…but a tent nonetheless. I tried to see what a Gucci tent might look like or how much one would cost, but neither Google nor Yahoo would amuse me. Oh well, it’s probably a little more than I’d be willing to spend anyway. Cole can’t believe Yvonne would say shopping, and Sarah S. says she’s grown up camping and biking in Tennessee, and because they both live in Nashville, he’s perfect for her. She adds she’d love to crawl into a tent with him, but I’m thinking it might be a little crowded with that bike and kayak in there, too.

    Everyone is bundled up on the open top tier of the bus as they tour Paris. Alcohol is being downed as they tour, so I’m hoping any time now we’ll be witnessing some drunken hair-pulling fisticuffs…at least we can hope. Dash Travis gets a stranger to take their picture with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Am I the only one who’s been tempted to run off with someone’s camera when asked to do this, just to see what their reaction would be? I wouldn’t really steal it. I’d come back…I would, really.

    Dash Travis has some alone time with Cole, and they talk about how her mom encouraged her to come to Paris. That sounds sweet, but it could also mean her mom is simply desperate to get her married off. She says she’s ready for a committed relationship, and asks him what good is it if you don’t have someone special to share your success with at the end of the day? He says he’s glad she came, and Cole gives him a miniature rose. She tells us that any mother would be proud to have their daughter bring home a doctor. Silly me, I thought she was going to say any mother would be proud to have their daughter bring home Travis. I should have known better. The more these shows air, the more obvious it is, no one cares who the bachelor is, it’s simply about winning, or even in this case it's important to know he's a doctor.

    Stir Crazy

    Kristin is excited for her date tonight, but in the meantime she’s trying to keep the party going in the house by suggesting everyone roll toilet paper around themselves as a wedding dress. This girl has been to one too many bridal showers. Either that, or the fact that they’re locked up in the house is getting to them, and she’s just looking for some sort of entertainment. It’s probably the latter, because Moana is so bored she’s braiding Tara’s hair, and Sarah B. is chewing on her fingernails. *yawn* Jennifer tell us she thinks Kristen is so whacky she suspects she’s taking crazy pills. These women are definitely craving any kind of stimulation because when the doorbell rings, Susan looks shocked. The date box arrives for Kristen’s date, and Jennifer reads, “let’s cruise down the Seine together, Travis.” It’s obvious she’s been practicing reading aloud, because she doesn’t say, “comma, Travis.”

    Kristen claps her hands in excitement, and says she can’t wait to see the twinkling stars at night. Susan says going on a one-on-one date with Dash Travis, knowing that it’s either rose, or no rose, would scare the crap out of her, and she predicts Kristen won't be coming back to the chateau.

    Raindrops Are Falling On Their Mindless Heads

    As the tour continues to their next destination, the Arc de Triomphe, what began as a light mist, has turned into actual rain, and umbrellas are raised. There are tables and chairs set up on top of the Triomphe, and a rose is conspicuously sitting on the table. Yvonne can’t stand it. She asks about the rose, but Dash Travis says they still have some one-on-one time yet to go. He pulls Jehan aside, and with umbrellas, a furry blanket, and champagne in hand, they try to learn more about each other. He tells her the emergency room is what he was called upon to do in life and wonders what are her passions? She says she loves nature, church and health. Gee, she sounds so normal for a show like this, and I can’t help but wonder if she’s telling the truth, or simply saying what she thinks he wants to hear. He likes that she’s always happy, and he can picture them hanging out in a bar in Nashville having a beer. *sigh* I had such high hopes for this bachelor, but from the conversations he has with the women so far, he’s coming across as much of a simpleton as Jesse. I realize he’s a doctor, but he just seems so…what’s the word…boring. Is it just me? He’s in Paris, with a beautiful woman, and his dream is to sit in a Tennessee bar with her? I’m sure her parents love hearing that’s his big dream for their daughter. The other women sit around staring at the wet, wilted rose, but Dash Travis takes it to Jehan. She is excited to receive it, and as he pulls her close to kiss her, she presents her cheek. She tells him the evening has meant a lot to her, and she’ll never forget their moment in the rain. Later she tells us she hopes he proposes to her in the beautiful city of Paris, and that they’ll live happily ever after. Wait until she hears they’ll be spending a lot of time in a Tennessee bar...won’t she be thrilled.

    Romance àla Dr. Seuss


    Kristen says it’s strange to pack her bags before a date, (I guess she normally just brings her toothbrush, heheh), and says she’s excited about the date, but if things don’t go well, she could be going home tonight. She’s been desperately trying to write Travis a poem, but she seems to be struggling. Kristen asks Sarah S. if she writes poems, and Susan says no. Then Kristen proceeds to read part of her poem aloud, “down the Seine river…come hither.” Sarah confesses to us that writing poetry is how Kristen expresses herself. Would she ever do it? No. Would she want someone else to do it to her on a first date? No. Kristen is even talking about putting post-it notes on her back about needing a hug. Then she says, “please don’t think I’m crazy.” Well…it’s a little late for that now, honey.

    Dash Travis calls Kristen’s mother, to find out what is Kristen’s favorite food, and although they’re in France, her favorite food is Italian. He says he gave her a rose last time because she has such a bright personality, and he really wanted to find out if they have a connection. *groan* As they leave, the rest of the women talk about how cheesy Kristen’s poetry is, and if he likes that, he’s not for them. They also predict she’s going home. But wait. What in the hell is wrong with Yvonne? She’s wearing some funky eyeglasses that are so wickedly strange I can’t even describe them. I’m not ‘up’ on fashionable trends, so they might very well be quite fashionable, but they are the funniest looking spectacles I’ve ever seen. Or could it be they look particularly ridiculous when combined with her shorts, blue Uggs, and her pigtails. Does she not realize there’s a camera pointed at her? She looks absurd, especially since she’s criticizing Kristen. She obviously doesn’t know Rule #1 in critiquing others: you must look your best when making fun of someone else. You should see what I’m wearing right now…my new Valentino gown, Manolo Blahnik shoes and my best jewels. Well, okay, I’m in my pajamas and down slippers, but I almost had you fooled, right?

    Travis and Tara Reid Kristen toast to their first date, and Kristen reads her poem:

    Tonight is our first date,
    And being with you, I know it’ll be great.
    We’re going cruising down the Seine River together
    And after last night, I hope we have great weather.


    Thinking she’s done, he begins to thank her with a kiss, but much to his disappointment, she’s not done…

    So, let’s go have some fun
    And make sure to look up at the sky
    [which he does, hee]
    Because you never know which stars will make a twinkle in your eye.
    The end.
    Keep smiling, Kristen.


    He thanks her with a quick hug, and later she tells us she felt a connection *groan again* with him, and she compares him to that piece of candy you want to eat.

    Let’s Get This Party Started

    Back at the chateau, the ladies are drinking (surprise, surprise), and eating dinner. Remember when Travis asked what they couldn’t live without earlier? If they’d been honest, I think someone should have admitted to not being able to live without alcohol. As they sit around the table, Susan says her biggest turn-on is when a guy’s nipples get hard, and Tara freaks out at this bit of news. Tara says she loves baby oil, and Sarah B. confesses she loves having her hair pulled. Susan claps her hands and wholeheartedly says, “me too!” They are laughing and hooting and hollering, and by the looks of things, I think they’re having a much better time than Tara Reid Kristin and Dash Travis.

    Taradise Gets Cancelled (Again)

    Travis tells Kristen he took the liberty to call her mother about her favorite foods, and Kristen is really impressed. She sees the rose conspicuously laying on the table, and he tells her it will probably be around for most of the night, and it’s simply a reminder to him that there is a big decision to make at the end of the night. He asks her if they can just ignore it, and enjoy the rest of the night. She graciously agrees. As they’re eating dinner, she offers to show him a trick he can do for his new patients. She peels the skin off an orange, then proceeds to cut slits into the rind. She turns her head to the side, and slides the piece of rind in front of her top teeth, and smiles broadly. The rind does indeed look like yellowed, rotting teeth, and honestly it looks so real, it’s rather frightening. I can see this bringing on fits of laughter from folks around the age of 11, but on a “romantic” date on the River Seine…it goes over rather like a lead balloon. Dash Travis is stunned, and sits there staring at her with a dumb-struck look on his face, saying nothing. She finally asks if it’s cute, and he unconvincingly says he loves it. Then she asks, “did I just ruin the moment?” Yep, we’ll be saying goodbye to you, Tara Reid Kristen. Honestly, I think she’s cute in a klutzy, silly girl kind of way, but she’d probably be a better match for the show, Blind Date. While we’re at it, doesn’t Dash Travis seem rather stilted and boring? I knew it was too good to be true last week when he seemed like such a good catch. It’s kind of like Michael Jackson. Remember back to a time, long ago and far away, when we all just thought he was a talented entertainer? The more I see of Travis, the more one-dimensional he seems. Anyway, at the end of the date, he tells her she’s a sweet person, she wears her heart on her sleeve, but this is about following their hearts, and the romantic spark just isn’t there for him. She’s hurt, feels she came on too strong, and thinks she probably scared the poor guy. She just wanted to sparkle and be herself. Sure enough, back at the castle, a strange man picks up Kristen’s bags and takes them away. In one of the sweetest goodbye speeches ever, Kristen says she can’t change the way she is, the person she loves will love that about her, will cherish it, keep it, frame it and will never want to let it go. I can’t help but love goofy Tara Reid Kristen.

    Wine Whine

    Thank God we haven’t seen a lot of Sarah B., or as I fondly refer to her, Whiny Sarah, tonight, because her voice grates on me like no other. Remember last week when Travis gave her the rose, and she said, “yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy”? That irritated me beyond belief, and by now, I can’t stand listening to her drunken, drawn-out whiny voice. Gah, she’s annoying. But she’s there when the next date box arrives, and we’re informed the ladies invited to a champagne winery will be Jennifer, Moana, Shiloh, Tara, Susan and Whiny Sarah B.

    To The Bat Cave

    A new day dawns and Dash Travis is excited to be taking six beautiful women by helicopter to the champagne region of France. As the helicopter comes into view, the girls squeal, shriek and clap. Sarah B. and Susan flank Dash Travis in the helicopter, and when they land, everyone enters the Caves Pommery. Tara, in a drunken slur, says she knew they were coming to Champagne, France, and therefore she knew it would be a champagnery. Champagnery? Is that a word? Spellcheck sure doesn’t approve, and I hate her for making me type that. Everyone descends a long, stone staircase into the bowels of the champagne storage mausoleum, and Jennifer tells us she’s had enough champagne to know that champagne is chilled, but she had no idea it was stored in a cave. However, she’s a big fan of anyplace that has open champagne. They all toast, and Dash Travis takes Shiloh off alone, saying he wants to talk with her first, because he hasn’t had much time with her. While they’re gone, the other girls wonder aloud if anyone would not accept an offered rose. They all declare they’d accept, except Moana who hesitates, and says it just depends. She adds that she doesn’t “do the dating thing when guys are dating other girls,” and says she’s not comfortable dating a man who is dating lots of other women. What? What about this show did she not understand? That’s exactly The Bachelor’s premise. Susan says a lot of the girls don’t trust Moana, because she has no interest in talking to Travis, and she’s very guarded. However, she adds that she thinks Travis is very intrigued by Moana’s attitude, and I think she’s right. Sarah B. says she’s enjoying the date, but she wants to get private time with him, so when she gets the chance, she tears him away. He sits down first, and as she sits, she throws her legs over his.

    While he and Sarah B. are “talking,” Shiloh gives the other girls a demonstration on how to get a rose. She does a pole dance, only without the pole. They definitely look like they’re getting blasted…plastered…well-oiled…sloshed. Yikes, they are going to hurt tomorrow, because nothing is worse than a champagne hangover. Of course, I wouldn’t know from personal experience, but I’ve been told. Yeah, that’s it. Whiny Sarah tries to talk about the first time she met Travis, but she ends up dissolving into a drunken sentence of, “whinnnnnnnneeeeeee, wow, giggle, wow, giggle, whiiiiiinnnneeee.” Travis apparently understand her gibberish, though, and says he’s very excited she’s with him. He really wants to kiss her, and she’s actually pantomiming him to kiss her, but later he tells us he didn’t want to kiss her with the other girls on the same date. Later she tells us, “me and Travis (gah) had an amazing conversation for the second time,” (that was a conversation?). My brain cells are dying here, people. She wants to get a rose, and will be bewildered if she doesn’t get one.

    It’s Tara’s turn to steal him away, and as she does, she tells him she’s not typically that bold. He says she’s awesome, and they hug. She says she doesn’t want to share him and that one statement made him realize these are “real people with real feelings.” (Help me, please). They return to the group, and he gives the rose to Tara, proving all you have to do to get his attention, is steal him away from the group, coyly bat your eyes, and giggle. Whiny Sarah is shocked and says her legs will be shaking at the rose ceremony tomorrow. Maybe Travis can prescribe something for her (if you know what I mean, heheh).

    Peek-A-Boobs

    There’s a cocktail party (as if they haven’t had enough to drink) before the ceremony, and we finally get to see Travis have a 2.4 second chat with Elizabeth. As a matter of fact, we’ve seen so little of her, I had to make sure I had the right name. From there, he talks with Moana, and she tells him she’s not going to say, “pick me, pick me,” because that’s not her. Cole tells him she had a really good time with him the other night, and she finds him charming. He responds by telling her she’s one of the sweetest women he’s ever met. Next up is Sarah H., and he tells her he had a blast hanging out with her, and she says every relationship she’s ever had, she’s been friends with them first. Later she’s worried she gave him the impression she has to be friends for a long time, and hope a spark comes along, and she’s worried she won’t get a rose.

    It’s Susan’s birthday, and Travis asks her to join him alone in his bedroom. Finally, things might get interesting, and I perk up. Oh, he’s got a small birthday cake for her. *sigh* They’re enjoying their time (not that kind of enjoying, though), and she says this is the best birthday ever. She makes a wish, blows out her candles, and tells him when he looked at her at the first ceremony, it was like lightning struck. She says every time he looks at her, the world melts away, and she thinks a lot could happen here. As he leans in to kiss her, Jehan and Tara peek into the room, then come bursting in. He doesn’t look pleased, and tells them since they already have roses, they should allow him more time with the other women. Tara, who the more she drinks, the more she reminds me of Lindsey Lohan, says he sent them off with cake, and she’s jealous. As soon as he rejoins the group, Sarah B. then takes him away, and he tells her last night under any other circumstances he would have kissed her. She drunkenly asks if he wants to kiss her, he says he does, and she drunkenly says she wants to kiss him, too. Good grief, are we in middle school here? Oh I forgot, it hasn’t been that long since Whiny Sarah was in middle school. He assures her he hasn’t kissed anyone, but he thinks she’s adorable when she doesn’t hold back. I think I’m going to be sick.

    The Finale (thank God)

    Chris reminds the women they’re outta there if they don’t get a rose, and since Lindsey Lohan Tara and Jehan already have roses, they sit back, relax and watch the dramatics. Travis says tonight is a lot more difficult, because he knows them so well now. First rose goes to Moana, and Susan is stunned. When he asks Moana if she’ll accept the rose, she hesitates, sighs, and says, “I don’t know.” Much time passes until she finally laughs and says she’s kidding. *roll eyes* Second rose is given to Sarah S. followed by Jennifer, who runs to him and curtsies. Next up is Sarah B., and she drunkenly, insipidly, accepts. The fifth rose goes to Shiloh. Yvonne shakes her head, and Susan takes a deep breath. The final rose goes to Susan, and she looks like she’s going to faint. She says she’d accept in a heartbeat. As the eliminated women say their goodbyes, Cole says she doesn’t think everyone in the house has the right intentions. Imagine that.

    Next week, we can look forward to more squealing, as well as water skis and bathing suits. Oh, and Sarah H. calls Moana a bitch. Yeah, good times. How many brain cells did you lose reading this nonsense? Contact me at roseskid@fansofrealitytv.com.
    Last edited by roseskid; 01-20-2006 at 12:02 PM.
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  2. #2
    The Mad Artist RandalR's Avatar
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    Our Best Recapper Ever! Nice one, roseskid! I'll be laughing about "Dash Travis" for a while - I completely missed that. It surprises me how everyone is all over Sarah B for seeming too young, when Jennifer and Tara act even younger and sillier in the footage we've been shown.

  3. #3
    Premium Member Pansygirl's Avatar
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    Great job roseskid
    You do a great job of describing all the "girls" to a T.

    Much much more entertaining than the actual show.
    Smile it makes people wonder what you are up to.

  4. #4
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Great recap, roses!
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  5. #5
    FORT Phanatic PHan's Avatar
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    Wonderful recap. I admit (gulp) I dozed off during the tour of Paris. I can't imagine how with all that exciting and stimulating conversation going on. Thanks for filling me in and keeping me laughing.

  6. #6
    FORT Newbie quatrecat's Avatar
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    "Dash Travis" - I love it!!! (Reminds me of the late comedian/pianist Victor Borge, who would read from books or magazines during his performances, including gestures and sounds for all the punctuation.)

    I, too, cringed at the "Travis and me" bit from Sarah B - you'd think that might grate on the ear of a cum laude college grad if he had to hear it day in and day out.

  7. #7
    His Peace after the Storm cafegirl's Avatar
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    Rosekid, excellent recap...
    my absolute favorite, line had me laughing outloud as I answered the phone with a customer
    But when she reads the note, she actually says, “can’t wait to explore Paris with all of you, dash, Travis.” Yes, she actually says the words “dash Travis.” I guess she wasn’t called upon to read aloud in class very often, and doesn’t understand you don’t normally verbalize the punctuation.
    too funny... I'll always think of him as Dash-Travis now!!
    Am I the only one who’s been tempted to run off with someone’s camera when asked to do this, just to see what their reaction would be? I wouldn’t really steal it. I’d come back…I would, really.
    And you're not the only one who thought that, but I'd never do it either!! But it would be funny.. .to say, "gottcha!!"
    I loved the entire thing.. great job!!
    "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!"

  8. #8
    When I'm 64 William13's Avatar
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    Watching the Bachelor, rather reminded of when surgeons used to operate without anesthetic. The surgeons would give the patient a shot of alcohol and give them something to bite down on. That's more or less how I watched the Bachelor. Except that the surgeons practised to make the surgery as quick as possible and ABC has found ways of prolonging the agony. So why did I watch. The answer is one word: recaps. I am hooked on recaps. Especially funny recaps. This week's recap was even better than last week's. I thought that I felt brain cells dying while watching the show, but apparently they had just lapsed into a coma, because you resuscitated them with your wit.
    I hope that your promise of a hot tub is coming up soon because that is the only thing these women have to offer. Travis just got rid of the only one with any personality.
    Thanks again for all the laughs.

  9. #9
    Cy Young 2010 Mariner's Avatar
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    Awesome job roses! I do have an embarassing confession. I've been an attorney since before attorneys commonly had their own computers so I learned to dictate letters and other documents including saying the punctuation. I've actually had to stop myself from saying "paragraph" out loud in the past so I almost choked when she said, "dash, Travis."

  10. #10
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roseskid View Post
    Am I the only one who’s been tempted to run off with someone’s camera when asked to do this, just to see what their reaction would be? I wouldn’t really steal it. I’d come back…I would, really.

    It’s obvious she’s been practicing reading aloud, because she doesn’t say, “comma, Travis.”
    No, you aren't the only one tempted. Never had the guts run off, though.

    at Dash Travis. Methinks the Bachelor has a new nickname.

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