I have a confession to make. I love The Bachelor. The first show I ever saw was Bachelor #1, Alex, during his overnight visits with Amanda and Trista. From that moment on, I was hooked. I adored Aaron until he *sob* broke Helene’s heart. I thought peeeenk Trista was okay until she *sob* broke my heart by choosing Ryan over Charlie (although I have to admit Ryan was probably a better match for her, imagine that). I thought Andrew was ‘eh,’ fat Blob was funny, skinny Blob was annoying. Meredith was rather one-dimensional, and there’s no doubt Jesse was a moron. Byron gave me new hope for the show, but ABC dashed those hopes when they brought Jen back, and she began mugging at the camera behind the back of whomever she was hugging at the moment. Now we’ve got a brand new kind of bachelor…he’s a doctor. And according to the promos ABC has been doling out, a Bachelor Doctor is just what we’ve been clamoring for. Also, I suppose ABC can kill two birds with one doctor stone, because when the claws come out (and you know they will), he’ll be able to dress the wounds and offer comfort in ways we can only imagine. Or, if someone faints, he’ll know exactly what to do. So pour yourself a glass of obligatory French champagne, and let’s get ready for the celébration, trés bien!
Tonight’s kickoff begins with shots of Alex and Amanda, Aaron and Helene, followed by a blur of all the other ABC failed romances. Honestly, who in the hell thought it was a good idea to remind us there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell this might even work? If it weren’t for Trista and Ryan, and potentially Byron and Mary, none of their matches would be successful. These are not good odds. I wouldn’t even use a dry cleaner with such bad results. But, we’ve got a doctor as our bachelor, and we’re in Paris, so who the hell cares? Aucun problème. Bring on the limos, the champagne, the hot tubs, the boobs, and the roses. But most of all, bring on the tears, the catfights, and the crestfallen psychopathic tirades. Get ready to count how many times we hear the words, journey, amazing, and connection. Woo hoo!
Is There A Doctor In The Chateau?
Chris Harrison tells us they’ve found the best bachelor yet, and I’m trying to envision the faces of the previous bachelors, as they digest this information. Well, those other than Jesse, that is. I’m sure the slight went right over his thick head. We’re finally introduced to the Man of the Hour…The Big Guy…Mr. Big (or should we say, Dr. Big). No, no, sit down Chris, we’re not talking about you, we’re talking about Dr. Travis Stork. This season we’ll be treated (heheh) to watching the tall, 33-year-old emergency physician, as he gallivants around France with his bevy of buxom blondes and brunettes, and I must say, he is one handsome man. We learn he graduated magna cum laude from Duke University, and is currently practicing medicine in Nashville, Tennessee. He’s saved hundreds of lives, and he tells us being a doctor is what he was meant to do, and he loves it. He lays out his prescription for a life of happiness: you have to have friends and family that you care about, a job you love, and most importantly you have to have someone in your life you love spending every day with. Well, yes, that certainly would help. I’ve been married 23 years, and I think it would be a tough life if every time I looked at my husband I thought, “blecchh.” Dr. T. says for the past eight years of his life, he’s been concentrating on medicine, but now he’s ready to meet the right person, so without further ado, let’s bring on the women, and hope there’s at least one sane woman in the bunch (I’ve always been one to dream big).
Here come the limos, and the alcohol is already flowing, as the women hold champagne glasses, and the Eiffel Tower comes into view. The women ooh and aah, and one idiot utters our first classic line of the season, “oh my God, it’s much better than the one in Vegas.”
The ladies are on their way, but it’s Travis who arrives first, and he and Chris exchange pleasantries. I’ve read Travis is 6’4”, and he towers over Chris making him look more like Mini Me than our illustrious host. Travis thinks it’s going to be a big challenge to try to decide who gets the roses, but I think he’s ready to take one for the surgical team.
“Here We Come Mr. Bachelor!”
The limos arrive, and the ladies are introduced to Travis in the order listed. I’ve included some vital information, including what traits they would like their Ideal Mate to possess (said before they met Dr. T., of course), with my thoughts in italics. As Chris says, “Que l’aventure commence,” let the journey begin.
Susan, 24, Financial Associate, Overland Park, KS
Ideal Mate: Huge heart (I’m assuming she means a generous spirit, not physically challenged)
She’s a beautiful girl, in a beautiful pink gown, and she seductively says, “it’s huge,” to which he says, “yes it is.” Wow, they’re getting right down to business. Oh, wait, I think they’re talking about the chateau. She gives him a peck on the cheek, and I predict she’s a keeper.
Cortney, 28, Law Clerk, Los Angeles, CA
Ideal Mate: Strong personality (I try to avoid most men with strong personalities)
As she gets out of the limo she quips, “hello, Prince Charming,” and I notice the limo driver is trying hard not to roll his yes. Travis tells her he had a full moon shipped in just for them. I can’t stand the way she spells her name, but she seems harmless enough, and she’s wearing the first black dress of the evening, so there’s always that.
Kyle, 25, Senior Copy Writer, Newport Beach, CA
Ideal Mate: Someone who can put up with my hysterical antics (in other words, be ready for mooning other cars, and various other sorority hijinks)
Kyle is wearing a plain, ill-fitting dark blue satin dress, and her hair is in a half up, half down weird mess. There’s a little banter between them, and she promises to make him like country music, as she pokes him twice in the chest. I hate when people do that, and I predict she’s a goner (please let her be a goner).
April, 29, Corporate Real Estate, Dallas, TX
Ideal Mate: Taller than me (well, she obviously isn’t expecting much, unless she’s 6’9”)
April loses her shoe getting out of the car, but she laughs it off, and Travis seems amused. She’s wearing a black dress with one of those ugly handkerchief hems, but she seems sweet and bubbly. Dr. T. is also taller than her, so I’m guessing she’ll soon be practicing writing April Stork with a little pink heart in place of the “i” in April.
Jehan, 29, Vitamin Sales Rep, Chicago, IL
Ideal Mate: Can work a room (Blob could work a room…)
Jehan is wearing a gorgeous yellow gown, and asks if he’s Prince Charming. Since she’s the second lady to mention this, it leaves little doubt the ladies were watching Cinderella in the limo. He asks her to repeat her name, and as she walks up the stairs she seems to be listing to one side. Just think, if she falls down the stairs, Dr. T. can race into action, shouting commands like, “STAT!”
Kristen, 25, Marketing Director, Bonita Springs, FL
Ideal Mate: Straight white teeth (I seem to recall Urkel had straight, white teeth, right?)
She says she’s a hugger, and that she’s happy to be there. As she walks upstairs she says, “au revoir,” and blows him a kiss. My first impression is that she could be Tara Reid’s busty sister…think ditzy blonde and big boobs…but it appears she (and her considerable assets) have made a good impression on the doctor.
Jennifer, 25, Model, Boston, MA
Ideal Mate: Sweet and funny (yawn)
This girl is definitely a keeper. She comes across as sophisticated, and polished and is wearing a stunning blue gown.
Tara, 23, Retail Sales, San Diego
Ideal Mate: Nice lips (would that include or exclude Mick Jagger?)
Something is wrong with this woman’s copper dress. Either it’s too big, or she’s simply nervous, because during their chit-chit, she’s continually pulling and tugging at the bodice. She points out she’s been in Paris before, but says she wasn’t with anyone special. I’m not sure if she’s telling us her family or friends aren’t special, or if she was here with a man who wasn’t very special. If our luck holds out, we’ll never find out.
Venus, 33, Physician, Huntington Beach, CA
Ideal Mate: Relaxed (most relaxed men I’ve known were unemployed)
Perhaps it’s the fact that she’s older, or her profession, but she seems very self-assured, yet approachable. She’s wearing a striking red dress, slit up to *here.*
Moana, 26, Distribution Manager, Los Angeles, CA
Ideal Mate: Traits of Gregory Peck, Luke Wilson, Tom Cruise, Robert Redford, John Cusack (it’s probably not a big leap to say her hobby is watching movies)
Moana is wearing an elegant brown gown, as well as two massive, shiny gold leaf-like earrings. As she heads upstairs, she says, “it’s going to be one helluva ride.”
Cole, 26, Sales Executive, Walnut Creek, CA
Ideal Mate: A gentleman (I approve)
She steps out wearing a pink dress plunging to *here,* and she and her boobs have definitely caught the doctor’s attention.
Sara H., 24, Marketing Manager, Minneapolis, MN
Ideal Mate: (her bio didn’t include this query, so let’s pretend she wants a man who enjoys long walks along the beach)
This poor dear, wearing our second red dress, is either nervous and/or drunk, because she is overly self-conscious, and trips over her words (but thankfully not her feet).
Lisa, 24, IT Recruiter, Overland Park, KS
Ideal Mate: Physically active (yes, that’s always a good quality)
Lisa is wearing the third red dress of the evening, although hers is especially pretty with a gold chain accenting her waist. She appears very sweet and self-assured, but Dr. T. hardly gives her a second glance as she heads upstairs, so I don’t think she caused a blip on his heart monitor.
Princess, 26, Substitute Teacher, Los Angeles, CA
Ideal Mate: Attentive (run men…this one screams, “what about meeeeeee?”)
She is wearing the first multi-colored dress which is a sophisticated black dress with a pink and white stripe down the center. She is gorgeous.
Liza, 23, Trade Clerk, Chicago, IL
Ideal Mate: Semi-sarcastic (this is my favorite quote so far)
One more red dress with one more plunging neckline. She has a sturdy walk to her, and I don’t see much of a…say it with me now…connection between them.
Sarah S., 26, Kindergarten Teacher, Nashville, TN
Ideal Mate: Can talk to all types of people (I’m running out of quips…I’ve got nothin’ )
She emerges from the limo in our first knee-length dress, in a beautiful bronze color. They discover they’re both from Nashville, and a bond is formed.
Kathy, 25, Graduate Student, Stockton, CA
Ideal Mate: Does not give up (that quality could be attributed to stalkers, too)
She is also wearing a shorter dress, and she immediately tells him she’s been waiting a while. I guess those limos are beginning to stack up somewhere off camera. Nothing more is said between them, and I think Kathy should just think about going home right now unless some magic develops later.
Jaime, 29, Physician Recruiter, Big Rock, VA
Ideal Mate: Strong-willed (could be seen as argumentative)
Jaime comes running over to Dr. T. in a cheesy gold lamé dress reminiscent of a beauty pageant. The good doctor immediately notices her twang (how could you not), and she tells him she’s from Virginia. This gal totally rubs me the wrong way for some reason, and I hope she doesn’t stick around.
Elizabeth, 24, Social Worker, Windham, NH
Ideal Mate: Likes to dance (notice she omits the all-important descriptive word “well”)
Dr. T. asks what she and her fellow limo-mates were giggling about, and she responds with another giggle. She’s wearing a sedate black dress and seems rather star-struck.
Yvonne, 28, CFO Marketing Firm, Miami, FL
Ideal Mate: Lets me be the center of attention (she and Princess might be fun to watch interact)
Wearing a knee-length ruffly brown dress, Yvonne immediately sizes up our bachelor by saying, “beautiful eyes, beautiful tie, all well-coordinated…love it.” She apparently gives her stamp of approval to the wardrobe stylist.
Shiloh, 29, Advertising Manager, Phoenix, AZ
Ideal Mate: Great style (ho hum)
Shiloh is wearing an elegant yellow dress, and she and Travis do the European kiss, kiss, then he watches as she ascends the stairs.
Ali D., NBA Dancer, Seattle, WA
Ideal Mate: Borderline arrogant (yikes!)
Ali #1 is wearing a knee-length blue dress, and is in desperate need of deciding if she wants her hair to be brunette or ash blonde. I’m predicting drama with this one, and hoping there’s no need for denoting Ali #1 or #2 after tonight. Travis tells her he stayed in a hostel (pronounced hostile) the previous time he was in France. This trip could end up being described as hostile, too, Travis.
Stephanie, 25, Public Relations Director, Walnut Creek, CA
Ideal Mate: Can talk up a storm (does that make her painfully shy?)
In yet one more gold lamé dress, although this one is knee-length, Stephanie asks if she can give him a hug, and she confesses she’s very nervous.
Allie G., 33, Doctor, Oncologist, Delray Beach, FL
Ideal Mate: Good butt (in retrospect I think she’s enough of a butt on her own)
This one’s a petite gal, practically half his height, wearing the ugliest dress of the night. She speaks in French forever to him, but lucky for us, my daughter studied French and she loosely translates the gibberish as, “I’m not the only Allie here.” Hopefully after tonight they’ll both be gone.
Sarah B., 23, Student, Winnipeg, Canada (Fleiss, you’re killing us here…three Sarah’s?)
Ideal Mate: Good teeth (again with the teeth…I remind everyone, Gomer Pyle had good teeth)
Although Canadian, she comes across very Valley-Girlish. She’s adorable, though, and is wearing a stretchy orange full-length gown, and Dr. T. looks très intrigué.
And there you have it. Travis is anxious to begin
making out with the womenhis journey, but Chris informs him, there’s a new twist to tonight’s show. Ooh, a twist! There is one rose to be given before the Rose Ceremony, that he should give to the woman he definitely wants to stay.
On With Ze Show
The ladies are milling around, nervously laughing, sipping/downing champagne, and when Travis enters the room, the conversation stops. A waiter rushes in with champagne for The Big Guy, and he gives a smooth toast that sure beats the hell out of Jesse’s stilted oafish attempts. Jennifer is ready to make hot little babies with him, and Sarah S. thinks he’s amazing. Dr. Travis considers himself lucky to be there, and he’s doing a great job remembering names. I’ve always thought they should have the women wear those Hello My Name Is stickers on their chests. That way Travis could refresh his memory, or he could size up their assets while pretending to be checking their name. See? It’s a win-win situation for our doctor. April asks the all-important question about what he does for a living, and Travis cautiously admits he’s a doctor. You can almost hear the shrill *CHA CHING,* and see the dollar signs blink in the women’s eyes. Dr. Allie considers herself a shoo-in because she’s also a doctor, and wins tonight’s trophy for TMI, when she further confesses that, “quite frankly my eggs are rotting.” Tara seems tipsy already, and Sarah B., like Sarah S., thinks he’s amazing. When Jehan finds out he’s a doctor, she says he’s definitely her type.
Travis considers himself very lucky to be living in a castle in Paris, while being surrounded by 25 beautiful women, and he highly recommends it for all men. When asked why he’s still single, he says it all comes down to timing, and now the time is right to begin looking to settle down. An unidentified blonde (Ali D.?) tells him she needs a manly man…one who can chop wood. Because, you know, it stinks not having a man to do that on a daily basis. Kristen gives him a shot glass from her home town (see? I thought she resembled Tara Reid), and the cameraman lingers for a few seconds on her boobs hanging out of her dress. Moana, and her humongous gold leaf earrings begins shivering, and Travis puts his coat over her shoulders. He tells her he’s glad she came to Paris.
The special rose is brought into the room, and the competition is on. Tara Reid’s sister kisses the rose, and some other women begin making claims to it. Travis is a keen observer as he catches the tense expressions on their faces, as they stare at The Rose. While discussing her life plans, Dr. Allie tells him she’s ready to move on to “the next phase, the reproductive phase…,” and as horror spreads across his face, Yvonne lightens the mood by saying she’s not. Jaime then gets some time with him, and as far as I’m concerned, she was probably better off being left mysterious. She reminds me of Elly May Clampett after having dipped into Granny’s moonshine. Susan caught his eye, and he is love struck. He tells us she’s just as beautiful close up as she was coming out of the limo. Sarah S. is concerned about Susan, but it’s Sarah B. who gets the first rose. When she finds out there are 11 more roses, she says, “oh sh*t,” and they both laugh. He thinks she’s cute and excited, but mainly she looks cold to me. Erma Bombeck once said “single women don’t get cold,” after noticing at an outdoor party that all the married women were covered up, and all the single women were wearing next to nothing. It’s true…all the women are sitting in the chilly outdoors scantily clad, but they tough it out.
Bon Vo-yag-eee (<---- said in my best Bugs Bunny voice, from the wonderful cartoon, French Rarebit)
Chris tinks on his glass, and the heavy music begins playing, which let’s us know we should be sitting on the edge of our seats to find out who gets cut.
There are eleven roses left, and for the first time in Bachelor history, half the women will be on a plane back to the U.S. tonight. Awww. We’ve got the obligatory candles, roses, and insipid smiles plastered on the women’s faces. Cole gets the first rose, followed by Moana with the big leaves hanging off her ears. Jennifer practically runs to him, then curtsies, and Elizabeth says “yay.” Redhead Tara looks sick, and Jaime has her hands on her hips, looking rather menacing. Shiloh is the next rose receiver, and Yvonne (my favorite so far) whispers, “I guess you do like brunettes,” when receiving her rose. Redhead Tara’s skin is taking on a greenish-yellow hue, and Dr. Allie’s face is looking a little pinched. Jehan accepts the next rose. As Susan (another one of my favorites) accepts her rose, Redhead Tara is definitely green now, but as she receives her rose, her color instantly improves. You can tell Dr. Allie’s blood pressure is rising, and I think I see a little steam coming out her ears. Sarah S. (another Roseskid favorite) gets a rose, and Dr. Allie wipes beads of sweat from her brow. Chris tells us it’s the final rose (we got it, Chris), and it goes to…Tara Reid’s sister. Kristen, and her boobs, happily accept. The rose-less ladies look horrible, and as everyone else hugs goodbye, Dr. Allie stands there with her Fury Cloud hanging overhead. She rants to the camera, “I can’t believe that he chose some of those women over me. I directed my life towards my career, and he doesn’t choose that. Just like every other man that I know. It’s a double-edged sword, a double-edged sword.” Outside, now venting to the other women who were rejected, “the only reason that I came on the show was because conventional methods aren’t working…internet dating, blind dating, dating services…I’ve tried all of that…nothing. I told him that I was ready to, like, get my reproductive life going, because the only one reason to be married is to have kids.” Ali D. tells her that’s just her opinion, and she says, “No, he’s in his thirties, he should be willing and ready to proceed with that part of his life. I just think that men are full of sh*t. Really, what are they waiting for?” There’s literally steam coming out of her mouth…oh, it’s frost from the cold air. As a matter of fact, it’s so cold,, the other women are bundled up in blankets. But not Dr. Allie. She’s so furious, I don’t think she even notices the chill. Hoo, boy, Travis is a lucky man, indeed, to have cut her tonight, but quite frankly, I’m surprised Fleiss didn’t insist on keeping her around. She’s pure Bachelor viewing gold. I do hope the show was able to expedite the restraining order he’s going to need, though, because she’s a lunatic. Can you imagine her as your doctor and witnessing this tirade? Yikes. She’s not done, though, and she hunts Travis down and wants to know if he didn’t choose her because he didn’t find her attractive, is she too short, or are her boobs too small? I think he should just inject her with a sedative, and be done with it. But with delicate aplomb, he tells her the comment she made about the “reproductive stage” is not what he’s looking for. She thinks he’s playing around because he doesn’t want reproduction, and finally with a hand gesture (although, not that hand gesture) he dismisses her. She leaves swearing like a seasoned sailor. She says that maybe she just won’t date anymore (I don’t think that’s going to be a problem after the men in the world have just witnessed her in action). She then threatens to join a convent, and I’m thinking the Catholic church isn’t even ready for this one. For the sake of the rest of us, I seriously hope this woman NEVER reproduces. *shudder*
Fleiss gives us snippets of future episodes promising romance, wine, hot tubs, squeals of delight, laughter, love and tears. Travis lets us know he may have gone to medical school, but there isn’t a textbook to tell you how to date multiple women in a foreign country. Yes, but I’m sure if anyone’s up to the challenge, it’s you Travis…you’re a doctor!
One More Thing Before I Go
As the show ends, Dr. Allie is still ranting to some strange man she’s plucked off the street. Oh, okay, he’s probably on the production team, but it’s still hilarious…for us. It’s got to be humiliating for her. Oh well, c’est la vie. If your eggs are rotting, let’s dish at firstname.lastname@example.org.