The Bachelor Finale (5/16): 50 Ways to Bore Your Audience and Leave One Lover
We sat through three whole hours of The Bachelor Finale and waited an entire week and THIS is what we get for a recap? Unbelievable, but it’s true. If Charlie the Bachelor can “change all the rules” and keep dating the final two women after filming of the show ended, then we FORT recappers can change all the rules too. For the finale, your recappers are Mariner and LG: two successful professional single women who wouldn’t be caught dead trying to snag a man on The Bachelor (though internet dating is not necessarily out of the question for at least one of us). Mariner decided to break the rule about posting a timely recap, and LG. sagely pointed out that a detailed recap of this show could cause drowsiness. We previously couldn’t turn away from this car wreck; although the three hour finale may have cured us of that affliction. Quick, let's hand out some of the signature treat of Bachelor fans, a big old box of Hostess Ho-Hos, and Let's Get Ready to Recap!
You want a chronological recap of the events of the three hour show? We’d be happy to oblige if there were any actual “events” to chronicle. Instead we’re jumping back and forth between the live final rose ceremony / two nervous young ladies locked up all alone in ugly green rooms / clips of their last two dates / and more filler than in generic dog food. Rather than try to document every moment of angst, we’re going to bring you the highlights and the considerable lowlights. Set to music (and some familiar cliches), to prevent monotony. * Hint to the producers for planning next season's horrid finale, music would help. And dancing girls. There are dance squads for professional lacrosse leagues, like LG's personal favorite, the Minnesota Swarm Performance Team, so why not this show? *
Some People Call Me A Space Cowboy, Some Call Me A Gangster of Love.
And some people call him Chucko, though I hadn’t heard anyone call him Maurice. We watched with a sense of déjà vu when Charlie announced that instead of a final rose ceremony, he needs “time” and “space” to make this important decision. Having been the recent recipient of a “time and space” declaration, LG got cold chills as she thought about how a beau had similarly entered the realm of the “time-space continuum.” Let's quickly turn off the Sci-Fi channel, as space-man time-travelers sometimes need a good kick in the head to restart their circadian rhythms. Or maybe those electro-shock paddles they always use on ER. Even if it doesn't work, sometimes it seems like it would be rather satisfying to apply a body-shaking shock to a time-space challenged beau.
Torn Between Two Lovers, Feeling Like a Ho
As expected, we're treated to multiple reiterations of Charlie's proclamations that he really likes both girls, even though they are very different. Sarah is a tart strawberry while Krisily is a decadent chocolate, and why oh why can't Charlie just spend eternity as the plain old vanilla in the middle of this Neapolitan ice cream love fest? Because eventually Sarah will go bezerk and kill Krisily and possibly Charlie? Oh yeah. Pass the Hostess Ho-Hos, some comfort food will help ease the boredom of this three hour finale.
Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Near the end of the program, when our dear Chucko is actually going to have to let the good times stop abruptly for one of his young lovelies, he mentions to Chris that he told the producers “from the start” that he didn’t want to break up with one of them on live tv in front of her family. Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. The SHOW had this planned all along, for Charlie to date the final two up until a live finale. It wasn’t Good-Time Charlie’s special “no rules” rule that allowed him the discretion to decide at the last minute that he needed more time and space to decide? This was really set up all along. Good thing is was a live show, as the make-up artists would have had a tough task of covering up the nasty bruise rising on Charlie’s head after Chris clocked him with a microphone had he said that during a taping of the final rose ceremony.
They Call Her Cleopatra: The Queen of Denial
Back in the ugly green waiting rooms, Chris grills the ladies about how they feel waiting to find out whether they are indeed the lucky chosen girlfriend for Charlie with only a camera crew to keep them company. When asked how Sarah dealt with knowing that her boyfriend Charlie was simultaneously dating her friend Krisily, Sarah answered simply: “I don’t think about it. I think about my relationship with Charlie and that’s all I think about.” Wow, I hope that the ladies waiting for a special delivery in Sarah’s maternity ward don’t fall into that void in her subconscious where real people cease to exist. You can keep pushing that nurse call button all you want; there'll be no reply at all.
My Nana Told Me, You’d Better Sleep Around
We were treated to much more of Krisily’s Nana who has to have delighted the producers of The Bachelor with all the one liners and winks she offered on Charlie’s visit to Krisily’s hometown, during Krisily’s return home to announce Charlie’s indecision and from the audience during the finale. Don’t be surprised if the next version of the Bachelorette features Nana booty dancing with several nursing home residents or if that finale is decided by which one of the two finalists doesn’t die of a heart attack when Nana decides to follow her own advice.
Dive On In
Way back in the very first episode, Charlie took five of the women to a dive bar explaining that he was looking for a girl who liked to hang out in dives. Sure as shooting, Krisily got the opportunity to go to his favorite bar in Mountauk, the cleverly-named Montauket. There she got to meet three of his buddies Steve, Frank, and Jack. The buddies seemed to appreciate Krisily’s comfort with sipping beer out of a plastic cup and offered Charlie their approval. Thankfully, we were spared any shots of her sprawled across a bar allowing them to lick her stomach, although we’re speculating that would have also met with the approval of this trio of friends.
Grace Under Pressure
When Charlie went to break the bad news to Krisily in her ugly green room, she proved to be surprisingly gracious and much more classy than the body shot scene would have prepared anyone watching for. Unfortunately, Charlie didn’t seem to understand that when you are breaking up with someone in front of a television camera it’s better to make it as short and painless as possible. You know, rip that band-aid off with one motion, rather than ripping out each little hair individually while you tug it off leisurely. Not that Mariner is advocating the ‘now that I've spent thirty minutes yammering on about my sucky day and you've been sympathetic, tell me about your bad day and uh sorry to make it worse by breaking up with you’ on the phone method she once experienced. But really, there is no need to drag it out. LG actually has a book on “how to dump a guy” (available at Amazon: here ) which offers, but does not advocate, breaking up with someone via fax. That would be preferable to this prolonged torture, unless of course you share a fax machine with the CEO of your company. Imagine if you knew there were people in America who had a videotape of you crying because Chuckles was dumping you. Even worse, imagine the same videotape contains repeated scenes where you declared your love for Charlie and said you’d definitely accept if he proposed to you. Inquiring minds do, however, want to know where that picture of the two of them scuba diving in Aruba he gave her is now. Six feet under perhaps? LG thinks perhaps it sleeps with the fishes like Luca Brazzi.
Meet the Mismatched Folks
Both Krisily and Sarah B. got to meet Charlie’s parents. It turns out that Charlie’s dad is 5’8” and British and his mother is 6’0” and from Jersey City. Mom has her own collection of Wilma Flintstone necklaces complete with teeth and bones. Charlie has to warn dad not to try to cop a feel. Neither woman ran and in fact both seemed to have a good time. I’m guessing we missed a little something in the editing, or they served more booze than we’d noticed, as that can make almost anyone’s parents palatable for an evening. Hope Charlie’s parents have a sense of humor. Charlie’s dad did make the best observation of the whole show telling him that both women seemed much more mature than Charlie. It takes a big parent to admit they've raised a cad.
The Best Laid Plans
At one point, Charlie informed us that he doesn’t plan on being engaged or married more than once. Mariner's guessing no one plans to get divorced and remarried before they get engaged the first time. Well, no one but someone like Anna Nicole Smith. Formerly married LG agrees, as there are a lot cheaper ways to buy a house for someone you can't stand than by marrying them. Still, as we saw through out the episode, Charlie does seem to be sincere.
Location, Location, Location
Sarah B. makes it clear to Charlie that she’s willing to relocate early in the episode. She seems to be counting on the fact that woman have babies pretty much everywhere and need someone to deliver them. At least that’s why we're hoping she’s ready to move to LA. The only other explanation is that she’s hoping Charlie’s brother can help her get acting gigs just like he’s helped Charlie. Now how romantic would that be? Maybe she can get cast in the next season of Big Brother, and she can pine away from Charlie all summer like Nicole the Newlywed did a couple summers ago. Dare to dream, people.
You Don’t Know Jack
Charlie’s friend Jack wasn’t nearly as impressed with Sarah B. If he called her controlling once, he did it a dozen times. He seemed to think she was going to place an ankle bracelet ala Carlos on Desperate Housewives on his ankle. He also had some strange notion that Sarah should be a little more New York because Charlie is New York. I didn’t know that you are only allowed to date someone from your own region who is just like you. Perhaps some Southern belle broke Jack’s heart? Yeah right. More likely some Southern tourist turned him down at the Mountauket the night before. Saddened by the notion that her only dating prospects are extras from the movie Fargo (yaaaa, you betcha!), LG decides to relocate. How is the man-pool in your part of the country, Mariner? Guess where all the Scandanavians that left the Midwest ended up LG? There is always the pool of former Microsofties though.
Keep it Zipped
Sarah B. proved that her remote control worked just as Jack feared. During Charlie and Sarah’s date back in New York after he announced that he couldn’t make a decision, she informed him that she couldn’t handle him being intimate with Krisily. Later, we saw Charlie telling Krisily that they couldn’t uh you know. This would have been the first real clue to the outcome if the audience wasn’t so zoned out by that point. What? You're dropping off into dreamland? Have some more Ho-Hos. The sugar will wake you right up. Yes, the writing was on the wall with this piece of information, but the wording left a little but not much question as to Charlie’s past intimacies with Krisily, as he seemed to say that they couldn’t do anything more than kissing any more until after the finale. Want to bet that Sarah has been rewinding and replaying that part of the tape more than once in the past week?
The Hos and Family Phone and Television Plan
We were treated to way too many minutes of phone conversations between Charlie and both Krisily and Sarah. Why oh why? We also get to see the two final gals and Charlie watching the show with friends and family. This basically served as an excuse to show more flash backs and occasionally funny commentaries by the others watching with them. The friends and family reactions were a blast but the rest, well, meh. It would have been probably just as entertaining for the show to air live footage of FORTers posting in the show threads, as we watch tv with one eye, read the show thread with the other, while posting updates with our left hand and eating Ho-Hos with our right.
It Was A Good Year For the Roses!
Some time after we all dozed off Charlie finally proclaimed his love for Sarah. He seemed to think this required him to lift her off the ground and babble. Despite how goofy it and Charlie was, it was still kind of sweet. We were just afraid he was going to break some ribs. Probably not the best way to start their exclusive dating relationship. Side note: Mariner was shocked those heels Sarah was wearing didn’t fall of when he picked her up. Charlie did show some self awareness when he contradicted her and said he’s not perfect. But, then again who is? Well, besides those guys we’ve dated who were too perfect for us. Losers. Sarah also showed she might be able to take Charlie by the reigns by telling him no more roses after he handled her the final one. Jack was probably shuddering on a bar stool at the Montauket. Now let's all hope for their sakes that Charlie and Sarah get to use their gift return trip to Aruba before they break up.
’Til Next Year
Inexplicably, ABC has announced that it is bringing back The Bachelor at the beginning of 2006. In the meantime, please e-mail the network and beg them to limit the final show to no more than 90 minutes or at most two hours. It’s never a good idea to put your core viewing audience into a coma. Let's make sure we have a big old box of Hostess Ho-Hos on hand that night as well.
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