Episode 7, (5/9) Recap: Ho’s On Parade
Come one, come all, get your favorite beverage in your favorite hand, pull up your favorite chair, and let’s get ready to ruuuummmble…oh that’s right, this isn’t The Contender, this is The Women Tell All, or with this group of women, I like to think of it as A Whole Lotta Ho’s. Will they really tell all? And if not, how will we know? Do we have to take ABC’s word for it? Afterall, how many times have they promised, “stay tuned for the most (add your own lame adjective here ----> ____ rose ceremony ever, only to leave us disappointed at the end.
Who’s The Ho-est One Of All?
We begin tonight’s escapade with the required Trip Down Memory Lane™. Basically there are scenes of Charlie eyeing the ladies, followed by lots of squealing, drinking, kissing and roses. Eventually Sarah Dub’s parting limo words are shown, and you can bet that piece of footage will never gather dust. I have a feeling it will be replayed over and over again in Bachelor archives until the show takes its final rose to the graveyard. Sarah Dub makes Crazy Jane, Loopy LeeAnne, and Trashy Trish look like women you’d actually consider having as friends. Yes, she is indeed, that scary.
Chris begins by telling us twelve of our favorite ladies will be present, assuring us we will be seeing behind-the-scene footage that will surprise us. I don’t know, Chris, I don’t think there’s much these ladies can do that would surprise any of us by now. It’s just not going to happen, but for the sake of being a good sport, let’s play along anyway. The twelve are:
Kara, nanny/single mom, 26
Kristine, swimsuit model (also claims to be a spy - um, okay), 23
Megan, retail marketer (probably means she works in a mall; she’s also the one who had the failed attempt to dye her hair blonde to captivate Charlie; she’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “Brunette is the new blonde” *groan*, 23.
Geitan, realtor (the spinster), 30
Danushka, fashion model (the epitome of an ice princess), 30
Carrie, computer specialist (are we sure she was on this show?), 27
Anitra, makeup artist, 29
Kerry, mergers & acquisitions (who the hell is she?), 32
Kindle, pro basketball dancer, 23
Jenny, marketing coordinator (the patriotic Canadian), 23
In case we’ve forgotten, Chris reminds us of the early morning wake-up call the women got the first day. There’s a shot of Krisily in that horrendous pink robe she’s always wearing. It’s at this point I realize the women do not tell all, otherwise someone would have told her she needs to give that back to her grandmother. However, thanks to this footage, I now know it was Sarah B. who said the classic line, “welcome to hoochfest, 2005.” We’re also reminded of Geitan’s poor skills at lying when she gets confused as to whether she’s 10 or 20 years beyond…what…the dating scene? Child-bearing years? Whatever she’s alluding to, it’s a hoot watching it again. Ah, good Bachelor times.
This season will be remembered as the season with a higher than normal ratio of deranged women. Danushka tells us she doesn’t like drama, then proceeds to provide some, when she gets into a dialogue about Krisily doing the body shot, saying it “doesn’t make her a bitch, it makes her a slut.” Heheh. Chris actually goes so far as to call that the Best Line In Bachelor History™. She moves on to critique Geitan, saying when she abruptly left the show, she should not have returned, because no one cares about her drama. She may have a point there because, well, we hate to tell you this, Danushka, but we don’t care about your drama either. Nevertheless when Chris asks why Danushka wore those huge sunglasses, she states, “Well, you know when your room gets bum-rushed at the ass-crack of dawn, and you open the door, and there’s a camera crew, and a huge light in your face, where are my sunglasses? But after I saw how annoyed everyone was getting, I’m like, I’ll just keep them on. Why not.” With her speaking abilities, it’s quite clear why she’s a model, and not a spokesperson. Gad, she’s obnoxious, her parents must be so proud.
The ladies would do themselves a favor by practicing for TWTA segments like boxers spar before stepping into the ring. These shows are not for amateurs. Kerry tells us that when Charlie (remember him?) gave her the first rose at the rapid-dating segment, every girl gave her death looks, and refused to talk to her within seconds. Anitra takes this opportunity to climb over the ropes, and take a quick jab to Kerry’s jaw by saying she was paranoid, and tried to stir up drama. She says Kerry got really drunk (at this point Jenny enters the ring with an uppercut of her own) explaining they had to hide the alcohol from her, that she was “pissed off” at the world, and that she swore at them. Kerry makes a feeble attempt to save face by saying that she was getting bad vibes from the ladies, and that they’re not telling the truth. I’m hoping Nanny Yvonne will come out and put a stop to all this.
Chris Spells Date, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R
One of the other aspects to this season’s Expect Anything™ theme, is if you didn’t receive a rose during the date, you would be cut from the lineup and sent home. Chris reminds us that Megan and Kara were the first two ladies to get dumped by Charlie. They giggle and high-five each other, getting a spattering of applause from the live audience. The conversation turns to Megan coloring her hair prior to a date with Charlie, and she explains that she wanted to be spunky and spontaneous. Since when does spunky and spontaneous mean the same as desperate and crazy?
Chris asks about Kara’s skating date, and she says that Charlie is a great guy, but that the two of them live separate lives. I’ll say. She’s a parent, he’s a child, she has a job, he doesn’t…those are some pretty big differences between the two of them. Chris then introduces her daughter, Kaitlyn, who is sitting in the audience. Yikes! What in the hell is she doing there? Just as I hate to see the kids watch their dads box on The Contender, I hope she doesn’t sit through this whole show. Typically these shows are not G rated, and she looks too sweet to be around the likes of Sarah Dub and Danushka. Someone get that child out of there, and let her play with the plastic kind of Barbies™…the other kind of plastic Barbies™.
Kristine is up next and we’re treated to a series of film clips of her stripping down to her bathing suit for Charlie, shortly after meeting him. She tells him she’s a swimsuit model, as well as a top-secret private investigator for our government. Charlie pronounces her crazy, and says Nutty Buddies were not his favorite candy bar. There’s been a lot of debate as to whether Nutty Buddy is a cookie, ice cream or candy bar, but whatever it is, he’s not complimenting her. She says she was called into headquarters at some point, and they were very concerned. About what, she doesn’t say. Were they concerned she was on the show, or were they concerned they had a lunatic on the payroll? She also claims to have been in training for this secret career, while on The Bachelor. Where do they find these people?
Kimberly joins the ladies, and she’s barely wearing a halter top and skirt. She is literally spilling out of her top, and as the cameraman zooms in for a tight shot, Chris says, “For God’s sakes, someone buy that woman a shirt.” (Every man at home is saying, “Don’t you dare!”) The ladies and the audience go wild with laughter and Kimberly says, “Oh, you love it, Chris.” She seems refreshingly harmless, in comparison to the mean-spirited, spiteful women sitting around her. Jenny is under the impression that since they are both Canadian, they should share the same values, and that Kim is not representing Canada well. Maybe Kim could change into a different halter during the commercial…possibly something with a maple leaf strategically placed across each boob. Does that work for you, Jenny?
Chris introduces clips of the women pawing through Kimberly’s suitcase, as Kindle narrates that they tried to act like Kim, but no one could pull it off. Krisily says there is a Kimberly line of clothing…it’s called lingerie. Haha, good one, Krisily. Sarah B. tells one of the girls, “you’re ass is hanging out.” Being a labor and delivery nurse, I guess she’s seen enough asses hanging out to last her a lifetime. They all march around the loft wearing Kimberly’s clothes in a kind of ho-ish Macy’s Parade. Jenny says Kimberly shows off her boobs a lot, and she should, she paid for them. *ba dum ching* You’ve got to hand it to these ladies…they do have snark potential we Forters can appreciate. I’m surprised Kim’s not upset to discover they were going through her things, but she says she was flattered. Again I have to ask, where do they find these people?
Chris cues the footage of Kimberly and Charlie’s ‘date’ when they were intertwined with each other, their lips locked. Hopefully, little Kaitlyn has her lips locked on a McDonald’s™ hamburger somewhere far, far away from here. During the second viewing of this scene, I notice that as they disentangle from each other, Charlie actually wipes his mouth off with his t-shirt. We’ve been speculating for weeks that he looks to be a sloppy kisser, and I’d say we were right about that. When you have to mop your lips afterward, that’s a good indication things are getting messy…it’s not barbequed ribs, you know. Charlie tells us that Kimberly is comfortable with her sexuality, but he’s not sure he’s comfortable with her sexuality. Chris asks Danushka what she thinks of Kimberly, and she offers the suggestion that Kim should have hit the gym a few months before coming on the show. I’m not sure anyone needs to be getting advice from a woman who didn’t last more than two hours on the show, but that’s just me. Kim feels she’s just too wild for our tame Charlie.
Put Another Ho On The Fire
As Sarah W. makes her way to take her seat on the stage from hell, she is met with boos from the audience…that’s boos not booze. She laughs uncomfortably, and looks like she wants to run away screaming, but she’s trying to make the best of this firestorm she created. They play clips of her saying that as soon as she got the first rose, she just knew she would be the last girl standing. We’re informed for the hundredth time that she has been battling mean girls since the first grade, because they’re jealous of the boys giving her all the attention. “I, Sarah Welch, am a beautiful woman. Men are simple. If you’re beautiful and a man perceives you as that, that’s all there is to it.” At this point, the film switches over to when she and Charlie were at her parent’s home. She continues talking, telling Charlie, “I mean, I don’t want to sound cocky (too late), but I am a great catch, I’m really outgoing, I’m not a quiet person, I can’t just sit there, I do get noticed, I mean, I have a presence in a room, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m kind of a diva and there’s nothing I can do about it.” As a side note, while she’s listing off these great attributes of hers, Charlie and her parents sit there stunned. One has to wonder who she is trying to convince…them or herself? The final clip is from yet another time and place, and she finishes her rant with, “Oh, I have this thing in the bag.” I do believe we have a winner for the Most.Delusional.Bachelorette.E ver. Seriously, this woman is wacko. Say it with me now, where do they find these people?
Chris asks Sarah, if she had it in the bag, what happened? She lays blame on the other women in the house, saying she didn’t have a “backup.” A backup? Like an AAA membership, or a spare key? She says Anitra and Kindle “dogged” her. She is truly outnumbered here, so let me just say everyone is laughing at her, and I don’t think it matters what she says, no one likes her, she’s crazy, and with that short skirt she’s wearing, I’m just hoping she keeps her legs crossed. Jenny makes some kind of comment about Sarah W. talking about fairy dust a lot, whatever that means. Kindle and Sarah get into a grudge match, and Kindle says, “you are fake, you are fickle, you are a liar, you are obnoxious, you are horrible….” At this point, Chris interrupts them, and I’m disappointed he doesn’t send everyone to their naughty mats for a much-needed time out.
There’s Something About Sarah
Carrying on, we are informed that Sarah W. has, in real life, a dating rotation. Apparently, she dates a different man at least five nights a week. I guess what she’s saying is she rotates her men, much like we rotate tires on cars…so they’ll wear evenly? Perhaps what she’s doing is just trying to spread the Sarah charm around to all who know her, and the rotation is the only fair way to do that. And she thinks the other women are jerks. Chris asks her to clarify the dating rotation, and she says she goes out to dinner about five nights a week and says, “going on dates every night is fantastic for the bank account.” When Chris hears this he says, “Oh my God.” I don’t know why, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she wasn’t suggesting they pay her, but that going out to dinner saves her money. I’d love to know what these rotated men think about all this. I’m guessing, after they see the show, she’s going to have some holes in that rotation of hers.
Fleiss had better make several copies of Sarah’s limo confessional tape, because with as much as they’re showing it, there’s a good chance it won’t last the night. This time however, there is a little box showing Sarah’s reaction to watching herself on tape. The women and the audience are laughing at her, and she looks extremely uncomfortable. Chris asks why she would say something like that, and her response is, “whatever,” then continues prattling on. People hate you because you’re beautiful, we get it. Why is it women who say these things are never that pretty, but are conceited and ugly on the inside? The conversation dissolves into finger pointing, name calling and ridiculous behavior by just about everyone there. The only person worth quoting is Anitra, “…I feel sorry for you, I left this experience with a lot of great friends, and I think most of us can say the same thing…why don’t you spend less time looking in the mirror and more time looking at what’s inside…in your self-imposed supremacy that you spew on everyone. It’s sickening.” She must have a taken a Psychology 101 class at some point, because I did, and I think she’s got her pegged. Let’s face it, there could be an entire semester based on Sarah.
Charlie Comes Out (not that kind of ‘out,’ people)
A brave Charlie joins our cast of characters, and it appears he and Chris share the same fashion consultant. Tan blazer? Check. Untucked, open-collared shirt? Check. Casual slacks? Check. Kimberly wants to know if she was too wild for him, and he says she was honest, friendly and he loves the way she dresses (no surprise there). He says he let her go because he had stronger feelings for another girl. Aren’t you curious to know whether he kept her phone number, though? Yeah, me too. *wink, wink*
Sarah Dub wants to know when he thought they no longer had a connection. He tells her after a strong start, things started to “teeter downward,” and he felt she was acting sometimes.
What follows is a series of outtakes, the highlights of which are Sarah B. airing out her armpits, a drunk Charlie requesting a kiss from her, and his filthy black feet shaking the maracas. *shudder* By far the two best bloopers, however, were a drunk Charlie sliding down the curved banister with a drink in his hand, and riding his horse straight toward a cameraman. Oh, what a silly, wascally bachelor we have *said in my best Elmer Fudd voice*
This free-for-all…oh what the hell, let’s call it what it is…bitchfest nears an end (thank God) with Chris telling us that once again Charlie is breaking all the rules…he’s still dating both Krisily and Sarah B., and he’ll be making his big decision live on Monday night. We see a tape of Chris explaining to the two final women that Charlie is “absolutely struggling” with his decision, so in order to help him through this crisis, they will continue dating Charlie in the ‘real world’. Chris tells them with great excitement in his voice that they will be able to go to the movies, dinner, and even call each other on the phone. Imagine! Just like real life! It’s a twist! Aren’t you amazed and intrigued by this sudden turn of events? Me neither…bah, I say. When hearing the news, neither one of the ladies is very happy, but I’m thinking what’s to stop them from also dating other men? Not a damn thing, unless Fleiss is going to hire Kristine to tail them. Wouldn’t it be great if the woman he chooses, has met someone much better than Charlie (not hard to imagine), and therefore turns him down? Now that would be the Most.Outrageous.Rose.Ceremony. Ever. Take that, Fleiss!
One More Jab Before You Go, Ho
Chris isn’t quite ready to end Sarah Dub’s suffering, and cues a tape of Sarah B. asking Sarah Dub why Sarah Dub told Sarah B. that Charlie told her Sarah B. wasn’t in the final four. Gah! I suddenly feel like I’m back in high school. As a side note, they have got to quit putting ladies with the same on these shows. Continuing with the immature theme, Sarah Dub’s classic response is to yell, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!” I was waiting for her to add a few “nyah, nyah, nyahs,” but again she disappoints me. She then tries to convince everyone that Sarah B. made the whole thing up. I’m beginning to think she actually believes the things she says. If women like this can be declared sane, Fleiss needs to work on that psychological testing of his.
It’s Krisily’s turn to pick at the Sarah Dub scab, and she wants to know if she’s still being blamed for Charlie sending her home. Sarah says she partially blames Krisily because she was the leader of the “I hate Sarah Club.” That club must have their meetings at exclusive resorts, because with the thousands of members it must have across the nation, they could easily afford it.
With that, after ten seasons, Chris declares this the Most.Interesting.Women.Tell.Al l.Ever. We’re reminded to tune in next Monday for the big finale. Oooh, can we wait that long? Who will he choose? Who will go home brokenhearted (when he chooses them)? Who will go home thrilled (when he cuts them loose)? And most importantly, do any of us truly care? If you care, let me know...roseskid@fansofrealityt v.com