Episode 6, 5/2 Recap: The Cursed Beauty Who Went Commando For Nothing
Last week Charlie met his harem’s immediate family, which is always a bit awkward. This week, there’s no stone-faced daddies to stare Charlie down, just a relaxing resort in Aruba for some overnight fantasy suite fun. Sure, all three girls will be at the same resort, in a Bachelor First; but come on, it’s not like they’re on Temptation Island. It’s not like they’re providing the girls with binoculars and secret cameras, right? Or perhaps suggesting they take a walk on the shore to see what the lights and cameras are pointing at in the water? Nah, the Bachelor is the classy end of reality dating shows. *wink*
Dear Diary, Charlie’s Taking Me To Aruba! *drawing hearts over the i’s*
The episode begins with the startling revelation (okay, not so startling since they’ve hawked the “twist” in commercials non-stop) that for the overnight dates, all three finalists will be in Aruba. Gasp! Somehow, knowing he will potentially have three different heads on his pillow in three days does seem closer to an ABC-arranged “escort” situation than if he had to sit on a plane between dates.
Still, the women have no clue that they are winging their way toward the same destination as their fellow Bach-ettes. Sarah B. is thrilled with Aruba, and glad to have Charlie to herself. Sarah “Dub”, as Charlie calls her, puts it a little more plainly: while the other women are freezing in New York, she’s been given a beach destination, which she’s ready to use to her advantage. Krisily bubbles excitedly about Aruba, since she’s never traveled out of the country before and she just can’t believe it. They could have saved a few bucks sending Krisily to Saskatchewan, and she would have been just as bubbly.
So it’s with dropped jaws and flared nostrils that the girls descend from matching SUV’s at their resort destination, looking none too pleased to see one another. Robohost Chris explains that the Rose Ceremony will take place in Aruba, and their job in the meantime is to sit in their hotel room, waiting for Charlie to call. Sarah W. gasps that she “knew it!” in the manner of a fifth grader. Privately, we’re not surprised to find that each girl thinks the twist is bunk. Krisily declares that she’s not going to let anything bother her, though; “not even Sarah W.” Keep that chin up, little soldier!
First Date: Sarah Dub
Sarah W. is the first to get the call from Charlie. He invites her to an ATV ride, and perhaps she thinks the initials stand for Ass & T***s in View, because she shows up for a day of four-wheeling in a bikini and sandals. But she gamely straps on a helmet as a concession to safety. I don’t know why she bothers; that brain hasn’t done her much good so far. You’d think she’d be more concerned about protecting all that skin - an asset she’s not above flashing for the right cause.
Charlie greets the bikini with a smile, and they’re off. They ride around while a rockin’ soundtrack plays. Soon, Charlie stops, declaring it a good site for a picnic. (I can hear the director: When you see the camera by the side of the road, pull up and suggest a picnic. Charlie: Uh, okay.) They drink and lay around on the beach. But what’s this craziness? A wildly-painted bus pulls up, playing a raucous “La Bamba” for a honk. It’s a Koku Nu Goru bus! Apparently, Arubans enjoy being driven around town as they shake maraccas, wear Mardi Gras hats, and dance to Cajun music. On cue, Charlie and Sarah W. jump on and dance crazily while the bus drives around. We’re treated to a closeup view of the bottom of Charlie’s feet, which are blackened and crusty. Why would be seeing the bottom of Charlie’s feet? He’s shaking a maracca with his toes, of course. Note to self: No more holding the maracca with teeth on the KNG bus.
After all the silliness and lack of meaningful conversation, it’s time for the date to get serious. A table has been set on the sand for a romantic dinner. Sarah W. shows up in pants (shocker!) with a top she has craftily formed out of a leopard-print scarf, sort of a boob sling. She must have her mind on not popping out of the contraption, because when Charlie tries to bring the conversation around to their couplehood, she glosses over any “connection” talk by declaring they are “easy” together. Charlie’s happy to go along with that, telling us that Sarah W. just wants to be a Cyndi Lauper girl, which matches up well with his own hedonistic philosophy. They both just want to have fun, in other words. No deep discussion needed.
Drama Alert: You can practically see the handprints on the back of Krisily’s skirt as she happens to stroll along the very beach where Sarah W. and Charlie are eating dinner. Standing behind a stack of lounge chairs, Krisily watches the date from about fifteen feet away, looking stalkerish. The couple don’t seem to notice her, even though the light is right on her (and assumedly, camera people). Dinner is winding down, so just then, Charlie suggests that they take a dip. Just how wild and spotaneous is that Sarah W. after all? She looks reluctant, but then manages to rearrange her scarf so that it’s some kind of sheer swim dress. “I wish I would have worn underwear,” she laughs merrily. Oh no, you didn’t, honey. Is it sad to pine for the days when women wore thongs if they wanted to avoid pantylines?
We leave the dating couple latched on to each other in the water, engaged in all kinds of kissing and rubbing. We’re not told if Sarah Dub took Charlie up on his invitation to stay overnight, but after that Sharon Stone move, is there any doubt?
Catty Interlude: Krisily tells us that when it come to boyfriends, she’s a jealous type of girl. The previews promised us drama. Will Krisily explode with rage at the site of Charlie sticking his tongue down another woman’s throat? Somehow I doubt anyone has ever worked up a violent emotion about our dear Bachelor, but I could be wrong.
Sarah Be Good
It’s a brand new day, and let’s hope Charlie has showered off the memory of the previous night. Make that two showers, just to be sure. Charlie phones Sarah B. and not so much invites her as tells her they will be sailing. “Okay,” she clucks. Maybe he’s just not a phone person; no one lingers on the phone with Charlie.
Sarah B. shows up for the date in a bikini top and a frilly skirt. With all that skin covered, she could go rock climbing by Sarah Dub standards.
The big question of the date is: will she, or won’t she? Kiss Charlie, that is. In an alternate universe where the Bachelor is just a reality show about one woman and one man getting to know each other on well-funded dates without all the catty competition, the question of the kiss would be intriguing. In our world, after watching Charlie frantically try to lick another woman’s tonsils, it’s more of a hope against hope that she’ll resist his advances. Charlie’s philosophy, meanwhile, is this: “People kiss in Aruba.” And he even liked her family. So what gives?
Sarah B. explains that she’s keeping her guard up ... but she wants to have a good time. Sitting on the bow of the boat, as they peacefully sail around, Sarah tells him that she was engaged once before, and she’s glad she called it off. The experience made her wary of jumping into a committed relationship. Charlie replies that he understands her guarded attitude, but tells her that if she’s trying not to get hurt, then she’s just not trying. What he really means: pony up with the lips, or you’re not trying hard enough for that rose, Missy!
The boat anchors, and the couple have fun frolicking in the water, playfully swinging from a rope into the crystal blue water. Later, they snuggle in a hammock. Charlie tells Sarah that he’s “dying” to kiss her. *sigh* If only I had a crush on the Bachelor, it would be an adorable romantic moment. As it is, I’m flashing back to those awful dances after high school football games, and it’s not a welcome comparison. Sarah, caught in the magic of the hammock snuggle, finally gives in and purses her lips; Charlie zooms in and plants a few butterfly kisses on her, while the camera circles for a better angle. Love, American reality television style.
Catty Interlude: Sarah W. finds Krisily sitting alone, eating her salad in peace. She marches up and initiates a conversation, while Krisily does her best to avoid eye contact. Sarah Dub tells her that she doesn’t have a problem with Krisily, as long as Krisily doesn’t spend her time talking with Charlie about the Dub. Krisily replies that it’s hard to like or trust someone who called her a drama queen bitch. Sarah tells her she’s glad they’ve had a chance to talk, and Krisily stabs at her salad in silence, not looking up from the plate until the evil blonde is gone. Sarah walks away convinced that there’s no way Charlie would give someone like Krisily a rose, what with her crazy unbridled anger. It’s hard to laugh at self-delusion that deep, but I manage to chuckle at Sarah W.’s obvious downward spiral.
At the end of the night, Charlie (in a wrinkled linen shirt) and Sarah B.(in a pale peach blouse) discuss the future. Charlie brings up their geographical distance, but Sarah cuts that argument to the ground, saying that they really need to figure out if they are supposed to be together first, then work out the details. “I’m not locked down,” says Charlie, defiant Bachelor rising to the surface. “I’m not either,” replies Sarah, not missing a beat. There’s a tense moment when they realize they both admitted they could walk away without looking back, then Charlie smiles and they kiss sheepishly. Afterwards, Sarah is talking about the walls Charlie has broken down, and they head up to his suite. Will she go from closed-mouth kisses to breakfast in bed in a single date?
No, she won’t. They agree that they had a great day, but that there’s no reason to rush things. Sarah B. says that she’s not ready to stay all night with Charlie, and he’s gracious about it. After she leaves, he tells the camera that Sarah B. is taking it slowly, and she’s running out of time. Which is not quite so gracious.
Krisily in Aruba
Cute-as-a-button Krisily is just SO blown over to be there, out of her element, on an exotic beach, in an expensive resort ... is there any mention of Charlie in there? She should at least be grateful to the person she must pretend to be gaga over since she wouldn’t be there without him. Krisily dutifully furnishes a few pro-Charlie comments. He brings out the little kid in her, and he makes her a better person when he’s around. So she says her pleases and thank-yous, respects her elders, and helps out with the family chores? (Well, you try to reconcile those two statements!)
Krisily has nabbed the most private date of all - Charlie is sweeping her off to their own private island. Krisily babbles incoherently at the “awesome” news. She never expected to leave the country, much less travel to exotic Aruba, much less be whisked away to her own private island! She’s an ABC producer’s dream, the polar opposite of a jaded Paris Hilton. Hooray for enthusiasm!
After gushing to Charlie about the excitement of being on the trip, how impressed her family will be that she’s in ARUBA, Krisily seems to realize that she hasn’t mentioned Charlie in quite a while. She throws in some compliments, telling him that he’s “amazing” - a lot of fun, yet sensitive too. Charlie tells her that he’s there to find someone special. Krisily eagerly laps it up, saying she feels pretty special. Oh, lordie, can’t these two go snorkeling or something?
Whew! They enjoy snorkeling in their private haven, and afterwards, end up in the shower together. Yowza, the sexy bow-chicca-bow music has started ... but the suits stay on for now.
Catty Interlude: Sarah W. is enjoying the beach by herself, and she’s happy to inform us that she’s not worried about Charlie dating the other two women. She’s positive that he’s got Sarah Dub imprinted on his mind. What moxie this little minx has! Surely, these clips are a clue that she is Charlie’s soulmate. *eyeroll*
Meanwhile, Krisily and Charlie enjoy riding back on a catamaran, sitting on a net suspended above the water (it does look pretty cool). Krisily tells Charlie that she’s never watched the sun set before (what, she’s from the depths of intergalactic space?), and Charlie reflects on how pleasant it is to be the man to provide Krisily with so many firsts - her first sunset, her first trip out of the country, her first ride on a catamaran. But can a relationship last built solely on the excitement of going on expensive dates paid for by ABC? That last thought was mine, not Charlie’s.
They assemble for dinner, Charlie back in his apple green blouse (oh, boy) and Krisily in one of those annoying dresses with both spaghetti straps and off-the-shoulder sleeves. Krisily might even be wearing the little straplets they put there that are meant to help keep the dress on a hanger, because there’s several straps showing of different thicknesses. Ugh, get this girl a turtleneck and be done with it!
Krisily brings up her big fear that they have insurmountable cultural differences, since she is from a family of modest income, and she apparently thinks Charlie is an independently wealthy beach bum. Charlie laughs and tells her that the date did not reflect his typical day. Encouraged, Krisily tells us she is determined to make sure Charlie knows “every aspect” about her. Let me guess: she wants to let him know the goods are available for purchase on the lay-away program? *rimshot*
Yet Another Catty Interlude: Sarah B leans out her window and invites Sarah W up for a cocktail. They share a drink and a few catty remarks about Krisily. Sarah W. cannot believe that Krisily is so dead set against her. (Hello? Remember telling Krisily to her face that she’s a nightmare in the nail salon? That might have something to do with it. ) Sarah B. says less, but shows that she never loses an opportunity for a good drink.
Back at Charlie’s suite, Charlie tells Krisily that he learned a lot about her on their date. Soon they are kissing and snuggling. Coming up for air, Krisily says that she would love to wake up next to Charlie the next morning. But, she wants to talk first. Krisily speechifies in a circular manner about friendship and intimacy, but it boils down to this - she’s willing to give up the goods, but she wants some assurances that it will earn her a rose. Man, these chicks will give it up for practically nothing! Krisily’s “gift” is certainly not given freely, is what she is trying to communicate. Charlie responds that he understands, and that he doesn’t want to play with her emotions. So that’s a ... no?
But wait, Charlie continues. “I would like you to spend the night, and the rest of this stuff we can figure out afterwards. “
“Ok, fine,” caves Krisily instantly. WHAT? What happened to assurances and all that? Out the freaking window like a song on the wind. An interview with Krisily is spliced in, where she reflects on her perfect date, “ just feel[ing] lucky to meet somebody like Charlie,” because she didn’t think “guys like him existed.” She wipes away a tear at the thought of her, um, luck.
Leading up the the Rose Ceremony, we’re told it will be utter confusion as Charlie calls out “Sarah” without specifying which one. That’s what passes for drama? So far the only cattiness we’ve seen is Sarah W. talking big about having the competition in the bag, and poor, pathetic Krisily stumbling across Charlie having dinner (gasp!) with the Mean Blonde. Now, Sarah attempts to build her enormous hubris larger than the island of Aruba itself by telling us that she knows she’ll be the last one standing. That’s right, keep building that dream castle on sand, Sarah!
Suddenly, the girls are on the beach, facing down yet another Rose Ceremony. Sarah W. reiterates that the rose stuff is just a formality; everyone knows that Charlie is hers. Krisily says that waking up next to Charlie felt great. Sarah B. wants a rose so that she can meet Charlie’s parents.
Charlie wastes no time in launching into the “confusing” clip we’ve been promised. “Sarah,” he calls out. Sarah W looks uncertainly at Sarah B, who looks uncertainly back. “Sarah B,” he clarifies. Sarah W. pouts momentarily. *clapping* Congratulations, we have The Most Confusing Rose Ceremony Ever!
All too soon, Charlie names Krisily as his second flower fairy. “So that’s it?” asks Sarah Dub. He walks Sarah Dub to a bench, and she wants to know one thing: “Why?” Charlie admits that they had a great start, but tells her that he felt there were too many awkward moments. He hoped that they would figure it out, but (I can’t believe he’s still going on at this point) he feels that there continue to be awkward moments. Like this one, where he’s dumping her, for example. Sarah W. sits with perfect posture, and contributes that she has nothing to say. Don’t worry, she’s saving up her speeches for the limo ride to the airport.
Pity, Party of One?
Alone with the cameraman in the limo, Sarah W. cements her place in reality show history as the Worst Rejected Bachelorette Ever. Tearfully, she whines to the camera that she’s such a sweet girl, such a catch. She digs deep for a meaningful explanation for Charlie’s rejection:
“The truth is that people are mean to me sometimes because of the way I look! It sounds so stupid, people hate me, because I’m beautiful ... but it’s, like, a real thing..it is a curse as much as it is a blessing to be pretty. There is a huge prejudice and racist[sic] and when it comes down to it, that’s why this didn’t work out because if I had just been a little uglier and little less noticeable ... it’s really sad that it’s not ever going to happen.”
Maybe she did get a bum rap; maybe we are cruel to bottle blondes who arrive at their date sans underwear. *rubbing jaw* Nah, I doubt it. Meanwhile, back with the happier, shinier Rose Ceremony participants, Charlie tells us he’s falling in love with two girls, and he’s excited!
Oh, it’s too rich.
Next week: The Women Tell All. And in two weeks, the two final girls find out that Charlie will not choose between them yet. In a Bachelor first, Charlie will date both women and give their relationships a chance to grow in real time away from the cameras. Wow, a reality show twist that makes some sense! In the finale, Charlie will announce the winner.
Now with more cheese! firstname.lastname@example.org