Last week on the Bachelor, a skank went home. I realize this probably describes every week, but I’ve been a hit-or-miss viewer (despite my love for all skank-fests) so I’m just giving you the general rundown, and for more info you can see Mariner’s excellent and thorough recap of last week’s ho-action.
This week, Charlie visits the hometowns of the four remaining women. Previews suggest he gets loved up by someone’s nana, which proves the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Nice Little People in a Nice Little Town
We start Charlie’s tour of ho-ville USA in McKinney, Texas, home of Sarah B., also known as Little Sarah. Charlie tells us that he wants to be “more than just buddies” with Sarah B. Good, but that they’re both gunshy and hesitant to rush things.
He arrives first at Sarah’s workplace, a local hospital, where she greets him in tropical-colored scrubs. Sarah says that she has her life together, more so than the other girls – she has a good job and a house, and it’s more a question of Charlie fitting into her life than the other way around. She’s hoping to use this date to talk some about morals and values. Um, doesn’t she know anything about the man she-and-three-other-women are dating? This is Good Time Charlie we’re talking about here. He might be a nice enough guy, but I just still see him more doing kegstands than renovating the bathroom.
At Sarah’s nice little house, she goes to change out of the scrubs – wise – while Charlie chats with her dog. The dog is named Lucy! It’s cute. Of course. *wink*
Charlie, actually, is having a full-blown conversation with the dog, with about as much depth as his conversations with bipeds. Sarah thinks that’s just adorable, and says he has this goofy personality that’s just so cute.
She manages to get Charlie to talk to her instead of the dog, and during the course of this conversation, they manage to establish that Sarah would move, for the right man, which is something Charlie was worried about. (I’m guessing he’s more worried about the pressures of her moving for him than longing for her to do so, but whatever.)
Pretty quickly, though, Sarah’s family shows up – parents, a sister who could easily lure Charlie in her own right, and a brother. Charlie says he has never met a girl’s family without dating her for six to eight months beforehand. Well, we’re just breaking all the rules now, aren’t we?
Sarah says they’ve been getting to know each other as friends, and her family points out that he’s also getting to know three other girls. Around about this point, sister Rachael drags Sarah off to quiz her about Charlie. Sarah says she doesn’t know if he’s telling the other girls the same things he tells her. She also says, under heavy questioning from Rachael, that they haven’t kissed. Kissing is intimate, Sarah says, and she thought it would keep Charlie hanging on if she refused to give it up. That’s worked so far. Rachael seems satisfied that Sarah is happy, and lets her rejoin the family.
After a dinner of crawfish, Rachael pulls Charlie aside. She says she’s worried that he’s on the show to boost his career. He says that isn’t so, that he truly likes Sarah, enough that the “where do you want to live” conversations scare him. Rachael decides that he’s a truthful guy and isn’t out to give the wrong impression.
Charlie tells us that he and Sarah are just still trying to figure things out. “I feel like a kid in 6th grade, running away from the girl I like,” he says. (Hah! We knew it, didn’t we, ladies? They ignore us because they love us.)
A Pierogie-full of Uncomfortable Moments
Next up is Kimberly, in Edmonton, Canada. As I said, I’ve only watched this off and on, and the last I saw Kimberly she was about to wear a super-low-cut bustier to an art gallery. I’m rather surprised to find she’s made it this far.
Anyway, Kim and Charlie have physical chemistry, but are nervous that they’ll finally have to take their tongues out of each other’s mouths and use them to form words that, ideally, they can string into sentences and pass off as conversation.
Or, maybe not. Kim say she can hardly wait to get her hands on him, and that their date will “blow him away.” *lays joke gently on the table for anyone to run with*
They ride some indoor rollercoaster, then visit Kimberly’s family at their restaurant, the “Pyrogy House.” Now, I’m from the south, and pierogies aren’t the most popular food down here, but I *have* heard of them (they’re delish) and I’ve never seen them spelled “pyrogy.” That’s like spelling it “Kymbyrly.” And regardless of the atrocious spelling that makes me think “pygmy”, now I’m craving one. (A pierogie. Not a pygmy.)
Kim’s dad immediately pours beer, while her sweet little mom drags Charlie off into the kitchen to help her make “pyrogys”. She lists off all their pierogie varieties in the manner of Bubba listing shrimp in Forrest Gump. In a later confessional, poor little mom raves about how Charlie really loved making pierogies with her, and how much she likes him. I’m glad mom isn’t up for a rose, because she seems pretty naïve and fragile.
After dinner, Kim says her parents loved Charlie. But not as much as SHE loves Charlie. Or, that’s what it looks like, when she drags him off into the back of the restaurant to “help with dessert,” which evidently is tonsil a la mode. Charlie, however, refuses to get it on in her mom and dad’s shop, and disentangles himself.
Meathead, Meet Meatball
Later, they go out on the wild town that is Edmonton. No sooner do they get comfy at Charlie’s favorite spot – the bar – than they’re in for a shock – here comes rejected bachelorette Jenny (who unfortunately for Kimberly is also a resident of Edmonton. Small world, huh?). To make matters worse, Jenny is dragging along Kimberly’s ex-boyfriend, Jason. Kim terms it “kind of an awkward moment.”
A tug-of-war ensues in which Jason tries to get Kimberly to go off and talk to him. It is narrated thus by Charlie: “And she was like, ‘no’, and I was like, ‘yes’, and she was like ‘ok’….” And so on in the same vein. We ain’t one-at-a-timing here, we’re mass communicatin’.
Eventually, Kimberly says, like, ok already, and goes off to a booth with Jason. He wants to know “what’s up.” Evidently he doubts that Charlie has what it takes to “harness the Kim Wild.” Would that be anything like the art-gallery-Kim-Ho? It must be, because Kimberly freezes up. “Please don’t mention anything about that,” she says frostily. No, Jason, mention it! I have a feeling we’re about to hear stories involving jello shots, bar-dancing and boob-flashing. Because Kimberly doesn’t strike me as a shrinking violet.
Sadly, the Kim Wild isn’t the strangest card Jason has to play. He informs Kim that she’ll always be his meatball. Huh? Evidently that’s an endearment between the former couple, but frankly I can’t think of anything less sexy than being called someone’s meatball. It’s just got this ickily carnivorous sexual connotation to it, and since I don’t find either of these people attractive, it turns me off. I do not want to see either of them do anything to anyone’s meatball.
Back at the bar, Jenny is trying to get at the root of why Charlie dumped her. She says she doesn’t know what he’s looking for. He says that he doesn’t know either, but it isn’t her. Ouch. That’ll leave a mark.
Charlie tells us he was surprised to be jumped at the bar like that, but that Kim handled it well – he’s glad she didn’t want to talk to Jason, and is blown away that she thinks Charlie has what it takes. To do what, handle the Kim Wild? Be her meatball? We are not told.
Anyway, Jenny and Jason leave in defeat, and Charlie and Kim decide their night was “awesome” and go outside and make out in the street, like the fine upstanding citizens they are. Kim thinks she’s falling in love.
The Bitch And The Ballerina
Third up to bat is Sarah W., whom Charlie visits in Corning, NY. Surprisingly, Corning has more snow than Edmonton. Maybe I’m the only one surprised – I’m convinced all of Canada is covered by a layer of snow at all times.
Charlie is a bit worried about Sarah W. He says she was fine at first, but living in the house cracked her. “She doesn’t get a sentence out without twitching,” he says, hilariously.
They meet in a coffee shop, where she makes him hot chocolate and settles down for a chat. And what a chat it is, because Charlie wants to address the fact that every other woman has said Sarah W. is a nutcase. I’ve seen these things before, and typically, the nutter who is hated by the other women will not win the final rose. But she’ll get damn close.
Charlie asks her about her fights with Krisily, and Sarah W quickly moves to shift the blame. She says Krisily antagonized her, and when she stood up for herself the other girls turned on her.
Ok, fine. Let’s move on to Sarah B. Charlie asks why Sarah B would say that Sarah W – name your daughters something else, people!! – told her that Sarah B wasn’t in the final four. Sarah W says that B told her that her feelings for Charlie were just buddy-buddy. I’m not really sure she answered the question here.
Charlie says he still doesn’t think he knows Sarah W.
Sarah tells us the idea that Sarah B tried to portray her in a negative light is outrageous. Outrageous, I tell you! How dare she tell the truth! Sarah W thinks the girls have tried to sabotage her, but says Charlie is able to make up his own mind.
At her parents’ house, it’s clear where Sarah W gets her sense of entitlement. She tells her parents – who agree, fondly – that she “has a presence in a room” and that the other girls just wanted to push her down. Her sister, a more plain girl who obviously has spent her life in Sarah W’s shadow, says that Sarah has never had to work for men, that they’re just drawn to her.
When Charlie explains that his first date with Sarah was a group date, her father is envious. Dad drags him outside to help shovel, and they bond like nobody’s business. As Dad says, Charlie would be an easy guy to have a beer with. Clearly, Dad is about to propose himself.
“If her dad and I had any more alone time, he’d be getting a rose,” Charlie says, only half-jokingly.
At dinner, Charlie admits he took ballet as a kid, as part of his acting career. So did Sarah’s sister! They were both in the Nutcracker! It’s a bond. Like every child in ballet classes across America hasn’t been in the Nutcracker at least once. “Once I told her I did ballet, it was one ballerina to another,” Charlie says.
By the end of the night, Sarah W. manages to get cozy with Charlie again, and feels more secure.
Nana Shakes Her Groove Thang
Last up is Krisily’s hometown of Warwick, Rhode Island. This is actually Krisily’s first one-on-one date with Charlie, although as it turns out, her Nana views it as more of a group date.
They start off in the hair salon where Krisily works with her cousin. The cousin gives Charlie a haircut and a stern warning not to hurt Krisily, who evidently was hurt before. Well, hasn’t everyone by her age? What’s that line in Steel Magnolias? – “if you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.”
Anyway, the cousin warns Charlie that if he realizes Krisily isn’t the right girl for him, he needs to let her go right then and there, and not lead her on.
Freshly coiffed, Charlie heads off to meet the rest of Krisily’s loud, loud family. This includes her mother, who looks like she’s been left out in the sun too long – she could compete with Tammy Faye Bakker for worst fake tan and worse eye makeup. The family also includes Nana, who evidently was quite the vixen in her younger years, or thought she was, and has forgotten that those days are long past. I think there might be a father in there somewhere, I keep thinking I see a man in the corner of the screen, scuttering out of the picture.
The family has put an 8X10 framed photo of Charlie on the mantel, which they claim is a joke, but I have my doubts. I think all three of these women would gladly light candles around that picture and worship it. At dinner, the women grill Charlie, and Nana loudly urges them to kiss – right then and there. Charlie and Krisily flee to the front porch, where they DO kiss, I think, as Nana and mom spy. Someone needs to teach this family the value of privacy, and a little something called “TMI.”
Krisily later confides to
frightshowher mother that she is scared, and doesn’t want to get hurt. Mama tells her she’ll be ok, patting her leg reassuringly with a scarlet-taloned hand. Meanwhile, downstairs Nana has gotten Charlie to dance with her, and goes so far as to bump butts with him. Careful of those hips, Nana. This isn’t the USO. You might get hurt.
Charlie thinks Nana is hilarious, and gives her a rose, which thrills her to no end. As he leaves, he says he’s going to have a very difficult time deciding between the four women.
After he’s gone, Nana dispenses one last bit of advice: she tells Krisily to get Charlie into bed. Just the sort of grandmotherly advice everyone wants to hear from their nana.
Eeny Meeny Miney Ho
With the dates over, obviously, it’s time for Charlie to decide. He says it really is a toss-up between the four women – I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear that – and he’s having a super-tough time deciding. Confronted with four women and three roses, he actually brushes a tear from his eye. Assuming it wasn’t sweat, he’s really disappointed me there. I was loving the idea of a Bachelor who actually didn’t give a crap, and didn’t pretend otherwise. Now he’s gone all maudlin on me. I guess we’ll be hearing all about “connections” and “sparks” and “feelings” now. Bleh.
And, he gives out roses to Sarah B., Sarah W., and Krisily. Kimberly is left to go back to her meatball. Charlie takes her aside and tells her he really wasn’t sure what to do, made a split-second decision, and this is how it turned out. I’m sure that’s a comfort to her – that forced to go with his gut, he chose three other women over her. Kimberly says she feels like she’s been hit by a train, and doesn’t know what to say. In the limo, though, she remembers his tears and takes comfort from the idea that it was a hard decision. Sure, let that keep you warm at night... meatball.
It’s time for the overnight dates. Only this time, there’s a twist – all three women, on ONE island, at the same time. You can run, but you can’t hide, ladies.
Tell me your Nutcracker story at email@example.com