Episode 4 (4/18): Cat Fight at the Ho-kay Corral
Welcome back to the all new Bachelor sans pretense where anything can happen and the word journey is scarce. Thank goodness we are no longer subject to ridiculous rose ceremonies where everyone pretends the show is about a lifelong relationship. Now the show is about seeing just how far the bachelor and the bachelorettes will go.
Hot to Trot
We start off this episode with a review of past events and a preview of things to come. In case you have forgotten, the remaining six bachelorettes are Anitra, Kimberly, Sarah B., Kindle, Krisily, and Sarah W. Charlie is packing a picnic for his one on one date and seems pleased that he is taking “Little Sarah” aka Sarah B. horseback riding. In fact, a giddy Charlie asks what can be better than that. I can think of several things but that’s just me.
Charlie tells us that all the girls keep asking him what he’s looking for. He can hardly say a good time, so instead he tells us that he doesn’t know what he’s looking for and that if he did, he’d have a mail order bride book and just pick a wife out of there. Charlie acknowledges that it’s coming down to visiting four of the remaining six in their natural habitats. Charlie is ready to find out if Little Sarah is one of the four.
When Charlie calls the women’s house, Krisily answers. Charlie somewhat awkwardly inquires her how her morning is going and then asks to speak to Little Sarah. Krisily bellows down the hall for Sarah who turns out to be 10 feet away from Krisily. My ears are still ringing and I was watching on television. Sarah B. gets on the phone with Charlie. Charlie asks Sarah if she is ready to go out on the town. He then tells her that the two of them are going to go horseback riding. Not exactly what I consider going out on the town. Sarah, looking somewhat stunned replies, “Oh good. I’m so excited.” Sarah W. tells Sarah B. that horseback riding is one of her favorite things to do. It’s hard not to wonder about whether Sarah W. is trying to get in Sarah B.’s head. As we learn, Sarah B. is nervous because she has been on a couple of horseback riding excursions before and gotten thrown off horses. Nonetheless, she goes to change and is excited to get to spend some alone time with Charlie.
As she heads off for her date, Sarah B. acknowledges that the one on one dates are double edged swords. If you get a rose you get to stay; if not you automatically go home. Sarah looks like she’s been rummaging in Meredith’s closet. She is wearing a pink cowl neck sweater with a cute back jacket and a hat with a pink band. We get to see why Charlie calls her Little Sarah. Her head barely comes to his shoulder. Before they leave, Sarah confesses that she is a little nervous to Charlie.
The two of them arrive at Epona stables where there is snow on the ground and deer grazing. Charlie tells Sarah that growing up he loved horses and he still does. He just hasn’t ridden in awhile. Charlie confesses to the camera that he plans on galloping and if he and Sarah don’t ride off into the sunset, he’s planning on slapping her horse on the ass. Inside the stables, we see a beautiful and temperamental horse being groomed. Charlie tells the groom that he has never ridden English before only Western. Insert your own Camilla joke here. The horse decides this would be a good time to put the skittish Sarah over the edge and bucks. Charlie tells her that Gunner is his horse for the day.
Sarah again confesses that she is nervous. She’s been bucked off before and it wasn’t that much fun, but she’s going to give it a whirl. As Charlie and Sarah talk outside, he tells her that when he was nine, his brother Jerry did “Stand By Me.” Because it was the summer, his whole family went to Oregone. Speaking as someone who grew up there Charlie, it is prounounced Orygun. While they were in Oregon, Charlie got to go to rodeo camp where he was assigned a little white Arabian named Gayla. Charlie tells Sarah that he cried when he left Oregon. He then lets Sarah know that he can tell she is really nervous. Sarah admits that she is a little. Charlie says that she is not ready to get on a horse. Sarah puts on some false bravado and announces that she’ll be okay once she’s on the horse. Charlie astutely (a word I never thought I’d use to describe Chuckles) tells her that she’ll be okay when she’s off the horse. He says that once she’s off she’s going to be very happy that she did it. Sarah says to him that he’ll be with her when she conquers a fear.
Sarah confesses to the camera that she definitely felt a little more comfortable because she felt like at least one of them knew what they were doing. Sarah mounts the horse by climbing up a stepped platform and then getting in the saddle. Once she’s on, she is clearly still terrified as she says “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She looks about as uncomfortable as possible without actually breaking down completely. Charlie tells her he hopes her butt doesn’t get sore. Sarah says that she’s not going to be on the horse long enough for that to happen. After what appears to be 5 minutes, she asks Charlie to come get her and announces that she’s done. Mind you, someone from the stable has been accompanying her the whole time. Charlie sweetly carries her to the fence because he doesn’t want her to walk in the snow.
Sarah smartly tells him once she’s on her perch to go back to riding. Sarah thinks that so far the date has been wonderful. She is pleased that Charlie was sensitive to her need to be nervous about the horse. She says that if she gets a rose she will be absolutely thrilled. Once she is safely ensconced on her perch, Sarah encourages Charlie to make his horse run. Charlie comments that now she’s daring. Sarah simply orders him to do it.
Cat Scratch Fever
Back at the Ladies’ Loft, the other five remaining women are excited. They are off for a day of shopping to be followed by a trip to the spa for manicures and pedicures. Once the women hit the spa, there is much oohing and aahing over the foot massages. However, the women can’t stay away from the topic of the contest for Charlie for long. Kimberly asks whether the others think Sarah is coming back from her date or whether creepy elevator man will remove her luggage. Kindle is convinced Sarah will get a rose. Sarah W. then decides to share that every night when she goes to sleep she dreams about Charlie and really, really wishes she could spend more time with him. The claws go from retracted to fully-extended when Krisily asks Sarah W. if she really misses Charlie or if it is about the winning for her? Sarah W. says that she honestly wants to spend more time with him and that she thinks he is a great guy. Krisily calls Sarah W. on the supposed conversation where Sarah W. told Sarah B. that she wasn’t getting a rose. Sarah W. maintains that she never said anything like that and that everything has been misunderstood.
Krisily meows to the camera that every time there is a misunderstanding it involves Sarah W. and tells us that she is confused by that; a little perplexed. Translation: Krisily thinks Sarah W. is a lying bitch. Sarah W. never being one to avoid a confrontation decides to grab the Krisily tiger by the tail and asks her if she misses Charlie. Krisily tumbles easily into the trap and emphasizes just how much she wants to spend time with and talk to Charlie. Sarah closes the trap door by telling Krisily that maybe that’s why you have so much negative energy. Meow. Sarah then uses the “J” word, jealousy. Krisily decides to try seventh grade sarcasm and says, “I so am.” Sarah follows up by asking Krisily why she is shaking so much. Krisily pulls out the oh so clever come back of “I’m not shaking.” From there it’s essentially meow v. meow until Sarah closes with I hope that Charlie doesn’t end up with you Krisily because you’re horrible; you’re a nightmare.
At this point, Kindle feels the need to intercede and says to Sarah that was mean, just mean. Sarah asks if Krisily has been horrible to her in a rhetorical kind of way. Krisily then has a melt down which ends with her telling Sarah that the only reason she’s ever wanted to leave the house is Sarah. Krisily points out that she doesn’t give a bleep what Sarah thinks. Sarah says that she questions Krisily’s intentions. Krisily retorts that Charlie doesn’t and has in fact told her that he knows Krisily is there for the right reasons. Sarah hisses that she can hardly wait for Charlie to get to know Krisily reminding Krisily that she has yet to go on a one on one date unless you count the body shot. Krisily tearily walks out of the spa stating that Sarah W. is the fakest most selfish person she’s ever met. Krisily thinks it is complete bull to think a guy could end up with a girl like Sarah W. Krisily mentions that Sarah agrees with everything Charlie says when Charlie is around.
Now that the cats are scratched out, we cut back to Charlie and Sarah B. The two of them are sitting on hay bales wearing riding helmets. Apparently they are more in danger of being thrown off the hay bales than they were the horses because it is the first time we have seen the helmets. There is a rose looming on a tray behind the two of them. Charlie tells Little Sarah that he knows the two of them are peas in a pod. He then adds that he likes hanging out with her and knows that she is fun. His question is whether they can be boyfriend and girlfriend. Sarah says that when she came into the show she was thinking she was going to take baby steps at a time and see if there was any connection. Damn. There is the “C” word. She tells Charlie that she has found the word that will not be uttered and hopes she will get a rose.
Charlie asks Sarah about prior relationships. She admits to having been engaged a year ago. Sarah says that he turned out to be someone she wasn’t expecting. Since then, she has had a couple of dates but she hasn’t been in a serious relationship.
Sarah then asks Charlie what kind of girls are you normally attracted to. Charlie somewhat evasively says that he likes different girls for different reasons. He explains that he met his last girlfriend in Montauk two summers earlier. He confesses to Sarah that she is still calling him and is typing on line that the two of them are still dating. Charlie says that it is totally absurd. He says with heavy emphasis that they broke up. I wonder if perhaps he was too drunk at the time to clearly remember the conversation. Sarah is sympathetic and says that she totally understands. Charlie is relieved to get it off his chest. Sarah is glad that she told him and says that she feels like Charlie is here for the right reasons.
Charlie tells the camera that he’s an open book. An often tipsy open book but open nonetheless is our Charlie. Sarah really impressed him by listening. He informs us that he is going to have ex-girlfriends who still like him. I’m thinking he’s going to have ex-girlfriends he doesn’t remember through the alcohol.
Charlie presents Sarah with the rose. She is clearly ecstatic. Charlie observes that she is so excited this time. Last time her gave her a rose, she seemed so surprised. He asks her why. Sarah B. explains that on the bowling date after he and Sarah W had the alone time Sarah W. told Sarah B. that she knew who the final four are because Charlie just told me. Sarah B. also says that Sarah W. said that she was really sorry to see Sarah B. go because we had so much fun.
Charlie is clearly stunned as he talks to the camera. He says that I was shocked to hear that Big Sarah told Little Sarah that she was going home. He really likes Little Sarah. He was annoyed to hear it and affirms that Big Sarah is right if she thinks Little Sarah is competition.
At the end of their date, Charlie tells Sarah B. that he has been crazy about her ever since the dance date. He adds that he’s jealous that all the girls have gotten to spend so much time with her. He then somewhat sweetly yet somewhat juvenilely confesses he doesn’t want to kiss her until it’s the right moment. Huh? Is this the same guy who has tried to suck off the faces of several of the other women? Charlie thinks that the two of them had a great day and is quite pleased. He tells Sarah that he knows that horses aren’t her thing. Sarah responds by saying that she only tried for him. She later tells the camera that she was so excited and elated to get a rose. She seems genuinely pleased at the idea of taking Charlie home to meet her family. I start to wonder if Sarah’s former fiancé was an ax murderer or an alien.
When Sarah B. returns to the loft she gushes to the other women that it was like the best date ever. Remember, this is the woman who is deathly afraid of horses and had to ride one and who then hung out with Charlie in an unheated barn. She exclaims that the two of them just communicated and that they were both so excited. Kimberly went to look up the word communicate but couldn’t find it in the dictionary. Sarah B. thinks Charlie is a truly awesome genuine guy. Everyone else vaguely looks like they are at a funeral. Sarah W. punctuates the whole thing by saying that if Krisily gets a rose Charlie is in for it.
The War of the Ho-ses
The remaining five women and Charlie go to the NYU Athletic Club where Charlie used to fence. Charlie introduces the women to his old next door neighbor who is maybe 14. The two of them demonstrate how to fence. The women act annoyingly incompetent when Bess and a boy try to teach them how to fence. Sarah W. continues to be histrionic telling the camera that she is comfortable with fencing, but she’s not comfortable with putting a sword in Krisily’s hands. Sarah W. says that if Krisily were to stab her, I’ll have a major lawsuit pressed on her. Dramatic much Sarah W.?
Krisily also continues to channel her inner drama queen. She announces that this is her last chance to prove to Charlie that she wants to take him home. She repeats that she has to take the other women out. Then Krisily confesses that she is afraid of the fencing masks because she is claustrophobic. She feels like she is suffocating when she puts the mask on. Now let me just say that I have been a little claustrophobic ever since I got locked in the seat well in the back of a station wagon by the neighbor kids in the Montgomery Ward parking lot. You can see out of the mask. I don’t get why she is in such a panic about the whole thing.
Krisily pulls Charlie aside and says that she wants to let him know as a friend that she’d feel very sorry in the long run if Charlie ended up with Sarah W. Everything that comes out of her mouth is false. Ouch.
A somewhat puzzled Charlie tells us that he likes to hear what the girls have to say about each other but that if they think he is taking sides they are crazy. Charlie shares that he has plenty of old girlfriends that don’t get along. That tends to happen when they find out you were dating them at the same time. Charlie chooses to rely on the ever tricky reality show gut to make his decisions.
Sarah shares the obvious stating that she knows Krisily hates her. Really? I hadn’t picked up on that. She tells Charlie that this kind of thing happens. She plays the sympathy card saying that this kind of thing happened to her in high school. Poor baby. Sarah guesses that she is okay looking while batting her eyelashes at Charlie. He plays right into her shtick saying that Sarah W. is easy on the eyes. I snort.
Once again, Sarah W. plays the sympathy card with Charlie explaining that normally she is able just not to hang out with all the jealous women. She says that living in the house with the others is lonely and she is kind of an emotional wreck. She then throws in several ums and gets all verklempt. She shares that it has been a while since she has gotten to hang out with Charlie and that she got attacked for saying that she missed him.
Charlie is clearly not a guy who enjoys women fighting over him. I would have never guessed. He says that he has no idea what the drama is between Krisily and Sarah W., but he doesn’t want to get involved in it. He thinks that living in the house together is making some of the women crazy.
Charlie tells the women that he misses fencing when he is at the gym. He didn’t really miss it after college because the competition was over and half of fencing was competition to him.
Chris Harrison suddenly shows up at the gym. Anitra shares that she was nervous when she saw Chris because she thought something was up, but she didn’t know what. Chris tells the women that there is another individual date that night, and it is up for grabs. Charlie introduces Paulo to the women as having fenced for the Italian National Team and for Columbia. Whichever woman’s fencing Paulo is most impressed with will win the date that evening.
Krisily is not happy with the turn of events. She tells us that after Chris told them they were competing she started shaking and her palms started sweating. She knew that she really needed the alone time with Charlie but because of her claustrophobia this is the worst.
Chris tells Charlie to take his mark and summons Kim to fence him first. Kim flails ineffectually and Charlie scores a hit. Charlie says he’s got a longer arm. What does she want from him? Sarah W. steps on the mat next. She looks uncomfortable. Anitra, on the other hand, looks like she has fenced before. When Chris tells Krisily she is up next, she defers to Kindle. Charlie goes into attack mode against Kindle. Chris then goes and squats down next to Krisily and asks her what is up. Chris asks her directly if she doesn’t want to do it. She says that I don’t have a choice and confesses to her claustrophobia and the fact that the mask freaks her out.
Sarah then proves she didn’t learn to read from Hooked on Phonics skeptically telling the camera that Krisily claims to be classtrophobic. She thinks Krisily’s fear is crocodile tears because she knew she wasn’t going to win the one on one date.
Krisily finally bucks up and puts on the mask to fence Charlie. Afterwards, she acts like she entered a burning building to save several small children. Krisily says that it was worth the two minutes for the chance to spend a long time with Charlie.
In the end, the diplomatic Paulo says that all the women did great but declares Anitra the winner. Anitra is excited to finally get some alone time with Charlie. She says that it would have been hard to take him home without having a date first. It’s hard to argue with that logic. Chris declares that there is no rose on the line and instructs Charlie and Anitra just to have a good time. Charlie says that he thinks he really likes Anitra; hopefully something will happen on their date. He then says hopefully something happens again complete with wink, wink nudge nudge head gesture and I don’t mean something. As they leave the gym, Charlie and Anitra agree that the whole no rose thing sounds good.
After they leave the rest of the women are standing around talking. Kimberly says that it was weird having the mask on. She felt like she couldn’t see. This leads into round 457 of Krisily v. Sarah W. At this point, I am envisioning Sarah B. back at the loft relaxing in the hot tub sniffing her rose blissfully oblivious to all that is going on. Sarah W. tries to offer an olive branch telling Krisily that she respects that she overcame her fear. Krisily is having none of it saying that isn’t what you said on the side.
Back in full catty mode, Sarah W. says that Krisily tries to be so strong but if anyone looks at her presence and looks at my presence it’s amazing how weak and broken down she is.
Krisily tells Kindle that she hopes Sarah W. is going home and she hopes Charlie doesn’t end up with Sarah W. She then confesses that she told Charlie as much earlier. Krisily declares herself to be ready to go home on that note.
You Say Potato, I Say Potat-Ho
Anitra and Charlie are finally getting some time to know each other. The two of them are dining at a restaurant. Let’s just say that sometimes when you take the mystery out of a relationship you also remove the romance. Anitra informs Charlie that she’ll eat whether she’s hungry or not. She loves food. Charlie counters with food isn’t my thing. When he was a kid he would forget lunch to be able to spend the whole hour playing at recess. Anitra says that she literally goes to bed thinking about what she’s going to have for breakfast the next morning and that she has a huge sweet tooth. You can almost see the cartoon balloon over Charlie’s head where he is envisioning a three hundred plus pound Anitra eating a gallon of ice cream for breakfast. Charlie tells her that he has not a sweet tooth in his head. Anitra jokes that this is going great.
She decides to cement her fate by commenting on the fact that she was disappointed when she first found out that Charlie was the bachelor. She tells him that she was disappointed not because of who he is but because she had the impression that he was going to be into the whole Hollywood scene. She tries to save herself and say that the impression she has now is that he doesn’t seem that way. She concludes by saying first impressions are interesting.
Anitra still desperately searching for something they have in common admits that she is always cold. Charlie dashes her hopes by saying that I think I’m always hot. I’m fairly sure he meant temperature wise. Charlie confesses to the camera that no one can deny Anitra is hot but clearly they have a lot not in common. Anitra tells Charlie that she is not a phone whore but she loves to e-mail. Charlie says he’s not an e-mailer. I envision him pecking away typing with one finger. While Anitra eats her dessert, Charlie has a final cocktail. Anitra proves to be a master of understatement saying that the end of the night was a little awkward. She doesn’t want to make any snap judgments. She admits that maybe Charlie had one too many cocktails. Mercifully for all of us, the date finally comes to an end. Afterwards, Charlie says that he’s not sure whether he is feeling like they are friends or more than friends.
There’s Got to be a Morning After
The next morning a surely hung-over Charlie arrives at the women’s abode. He is carrying a bouquet of daffodils and says that he doesn’t know what he is going to do at that night’s rose ceremony. Hey Foreshadowing, is there some reason it is referred to as that night’s rose ceremony 6 times in the next two minutes? Charlie is looking for something that says come to my hometown. An already awake Sarah B. greets Charlie and announces his arrival to everyone else. Charlie goes and joins Kindle and Anitra in the bunkroom. The three of them have a kind of innocent conversation about slippers and hanging out.
Next we see Kindle giving the confessional signaling her exit. She says that she feels better about not having any alone time because she’s sure he’s a genuine guy and that if she does get a rose she’ll be excited because that will say a lot. He will have noticed her out of a group enough to go meet her family.
Charlie asks what they are doing. He then says that as soon as he showed up Sarah W. made a break to the bathroom to put her Charlie face on. Charlie declares that they are cooking breakfast not washing their faces. In confessional he says that he grabbed her out of the bathroom and told her to get to the kitchen and start cooking. He punctuates this whole speech with a whipping motion. And least he didn’t tell her he wanted her to be barefoot and pregnant.
Once the women get serious about whipping up breakfast, Charlie tries to step away. Krisily takes the opportunity to pull Charlie aside much to Sarah W.’s displeasure. Sarah says that every time Krisily talks to Charlie she gets nauseous and wants to vomit. Sarah W. proves just how egocentric she is saying that she’s sure Krisily is going to say something about her. Out on the balcony, Krisily and Sarah are in fact not discussing Sarah B. Instead, they are talking about whether Charlie is nervous about the night’s rose ceremony. Krisily admits that this time she is nervous. The two of them go inside. Charlie confesses that Krisily is going to be a really hard one for him to decide. He really likes her and he wants to like her more.
Breakfast apparently goes off without a hitch. At the end, Charlie says that tonight sucks and offers a toast to a great time. He then apologizes to Anitra for being a little tipsy at the end of the night before. This seems to mean a lot to Anitra for some reason. After they are done eating, Charlie asks if they are kicking it in pjs all day. At that moment at least according to the editing Chris Harrison shows up to announce that he really, really meant that anything could happen this season. What the women and Charlie didn’t know is that there is going to a rose ceremony right then. Everyone looks stunned. Chris shoos the ladies down the elevator. Charlie tells us that he wasn’t ready and his decisions weren’t made. He wishes he had more time and feels kind of sick.
Homilies and Horticulture
When we come back, Chris and Charlie are sitting on the couch. Chris apologizes for springing the rose ceremony on Charlie. Charlie looking like he’s being taken to a root canal says that’s okay let’s get this over with. After they arrive downstairs, Chris apologizes to the women. Sarah B. is wisely sitting quietly on the couch as the only woman safe from elimination. Charlie jokingly asks her if they can get her anything.
Chris asks if any of the bachelorettes have anything to say. Kimberly offers up the words amazing and adventure. She also tells him that she thinks he would fit in great back home in Canada. Kindle tries to plead for some alone time at her home.
Charlie gives the first of the three roses up for grabs to Kimberly who says that she was thinking about jumping up on him. Sarah W. is the next one to learn she gets to introduce her family to Charlie. Her reaction is beyond over the top. She looks like she is going to hyperventilate. In fact, Charlie ends up telling her to settle down or keep quiet. The last rose goes to Krisily which results in the Sarah W. raised eyebrow.
Charlie explains to Anitra that the two of them are friends and that is all there is to say. He tells Kindle that he thinks their relationship would have grown, but he had to not give someone a rose. Anitra takes it all in stride telling the camera that it was a little disappointing but that she has no doubt she’ll find someone. Kindle says that Charlie didn’t get to know her. She gets embarrassed when she gets a little teary and says she is not crying about Charlie.
Charlie tells the remaining four women to be nice. Given that he’s kept the two chief rivals, it is a good thing they are going to be separated next week at their individual hometown dates. Sarah W. appears outraged that Krisily has lived to claw another day. She tells the camera that she’d be the best girlfriend in the world times a million. Charlie confesses that now he’s the nervous one as he will be going to the hometowns. He thinks/hopes he’s pretty good with parents.
Next week features horny nanas, booty dances, Charlie on his best behavior, a confrontation between Sarah W. and Charlie, and a teary Charlie at the rose ceremony.
Up for a duel? E-mail email@example.com