Previously on The Bachelor, Charlie heartlessly dashed the hopes and dreams of seventeen women who came on the show looking for love and the ultimate prize, getting married and starting a life and family together with the man of their dreams.
No one's buying this crap, right? So to recap, Charlie has kicked seventeen fame-whores off the show cutting their fifteen minutes of fame to a literal fifteen minutes. This week there will be more passionless lip-mashing, more overly melodramatic speeches, more insensitive bad-mouthing and more tasteless wardrobe choices. So pour yourself a big glass of your favourite cocktail (no double-entendre intended), grab some popcorn, make sure the kids aren't around and let's revel in the debauchery.
"I like these panties, they can hold a lot of dollar bills".
"I had this custom made to fit me".
Can you get your money back?
"Kim had this 90's Madonna outfit on that I couldn't get away with wearing without getting a breast job".
"Oh no, Mom's gonna kill me now".
"Hi! Charlie? I'm having trouble hearing you, is that a truck? Why are you at a pay phone?"
"Tonight should be fun because Kim's such a slut and I'm already three sheets to the wind".
"She'll get so much air-time we won't be on this week's show at all".
"They told me they don't think it's appropriate to wear such a sleazy and tasteless outfit to an Art Gallery. I explained to them that I am sleazy and tasteless so they should butt out".
"[sniff] Eww. I can't tell what smells worse, my breath or my hand".
"When I saw her tonight I thought 'Wow, she's a lot more conservative than I was hoping'".
"Me and Art, pshaw. If this is me, then this is.. no wait [hick]. If this is Art then, [hick] no this is Art. This is Art and this is me and this is Art too and this is... [hick] who's this? Why does the number of fingers keep changing? [hick]".
"Kim is boring when there's no pole nearby, so to liven up the evening I brought in some paintings I did when I was a kid as a joke. By the end of the evening I'd sold three of them".
"Of course I don't want to go home tonight. The more time I get on the show now, the more tips I'll get in my G-String later".
"Do you want to go see where
my parentsI live?"
"So in order to get any air-time at all on the show this week, we opened our luggage and found slutty cloths to party in for Kim-Fest 2005".
Wait a minute, didn't they just finish giving Kim a hard time for having slutty cloths? Aw man, now I have to look up how to spell 'hypocrisy'.
I guess her daughter goes to private school.
Hey Anitra, you gave Kim a hard time about dressing like a slut but at least screen fuzz guy didn't have to fuzz her out. I think you owe her an apology.
"Your place looks like someone's mother decorated it".
"You have so many pictures of yourself".
"That's only because I'm incredibly narcissistic".
He's not looking at her again. What's with this guy? Is he just so drunk he can't focus?
"Kim is at Charlie's house right now".
"How do you know?"
"I hid a GPS tracker in her mic-pack".
"We just got busted by the girls, you better go".
"Thank-you for having me. Here".
It looks like she's trying to make some money on the way home?
"I wish you guys were up when I got back last night so that someone could have held my hair".
"Kim and I are very different, I've never thrown my back out because of implants".
"I don't like being left here alone with Kim, good thing I've had all my shots".
"OK grab your ball".
"I really felt like I was with Sara W. and her boyfriend".
She's quite observant, and way to smart for this guy. I don't get why she doesn't just leave.
"Enough bowling, let's class this party up and go play some pool".
"It's pretty normal, you go back to your pad, you hang out".
"Yah, but I wouldn't spend the night there".
"Then how do you make the guy buy you breakfast?"
"I'd like to steal you for some one-on-one time".
"Yah, OK. If I can get up without falling over..."
"I think we could probably have a good battle of wits".
"That's brave of you to fight unarmed".
"I definitely think we could be good friends. As far as dating goes, we'll figure that out after I sober up".
"Ugh! Those are ugly boots".
"Guys love it when you show 'em skin, they'll even pay you to do it".
"Kim was trying to teach me how to be a slut. I had a kid when I was Sixteen, I don't need lessons from her".
"I'm just trying to get through the day, I woke up this morning with a massive hangover. I'm not Seventeen anymore, I can't go out and drink all night and still function the next day. That's one of the reasons why I need to settle down".
"Ooo, there's a card too. 'Condolences on your loss, Martha', who's Martha?"
"Thank you so much for my flowers".
"Your flowers? I sent you flowers? I must have been totally wasted, I only send flowers when I'm totally wasted".
"I think we have a lot in common, you have a little kid, I have the maturity of a little kid".
"I needed to talk to someone so on the spur of the moment I decided to call my brother, fortunately for everyone there just happened to be a camera crew at his place at that moment".
"Do me a favour Chucky, no hot tub scenes. I've seen you with your shirt off man, don't be jumping into any hot tubs".
"Can you tell us why these two very different ladies have a rose?"
"Well, I can't remember most of my date with Kim and at the end of the bowling date I was so out of it I thought Sara B. was Sara W."
"I don't know why I'm being overlooked, I'm smart, I'm articulate, I'm well read, and I'm successful".
You just answered your own question.
"I'm annoyed because I didn't get any one-on-one time, I don't think he got to know me. Plus, now I have to get a green card the hard way".