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Thread: Episode 3 (4/11/05) - “Welcome to Hooch Fest 2005, Bitches!”

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    Episode 3 (4/11/05) - “Welcome to Hooch Fest 2005, Bitches!”

    Welcome back to the Bachelor, where, as you will remember, we’re in for a madcap zany ride. This Bachelor is breaking all the rules, even the ones about hanging up the handset after making a phone call. Woo hoo! Next we’ll see Charlie putting the ice cream in the fridge, that dangerous dawg. And you just know he’s leaving that toilet seat up, no matter who won’t leave is hanging out on his couch and/or bed. Outrageous!

    If you missed last week’s episode, fear not - it has been meticulously and hilariously recorded for posterity by our own beloved Silverstar. Click here to catch yourself up!

    From the School of Samantha - You Know, That Samantha

    We begin our foray into romance with Kimberly reflecting on her upcoming one-on-one date. She giddily sighs and shows us the outfits she’s considering for the big night. Strangely, they all seem to be lingerie. If we had any doubts as to what a “one-on-one” date means to Kimberly, we’re crystal clear now. You’re probably thinking, so she’s wearing skimpy underwear; big deal, right? Lacy underwear shouldn’t make a single gal feel slutty, especially in pastel blue, sheer black, and ... a pearl thong? Okay, that seals it. Anyone sharing the same taste in lingerie as Samantha from Sex in the City falls into a category waaaay beyond Hoville - they’re living smack in the middle of Slut City. The addition of a see-through lacy bustier isn’t helping, either...although it would seem to be quite the rose-catching attire. Heck, my cat was pitching a rose at the screen. Luckily, I sent DH out of the room at the emergence of the pearl thong. A pearl thong, folks.

    Charlie seems perky at the thought of getting to know Kimberly a little better, while holding the rose like a sword of Damocles over her head that will drop if he feels the slightest displeasure with her company. He swings the phone around like a mace in battle; the handset goes flying, and he humbly creeps away to let a producer fix his mess. Ma Bell would be frowning at the immaturity of this man-child with his goofy ways and overly-weathered features.

    Somehow, the flying phone is corralled and hooked up again, and Charlie successfully makes a phone call to invite Kimberly out on a date to an art gallery. Kimberly seems pleased at the idea of visiting a big city art gallery, but Jenny and Anitra take her aside to advise her of the ways of the sophisticated artsy set. It turns out that slutty bustiers are a no-no at a classy New York art gallery function. Kimberly takes in their advice, and perhaps not wanting to look like she does everything her big Edmonton sister tells her to do, she comes up with a compromise: a suit in opaque fabric (good) that ends about two inches below the crotch (not so good). Maybe she just likes to air out her legs on cold winter nights, I don’t know. Jenny’s take on Kimberly’s “suit” is that it lands somewhere between trash and class. Considering she could earn real money wearing that suit on Hollywood Boulevard, I’d say she was leaning toward the trashy end of the spectrum, myself. And we don’t even know what she picked to wear underneath. Not the pearl thong, please, oh God, no!

    Charlie, the Artiste

    The anguish over what to wear pays off handsomely, as Charlie seems smitten with the teeny weeny skirt. “Now we’re cooking...with GAS.” That sounds like the kind of joke that circulates on the kindergarden playground, but he seems to mean “she’s hot in a fossil-fuel, non-renewable-resource” kind of way. Which is pretty special, when you think about it.

    Chucklehead Charlie claims to be art-oriented or somesuch nonsense we don’t believe. He comments on a picture of a woman bathing a child, describing it as the one “with the kids’ peckers out”. Kimberly is just as sophisticated, noting that one picture reminds her of pajamas. She oohs and aahs with Charlie as he considers a picture of an oval inside a rhombus. Charlie is amazed the artist can draw such a perfect oval, and Kimberly gushes that it’s great Charlie has “all those thoughts.”

    It wouldn’t be a cheesy reality show date without some hijinks, and we learn that Charlie has stocked the gallery with canvas paintings he made as a child. *slaps knee* Oh, the hilarity! Facing down pictures of trees, flowers, and one with random brush strokes on canvas, Kimberly scoffs that she could paint something like that - her or a kid, that is. That’s the cue for Charlie snatch the painting off the wall and brag about his brush stroking skills from the tender age of 18 months. *yawn* Hasn’t he learned by now that the only people who want to see the paintings of 18-month-olds are grandparents? Kimberly claims to be impressed by his artistry.

    The date has progressed so well, they decide (as they swirl their fingertips in a sand-topped table; predictably, Kimberly sketches a pwetty heart) to continue the date at his apartment. Charlie hangs on to the awkward rose in a Nambé dish, though. It looks like the pearl thong will have to work for that rose after all.

    And how do the other women feel about Kimberly getting her one-on-one thaaang with Chucklehead? Like she provided them with entertainment for the night, that’s how. While she is busy drawing sappy hearts in the sand with Charlie, the women break into Kimberly’s suitcase and raid her stash of smutty clothing. “Welcome to Hooch Fest 2005, bitches” deadpans Sarah B., while the girls strut provocatively in micro-minis and necklines that plunge to the navel. Eventually, the fun dims a little as the women realize Kimberly has been gone a long, nay, a looong time; much longer than needed for a little light chat at the art gallery. Anitra thinks they could be engaged in a good conversation, but is laughed down by the others, who are willing to bet the conversation has turned to tonsil hockey by this point.

    Lady Ambidextrous

    What has that Kimberly been up to? Oh, I’d say she’s up to the back of Charlie’s knee - with her foot, that is. She tells Charlie about her large extended family, describing herself as a family kind of girl. All the while, the foot is rubbing, she’s playing with the hem of his untucked shirt, she’s resting her head on his shoulder...putting a whole new twist on the “girl you take home to mother” concept. You get the feeling Kimberly’s the kind of girl you take home to share with your childhood best friend, not to impress your mother. “You’re good with the foot rubbing,” he comments, voice cracking. To put it in old movie telegram speak, Charlie’s return signal would read: MESSAGE RECIEVED STOP YOU WANT SEX AND/OR ROSE MADLY STOP. Kimberly’s powerful foot yields the desired result - Charlie practically snaps her on the behind with that rose, and before you know it, they’re conversing in his bedroom, on his bed. They wouldn’t kiss and rub up on each with the cameraman right there, would they? Oh, yes they would. And do. All that smacking - why do I feel the need to brush my teeth all of a sudden?

    Back at the dress-like-a-slut party, it’s nearly 2:00 A.M., and the women are a bit flummoxed at Kimberly’s continued absence. Some think she had to have gone back to Charlie’s place for a little extra fun, while others are positive she just would not do that. Why not, you have to wonder? She’s too much of a goody two shoes? She wouldn’t want to break the rules? She must be dying in that uncomfortable pearl thong by now? There’s only one solution to this maelstrom of madness; Anitra decides to call Charlie. But there’s a problem; he hasn’t given any of them his number. “Just use that star-six-something,” contributes Sara W. Now come on, do you think the producers would let an opportunity for D-R-A-M-A pass by over a little thing called privacy? There’s no such thing in reality television! Miraculously, Anitra places a call that rings directly to Charlie. Amazing.

    Charlie sounds a little hoarse, as if he has been woken up (or interrupted? Who can tell?). He tells Anitra that “little Kimmy” (her nauseating endearment, not his) is on her way back home. Was it a hookup or simply an endless conversation about fingerpainting? One thing’s for sure, her bags are planted firmly in the hallway, and no stranger in black is arriving to snatch them away. Which is a good thing, since they’d have to strip bare if he did, lest they cross over the line from borrowing to stealing skank-ho attire.

    The next morning, Kimberly emerges with a smile on her face, oh-so-casually letting fly the info that Charlie wanted her to see his place so he could “do the whole rose thing.” And that he has tons of family pictures. Sarah B. worries at Kimberly seeming to mesh so well with Charlie, because she is so “different” from Kimberly. “I don’t throw my body out, I have morals and values,” she tells us. Forget morality, she’s on a cheesy reality show famous for producing non-couples; what does that say about her powers of judgment?

    Get Him With a Gutterball

    It’s a great day for a group date, but what can you find to do on a snowy day in New York City? Visit a childhood haunt of Charlie’s, of course! The ho-pack treks off to a bowling alley that kicked Charlie out once or twice in his youth. But old wounds are easily healed by a producer’s pocketbook, as it appears that not only is Charlie let in the joint, he and his makeshift harem have the place to themselves.

    The girls seem to be having fun at first, cocktails in one hand, brightly colored bowling balls in the other. They cheer each other on, and laugh heartily at Sarah W.’s awkward sideways toss that lands straight in the gutter. But the laughter dies down when they see Charlie respond to the age-old challenge of helping a pretty little lady master a sport. It’s bowling, not rugby; my ten-year-old niece could give her pointers. Sure enough, after Charlie manfully shows her the right way to bowl, she’s hitting strikes and hugging Charlie with gratitude. Jenny comments that the date feels like she (Jenny) is with her girlfriends, and Sarah W. is the only one who brought a boyfriend. Sarah W. confesses that she feels like Charlie is her boyfriend, and the others need to back off. Such confidence, Gutterball Girl! Let me guess...it’s because you’re the prettiest, isn’t it? You didn’t say it this week, but we all know what you’re thinking.

    While Sarah W. gets Charlie off in a room by herself, the women left behind make up names for the annoying W. at the end of Sarah’s name: witch, wicked, worm, weasel...whatever. Naturally, the other girls blame Sarah W. for hanging on Charlie the whole time. I suspect they’re just bitter because they didn’t think of the gutterball strategy first.

    Charlie brings the rest of the group daters into a private room filled with red pool tables, red couches, and odd red circular alcoves for group sitting. Krisily corners him on a comfy couch and begins her own version of the Spanish inquisition (poke him with the soft cushion, Krisily!). When a girl spends the night at a guy’s house, she prompts Charlie, trailing off with a nudge...it’s not long before Charlie cuts line and flat out tells the mini-assembly (both Sarahs have joined them on the couch by this time) that they made out, but didn’t sleep together. Okay, we’ve officially regressed in maturity to oh, say, Sophomore Prom level. Krisily accepts his explanation and pulls him away for an exclusive three minutes alone, where they decide that if nothing else, they will be good friends.

    The deserted Sarahs get comfortable on the red couch, and W tells B that it’s time for gossip. She would like to talk about herself. Um, does that count as gossip? Sarah W tells a slightly swaying Sarah B (she is sucking furiously through that tiny straw like the booze cuts off in twenty minutes) that Charlie told her she (W) was safe, and W wants B’s thoughts on who the other three roses will go to. Sarah B does the math ponderously (Krisily, Kimberly, and Jenny) and manages to carry the 2 in her head. There’s no room for two Sarahs in that foursome. She furrows her brow drunkenly.

    Consider the Source, Kara

    Back at the feminine palace, Kara (slated for a one-on-one date that night) and Kimberly (fresh off her night with the big guy) make small talk, waiting for the group daters to return. Kara asks Kimberly if she thinks a nice sweater is a good choice for her date with Charlie. Kimberly smiles, and we can read her mind: do I help her, or tell her that wool turtlenecks are all the rage? She settles on telling Kara that a sweater is only good if it’s slipping off one shoulder. “Guys love it when you show them skin, you know,” she advises Kara. That’s a snappy future epitaph; I hope Kimberly wrote it down for posterity. Kimberly comments that he’s keeping the girls out late, since it’s all of 9:00 P.M.

    If only they knew they were just hanging out yammering. Sarah B. is regaling Charlie with her dreams of marrying and going to Sunday school one day. “I know my hymns,” contributes Charlie helpfully. What kind of drunk do you have to be to start waxing about the joys of Sunday school while on a date with a known womanizing D-list actor? Luckily for Sarah, Charlie takes over the conversation, and she can sit back in the circular alcove thingey and nod drunkenly. Oh, for fun.

    At the end of the group date, Charlie decides to grab the rose and give it to ... Sarah B! She was “toooootally taken by surprise,” she tells us, and now sees that Sarah W. was perhaps being a bit devious with her earlier. Rose in hand, she sounds like a whole new person than the girl interviewed an hour earlier.

    While Kara looks perky and excited for her big date with Charlie, we see the lug arriving back at his apartment, looking like he’s been asked to shovel the walk by his nagging Momma. He does not look like a single guy anticipating a hot date. He should be so lucky to kiss sweet Kara’s boots.

    The phone rings for Kara, and it’s Charlie, but he’s calling to tell her that he’s exhausted. He can’t muster up the energy to go out on a date, and promises to make it up to her. Kara is not offended one bit (he sounded like death warmed over on the phone, after all), and before she has a chance to feel bad, flowers arrive from Charlie with an apology. If it were me being stood up, I’d want two dozen roses in a stunning arrangement, at the very least; then again, as a friend pointed out, roses would make an awkward gift on this show. All right, he’s off the hook this time, but a vase to put those stargazer lilies in would have been a nice touch.

    The next day, Kara gets her Charlie time. She seems thrilled to find out they will be going ice skating in Central Park - “a dream come true,” she says. Soon they are circling the empty rink, Kara looking adorable in matching red hat and scarf. The subject of Kara’s daughter comes up right away, and Charlie seems to enjoy talking about her. They continue to circle alone, the only skaters for miles. But what’s this? Suddenly, there’s a pair of rapscallions skating on the rink with them! They taunt the couple and challenge Charlie to a race. Hmm, how are they are being picked up on microphone even though there’s no boom mike in sight? Magic? Charlie gamely accepts the boys’ challenge to interact with minors (which we all know is the real challenge; the race is secondary). Kara says that she’s impressed by Charlie’s manner with the kids. Whatever devious plan the producers cooked up, she doesn’t seem to be in on it.

    Taking a break from skating, the talk turns serious as Charlie reflects on the irony that the youngest girl in the group is so much more mature than he is. Kara agrees, and says that it’s important for him to realize that motherhood is a major portion of her life. She points out that her days are filled with soccer games and school meetings. She volunteers at church and spends her free time with her child. By now, a sad soundtrack is playing, the snow is falling silently around them, and the unused rose sits forlornly in a metal dish, covered in snow. Yeah, we can tell where this is going.

    Charlie is looking grimmer by the moment, and when Kara asks him point-blank if he can honestly see himself dating any single mom, he tells her that he likes her, but that it would be better for both of them if they stopped before it went any further. Kara tells him that she’s not sad; in fact, she thinks it’s for the best. In a flash, she’s gone, but she tells the camera that she will tell her daughter that she won’t settle for anything that’s less than the best for both of them. Charlie says the moment felt “awful.”

    Back at the apartment, the girls moan and groan when an anonymous figure in black pops in to take back Kara’s suitcases.

    Charlie is still wandering gloveless in Central Park. He takes a few minutes to call his older, cuter, more successful brother, Jerry O’Connell. Lucky for Charlie, his brother is just flopped out on the couch with nothing to do but chat. And isn’t it lucky there’s a Bachelor camera present to record the historic moment? Jerry’s advice for Charlie is to not jump in any hot tubs. Brotherly advice to live by. Wow, for having been promoted shamelessly at every commercial break, the big phone call was really a whole lotta nuthin’. Seeing them near each other only reinforces my belief that Jerry got the Leading Man jawline in the family.

    A Most Tedious Game Rose Ceremony

    After a birth control commercial aimed at the Kimberlies of this world (“remembering to take the pill every day can be such a hassle!”), we’re ready for a non-superlative Rose Ceremony. What happened to the most dramatic/shocking/flesh-eating ceremony ever? Oh, I see, the shock and awe will come after the ceremony, as Chris tells us that “for the first time EVER” a fight will break out after the roses have duly been distributed. Unless they passed out switchblades with the roses tonight, you can bet it will be nothing more than the typical catty bitchfest. Who will feel the sting of the cat’s claw? *hiss*

    Charlie shows up in an untucked apple green blouse (I’m sorry, that color is never anything but a blouse) topped by a black velvet sport jacket. Robohost actually laughs when he opens the door and catches sight of Charlie’s getup.

    Charlie is not fond of Rose Ceremonies, he tells us. But...but...you get to see the girls dressed up in their finery! First to make an impression with her choice of dress is Jenny, who is wearing a sleeveless pink satin concoction with the kind of gathers down her midsection that you normally find on plus-size swimsuits. Kimberly (sitting smugly on the safe couch, rose prominently displayed) has chosen her peek-a-boo lace bustier that leaves less than a square inch to the imagination (well, an inch squared on either side).

    Anitra questions Charlie on his choice of Rose holders, since Kimberly and Sara B. are, let’s say, cut from a different cloth. One from homespun cotton, the other from faux leopardskin. Charlie replies that he doesn’t know what he’s looking for.

    Jenny takes this as her cue to complain that she’s being overlooked. She feels that she’s smart, pretty, funny, and just because she doesn’t look like that (gesturing at near-naked Kimberly) and doesn’t act like that (waving a hand at a ticked-looking Sarah W.) she shouldn’t be put at the back of the pack. Perhaps this argument would work in a job interview (or not), but will it work on Charlie? Can you argue your way into someone’s heart? Charlie counters that he thinks Jenny looks great tonight. *hepcat faints* Has he seen that dress? I’ve seen English Bulldogs in more elegant attire. Jenny finishes off her “pick me” argument by pointing out that Sara W. has an aggressive personality, in contrast to her own shy, retiring manner. Sara W. says that she would hate be seen as aggre–but she’s interrupted by the doormouse Jenny. “That’s your personality,” Jenny accuses frostily.

    Enough chit chat, it’s time to play florist. Krisily, Anitra, Sarah W., and Kindle all receive their rose with a kiss on the cheek. Jenny’s eyebrows hit her hairline before she recovers her composure. Charlie tells her they’re not right for each other, and Jenny tells him it’s “no big deal.” Take that, Charlie Longjaw! After walking out, though, Jenny confesses that she’s frustrated and annoyed to be the loser. Maybe she shouldn’t have listened to the shoplady who told her she looked like fairy princess in that pink gathered horror, then.

    After the Rose Ceremony, Sarah W. shares that Jenny’s criticisms bothered her. Krisily gets all Dr. Phil up on Sarah, telling her she needs to stand up for herself more. On a roll, she goes on to tell Sarah that she hasn’t had a personality since she entered the house, and everyone knows it! Sarah W. looks annoyed as Krisily, then Anitra, get more and more screechy with their helpful advice. “I would like you to keep it real, keep it REAL,” shouts Anitra. I don’t understand these women; screaming at your competitor to have her own opinions, then shouting her down when her opinion is that they are attacking her? “It’s not an attack, it’s a conversation,” argues Krisily. We all know they will go extra lengths for drama, but this “fight” was about as exciting as watching the women brush their teeth. That’d be keepin’ it real for Anitra, at least.

    Next Week

    Only one woman will feel the glory of a one-on-one date; the rest must be content to date en masse with the rest of the herd. No one looks happy at the announcement. Sarah B. tells Charlie about her little gossip session with evil Sarah, where SW claimed to have been told Charlie’s final four (although...I think she’s exaggerating a bit). ABC goes for a chuckle by saying the claws come out during a visit to the nail salon. *guffaw* The ladies go fencing, and must fight for Charlie - wait, they’re giving these women weapons and unleashing them on each other? Make with the stabbing! Also, some sort of surprise will happen...since, you know, anything can happen on this zany, wacky, loony version of the Bachelor. Remember, no rules equals wacky comedy gold!

    If you need me, I’ll be wandering around in the snow with no gloves on. hepcat@fansofrealitytv.com
    You've gotta hustle if you want to earn a dollar. - Boston Rob

  2. #2
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
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    Brava, Heppy-San! You are so hilarious . . . thanks for making my evening. I would have quoted more, but I had to stop . . . there was simply too much hilarity.

    Quote Originally Posted by hepcat
    This Bachelor is breaking all the rules, even the ones about hanging up the handset after making a phone call. Woo hoo!

    Okay, that seals it. Anyone sharing the same taste in lingerie as Samantha from Sex in the City falls into a category waaaay beyond Hoville - they’re living smack in the middle of Slut City. The addition of a see-through lacy bustier isn’t helping, either...although it would seem to be quite the rose-catching attire. Heck, my cat was pitching a rose at the screen. Luckily, I sent DH out of the room at the emergence of the pearl thong. A pearl thong, folks.

    Charlie seems perky at the thought of getting to know Kimberly a little better, while holding the rose like a sword of Damocles over her head that will drop if he feels the slightest displeasure with her company.

    Maybe she just likes to air out her legs on cold winter nights, I don’t know.

    “Now we’re cooking...with GAS.” That sounds like the kind of joke that circulates on the kindergarden playground, but he seems to mean “she’s hot in a fossil-fuel, non-renewable-resource” kind of way. Which is pretty special, when you think about it.

    Chucklehead Charlie claims to be art-oriented or somesuch nonsense we don’t believe.

    Hasn’t he learned by now that the only people who want to see the paintings of 18-month-olds are grandparents?

    Anitra thinks they could be engaged in a good conversation, but is laughed down by the others, who are willing to bet the conversation has turned to tonsil hockey by this point.

    To put it in old movie telegram speak, Charlie’s return signal would read: MESSAGE RECIEVED STOP YOU WANT SEX AND/OR ROSE MADLY STOP.

    All that smacking - why do I feel the need to brush my teeth all of a sudden?

    It’s bowling, not rugby; my ten-year-old niece could give her pointers.

    Krisily corners him on a comfy couch and begins her own version of the Spanish inquisition (poke him with the soft cushion, Krisily!).

    “Guys love it when you show them skin, you know,” she advises Kara. That’s a snappy future epitaph; I hope Kimberly wrote it down for posterity.

  3. #3
    Lucy and Kevin...so cute! Reality tv fan's Avatar
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    Great recap

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    FORTfruity applesauce's Avatar
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    Oh hep, this is a great recap! My husband is wondering what's so funny out here.

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    eny
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    OMG heppy You captured the hoochfest in all it's glory. Sadly I missed Kimberho's pearlthong/gallery showing , but your recap gave me all the gory bits. I only tuned in when she was flinging herself into the bed.

    I’ve seen English Bulldogs in more elegant attire
    . I though I'd seen it on a dog too .

    Too many quotes Hep. Well done .

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    His Peace after the Storm cafegirl's Avatar
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    Bravo, Hepcat!! too many funny lines to repeat all. I was glad I read this alone because my uncontrolled laughter might have tipped off my office that I was goofing off instead of working!!
    Charlie counters that he thinks Jenny looks great tonight. *hepcat faints* Has he seen that dress? I’ve seen English Bulldogs in more elegant attire.
    I wouldn't dress my little poodle in any version of that pick disaster!!
    and to go along with that theme .. I loved this one too!
    Maybe she shouldn’t have listened to the shoplady who told her she looked like fairy princess in that pink gathered horror, then.
    Maybe she shouldn’t have listened to the shoplady who told her she looked like fairy princess in that pink gathered horror, then.
    "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!"

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    FORT Biscuit VeronicaBelle27's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hepcat
    Anitra questions Charlie on his choice of Rose holders, since Kimberly and Sara B. are, let’s say, cut from a different cloth. One from homespun cotton, the other from faux leopardskin.

    Great recap hep!! Still steadfastedly not watching the show here, but the recaps don't count as watching the show! So, so much more entertaining.
    Could does not mean should

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    Quote Originally Posted by hepcat
    Heck, my cat was pitching a rose at the screen.
    hepcat, you rock! Great recap!

  9. #9
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
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    A most excellent job, Heppy-Love.
    "Among the blind, the squinter rules." ~ Gerard Didier Erasmus

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    The addition of a see-through lacy bustier isn’t helping, either...although it would seem to be quite the rose-catching attire. Heck, my cat was pitching a rose at the screen. Luckily, I sent DH out of the room at the emergence of the pearl thong. A pearl thong, folks.

    Hep...there are three little dogs in this house. They spend their days mostly sleeping but are ever ready to investigate strange noises. My guffaws and snorts while reading your recap brought them racing...pattering paws and quivering noses, vibrating with anxiety about mom (the anxiety was entirely due to worries that The Dinner Dish Filler would not recover.) That was a hilarious recap.

    I missed the pearl thong, so I looked it up. http://www.naturalinstinct.co.uk/ite...=253&catid=133 just the thing for a ho-some girl like Kimberly to wear to meet Mom.

    Thanks for the terrific recap.

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