In part one we met Charlie, we met the twenty-five (sorry for using this word Pomeraniac) girls, they met each other in a bout of speed-dating and I developed a blister on my screen capping finger. I put on a band-aid and switched fingers so let's get going on part two.
"Man that was rough, I don't usually hit on women who are capable of having real conversations".
"Giddy up, it's over".
I can't decide if she looks stoned or hung-over... I am sure she doesn't know what an oxymoron is.
"I'm a nice guy, sending girls home is not nice. Plus I'm a horny guy, it just seems wrong on so many levels".
"You have to send five women home, just call out their names".
"Daikatana... Dankeshane... Babooshka... Ahhh! Kristina!"
Heather?! Who is this Heather person? Why didn't we see Heather's two minute speed date? Ooo, maybe she's the one who brought in the whip cream.
"You don't like brunettes, do you?"
"No I don't, they're horrible disgusting creatures. In a world with hair dye there is no excuse for being a brunette!".
"The... chick in the green sweater".
"The... one with the red hat".
Nice place, is this The Bachelor or the Real World NY?
"These are pretty cramped quarters for twenty women. I don't know how we're all going to make it to the end of the show".
She's not quite clear on the concept, is she?
"Are you waiting for the phone to ring?"
"You know it's a cordless. You don't have to just stand there you can take it with you".
"Thanks for getting dressed. Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that to a woman".
"When I saw Kindle in the van I was very angry".
Does Kindle not watch movies? You don't piss off someone named Carrie! If she's not careful we'll end up seeing the Bloodiest Rose Ceremony Yet.
"Today I'm taking the girls to a dive bar".
I wonder if the owners of Jimmy Walkers likes having their establishment referred to as a "dive bar" on National TV?
"I'm really a nice girl, except when I'm being a cheating lying conniving vindictive bitch".
"OK Dance off. Come on, you call that dancing?"
"Not fair! I'm laughing too hard at your dancing to dance".
"Don't mind this".
Well, there's definitive proof that you don't have to be suave to be The Bachelor.
On FLOM they could afford to use a Purplizer(tm) for flashbacks, is black and white all ABC can afford?
"I am shy, but only with people I don't know, or situations I'm not familiar with, or places I've never been before, or in big groups. I'm not shy when I'm alone or with very close friends".
"Gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose, gimme a rose".
"I had to read between the lines, but I think Kristen would like a rose".
"Be nice at the house".
Is Charlie really looking for someone nice or is he just practicing a little foreshadowing?
"Good evening Charlie".
"Good evening Angels, I've got a mission for you".
Oh come one, don't be like that! I know it was way obvious but sometimes you just have to go with the way obvious. I [crosses fingers] promise that will be my last Charlie's Angels reference.
"Hold on, there are eleven women ready to go when I said I'm only taking eight. My math skills are pretty poor but even I can count to eight".
"I've got two roses, eight girls and that's three more than this morning so hopefully it'll be three times the fun. What? Whatever, I told you I wasn't any good at math".
"I just told them I was picking, no one questioned me. I think they're a little afraid of me. Probably because of my hot Latin temper".
"I went to a prom with a black girl. Not my prom of course, I never made it that far".
"I was almost two hundred pounds".
"Not now you're not".
"And I won't be again until after I'm married".
"So am I, dyslexics of the world untie!"
"I'm attracted to quite a few of these girls, I think we got a pretty bunch. A lot of them are easy on the eyes... a lot of them aren't so easy on the ears".
That's a direct quote. I love* this guy!
* In a non-sexual way.
"I used to work behind the scenes in TV, you wouldn't believe the long hours and stress, you have no idea".
Belittling his work in front of the camera may just be where she lost her shot at a rose.
"You're an FBI Agent-slash-Bikini Model?"
Or she could have lost it there...
Man, it looks like he's worried that she's wearing some super-spy knock-out lipstick or something.
"Gina Marie, you should go".
"It won't make you look totally psycho! Honest".
"You'd look totally non-psycho, here have some more wine".
Hey! Who's the creepy guy in the elevator?
Oh my god that's a lot of salt! He's going to regret this day when he develops kidney stones in a few years.
"I'm not about to lift up my shirt and have Charlie lick salt off my tummy but I will grind my butt into his crotch on the dance floor. That's classy."
"I wasn't enjoying myself, these kids and their disco music... why does it have to be so loud?"
"It's tough being in a bar setting when that's just not you".
Then why did you go on the "go to the bar" date?
My rule #4 for when you're out drinking? You spill a drink on yourself, you've had enough.
"Where did you say your friends went?"
"I don't know, I'll just pick a random bar. This looks good, I'll get out here. Thanks".
And that's the end of part two. I hope to get the time to finish them off and post part three before the next episode airs but no promises. Did I mention that I hate two hour episodes? Hate! Hate with a fiery passion!