I didn't know if I wanted to cap this season's shows. First I ran out of "this is the final rose" jokes capping season six, but then Chris didn't say it -- hopefully that's the start of a new trend. Then I had too much fun watching the show, the people on the show were saying the kinds of things I would normally put in their mouths. But, I decided to see if I was up to the challenge, you'll have to be the judge on whether I am.
"Once upon a time there were six charming bachelors who claimed to be looking for love. Then there's Charlie who's just looking for a good time, he's not even pretending he wants to settle down".
"This charming bachelor didn't want any gowns, any limos or any rules".
"Actually I said I didn't want any clothing. I wanted this to be the first all-nude The Bachelor".
"I'm here for what promises to be the most surprising season ever. Of course we're used to breaking promises around here, just look at how many times we've lied about lame rose ceremonies being the most outrageous rose ceremony".
"That's a great 'deer in headlights' impression but you still only get five minutes to get pretty".
"And I didn't shower yesterday, that's kind of gross".
You're right, that is kind of gross. Ick!
"I thought it was going to be nice cloths, roses, limos, and mansions. Well at least they're not dropping us out of an airplane over the Outback".
"It's crazy, I could spend five minutes brushing my teeth!"
You should spend at least five minutes brushing your teeth!
"Have I got time to change? When I packed I didn't realize I couldn't get this shirt buttoned up over my new breastage".
"Momma's always said hydration is the key to catching a man!"
Ooo, somebody's not impressed with the bikini wearing slut from Virginia, but I think the guy in the background is.
"I am the Queen Bitch of the Universe, I don't run for men".
"I'm kind of annoyed, some of the girls are a lot more attractive without makeup than I am".
"Don't throw up!"
"Oh, OK. I guess I'll go with Plan-B then".
"I'm impressed, you all look great for having five minutes to get ready. Everybody surprised?"
"Everybody pissed off?"
"You should expect the unexpected".
"If we expect the unexpected then it's not unexpected any more".
"Exactly, by expecting the unexpected we change it's very nature from unexpected to expected".
"Right, if you expect the unexpected, it's not unexpected, therefore you can't expect the unexpected, QED".
"Nietzsche once said..."
"OK, hold it. Let me put it this way, prepare to be surprised".
"You can't prepare to be surprised, surprise by its very nature..."
"Charlie O'Connell is a 29 year old out of work wanna-be actor and older brother to B-List actor Jerry O'Connell".
"Your mother doesn't like those floozies you normally date".
"I keep telling you they're not floozies, they're sluts".
"Are you going to have to make out with these girls?"
"I hope so".
"You are going to settle down?"
"If I find the right girl".
"A hundred bucks he doesn't settle down, I'll give you ten to one odds".
"You're on but I want at least fifty to one".
"I've never done it either, unless you call dating three women in one evening Rapid Dating".
"Do you think he caught my subliminal bottle rubbing?"
"OK Charlie I know you're nervous, so this is where you're going to be sweating".
"As you can see I went for the complete lack of style look".
"What is it?"
"It's a flower".
"Why would you give a guy a flower?"
"Are you trying to get me drunk?"
"Yah, that way you won't remember the rest of the night".
"I'm a first grade teacher".
"Oh yah? The first grade was my favourite three years of school".
"I have a Yamaha motor cycle".
"I don't date chicks who ride crotch rockets, I only date Harley chicks".
"You think I'm the perfect guy? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!"
In this situation a lot of guys would have trouble looking her in the eyes but Charlie's having trouble looking at her at all. What's he checking out, one of the sound guys?
Hang on. Why is there only one rose there! What happened to the other rose, there was supposed to be two roses there?
There's still only one rose! What's going on? Is the other rose a top-secret military stealth rose? Does it have a cloaking device developed from alien technology?
"I can be a little bitchy".
"Give me your best 'bitchy face'".
"Wow! I feel married already".
"Hows my breath?"
"Let me put it this way. You're not getting past any police road blocks".
"Komo, se amo, dommo arigato".
"I lost the thumb wrestling, I don't get a rose and I'm having a bad hair day".
"Shake shake shake"
"Shake shake shake"
"Shake your booty"
"Shake your booty"
"Here's a good scar".
"How'd you get that?"
"Jumping over the counter to attack the guy at Starbucks when he was too slow getting me my coffee".
It's back! The missing rose is back! All is once again well with the time/space continuum.
This is the point in the show that I really knew this season was going to be different from the rest. Usually the bachelor doesn't give a rose to the cutest bachelorette.
"I wrote you a poem and I'll read it to you. There once was a girl from Nantucket"...
"I don't know if I should give you a rose. You wrote me a poem but I don't know what to think about it because I didn't understand any of the big words".
"Cluck cluck cluck".
"Oink oink oink".
"Oops, times up. Nice to grunting with you".
"Tell me about yourself".
"I'd rather just kiss you".
"Cool, I'm really just here for the sex anyway".
"I bet I can kick higher than you".
"Probably, but I only have to get as high as your crotch to make it count".
Is that whipped cream on the table? Why didn't we get to see the whipped cream? What a jip!
"What does your tattoo say?"
"I'm a labour and delivery nurse".
"So do you want to have your own kids?"
"After what I've seen? No figging way!"
"I have strong Southern values".
What? She had a kid when she was seventeen, she's not married and she goes by the philosophy that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. What are these Southern values she's talking about? She only dates relatives?
"What about water sports?"
What!!! How did that get past the FCC?
"I like jet skiing, sailing"
Oh! Those kinds of water sports... my bad.
"Are they real or fake?"
"Your tan! Is your tan real?"
"I'm a Dallas Mavericks cheerleader"
"You're not going to chant 'Go Charlie Go! Go Charlie Go! at any rose ceremonies are you?"
"Let's see what you got in here, tissue, lotion... no condoms though. That's not a good sign".
That's the end of the speed dating and the end of part one of my (unofficial) screen caps. I'll probably post part two on Monday. Hopefully I can get the entire two-hour extravaganza capped before the next episode airs. Did I mention that I hate two hour episodes?